Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Famous Personals

If the characters in popular TV shows/movies wrote personal adds.

Biter seeks bite-y
130 year old virgin Vampire with abandonment issues seeks 15 or 16 year old girl to seduce.
Likes: Long walks on the beach (at night), Brooding about my tortured past, watching you while you sleep, and cheerleaders who like emo Goths.
Don’t like: Garlic, wooden furniture, mirrors, or fatties.

I know what’s wrong with you
50’s something Doctor with limp seeks emotionally healthy prey that I can destroy slowly and without remorse.
Likes: Drugs, hookers, piano music, and strange diseases
Dislikes: Puzzles that can’t be solved, people that can’t be broken, and obvious answers

No fate but what we make
Future leader of mankind seeks bunker buddy to hang out with during robot uprising.
Likes: Guns, Computer hacking, and road trips
Dislikes: Skynet, robots, and overly protective mother types

Branch Manager seeks Scranton hottie
Funny, smart, intelligent, lonely paper manager seeks hot, non-judgmental, supermodel type to have lots of children with so I won’t die alone.
Likes: Jokes, being the best boss, and hot chicks
Don’t like: People who don’t laugh at obviously hilarious jokes, fatties, and women who can’t see how completely amazing I am.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

How to ace a job interview

With the economy the way it is these days and unemployment reaching new heights of despairitude odds are you are going to be going on a job interview. That means that you have passed phase one and they have either not caught on that your resume is a complete lie. Or they are trying to figure out how on earth you could have put 'first person to do the crab walk on the moon' and keep a straight face when asked about it. But with so many people out of work you need to stand out here are some tips on how to answer the tough questions they might ask.

Describe yourself in 5 words or less: Way way better than you. This shows that you are not only awesome but you compared yourself to them which is flattering and why wouldn't they want to hire a better version of themselves?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? A lonely survivor of the Zombie Apocalypse having killed all of my friends after they turned, desperately seeking safe haven in a world of horrors that never end. Expect shocked silence after this one as he thinks of you as a brave warrior. This shows your resilience, your ability to adapt to new situations, and your go to attitude.

What did you like least about your last job? I didn't like how when people didn't pay on time they made me leave the room then used loud party poppers. Then they had to call the guy they call "the cleaner" to handle all of the after party fun, and not once did I get invited or even get a piece of cake. This will show that you enjoy company activities and would like to participate in future company events. Don't get fooled into saying to many bad things about your last boss this question is a trap.

Why did you leave your last job? After the FBI raid I felt that the company I was working for had a poor future plus there were no stock options. Use this question as an opportunity to look for company benefits, like stock options.

What is your greatest strength? My greatest strength is my ability to know what others around me are thinking. It is ok to turn away and blush at what your boss just thought about you at this point. It makes him believe that you might actually have some super human trait he is looking for to put together a secret crime fighting team. And that is not something you want turn down.

What is your greatest weakness? My greatest weakness is that after I used my greatest strength to tell what people around me are really thinking I tend to cry a lot. Use your weakness to fortify his belief in your greater strength.

At this point you have all but assured your place back in the work force, good luck out there.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Things that bother me

A small list of things that bother me feel free to add to it in the comments section.

Girls in books or shows who think that they can change a Vampires after 265 years of being blood sucking monsters.

Why do movies that have the technology to show me really cool fight scenes decided at the last minute to hand the camera to the kid with seizures during all the intense action? Thus making me nauseous and completely miss what is actually happening except the gist yes, they fought got it… thanks for nothing.

Chain letters even if they have a good point, something funny, or a great picture that I might have considered forwarding on anyways. If I get to the bottom and it tells me to send it to 7 people or I will die a grizzly death it goes to the garbage. Stop it! A forward of a forward of a forward is no longer mail and will no longer be tolerated.

When a girl plucks her eyebrows till they no longer exist then draw them on with a blue pencil. Let me tell you what guys look for in eyebrows. Are there two of them? Can you see out from under them? That is all.

I saw an interesting preview, my friends went to see it and said it was great, so I go to the video store to rent it and all they have is the Uncensored and uncut version. There is usually a reason it was cut and censored and I want to see the damned version that got good reviews. Not the 7 hour version of dances with wolves! Note there is actually a 7 hour version of Dances with Wolves. I do not recommend this unless you are masochist with a death wish and think rising action is a guy riding on a horse for two hours.

When I reply to a coworkers morning greeting of “How are you?” with the obligatory “good, how are you?” And they respond by telling me all about their problems for the next 45 minutes. If we are friends great, if I only talk to you because I am forced to by company etiquette please leave me alone.

When people ask me if I have seen a movie, I tell them no but I am going to see it later then they talk about key plot elements in front of me insisting that it ruins nothing. Little secret if it was note worthy then it does matter!!!

When I am watching a show online or on T.V. and the commercials are way louder than the show.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Super powers that would really suck to have

Read minds: Sure you might think this is awesome to know peoples thoughts but if you couldn’t turn it off you’d be popping prozac like skittles by the end of the week. People are depressing horrible beings and I am just thinking about my own thoughts. I shudder to think what some of the other people I know think about in spare moments.

X-ray vision: Sure you think it would be cool to see through walls and cloths but odds are if it was a powerful gift you would spend most of your time looking at people’s bones. And if you where ever to develop a close relationship with anyone they would die of radiation poisoning by the end of your first anniversary

Telekinesis: I am guessing moving things with your mind would be awesome except for the fact that I am guessing obesity in the guy who doesn’t have to walk to the cupboard to get Cheetos is pretty high. Also when you where sleeping odds are that you would move your room around in your sleep and that would make it hard to find your clean shocks in the morning.

Super breath: The ability to inhale or exhale with gale force winds might be useful on a sail boat but the second you sneeze someone is going to die.

Regeneration: If you are constantly regenerating then your pain receptors would never ever develop and you would have no pain threshold at all every time you stubbed your toe would be agony, sure it might grow back nice and neat but you would pass out like a baby every time.

Super human smell: Self explanatory I can barley stand the smells I deal with now. And passing a gym would probably kill you.

Waterbreathing: This would be cool at the beach for about 2 hours till you got all pruny and it started to hurt that you where underwater that long. Oh and the sewers dump just off the coast so enjoy.

See the future: You will only see reruns on TV for ever after and will always be bored.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Statute of Friendly Limitations

In our justice system when a petty crimes and misdemeanors pass a certain amount of time they are forgotten. Even singed contracts can’t be sued if in breach if to much time has gone by, this law is called the Statute of Limitations. Well there is another kind of contract that people abide by called the social contract. This can be as simple as smiling back to someone who smiled at you, or doing that shoulder shrug and raised eyebrow thing people do when waiting for the same elevator. But one of the most annoying part of this social contract is when you are bound by social graces to say hi to someone you haven’t talked to in 10 years and could care less about. The conversation always goes the same way.

Random person you know you should know but are struggling with all your might to remember their name: “Hey man how’s it going?”

“Good,” awkward pause “How you doing?” often followed by the shuffling of feet or looking back apologetically to the people you came with but now are ignoring.

“I’m good, what you been up to?” The question hangs in the air like ever thickening pea soup as you try and figure out how to sum up the past 10 years of rising and falling action in as few words as possible without leaving room for follow up questions.

“Good,” you finally answer desperately choking back the answer you want to give which is always ‘why are we talking, and why do you care?’ “I’m good, just work and stuff you know.” The answer hangs there like a dead raccoon that has been reanimated back to life and only seems interested in humping your leg. You shuffle again uncomfortably trying to take it back, kicking unconsciously at the figment raccoon knowing that you have in fact left an opening for a questions and hoping that it goes unnoticed.

“Oh,” They answer seeing the opening “where you working these days?”

You sigh inwardly and look back at your friends once more but they are also bound by the contract not to interrupt unless invited to do so, and at the same time knowing that any move towards them will inevitably make this take much, much longer than it needs to. “I am an IT Manager at a small company,” You get to excited feeling that this horror will be ending soon and before you realize what you have done you ask, “How about you?”

“I am blah, blah at the blah, blah-oligist, and it is so rewarding blah, blah, blah, Marriage, blah, blah, me, me, me, Children, blah, blah, …”
Sorry my brain has shut down at this point to protect me from the insufferable boredom and I can’t honestly tell you what was said and I was trying to kick away a zombie raccoon at the time inconspicuously so I wasn’t really paying that close of attention anyways. Then you realize that they have finally stopped talking about their lunar land rover adventure in money town. So you quickly add hoping with all your might that this will end.

“That’s great well it was great to see you.” Even though you both know that this is a lie and will have to be repeated in 5 to 10 years.

