Friday, August 29, 2008

Act IX Roman Numerals..... or Act 9

Some say Rome fell when it was split into an eastern and a western empire ruled by separate emperors (hold on the history part is part of the funny). The eastern half became the Byzantine Empire, with its capital at Constantinople (modern Istanbul). The western half remained centered in Italy. But I think that they byzantine guy owed the Italian guy some money and couldn't figure out how to make change so decided to collapse the whole system and change the name of they city where he lived so that creditors could never find him. Why you ask would someone do something so world altering over something so trivial Roman numerals is the answer. You see Roman numerals are an interesting idea instead of numbers we will use letters then people have to figure out what those letters are even though they are secretly numbers. Does this remind anyone of math in high school (solve for X)? Many don't know the history of Roman numerals and the conspiracy to create them. They where invented by a group of rebels with the fall of the empire in mind. There objective was four fold and it collapsed an entire empire. Historians agree that the reason Rome fell because of a combination of such factors as Christianity, decadence, monetary trouble, and military problems. All linking back to Roman Numerals.

1.Christianity used the numerals to collect tithing "all you have to give is X% of your money" they would say and since no one could figure out what X was and didn't want to look stupid they did it and thus Christianity spread.
2.Decadence of course people where decadent they had no idea what anything was worth anymore a "golden scepter for only XCVIII that's a bargain!"
3.Monetary trouble since no one could figure out what the numbers meant at the end of the year everyone was having money trouble since they spent it all on number 2
4.Military Problems the military wasn't getting paid because the numerals where taking over and the Emperor couldn't find anyone who could explain it to him.

So as an act of desperation when the Emperor in Italy asked for more money the Byzantine emperor disavowed all knowledge of the dept hired a Jewish tax man and changed the name Constantinople to Istanbul. Problem solved but end of the empire. So now I can answer the song 'why they changed it I can't say' It was to keep the debtors away.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Act VIII Counting Sheep

There is one question I hate above all others. Hey good morning how did you sleep? As if it weren't evident from the dark circles under my blood shot eyes and the tell tale twitch that I am just millimeters from the edge. So when I am asked I tell this story it goes like this. There is a legend among us insomniacs spoken in hushed tones in dark places (mostly dark because it is night time and we are not sleeping). A Legend of a herd of sheep that if counted one will finally fall asleep. I know what you are thinking everyone knows that. Well shut up because it's a legend meaning that it might have worked once but now is just a load of crap we tell normals who think they actually need help sleeping. But to us sleep deprived it is like the holy grail or a fifteen dollar churro at Disneyland that didn't disappoint you, in other words sought after but never attainable. Well last night I was exploring this myth I did as my forefathers did (actually I only have one father but you get the idea) and I imagined a grassy clearing with an old wooden fence and then one by one I imagined the sheep jumping the fence (they kind of looked like those sheep in the Serta mattress commercials all fluffy and sort of cartoony but I digress. Anyways I started counting one, two, three, as each sheep jumped the gate and made a little baaaahhh sound thirty five, thirty six, thirty seven, then I realized I must have quite a lot of sheep piling up on this side of the gate with all that jumping and baaaahhh-ing. So I let my vision pan out to see where these sheep where going. Yes I know that's not supposed to be important but as you get more and more sleep deprived your mind considers stranger things than these I'll tell you. But as I panned out I could not see any of my recently counted sheep. That is until my fluffy little friend jumped the gate again thirty eight, baaahhh this is when I saw the horrifying truth. There where not thirty eight sheep my white frolicking friend jumped the gate then promptly walked to the side where there was a hole in the fence walked back around and jumped once more. THERE IS ONLY ONE SHEEP!!!! That's right one, I looked in horror as the fluffy figment of my imagination jumped the same gate over and over again. The scene disturbed me enough that it roused me from my imaginings and I dare not go back. What kind of creature would do such a thing? Anyways that was my night no sleep and a delusion about an insane cartoon sheep. How did you sleep?

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Act VII Geology Gone Amuck

Recently there has been an outpouring of “evil geologists” looking for a quick buck on the world domination and enslavement train. That’s right the worlds evil overlords have put aside there nuclear arms plans and have turned to the sciences to complete their long term objectives. They seek what only a geologist could give them a greenschist, (some explanation might be needed for all of you non-evil geologists.) A greenschist is a metamorphic schist containing chlorite and epidote (which are green) and formed by low-temperature, low-pressure metamorphism. Now stop and think about that for a second, a green rock formed by low temperature and low-pressure. What could have a lower temperature than space? And low pressure I think floating along in the vacuum of space is pretty low pressure. So are you thinking what I am thinking? That’s right geologists are looking for Kryptonite. A green rock from space known by evil geologist as “Greenschist.” They are helping the world’s evil geniuses to stop Superman. As we all know and to Superman’s great dismay Kryptonite is his only weakness. His super speed, super strength, and heat vision is useless to the awesome power of geology. So if you are a good American loving, non-evil person, do yourself a favor and stop the geologists before its too late. Storm the mountains where they live and throw rocks at them or something but be careful because they have hammers and picks. If you’re not sure what to look for and want to participate in “Beat geologists across America” program look for these tell tale signs.