“Ya, nice to see you too.”

So I vote that we institute a Statute of Friendly Limitations in which you may break social contracts and outright ignore people for which you know casually, as long as two years has passed since your acquaintance started. For instance if you ran into someone from high school that you had one class with and you talked occasionally, after two years you would no longer be obligated to recognize the said relationship.
If you dated someone in high school then the contract changes so that two years since the relationship ended plus double the time you spent together. So if you dated for a year in high school you would have to wait 4 years to ignore them. Adding of course one year if ‘I love you’ was said on both sides, and one year for each base you rounded together. So if I dated a girl for a year in high school told her I loved her with reciprocation and got to second base I would have to wait 7 years to completely ignore them. With a contractual clause of course for first kiss, or home base which moves it from a misdemeanor relationship to a felony relationship for which the Statute of Friendly Limitations does not apply. All rights are waved if you attended a high school reunion and may God have mercy on your soul if you choose to do so. This is just a rough draft of the Statute of Friendly Limitations so if you have suggestions or revisions please let me know so that we can hammer this thing out and get it in circulation just as soon as possible.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Return

So after 4 months of testing countless hours in waiting rooms and having to pretend to be nice to nurses so they don't hurt me anymore I have returned. Sure they still have no idea what's wrong with me but people have been asking "whats wrong with you!" for as long as I can remember. At least now I can assure them that there is no diagnosable medical reason. That being said let us begin.

I thought I would ease back into it with some random thoughts.

When carving a pumpkin use a knife rather than 5 M-80 explosives and a drill. I find that while the carving takes longer with the knife, the clean up does not involve me standing on the table mopping the ceiling.

A good costume is a ghost or a vampire a bad costume is dressing up as the chief of polices recently dead wife. The good news is I have a great prison jumpsuit costume now. On a side note I can't make your Halloween party I was detained.

Even though Halloween is close it is almost never a good idea to comment on the costume of the nurse who will be drawing your blood. So I said you looked good as a slutty nurse the 15 pricks to find the vein was mostly uncalled for.

If you ever have the chance to look deep into a girls eyes and tell her how you really feel deep down inside avoid the phrase "pancake butt" at all cost.

It is almost never ok to send me pictures of cute puppies and kitties that you thought would brighten my day. Until this trend stops I will be replying with a drawing of what I think you look like naked. I had to edit it for younger viewers.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Six Degrees of desperation

Six degrees of separation (also referred to as the "Human Web") refers to the idea that, if a person is one step away from each person they know and two steps away from each person who is known by one of the people they know, then everyone is at most six steps away from any other person on Earth. It was popularized by a play written by John Guare.

On the other hand Six degrees of Desperation (also referred to as my "dating pool") refers to the idea that, If I make a big enough idiot of myself that people tell and retell the story of my idiocy. That if each person tells just one other person they know that eventually every girl on the planet will know me as "that guy." This theory has been percolating in the back of my mind since the days of Lorena Bobbit. She did one incredibly idiotic thing and now her dating pool is 0 based on the same series of events.

So basically it comes down to this; on a small scale I tested it out by telling just one girl in the office I work at something stupid I did. By the end of the day every girl in the entire office had that "I know what you did" look as I passed by. Bringing this to a big scale I and the amount of time I spend doing stupid things that people talk about I am guessing that in 6 months time I will be un-datable.
(What stupid thing did I do that I told a coworker about? I'm sure if you read half of my past blogs you will figure it out eventually.)

Monday, September 28, 2009

It's probably the fuel filter

Sometimes I enjoy trolling yahoo answers to give back to the community I am hoping for best answer on this one.

Original poster:
My boyfriend is cheating on me what do I do?
Last night I left my boyfriends house I got a few miles down the street and my car stalled and broke down because I live pretty far away I just decided to walk back to his house. It took me about 40 minutes and when I got there I could see through the window he was kissing some other girl. I was crushed we have been dating for over 6 months and she didn't look familiar at all. I stood there for a while in disbelief but I didn’t know what to do so I just left. What do I do I really like this guy and I don’t want to loose him but I am just so confused right now?

Syden Insomniac:
If the car stalls all the time, the general reason is that there is probably either a fuel or an ignition problem causing the engine to cut out. Of course, there could be any number of things wrong with your car if it stalls during normal driving (i.e., not when starting from stationary). I recommend a tune-up also it would be a good idea to check your spark plugs, and charging system, and when was the last time you changed your fuel filter?

Friday, September 25, 2009

T.V. Land

Sorry loyal readers I have been ill and when you are trying not to die it’s hard to find time to keep up with the blog or even feel funny enough to write. But that being said lets catch up on what’s been going on in the most important place, T.V. Land.

In the news; crazy people have been yelling at crazy people for being crazy. I am of course referring to the Democrats and Republicans. New plan everyone that enters a debate about healthcare has to take a Velum or a Prozac (their choice) then wait 30 minutes before the discussion can start.

New T.V. shows started so it should be easier to get through the day let me help you navigate through the crap.
The only news worth watching anymore is the Daily Show with John Stewart because he shows what both sides are doing in the race for coveted title “nuttier than squirrel poop.”
A new show about vampires who live for hundreds of years only to have relationships with high school girls hits the scene with the Vampire Diaries. It’s kind of like watching One Tree Hill and every now and then someone gets eaten, I know it sounds cool but they somehow made even that unbearable to watch. Mostly because they don’t kill the super annoying main characters like you want them to.
Supernatural bursts back on the scene in all its glory with only one problem. In previous seasons when they are fighting demons and werewolves and ghosts and goolies it made for some good clean violent fun. But now they are fighting Satan and looking for God it could be cool but I think it took a wrong turn on uncomfortable street and just blew the stop sign at don’t go there lane. I have tentative high hopes.
Glee is a show about people you didn’t want to hang out with in high school and still don’t want to respond to their facebook invite. Seriously they are not zany nerds that you grow to love that have good hearts, they are the truly crazy super annoying types that somehow find a teacher as socially inept as they are. Watch at your own risk.
Cougar town is a show about old people desperately trying not to die out to younger hotter less talented actresses.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Dr. Cox and Syden

Syden has a trip to the hospital today and asked me to guest blog. I hope he gets a doctor like Dr. Cox. I think they would mesh.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Questions for An Insomniac

If you have questions for an insomniac like me or want to know if you might be an insomniac yourself simply leave a comment in the form of a question and I would be happy to answer.

Sample Question:
Syden how is it that you only get 2-3 hours of sleep a night and are still so cool?

Sample Answer:
How is it that you get 8-9 hours of sleep a night and are still so lame? The answer is simple I was born to be awesome and you my friend had a chance at awesomnitude and slept past it with your snooze button in hand.

I am an open book so go ahead and ask. (Mothers need not apply, all sales are final, answers may and almost always will smack of smart ass-ery, Canadians need not apply)

Tjames asks: Is your employer hiring? Because I want to work there....

No Tjames we are not hiring and frankly it boggles my mind how I have gotten away with what I have over the years, probably because I have all of their passwords.

Augusto asks:
In your own words, what is your opinion of the best use of the hours between 2:35 and 5:12? I find myself perplexed. The television is generally useless at that time and I'm typically too exhausted to enjoy porn at such sleepless hours.

Who's words would I answer in if not my own I guess I could go and look for a Wikipedia entry for 2:35-5:12 and copy it but so far my search has had very poor results. Let's see between 2:35 and 5 first of course you try and sleep that kills about an hour or two tossing and turning. Then I do the mandatory 3am sock puppet show because I haven't slept in 3 weeks and I find this the funniest thing in the entire world. (Side note my former roommate did not find this the funniest thing in the entire world he is still not speaking to me.) If I get incredibly bored I torment my neighbors cat with a laser pointer and try and get him to run into things while crouched in the bushes. 4 Am is prime time to work on your zombie Apocalypse plan and possibly even run some test get to the fortified bunker. By 5 all hope for sleep is completely out the window and you don't look a psycho for going out and getting some errands done if needs be. I like to wander around walmart at this time when guys with mullets and that one bag lady who smells like molten death are safely asleep. FYI the longer you watch infomercials the more they make perfect sense so try and stay away or invent fun games like you have to drink whenever shamwow guy says something that has absolutely nothing to do with his product like random inference to girls in bikinis (trust me it happens a lot.) Hope that helps Augusto.

Justin said...
If I can't sleep, well then I just don't - it doesn't matter. Stay up, blog, do whatever. Just because the rest of the world is sleeping doesn't mean you have to.

Well laddi freakin da Justin! For some of us it's not that it's a choice to stay up it's a curse and all we want to do is sleep but for some sick reason God decided it would be funny to make this an impossibility! I'm not talking about when you had one or two bad nights of sleep and decided to deem yourself an insomniac. I am talking about 15 agonizing years of listening to people complain about how tired they are on Monday morning because they stayed up to late and you have been going on about 45 minutes to 2 hours of sleep a night for the past 3 months! Wow I'm sorry Justin I have no idea where that came from... Ya good advice man keep it coming.

If I were a vampire

If I were a vampire I think I would join PETA because I bet those people that don’t eat meat would be pretty tasty. Also they would never see it coming, and probably if I got caught they would think I was just misunderstood or something. Also most of their campaigning seems to be in the nude for some reason which makes for easy access.

If I were a Vampire I would get upset because I really like garlic chicken pizza.

If I were a Vampire and had till the end of time to do things I bet I would get really, really good at spider solitaire.

I think a vampire with rabies would be extra dangerous because even if you survive now you’ve got rabies… oh and the craving for blood.

I don’t think that Vampires really have to be invited in places I think they are just very polite.

If I were a Vampire I would get girls to go out with me when I stalked them instead of restraining orders.

If I were a Vampire I would have beautiful girl hair. Have you ever seen a Vampire without beautiful girl hair? I think not.

I wonder if Vampires have to play Russian roulette with a crossbow. That's a game you don't want to be picked to go first at.

If I were a Vampire I would probably have to move to Pennsylvania because I don't have a passport and it's the only other vania I know of.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The best way to break up with a girl

Write a love letter to her with all of your feelings on it, explain why things need to end and how you are different people now and how it would be best if you parted ways. Wrap this letter around a brick and throw it through her window.

Pay a man in a fireman’s uniform to tell her you burned to death… then move.

Tell her you are a vampire and that she is tempting you to drink human blood again and that you must continue your eternal journey alone.

Two words witness protection.

The next time she asks you what you are thinking tell her, and don't hold back.

Nothing says it's over like a cake with the words "dump city" written in icing.

Steal her diary and in it write "today I got dumped but he is still really cool also I have mild amnesia."

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

How to fix your computer

As an IT manager people often wonder how I know so much about computers. I have decided to share with all of you how I got and have kept my job for so long with this handy cheat sheet. (Clicking the image will make it larger)

This is how to decide what gaming system to buy

And for those of you who own a Mac here is a chart for you so you don't feel left out

Friday, September 11, 2009

The thoughts that kept me up last night.

The most profound silence I have experienced so far is after letting one rip on the elevator with my boss, his wife, and a new client. It made my eyes water

If boredom was an international sport it probably wouldn't be very exciting to watch on t.v.

If I were an evil overlord and set a bomb to go off I would make it stop at 10 seconds so that the heroes would think they stopped it somehow and would laugh and exclaim how much they loved each other, then the real bomb would go off.

Why on all of the star trek shows when they get boarded by evil aliens did they not just beam those aliens into space? Maybe it looks better on a resume to say repelled alien invaders with phaser, instead of used brain. No body likes a smarty pants.

People often ask me how I have lived with insomnia for so long. I usually just tell them it's because bullets are pretty expensive these days.

I get the impression that the trail to Oregon was just littered with bodies that exploded from dysentery.

I was going to go buy some kind of motivational book today but then I would have to go all the way to the store and finish this senten....

Thursday, September 10, 2009

How to look skinnier without pesky diet and exercise.

Many people have asked me; Syden how do you look so great while eating that entire German chocolate cake? The answer is quite simple; I am simply sabotaging everyone around me. Like that girl in my office who eats nothing but rice cakes and low fat yogurt I come in early and soak those rice cakes in butter, lard, and sugar solution for about an hour then set to dry. She thinks they are delicious and she gained 28 pounds Walla! I look better already by comparison. Here are some simple tricks to never dieting and looking great in the crowd you’re in.

1. Black: Black is your friend it hides the rolls just make sure to be careful not to get to much cheeto dust on them. (For more about cheeto dust see how to survive a bank heist)

2. Ugly people: Choose ugly people to be seen with or at least incredibly uninteresting people this will make you look at feel great.

3. Eat yourself sick: You know how people are always talking about eating themselves sick. Actually do it. If you eat so much you actually throw up then technically you are not bulimic and you don’t half to worry about all those calories you just wrapped in bacon.

4. Undercutting: There are some people in this world that no matter how much they eat they always look great. Spread vicious untrue rumors about them around the office, or if you don’t have time in a public place while meeting new people. Quietly pull the new group aside and explain that your “friend” is retarded and has special needs. This will make you look like a caring friend and completely undermine anything that perfect jerk tries to say.

5. Project confidence while instilling discord: If you look confident while all around you people are upset and on the verge of a mental break down you look great. Also while others are in this frame of mind they tend to overeat and hate the world, which gives you a lunch partner.

Good luck and remember you are only as fat as your skinniest friend that is not retarded.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Mind pics

I have scoured the web to find pictures that mess with the mind, huh actually they just kind of found me. Well anyways enjoy, you will need to click on them to see them full size. Answers at the bottom if you can't figure it out.

















1.The girl at the top has an upside down face features look at her more closely.
2.Top of the stairs
3.Middle upper left face in the tree branches looks like a black hobo
4.He is in the wall!!!!
5.Simple optical illusion when you look at any of the circles they stop spinning.
6.They are not sitting on anything.
7.Above his head and to the right blurred face in the trees.
8.Left bottom on the half wall scary girl like something.
9.Description says it all nothing to see here OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE!
10.Left and right of center they are guys with cones on their heads not missiles.
11.Below the red dot in the hole.
12.Just a gym with balloons, wait what the hell is THAT! Center left
13.Look at it from a distance, no seriously scoot back from your computer.
14.T-Rex in the clouds.
15.Face on the ear.
16.Entire right hand side is a face; after you see it you can’t not see it.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Staying positive

I have been told my entire life that a positive attitude can change everything here are some tips on staying positive.

1. Practice smiling: I enjoy doing this when I get caught at a red light. Look at the guy next to you and practice your creepiest smile. You'd be surprised how much someone else's uncomfortableness can make you feel better.

2. Use positive language: Say things like "I'm positive that today is going to suck", and "you are positively the most horrifying individual I have ever met" that last one is best said to a stranger and not your boss.

3. Share the joy: Tell others how much better you are doing than they are, this will help cement the feeling that you are doing great.

4. Never say yes again: Instead of saying yes to things say, "I'm positive!" this is a great way to let others know that you are positive. Would you like fries with that? I'm Positive!

5. Times of doubt: When you are in times of doubt and despair and are having trouble staying positive do little things to remind yourself that you can stay positive forever. Pick up a sick prostitute from the bad side of town wait two days then go to the doctor. You my friends can have a trained medical professional then tell you that you are positive!

Just remember folks it's all about the attitude.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Syden's Random Thoughts

Once it again it is time for another installment of Syden's random thoughts

Clowns are supposed to be funny but end up being scary. So you can see how when I painted your cat it was supposed to be amusing, not kill it.

I think you'll find that your razor is really dull and you need to shave for a super important meeting the cheese grater makes a poor substitute.

It is possible to fit a pool ball into an average sized mouth, it is not possible to take it out again without extreme effort because the jaw locks. Also it is hard to call for help when you swoundsw wike wlithhhh *followed by gentle muffled weeping*

I think if I was narcissistic that I would be the best narcissist ever I mean I would be so awesome.

I think that if I tree falls in the woods that it does make a sound, especially if it falls on a beaver.

If I could go back in time and warn myself about one thing it would be that most horrible of days I had. But I wouldn't use the argument I used last time because I didn't listen to me.

I think that if I owned a tamed raptor from the dinosaur era that knew all kinds of tricks like don't eat the neighbors, it would probably be a bad idea to feed it heavy narcotics... I'm just saying.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

How to survive a bank heist

If you ever find yourself in a bank that is being held up by criminals (possibly in Halloween masks of dead presidents) these are some simple tricks to help you through the ordeal.

1. Remain calm, but not too calm: They always say in crisis situations that you have to keep your wits about you. But if the robber is flailing a gun around then maybe he is going for a certain atmosphere or theme for his bank robbery. If you don't look scared he might just kill you because you are just ruining the mood he is trying to set. I recommend screaming like a little girl and weeping uncontrollably for about 20 seconds then collapsing to the floor in a heap. This will generally make the robber happy that you are contributing to the general feel of his robbery.