1.Constant staring at counter tops, bathroom tiles, concrete side walks, or at anything else even remotely made of rock.

2.Say things like “that’s a nice rock,” then laugh hysterically for ten minutes.(note nice is a kind of rock)

3.Look for the tell tale bulge in the pocket and ask “is that a rock in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” The geologist will immediately pull out a rock.

4.When you a girl approaches and asks “if they want to make the bed rock.” A geologist will immediately go to look for his field guide, hiking boots, and rock hammer.

5.If they believe a recent event to be anything that happened in the last 100,000 years.

6.And finally if you over hear them saying “have you tried licking it?” with no note of sexual innuendo at all.

These evil geologists must be stopped join the Beat Geologists across America foundation and help us bring an end to the terror. No kryptonite seeking freak must go unpunished!

Dedicated to: Ben Davis and Craig Davis two Evil geologists still at large.

Act VI #2 Pencil is #1

This sham has gone on long enough. Ever school child, every College student who has ever taken a test knows the importance of the number two pencil. It has taken the nation by storm over the last fifty years coming into every facet of our lives. From that note left by your roommate to the doodle to pass the time we turn to our old friend. What better companion do you have when you need to bite and chew on something? Not those jerks over at Bic who leave an inky mess in your mouth, NO! I say stand up and be heard! Number two our friend our brother always there when we need you. But still we refuse to acknowledge the tried and true number two. Isn’t it time to drop the facade and proudly say number two pencils take your rightful place as number one!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Act V Golf, Coffee, and Cigarettes

Around the workplace I have noticed a trend: addiction = time. Or its counter formula non-addiction = negative time. Let me explain with a brief example. Friday afternoon, the office is quiet because by 10:00 the entire sales staff has used the secret elevator. Army crawled across the rooftop. Leaped from the third story into a strategically placed dumpster filled with tiny foam packing peanuts. Then used ninja mind techniques to evade prying eyes and gain an early weekend. Which I have to admit is a bit distracting owing to the fact that my window is in front of the dumpster. And seeing ten well dressed sales executives dive from your building makes you doubt your stock options. Then the clock chimes 10:01 and you realize that eight grueling hours still await you. But not all is lost because at least the CEO, COO, CFO, and NBC are sticking out the day and it gives you a glimmer of hope until of course that they walk past your office feigning a meeting and wearing golf cleats. So now all is lost you're stuck alone in the office with the village idiot that had to be hired for “equal opportunity” and the chimney that takes a smoke break every 4.5 seconds which of course leaves the work load on you.

So how I ask is this fair? I don’t have the major corporate sponsored addictions. I can’t come in late because I don’t drink coffee and “the line at Starbucks was so long” Is like the freaking Willy Wonka golden ticket excuse of all excuses for late coffee drinkers. I don’t golf so leaving for a five hour lunch break is out. And I don’t smoke so whenever a big project comes to my desk I can’t say “give it Jenkins I’m on smoke break.” So addiction = time. If I have acceptable corporate addiction IE golf, coffee or cigarettes then I get time to do those things. If I don’t then the equation works out to be non-addiction = negative time. Then I get stuck with all of the crap work that falls in the juggling act that it is my life. I wish it where still the mid 80’s then I could develop a LSD addiction and I would have all kinds of excuses to miss work. “Cant do it I’m meeting my dealer,” “Sorry I missed Friday’s meeting I was in the hospital and my brain was bleeding,” “Little frogs ate my brain and I no longer have the capacity for that task.” Ok that last one was a stretch but I figure if they are also on LSD then I am in the clear and I just totally gave him the freak out of his life. Maybe I will make a new game that involves drinking tobacco flavored coffee while outside on the grass hitting tether balls with a wooden bat into wicker baskets and it would be illegal to play the game unless you are there during work hours. I could call it Tosmacko pronounced to-smack-O then I would be king of the office!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Act IV Women Live longer then Men

Disclaimer: The following views are hilarious and may cause damage to your health if read in the vicinity of females

So Women live longer than men it is a proven fact they are healthier and live on average 10 years longer than their male counterparts, but why? Scientific studies would have you believe that women retain more body water, and that their fluid mass is able to sustain more white blood cells that fight off bacteria and other harmful agents that bring about early demise. These so called “facts” are false sure they can show you data and case studies but I have another explanation. I had a revelation the other day when I was driving in my car and the gas light came on. My passenger told me “hey you’re running on fumes.” And that’s when it hit me, fumes! Have you ever been in a room full of guys eventually the farts start coming whether we mean to or not the gas expands beyond our control and poof out it comes a variety of sounds and smells. Now take a step back have you ever been in a room full of females it’s like a freaking dysfunctional rose garden but the tooting is not to be heard. I submit that the reason that women last longer is because they are “running on fumes.” Somehow females have found a way to harness this gastrointestinal phenomenon into a raw power source. No pun intended. So as men slowly but surely putt putt around leaving in their wake the sweet smell of rotting death they are unwittingly shortening their lives. Am I suggesting that we stop farting? No! I say we lift a leg proudly and salute to the stench God gave us. I say bend over and let one for all of us. I mean what’s a few years of eating apple sauce with our tooth and yearning for the chewy deliciousness that is steak. I say let it loose proudly! Stand up, sit down and walk up and down the isles of your work leaving in your wake a cloud of manliness. BE A MAN AND LET IT OUT LOUD

Act III Sleep is a four letter word

After a needed rest from the vigor’s of uncovering the truth about certain inalienable facts I have come to a certain conclusion which I will now share with you. Sleep is a four letter word. Now I know what your thinking 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 no I count five in total well you’re wrong. It is a dirty perverse word generated from the “Man” to keep me down. Quite literally in fact: if the average person gets 6 hours of sleep in any given night and most Americans crave at least 8 hours they develop a longing sensation in the back of their brain. It is sending a signal from your medulla oblongata saying “hey I need more sleep.” All the while corporate America is selling you drugs to keep you up like coffee, caffeinated beverages, ginseng infested fruit smoothies, and Damned Dirty Hippie crap. All designed to keep you awake long enough that you can get through your day just in time to get home watch prime time and take sleeping pills. So why do they do it? Why would they systematically break down the Human spirit to a blubbering mass of non thinking burnt out long haired social leaches? It is a massive plot to overthrow the government by none other than the main proprietor of bean flavored liquid crack. That’s right Starbucks is to blame. They are selling their must have products to an unsuspecting populace all in an effort to take over congress so they can finally uncover phase three of their sinister plan. Phase One: sell delicious coffee there by making the world addicted what ever we say. Phase Two: Multiply over the face of the earth slowly move into every neighborhood, every street corner, and every soul. Phase Three: Kill all non supporters of coffee and coffee related products and release new flavor called mind control double late supreme with mocha whip cream and one of those swizzle sticks. So you see Starbucks has paid off scientists, government officials, and teachers to tell people “you need at least 8 hours of sleep to function properly. Other wise you’ll need to go buy a super sized coffee oh and have your heard about that new flavor it comes with one of those swizzle sticks for free!” So say no to sleep… don’t… give in to……… yawn…….. Corporate ……Zzzzzz Zzzzz ZZzzzzzzz…………

Act II Get Back to work

Work = Negative Energy
I like work, I have a good job were I feel appreciated (waits for laughter to die down from coworkers.) But as I understand it most people don’t like there jobs. But I have to admit that there are Monday’s that the cold grip of death is all that can get me out of bed at the crack of dawn to earn my meager pittance. But if I go to work earn my dues come home upset then go back again, were does this build up of negative energy go to? It simply compounds over and over again year after year until there is a little meter in your head that starts judging just how many years you are willing to be put away for, for the sniper rifle and clock tower approach that you’re itching for. So instead of the criminally insane approach I suggest this: Tape off a corner of your desk approximately one foot by one foot. The next time someone comes into your office and starts talking stare at it longingly. Wait until they ask one of the following questions: “What is that?” “Are you Ok?” “Will you work this weekend?” “Is that report I handed you 8 seconds ago done yet?” (Or any variation of these questions that might be more appropriate to you.) As soon as they ask begin smashing your head against the tape off area until they leave, call the police or until you pass out. I submit that this is the perfect way to get rid of that pent up negative energy. You will also find that people around the office ask you to do less and less until you are completely alone to seek the activity of choice. You no longer need to take it out on your friends coworkers or loved ones simply smash you problems away. Note: Smashing problems away may cause brain damage and or a sticky red substance to leak from your ears.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Act I Boredom

Boredom is the key element that drives most of my decisions in life. I get bored at work I make a new blog I get bored at night when I am supposed to be sleeping I have psychotic sock puppet wars to see who will rule the pillow kingdom. Boredom however can get you in to trouble for instance when called on in a meeting in which you are bored it is almost never a good idea to stand on your chair and declare pants liberation day (story for another time). So now as boredom leads me to share my innermost thoughts on an internet blog I worry that the German stalker I successfully deported in high school might once again find me. Oh well at least it would make for an interesting story to share on this blog and once again start the cycle anew. To those of you who know me hello! To those of you who don't I'm awesome. And to those of you who stalk me stop calling at 3 am I am still up and might just answer out of boredom. Stay tuned for act II coming soon to a blog near you.