2. Be friendly, but not too friendly: If there happens to be a doughnut shop near by the police might just respond fast enough to turn your pleasant bank heist into a long drawn out ordeal. So if the bank robbers are going to be there for a while try and be friendly. Smile on occasion then look away, just like when looking that girl in junior high (but without the awkward panic attack.) If they strike up conversation with you keep it innocuous, talk about movies that where cool or how surfing is awesome. But there is a line, you don't want to become too friendly or when hostage time comes guess who they are going to take? Then your whole night is shot and you will have to try and get through the next day without anyone telling you what happened on Lost and you know that Nancy from accounting has a big mouth.

3. Look for opportunities: If the chance to do something arrives and you save the day you might just get enough fame to finally ask out that hot bank teller. And if it all goes horribly horribly wrong at least there might be a hot nurse in the hospital who will pity you. You can ask my last two girlfriends pity can be a powerful motivator especially when accompanied by a gun shot wound. Try and lull the robber into a false sense of security, at this point he has already seen you cry like a little girl and you have probably talked about how cool the new Star Trek movie was. He will start to trust you or pity you, and again pity is awesome. Tell him how cool his gun is for a while then and ask if you can see it. If this actually works point the gun at him and take control. But don't shoot him! That hot nurse can just as easily fall for a surly robber who was just down on his luck.

4. Cheeto fingers: Many times robbers go unconvicted because they are all wearing ski masks and they can't tell which convict did which crime. Help out your local police department by trying to touch one of the robbers with your cheeto encrusted fingers. I find that during the initial plea for my life while I am crying like a 6 year old school girl grabbing a pant leg and crying about my fake children that will go fatherless wont get you killed. Pistol whipped yes, killed no. Now many of you ask why do you have cheeto encrusted fingers in the first place? Be smart people it is a great way to identify things. If you had the remote first you have proof, if you want that jelly doughnut a single yellow orange finger print can claim it, and when it's time for the line up at the police station you just have to look for your mark to point out the would be robber. Cheetos are relatively inexpensive and a great time saver for claiming territory. (Note If you can't get your hands on cheetos I find that the powdered cheese in the Mac and Cheese box works as a substitute, if you lick your fingers before opening the pouch.)

5. Be prepared: By now you have learned how to stay alive, identify the criminal, possibly get a date, all while not missing your favorite t.v. show. But constant vigilance is the key to surviving a bank heist and that means being prepared. Try not to leave the house without cheeto fingers. Practice crying in front of the mirror so you can do it on queue (if you are having trouble with this one just remember how alone you are... so very alone, it works like a charm.) Make sure and stay up to date on pop culture and movies so you can talk to your assailant with ease. And remember if you plan on using a pen as a make shift weapon to stab the robber in the neck to save the day, that they are chained to the counter so first you have to get him to stand really close and possibly lay his head on the desk. Good luck out there.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Show reviews part II

Family Guy: Mentally retarded father of three submits family to emotional and physical abuse to hide his rampant alcoholism.

How I met your Mother: 5 socially stunted friends spend all their free time in a bar.

General Hospital: A show not generally about a hospital.

Are you smarter than a 5th grader?: Probably not if you are watching this show

Dollhouse: Director Joss Whedon's experiment to see how far he can push fans before they literally tear him limb from limb. Also hotness from Eliza Dushku.

Mental: Doctor of psychology has self as patient.

America's got talent: Ironic title pokes fun at self.

Smallville: Teenager deals with changing body and mineral allergy.

Supernatural: Brothers forced to work together to run family business.

Reaper: Man works diligently to pay back loan.

CSI: In depth look at how to get away with future crimes.

Dexter: Blood analyst looks for new samples.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Why I hated School

seseme street

I can’t do any kind of alphabetizing without singing that stupid song over and over again.

I often wonder why George Washington cut down a cherry tree just to prove that he wouldn’t lie about it, but at the same time it makes me think of him as an axe wielding psycho with a blood lust for sap with trophies of his exploits like his wooden teeth. (Side note: History teachers do not like it when you question them on things like this.)

Recess was my first experience with gang rivalry.

I am still upset about having to learn cursive just to sign my damn name on a check.

My Major in College was theater (I don’t know why either) I never taken a single computer class... I am an IT manager.

The closest application I have come to using art appreciation is laughing at something scrawled on a bathroom wall.

Teachers always told me there was no extra credit in real life. The careful application of a Christmas gift with a steady stream of butt kissing is exactly like extra credit.

Success is not 99% sweat 1% talent. It is in fact 20% work, 79% who your Dad’s friends are, oh and 1% talent if you actually got the job on merit.

I am still waiting to use the calculus I was told I would need later in life.

Friday, August 28, 2009

The Franken Pickle

A long time ago a struggling farmer in brokeandpoor'istan decided that his cucumbers did not have the shelf life they needed to get him through the harsh winter. Why did he grow cucumbers when there are better tastier things to grow no one knows. Anyways he used his knowledge of unholy science (graduated magnum come laudy from unholy University or Evil U) to infuse the cucumber with the essence of undeath and of course dill for flavor. And thus the pickle was formed using this dark ritual of sucking life from an object using brine, this gave the young farmer sadistic ideas. Now this farmer of fragrant death did so well tricking the locals into buying his sacrilicious forbidden fruit that he was eventually able to buy a castle and by proxy terrorizing the peasants which was the custom of the day. (Like when you live in Malibu California you are expected to talk like a moron, same thing in brokeandpoor'istan but you terrorize peasants.) The pungent fumes of distinct distilled death hung about the town like the eking ooze of an overfull sewer in spring time. No one could stand the new land owner except a large mentally challenged boy who was born without a sense of smell. He worked for the new lord in his defunct factory all the day long. But the farmer, turned lord, turned terrorizer, turned evil scientist demanded more. He hatch a cleaver scheme and employed his Knowledge to turn the large retarded boy into an untiring slave (Go Evil U home of the flying monkey mascot.) So he took the boy and threw him into the pickle vat and drained him of life, then added dill for flavor. The boy emerge a very stinky monster enraged and upset (mostly because he couldn't get that nasty taste out of his mouth.) He raged forth into the town and upon seeing their large slow child now pickled beast from beyond, they set forth and killed the lord and destroyed all that was left of his laboratory. Thus destroying the formula for pickles forever! Or so they thought but the Lord had sent the formula to his alma mater Evil U and they published it in the "were are they now" magazine. And that's why I didn't go to my 10 year high school reunion... No wait different story sorry. And that's why I don't like pickles. Because they are made from retarded children and the shattered dreams of oppressed villagers with just a hint of dill.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The worst ideas I have had for blogs so far

When trying to come up with something amusing everyday to blog about sometimes you just run out of ideas. But on the other hand I do have scruples here are some of the topics that got thrown out.

1. Blogging: Who wants to read a blog about blogging, wait forget you read this one.

2. The joys of abstinence: I tried to convince myself that it was joyful not getting any, but then I started crying uncontrollably.

3. Popcorn: After butter and salt I started thinking about going to movies alone then the joys of abstinence and started crying again.

4. Being Nice to people: I just honestly couldn't think of anything to say so I didn't say anything at all

5. Why I hate pickles: I might do this one on a 'desperate for ideas' day in the future but I figured who the hell cares.

6. The Worst ideas I have had for blogs so far: oh um well it's a slow day

7. What it's like to get a good nights sleep: I tried for hours but had no real life comparisons so I gave up.

8. Blank page: I tried but it wouldn't let me publish it for some reason

9. 10 best blogs: Then I thought I shouldn't tell you because then you might not read mine anymore

10. The top 10 reasons women wont date me: I figure if they read any of my previous posts this just becomes redundant.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A plea to the masses stop the insanity

We live in troubled times the banks aren't secure, there is a constant threat of terrorism, job loss is at an all time high, and sometimes when I put one of those new air fresheners in my car that looks like a tree I can only smell it for like a day. And in this turbulent time we look to make it worse I am talking of course of chain letters. Let me set a few things straight.

1. Bill gates will never give you money for anything he will actually bleed you dry and swim in your blood while he makes you try and use vista before he would consider giving you money. Then he would sell your organs.

2. There is no virus that will burn a hole in your hard drive. Seriously people burn a hole in your hard drive? Is the virus made out of magnesium and ignites when you open the email? If that's the case the inventor of the virus deserves a medal or grant or something for figuring out how to bend the laws of physics and send solid matter through email.

3. Norton Anti-virus is not gearing up for a big virus. What do you think that they hear through the virus grape vine that there is a new contender in town and start a massive undertaking with special troops dressed in ninja outfits? No that's their job they are nerds sitting in a basement fixing stuff so stop thinking of them as elite commandos out for blood.

4. A funny picture will never move if you send this email to three people. What the hell is wrong with you people? Do you think that the email knows magically when you send it on then lovingly grants you your grandest desires? No, so stop sending me this crap

5. You will not have bad luck if you don't send this to seven people if anything you will have good luck for not sending it at all. If you ever get one of these send it back seven times to the person who sent it with a death threat attached if you can.

6. This is real people it was check out by snopes.com. Snopes is awesome for debunking rumors and hoaxes I uses them often. Just because an email has this on it doesn't mean a damned thing! Check your facts before you send it. I recommend actually using snopes.com. (you people make me cry inside sometimes.)

7. Political opinions, religious opinions, and cute pictures of kittens should not be sent to every person on your contacts list. Ever stop to think my opinion might be different than yours, and what you sent was actually pretty offensive? Especially those damned Kittens!!! I don't want to see them frolicking about with quotes that says "look they think they're people." And if you get a response from me and I have edited and put little Hitler mustaches on all of your kitties or taken them off of political leaders don't freak out if you want my actual opinion I will give it to you.

8. Funny haha I love funny emails but know your audience. The send to all email is not for everyone. This is how spammers get lots of new email addresses ever day just one of these intercepted emails has like 50 new names on it. You know why? You forwarded a forward of a forward of a forward. At least have the decency to clean it up a bit before you send it on.

9. When you misspell a word it shows up in red. Now I am not the king of spelling anyone reading any of my posts will know that instantly, but if it's burning red at you just look at the suggestions for spelling please. I catn taek thiss craap anymores

10. Just stop the insanity. If you want to know what's what, the internet is a great tool. But it is also full of idiots on an idiotic rampage unwittingly trying to destroy the world by a combination of shock, awe, and chain letters. Don't participate in the mayhem I am begging you.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Show reviews

I watch a lot of T.V. while not sleeping and I thought a synopsis of some of the shows I saw this season might be helpfull.

House: Strung out narcissistic Doctor repeatedly misdiagnoses patients with the help of supposedly qualified team until harassed by under dressed chief of medicine who he mocks then figures it all out.

30 Rock: The brave story of mentally handicapped actors and their attempt to make a show.

Bones: Socially retarded bone expert makes FBI agent sexually frustrated.

Prison Break: If you missed season 1 there is now no actual prison.

Terminator the Sarah Connor Chronicles: Over protective mom prepares son for possible future in army.

Lost: Gilligan's Island remake if Gilligan crash landed in a plane, the skipper was an insane balding knife enthusiast, and Marry Anne was a homicidal tease with daddy issues.

Castle: Writer uses wealth to hinder police investigations while hunting for tail.

Better off Ted: Realistic look at business today.

The office: Failing paper company makes ends meet by working less.

Dancing with the stars: B actors crave spot light sometimes hurt selves.

Heroes: Watch as we give special powers to average people only to take them away over and over and over again.

Monday, August 24, 2009

More fun with yahoo answers

As some of you know I enjoy perusing the yahoo answers on occasion and screwing with people, this is one of those times.

Original Poster:
How do I get over an Ex?
It has been 4 months since me and my Ex broke up and I still think about him and dream about him I know it wasn't a good relationship and needed to end but how do I move on with my life?

Ex Doctor: (Me)
Have you tried looking at a picture of him while hitting yourself very hard in the back of the head? This is known in the profession as reference pain then when you think about your Ex next time you will think that he is a jerk for causing you so much pain. Note: this also works with ice cream flavors you don't want to eat anymore.

Original Poster:
Um.. How would that help I feel emotional pain when I think about him now that's my problem is that I think about him all the time everything reminds me of him.

Ex Doctor: (Still me)
Oh I see what the problem is try using a picture of a pony then.

Dawn Juan: (also me)
I got over my Ex by calling him up 30 to 40 times a day till he got a restraining order against me. Then when I got near him I got arrested and in prison I found the man of my dreams. He was a correctional officer and while he doesn't know I love him yet I follow him around town and take pictures of him then photoshop myself into them so it looks like we go everywhere together. We are so happy together.

Ex Doctor: (Me again)
Ah photo replacement stalker therapy good for you Dawn very healthy.

Silly Nelly: (Me once more, yes I make random email names then cancel them when I am done tormenting people)
Don't listen to them the best way to get over an Ex is to tell a doctor you are depressed which I am sure you are. When he prescribes Zoloft use a razor and cut it with some sweat and low and take about 5 at a time. After a week or two you will have trouble remembering anything at all.

Original Poster:
Drug abuse and stalking people can I get someone serious to help me!?

Semi Serious: (Yes it's still me)
First of all let me start by saying I am sorry you are in so much pain I have been there here are the steps that helped me get over my Ex.

1.Step one Eat more: really let yourself go then you will come to the realization that even if he did come crawling back he wouldn't want you back now that you are a bloated shell of a human being.

2. Step two Bore Everyone in the whole world with the details: Make sure that you don't have a single conversation without bringing up how much your Ex hurt you and how you miss him and want him back. Your friends and family and mail man that you bored to death will ban together to quickly beat the crap out of you with that photo album you insisted on showing them over and over again. Then you will have new things to worry about like medical bills and how you are going to eat all your food that you now love (see step one) through a straw.

3. Step three drunken phone calls: Get really hammered maybe not Zoloft and sweat and low hammered (seek help Silly Nelly) and call up your Ex and poor out your heart when you remember what you did the next day you will be so riddled with self loathing and guilt at what you said you will never be able to face him or her again.

4. Step four Do an Exorcism: Perhaps your Ex was in fact a hell spawn from beyond and you can't stop thinking about him or her because they have planted their demon seed in your immortal soul for kicks and giggles. Find a priest or a friend with a leaf blower (put it on reverse to suck out the evil) and just go nuts expelling his or her evil influence on your life.

5. Step 5 BURN IT DOWN!: If the priest or leaf blower where unsuccessful then it is time to burn away the very life that has trapped you into believing you can't live without this person. Take out a fire insurance claim and burn your apartment/house to the ground sear away all memories of the life you may have had together and start fresh with that insurance money. Or if they investigate you and that fails see Dawn Juan's answer while you are in prison for insurance fraud.

Original Poster:
Huh.. That actually helped thanks Semi Serious

Semi Serious:
All helpfulness what unintentional you getting any answers from the aforementioned intones that you are a strange and deeply flawed individual. Want to go out some time?

She has not answered me back yet

Friday, August 21, 2009

My thoughts about things

Global Warming: I think its a good thing because I was a bit chilly this morning.

Gay Marriage: I know most people wont touch this with a ten foot pole but I think that gays should have the right to get half their stuff taken away by an upset ex. Also with common law marriage laws in some states it would be funny to tell roommates that they have been living together for a year and now they are legally married.

Cheese Graters: Love em' how else are you going to make super delicious nachos?

President Barack Obama: If all the rumors are to be believed he is the Savior, the anti Christ, Going to kill old people, going to save old people, American, Islamic, Related to Hussein, Not black, extra black, and in a conspiracy to destroy/save American life as we know it. Now if all these things are true and both sides seem to think they are then he will implode any day now because all forces are in exact equidistant proportion and the slightest breeze will cause an intimidate implosion followed by the creation of a Black hole (no puns of any kind intended).

Health Care: Now if I am reading the news all the crazies are saying that this new health care bill will kill all old people and are outraged by it. The opposing side is denying this, so the only thing they seem to agree on is that killing old people is bad. But have they given this serious thought? If we in fact start offing old people then we don't have to worry so much about medicare, population control, and that one guy who goes 22 miles an hour on the freeway. The downside is that the mothball industry will take a serious hit as well as the butterscotch hard candy districts and Matlock reruns will have to be stopped immediately.

Blogging: If these thoughts did not get down somewhere I think I would probably have gone crazy a long time ago... Well crazier.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Total eclipse of the random Thursdays

A friend set me up on a date the other day. It didn't work out because we were looking for different things. She was looking for a better looking guy and I was looking for a girl with really low standards.

My area doesn't have a neighborhood watch program. So I decided to get a good buzz going. I would leave notes on random peoples windows that says 'I'm Watching you!' It worked great I even got the police involved in patrolling our street, and knocking on doors, and arresting old Mr. Johnson. Hmm.... Maybe I shouldn't have used his stationary.

I think that if God was an abusive drunken hillbilly you would be his finest achievement and he would be so proud of you. But He's not so.... ya.

Ever wonder if numbers have feelings and hopes and dreams and when they get multiplied it's kind of like them getting married and having children? And when they get divided it's like numbers going to war and getting horribly wounded and having to have a leg amputated then come home to an unforgiving family that never looks at him the same way again? Ya I don't think about that stuff either.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Best places to find girls

I can never seem to find girls so I have compiled a list of all the new places I can look.

1. Homeless shelters: Sure they may be stinky and have bad teeth but they don't run that fast because they are malnourished.

2. Graveyards: Not only do you get to see them all dressed up you get to see how bad they are going to cry at things. (Side note: the available ones are the ones in black next to the shinny box.)

3. Animal shelters: Girls are a sucker for puppies and kitties and stuff so if you threaten to harm them unless they go out with you they will have no choice.

4. Protests: It doesn't matter what they are protesting just pretend to be as passionate as they are. Then talk about "the man" a lot then ask them to go and get a bite to eat so you can share your red hot anger at stuff and things. (Note: this does not work at feminist rallies and you may end up with a broken pelvis.)

5. PTA Meetings: Pretend to be a hard up Dad with so much love for your dead wife and talk about how hard it is being all alone with a kid. (Note: this only works if you like chicks with kids. P.S. this may end poorly and with your arrest if you are found hanging out around high schools trying to find out when the next PTA meeting is.)

6. All girl colleges: Dress up like a girl, make friends, get invited to a slumber party, start a pillow fight. I am almost positive that every girl pillow fight end up with girls kissing. (Note: Please don't take this one away from me it's all I have.)

7. 3:00 AM Crispy Cream Donuts: Not only while you are waiting do you get to eat delicious donuts but any girl who shows up at 3:00 AM for a double twisty goo cruller is in desperate need of attention.

8. Prison: Sure they may have been locked up for stabbing their boyfriend with an ice pick 37 times but while they are incarcerated you get to control the amount of time you spend with them. Plus I have a friend who is a guard there and he can tell me which ones might physically harm me. (Note: I talked to my "friend" who is a guard is a big baby and wont have any part in this. Something about loosing his job and how I am insane blah blah blah!)

9. Department of Motor Vehicles: Wait for a crazy long line stand in it till you get a great spot then pretend to know the pretty girl that walks in and hopefully she will play along to get a spot in line. Not only will she see what a great line stander inner you are but you get to pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend for a while. (Note: these relationships only last about 2 hours and usually end in the "why the hell where you standing in this line in the first place conversation" to which I still have no answer and usually talk about yacht licensing till they see I am full of crap and leave me.)

10. Clinics: I am not sure what type of clinic it was but I know that most of the girls came out crying and in need of a hug. It was a gold mine.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Things I was Promised

Things That I was Promised but never got

1. Flying Car: I crash every car on the ground and that it has been deemed a safety violation for me to even be in a moving vehicle so I need the sky as a more open less oppressive place to drive.

2. A robot: I realized that robots like the terminator make us fear that if we make a robot really intelligent it will realize we are its inferiors and destroy mankind. But it would be really cool to have one until that happened.

3. Jet Packs: See flying cars

4. Holodecks: Like from star trek. How about any holo technology at all. I would settle for virtual reality head sets but no. Like the robots the holo programs could become intelligent and try and take us over. But unlike the robots they have to stay in the holo room and I am guessing that 90% of all holo programs would just be hot girls in skimpy cloths anyways, and I don't think I would mind them taking over.

5. Transporter technology: I once thought my microwave was a transporter and put a frog in there an set it so that he could go to the pond. When I ran down to the pond sure enough there was a frog and when I got home my mom got mad and made me clean the microwave. I told her that it was a new transporter so of course it would make a bit of a mess but there was defiantly nothing resembling a frog in there so I am pretty sure it worked.

6. Space travel: I can't go to the moon for a pleasingly vacation weekend. In fact they don't even send professionals to the moon anymore I understand that once you have cruised the sea of tranquility on a lunar scooter it's all pretty much down hill, but you could pretend that the billions we pay to NASA is going somewhere.

7. X-ray specs: These would only be used for nefarious deeds but still I thought they were on the horizon at least. And if I had a pair I wouldn't need to look so hard for that pesky Adams apple.

8. A girl friend: This is not one of those long term they promised this to my parents in the 70's and now I don't have it, but I got on one of those internet dating sites and they promised me a girl friend.

9. 401k Security: "Investing in this is the smartest thing you can do for your future" they said. Lame.

10. Healthy food that tastes good: Ok this is one that they have been promising since like forever in every future ever all your nutrition is in the form of really tasty food. BUT NO! healthy food still tastes like crap.

Friday, August 14, 2009

My letter to PETA

Dear PETA,

I saw yet another angry outburst from your organization the other day in the news. Which angry outburst? I can't be sure they all kind of blend together into one mass of crazy. That I tend to put in the same category as children hissy fits and feminists that scream about "man hole covers" means that the cities of the world are sexist. But it got me to worrying about your members since you always seem to be screaming and are never happy unless you are putting out sexually provocative adds about celery and something about naked women who don't like fur. Which is funny if you think about it because of all of those feminists who also belong to PETA and don't shave send the wrong message about fur being bad, but I digress. I was worried because you always seem to be so cranky. It is my understanding that you don't like tasty tasty meat products (to each his own) and I think you may be suffering from Protein deficiency.

Here is the definition: Protein deficiency is a serious cause of ill health and death in developing countries. Protein deficiency plays a part in the disease kwashiorkor. Protein deficiency can lead to reduced intelligence or mental retardation. Now I am not trying to say that all members of PETA are mentally retarded but then I looked a little further and found this

Mental retardation: A term used when a person has certain limitations in mental functioning and in skills such as communicating, taking care of him or herself, and social skills. These limitations will cause a child to learn and develop more slowly than a typical child. Children with mental retardation may take longer to learn to speak, walk, and take care of their personal needs such as dressing or eating. They are likely to have trouble learning in school. They will learn, but it will take them longer. There may be some things they cannot learn.

So if I am reading this right, and I think I am when you decided to stop eating meat you lost the basic ability to communicate, you developed eating deficiencies, and you started yelling at the world for not understanding. But that's not your fault because your social skills are being affected. And you think that yelling at everyone all the time for not agreeing with you is just your cute little way of trying to get attention. Now yelling isn't the best way to get what you want but it's ok because you take longer to learn things like that now. And I finally understand the anti fur campaign is that just because you are having trouble dressing yourselves? Or is it because it looks like a scary Monster? Don't worry it can't hurt you and if you need help getting dressed there are all kinds of facilities that can teach people with your special needs how to get on those hard coat sleeves and really difficult things like tying your shoes. What am I saying you probably can't understand me but that's ok PETA because I now understand that there are just some things that you can not learn.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

10 reasons to feel pretty

Ever have one of those morning where you wake up and no matter how you look at it you just feel like crap you look like crap and nothing in this world can help? Here are a few things that might cheer you up.

1. Fat people are hard to kidnap. So you probably don't have to ever worry about that one.

2. Pretty people are constantly being harassed by non pretty people which means that today at least you will not be harassed.

3. Sweatpants are very comfortable and that hole in the crotch makes it nice and breezy. Why is it that every pair of sweatpants in the world has a hole in the crotch?

4. You are probably going to get to eat some kind of cake tonight. Cake is for celebrations and for self loathing. So really it's a celebration of self loathing.

5. Odds are no one at all cares enough about you to care what you look like. Does that help at all?

6. You have to believe in yourself when no one else does. Like now for example.

7. If you do get anything all done today besides baking yourself a loathing cake you will probably be praised for it in that 'one' tone "Hey way to go man. I knew you could do it if you put your mind to it, you went to the grocery store all by yourself, great job." You know the tone I am talking about. The one you use in the room when grandma is dying and you are talking to a particularly slow kid.

8. When you finally do get around to bathing yourself you will probably find that gummy bear you lost down your shirt.

9. No matter how ugly you are you can always go to Walmart and feel just a little better about yourself. Or bad for humanity, but you decided.

10. You are pretty on the inside, I have no proof but I am assuming against better judgment.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Totally random and sort of conspiracy related

Global warming is a conspiracy by Women who are chilly and don't want to wear that unflattering sweater.

Hospitals are open 24/7 so why does it take 5 days to get a test done? Because I am sure there is only one actual doctor and 900 interns.

The "failed economy" is just a plan to fight immigration we figure if it gets bad enough here maybe people will just go home. This has been in beta in the state of Texas for the past 75 years.

Fat people are the new majority. hehe get it.

New politics idea. Take all the left wing liberals and the right wing nut jobs and lock them in a room without food or water. I am guessing the entire political system will stabilize in about 5 years.

New study shows that 6 out of 5 women are bad at math.

Congratulations to Colgate the 5th dentist caved and now they are all recommending brushing your damn teeth. (This comment made after a meeting with someone with bad breath)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Why you Women don’t understand us men

It finally clicked the other day why women don’t understand us men. And I know there have been articles and studies done on the subject. Probably millions of dollars sunk into understanding the delicate ego that is the male mind. Well guess what, those studies where done by women. (Also while reading this article if you do it in your best Zapp Brannigan voice from Futurama it helps drive the point home) They couldn’t possibly understand the complexities of the man’s man or even better the man’s man’s man.
Let me break it down for you.
While you women where playing with my little ponies us men where playing with G.I. Joes. Now would you 20 years later want to go see a my little ponies movie? No, that’s stupid. Would I want to go see a G.I. Joes movie? I am going again in twenty minutes.
You used to play tea party with your little dollies. Sure you can do that now but it’s boring your friends that like tea are pretentious. I used to play in the mud with my toys. I still play in the mud with my toys the only difference is my toys are cooler now.
It even comes down to food as a child you liked hot dogs cut up in Mac and cheese now you like salad and healthy crap. I also liked hot dogs in Mac and cheese and I just had it for lunch. The only reason I didn’t have steak is because it takes to long to cook, and I didn’t have a woman to cook it for me. So while you are changing year to year us men are staying the same. Stop looking for our subtitle changing ways you knew us when we where 5 and we are pretty much the same the only difference is you don’t have as many cooties now.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Things I learned while being sick

There are a few things you learn by being sick that you just can't learn any other time in your life. Like how many times will a nurse stick you with a needle without hitting a vein before she apologizes? How much will that doctor that stuck his head into your room and never actually spoke directly to you end up charging you? And my favorite how many times will you be asked "hey how you feeling?" before you completely flip out? I decided to share some of these secrets with you so that you don't have to wonder anymore.

How many times will a nurse stick you before she apologizes? In my experience it takes 9 miss pokes before you get the "I'm sorry" then when she finally hits the vein she will look at you and expect immediate praise. I recommend giving it to her because you never know if she will be the same nurse later that makes you pee into 30 to 40 cups. I believe if you say thank you, you only have to pee into 2 cups.

How many cups will you be asked to pee into before they realize that they asked you not to eat or drink passed midnight and you are completely empty? 2 unless you didn't say thank you then 30 to 40.

How many times will you be asked the exact same personal information in one day? How many people did you see wearing scrubs this is the answer.

How much will that doctor that didn't actually speak to you end up charging you? 7 to 8 hundred dollars or 100 dollars a second or 50 dollars a word.

How many times will you have to go to the doctor/hospital before you have a diagnosis? I am up to 10 I'll let you know when I have a diagnosis.

How many times will someone ask you "hey how you feeling?" before you just flip out and start what will later be know as the worst killing spree in history? Just ask me one more time and find out.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Guest Blogger

Poor Syden is down and out for the count for a few day (do not fear, he will return) and in the meantime has graciously allowed me to mess around with his blog. Being his sister (and favorite sibling) I hung out with Syden a lot growing up. As some of you might have guessed by now he and his friends occasionally played RPG games. I remember well that the pool table downstairs made for an excellent space to fill up with dice, large books with names like Monster Manuel on the cover, and snack foods. In all the time I hung around and watched I only ever played maybe twice. I did pick up a few things though that I like to apply to everyday life.

1. You can have strength, dexterity, wisdom, and intelligence but without charisma no one will actually like you.
2. There are some out there who have no strength, dexterity, wisdom, or intelligence and still manage to have charisma. In other words no matter how weak, inexperienced, stupid or clumsy you are you can still be likeable.
3. Feed the DM. If he isn't happy then no one is happy.
4. If the wizard annoys you, steal his spellbook.
5. Figure out your enemies weakness. And never shoot a skeleton with arrows.
6. If others figure out your weakness then you will be defeated. (And end up buying that kitchen tool the telemarker said you had to have)
7. Campaigns can last a long, long time.
8. Dice do not have to be six sided.
9. Risks can pay off....sometimes.
10. Figurines hurt when you step on them.
11. Your 15 level chaotic elf can sometimes get the snot kicked out of him by a little girl.
12. Not everything is what it seems.
13. Do not drink the unmarked bottle. Even if you think it just might be that healing potion you really need.
14. Do not wake up sleeping dragons.
15. Do not play RPG games with Syden. He has an uncanny ability to roll high.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Kidney Stones part II Return of the stone

I have kidney stones again I haven't been feeling particularly funny lately writhing in agony so I am taking a small break from blogging until it passes. Thanks for reading and to my loyal minions I'll be back soon.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Fan Fiction

One of the more enjoyable things in life is when I am having a completely normal conversation with someone which steers naturally into what kind of books or movies we both like and ends with a 9 hour discussion about this persons insane fan fiction. Sure I like to come home from the Transformers movie and imagine how cool it would be to have a robot car that I never had to fill with gas for the trade off of mild radiation poisoning. But to write a 30 page story about how BumbleBee is in love with me and is really a girl robot and how he transforms into the best lover you've ever had, well... that's literally insane. No seriously, I looked it up
Insane: Traditionally, insanity, craziness or madness is the behavior whereby a person flouts societal norms and may become a danger to themselves and others.
You flouted social norms by thinking it was ok to tell me about your sexual fantasy involving a robot car, and endangered yourself by not realizing that I might beat the crap out of you for telling me in great detail about it for 9 hours = insane. You then endangered me by giving me the equivalent of a brain colonic whereby I almost had an aneurysm. Now I have always considered myself nerdy beyond all reason. I enjoy D&D, play World of Warcraft, am an IT Manager, write a blog, and have seen every episode of every Star Trek ever. I however draw the line at dressing up like a moron and flaunting my geekdom with a homemade sword and elf ears. OK that one time I made a foam sword and played battleguard in the backyard BUT I DID NOT WEAR STICK ON EARS. (That sentence right there will keep me out of politics forever) But people if you like an idea write about it but please keep your insanity bottled up deep inside like the rest of us. I am generally against the death penalty but if I have to sit through one more discussion about How Gandalf could in fact be your grandfather because you were adopted and you have strange magical powers I might just have to inject you myself. I'll give you this you do have the power to make me feel normal you freaking psycho.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Under the weather

Not feeling great today so here are some funny pictures to tide you over. Click to enlarge if you can't read them.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Bored at 4 am

So around 3:30 this morning I got bored trying to sleep I rolled over and laid there for another half hour before deciding to start my day. Now I don't know if anyone else has felt this peculiar sensation before where you are so tired that you could actually cry but can't sleep and it literally bores you to try. So now after lolly gagging around the house (that's right I can lolly gag with the best of them) I decided to come to work a few hours early for no other reason than I had nothing better to do. In the past I have come up with interesting things to do at 4am but that was when I had a roommate in the same room as me to torment, there was a t.v. show I hadn't watched yet, or my laundry needed doing. So now I am looking for suggestions from any of you. What do you do at 4am when you can't sleep. My sock puppet show is the most requested but I am tired of doing it for just me as an audience, last time I clap when it was over and killed two of my favorite sock puppets may they rest in peace.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Things that don't make sense to me

Sayings that don't make sense at all:

Sub par: Coined from a golf term par is the amount of strokes you get to get the ball in the hole. If something is sub par or under par then that should be a good thing. So when I told that girl that she looked sub par yesterday she should have taken it as a compliment. Instead of kicking me in the crotch on the elevator.

Irregardless: If something is irregardless then it is not regardless but they are supposed to mean the same damned thing. I am going to start saying irregrettable and see if it catches on.

Have your cake and eat it to: Am I stealing cake to eat? Of course I am going to eat my own cake.

The whole nine yards: What the hell is measured in nine yards? In football you would be one yard short. Seriously why would I go nine yards.

There is more than one way to skin a cat: .......Um that's nice Joe I am going to call the police and tell them you are torturing animals again.

Slept like I baby: Babies sleep for about two hours wet themselves and cry. Ok I guess I did sleep like a baby.

Other random things I think about:

If quizes are quizzical what are tests?

Why does my toaster have a setting that would make a charcoal briquett

Corn oil is made from corn vegetable oil is made from vegetables we need to stop the production of baby oil immediately!!

Einstein theorized that nothing could reach the speed of light, I give you the speed of darkness.

My bank charged me money for having no money in my account I think they will be shocked when I can't pay them.

Hemorrhoids and asteroids should switch names, also crabs will now be called cockroaches.

Why are slow children crossing so many streets?

I wonder what the braille at the drive up atm says? Lets do the top 5
5. You have no idea how lost you are right now.
4. You are about to be hit by a car.
3. Seriously I mean seriously you shouldn't be driving!
2. Get a new seeing eye dog this on is retarded.

Ok enough random for today

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

More Fun with yahoo answers

Original poster:
Skin rash question, red and purple dots?
i have some purple/red dots on my leg, what is it?

Dr. Doctor: (me)
Do the pustules in question pustulate or vibrate softly in anyway? If so you are dealing with the bubonic plague.

Concerned Citizen 223: (also me)
If you have the plague you need to take a pocket full of posies until you fall down of course.

Medical malpractice: (me again)
Have you ever come in contact with ape feces or had a bad tasting pineapple pizza? It could be superdonical purple zonkers syndrome.

Original Poster:
They are painful and I got them after a really hot day when I was outside. No I have not dealt with apes.

Dr. Doctor: (me)
That changes everything baring the ape fecal flinging at the zoo I would say you have heat rashititus purplicitus with a touch of necro dottizm. Take a hot bath add 4 cups of sugar to the water and let soak for 30 minutes. Then wear shorts and go near a river or body of water in your area and the mosquitoes will suck away the venom.

Original Poster:
Web MD does not pull up rashititus purplicitus or Neco dottizm.

Regretful child308: (still me)
I had micro necro dottizm as a kid but couldn't find a body of water with any mosquitoes now I have a hump on my back and smell of rotten grass all the time.

Original Poster:
Is no one going to help me for real?

Sincere Man460:
Sounds bad I would follow the Doctor's advice he diagnosed my wife with hyperdonic sexlexia best wedding night ever after I followed his cure of garlic salt and mustard under the tongue twice daily.

Original Poster:
You guys suck.

Original Poster:

Original Poster:

Original Poster:

Original Poster:

Original Poster:

Original Poster:

Dr. Doctor: (me still)
Ccc-Combo Breaker

Original Poster:

Original Poster:
*Comment has been removed due to violation of language*

Ya I reported him on that last one and it got removed, people just need to be more considerate when posting. I am going to hell.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

What kind of vampire is your new boyfriend?

With the recent upswing of vampire culture out there I'd bet that a lot of you gals out there want to know how to tell what kind of Vampire your new boyfriend is.

1. Does he drink your blood and leave you for dead? This is a sign of a bad vampire.

2. Does he sparkle in the sunlight? This is an indication of a gay vampire who used to much body glitter.

3. Does he show up in your room while you are sleeping and stare at you creepily? While this might seem romantic to some of you lunatics out there he is stalking you much as a wolf stalks food. This is a stalker Vampire.

4. Did he make you give up your college options to "be with him forever" even though he doesn't have a job? This is a trailer park vampire the house he took you isn't his he was squatting in while the tenants where away for the summer. All he wants to do is leave you knocked up with vampire spawn and leach off your bank account.

5. Is he over 100 or even over 35 years old? Think about it this. Dude is a total perv vampire you are like 16.

6. Is he cold and clammy to the touch? This is a sick vampire don't touch him he probably has the clap.

7. Did your supposed vampire live through the civil war? Maybe you should ask him some history questions and see if he knows anything at all or if he is a goth who is hard up for a prom date. This is a fake Vampire.

8. Did your new vampire boyfriend put you in between a three way war between Werewolves, bad vampires, and himself? This is a douche vampire make him settle the score before you start dating.

9. Has he ever indicated that he wants you to be his eternal bride before he has even had a conversation with you? This is a Model hunting vampire sure its nice to know that you are cute and all but in 50 years when the shine wears off your eternal apple he is going to find a new child bride to creep it up with.

10. Does he burst into flames when confronted with a cross, sunlight, fire, or when stepping on holy ground? This might be a keeper at least you have an insurance policy if he starts cheating on you or tries to steal your soul. We will call this one a controllable vampire.

I hope this helps you in your dating prospects.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Something random for your Monday

I went to take a bath this weekend to ease some sore muscles. When the water was about half full I put my left hand in, it was to hot so I took it out immediately and changed the settings. About 2 minutes later I went to check again, my left hand still a bit shy I put my right hand in. The water was just right so I put my right hand out and shook the water off. At this point I figured I would turn myself around because that's what it's all about. HOKEY POKEY!

I think that the army calling its cloths "fatigues" is sending the wrong message from now on they will be known as "awares" or maybe "wideawakes" or even "Don'teventryitIwilldestroyyourwholecountrywiththepushofabutton pants."

While driving I like to imagine what all the people I see are doing. That guy is taking his dog on a death march, That Girl is on her way to break up with her boyfriend, Those two guys are putting that girl in the front seat of that van and she looks dead...... That last one is actually true I might be contacted by the police any day now.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Nail biting

I recently read about gateway drugs and sometimes gateway eating. A gateway drug is like when you smoke pot then you have to do crack next to get that same sensation. Gateway eating is when you have a bread stick then have to have a slice of pizza. So what happens when you bite your nails? Do you ever finish biting those nails and think man I could go for some finger food right now? Sure licking some barbecue sauce a stray index finger is fine. But you need to know when to stop, and Cannibalism is never ok. Sure you may get going on a really nasty hang nail and think hey maybe I should kill my neighbor and grill him with up some pineapple mango sauce. But the answer is no! Sure he might be tender and delicious but that doesn't give you the right to marinate him in a red wine medley and slow roast him for a Sunday brunch that's just not ok. So try and think next time you decide to bite your nails that maybe just maybe you wont be able to stop with just one bite. You sick freak.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Contra The Later Years

In a rare tell all interview with the red guy:

As the 'guy in red pants' I was secondary to the 'guy in blue pants' I will never forget that day why did I decide to wear red pants WHY!

Why was it so hard to be the guy in red pants Commander?
You just don't understand as the guy in red I was expected to be the bottom guy, the one in the trenches swimming across motes as bridges exploded above me. Then there was the supply blimps.

What was so important about the supply blimps?

What was so important! What was so important! That was the guns man! The key to our survival but the Blue guy got them all! The Spread, the machine gun all of them! I was left to the single shot crap rifle! He kept insisting that I would get the next one but no! Oh I got that last one on accident how do you accidentally equip yourself with a new gun!!!

Commander Calm down please

Calm down! Calm down! WHY where we even there man? They just dropped us in the freaking jungle and guys where shooting at us like they knew we where coming it was some kind of sick joke.

Well its not like it was that hard with the code you know the up, down, left, right..

DON'T YOU SIT THERE AND SPIT CODE AT ME!!! Don't you think I know the code!? But you don't understand it's like crack man once you use the code you can't un use it. You find that you need it you can't do the missions without it. Its got a hold on you. You find yourself doing it every mission before the action even starts you start coding up. So do sit there and tell me it was easy! I spent 7 years in rehab to get rid of my code addiction.

I'm sorry I didn't know

Well you outta know man, you outta.

After that he spent 4 hours crying trying to hit select start

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Topics to avoid durring a massage

I get massages about once a month to help me deal with the no sleep and stress of the job. I figure that they must be pretty bored standing in a dimly lit room with a nude stranger in a towel listening to the same Enya song for the 30th time that day, so I try and make small talk. And with a bit of experience I have come up with a list of topics to avoid while professionally trained strangers poke at your highly sensitive pressure points.

1. Why they didn't get a job where they don't have to touch naked strangers while listening to Enya.

2. How often they have thought about killing a massage patient and hiding the body.

3. Anything to do with the little mermaid. (Don't ask)

4. Ranting about the music and how boring it is. This is a fact they are highly aware of and have most likely tuned out. Bringing this to their attention tends to open old forgotten issues and makes them want to hurt you.

5. Dead pets and why they miss them.

6. Why the name fluffy is a stupid name for a dead pet and why you think it probably deserved to die.

7. Never ask: "Have you ever made anyone cry with those mannish hands?" (this was a woman therapist)

8. For some reason I decided to talk about lemmings and how they where the predecessor to the suicide bomber (what!? I get bored sometimes)little did I know her husband was in Iraq. But you can make them blow themselves up you know.... the lemmings, I'm still talking about the lemmings.

9. How the game of tick tack toe is a lost art. This conversation has no where to go and will eventually lead you down the road of lemmings with suicidal tendencies.

10. And finally and most crucially never ever talk about massages from better massage therapists. Not only is it insulting it will as most of my massages do, only end it tears.

I think I might just start pretending to be mute of course if they know sign language all I know how to say is how 'bout those lemmings.