Monday, March 30, 2009

Dear Korean boy

Dear 12 year old Korean boy,

Although I appreciate it when you respond to my online dating profile posing as a hot girl. Please stop sending the same message it makes me think the hot girl is insane. Also when asking questions be more subtle don't just blurt out what is your mothers maiden name or what was your first girlfriends name then immediately go into if you had to choose a password what would it be. The pictures you send while I would like to believe that you are in fact a super model it might be a good idea not to use actual super model pictures. And if you do decide to send me a Victoria's secret picture and say that it is you, you should at least try and use the same model in all the pictures. I know that you are trying to get my social security number and if you could spell social security it might just help you out. So my tiny Korean friend keep trying because even if you where just trying to steal my credit card number at least you responded.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Syden Insomniacs product development

I have decided to make an air freshener that smells like buttered toast and hot coco. I will be a millionaire by Christmas.

My recent line of computer mice that where made from actual mice has made P.E.T.A file an injunction against me. I don't know what their problem is I used the dead mice that had been used in lab testing. Besides the occasional extra ear they made for a fantastic feeling mouse. Especially the ones that where test subjects for shampoo companies man those things where soft and shiny.

Due to the recent economic downturn my heated cheese graters for instant nacho's line will have to be put on hold. Also the rumors of second and third degree burns from the product have been widely exaggerated. It has a tiny warning sticker right on it that reads may exceed temperatures not meant to be seen in nature. What? I like really hot nachos.

My pharmaceutical line is working well the pill that stops spontaneous combustion for paranoid consumers has a 99% success rate (man that one guy in Oklahoma really threw my numbers off).

Also my idea to combine weight loss pills with antidepressants that taste like chocolate and freshen breath have only reported a 7% mortality rate. Which we all know is a dramatic improvement from last year.

And finally my idea to make people staying at half way houses into a mindless force of warriors to conquer my competition has not gone as planned. Luckily tho we armed them and gave them confidence and firepower they are hooked on my old line of Chocolate flavored antidepressants so the problem will work itself out eventually.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Everything I need to know about social graces I learned in the elevator

After the age of eight it is almost never ok to push all the buttons to see them light up. Unless you see that a pretty girl is about to get on and you need more time to stare at her awkwardly trying to think of something cleaver to say and all that pops out is uh it wasn't me who pushed those.

Never stare directly at a pretty girl without blinking. Just because you won that staring contest that one time does not make it a marketable skill.

Never fart on an elevator the next person to get on will be your boss, a pretty girl, or it will be so horrible in the confined space that you will be clawing at the doors like a drowning victim gasping for air.

Never under any circumstances push the emergency stop button unlike the movies this will probably get you confined to the elevator for most of your morning. And just in case you where desperate and pushed the button to get even more time to strike up a conversation with that pretty girl remember this. A fireman will be the one coming to get you out. A strapping bulky fireman with arms like tree trunks with eyes the color of the sea after a storm. Why all firemen have those eyes I don't know something to do with smoke inhalation. And the first question he will ask is how stupid are you to push that button. The girl will laugh and it will all be over.

You know what screw it I'm taking the stairs.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Super random thoughts

Do you think cookie monster ever gets a fig newton in the mix and just freaks out?

Do Canadians get as mad as I do when they find an American quarter mixed in with their change while standing at vending machine and craving chocolaty goodness?

I think I might have post traumatic boredom disorder from last weekend. Seriously I am still shaken up about how bored I got.

Your not rock bottom when you attempt to commit suicide you are at rock bottom when you fail. I mean seriously can't you do anything right? (I didn't think I could feel bad about my random thoughts until just now)

Do you think that maybe the Germans didn't mean it during world war one and it was just a truth or dare game that got admittedly out of hand? Of course the world war two rematch was completely inappropriate.

I think bigfoot may have shaved himself and is currently passing him self off as a southerner with down syndrome. How else can you explain it.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Feeling lazy

Whenever I feel down I look at this picture and laugh and laugh until I cry. Then I miss Billy the best pony in the world.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Even randomer thoughts

The oldest profession in the known world is complaining; at least I have job security.

Goose feather pillows are supposed to be the softest but I find that mine starts to stink after a few days and I have to get a new goose; not really worth the effort.

If I where a T.V. producer I would do a reality show about how I go around and kill people who produce reality shows; although the final episode is kind of predictable.

People who play World of Warcraft or WoW surpassed the 11.5 million mark last year; Soon phase two of our nerdy plan to take over the world starts it involves tricking girls into liking us based on our video game prowess (we haven't worked out all the kinks yet).

This year for Easter I think I am going to hide my eggs in my neighbors yard. You know just to add to their sense of child like wonder; Also they are vegans and it is funny to see how grossed out they get at pretty colored eggs.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Im back

Ok after two drug addled weeks in excruciating pain I am back and will now share with you what I have learned.

When they pull a shunt out of your 'man hole' you are fully conscious they apply a local anesthesia which they jam down said 'man hole' in a tube there is no pain killer for the pain killer that they jam 4 inches down your penis. My Doctor let me know that there are a lucky few people that the anesthesia doesn't work and they can feel the entire procedure. How did I get so lucky. So after he went spelunking with his giant scope and I was lying on the cold table making sounds not unlike a whale giving birth. He used the claw attachment to pull out the shunt. Shunt sounds like such a nice word it sounds small and soothing. This is wrong. My shunt was just over a foot long and I could feel it pulling out of my kidney and sort of expected it to make the sucking sound like a plunger in a sink. Passed the prostate and out the 'man hole' it only took 15 minutes but it felt like sitting through a rendition pride and prejudice as read by a half illiterate who stutters. So now I'm back and will do my best to not let this experience get me to jaded. Actually I think I was already at the jaded maximum setting. Side note the qualifications for being a urologist are as follows: Likes to cause pain, has warm hands, no problem looking at another mans junk all day, horrible sense of humor (my urologist has one of those rock walls in his waiting room that has the water flowing down it. I know that sounds soothing but when you are surrounded by people who are in pain whenever they pee it is just cruel and unusual punishment), also you must hire at least one attractive assistant who no male patient can think about safely while in an exam room.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

This Just in Wing Commander Still Sucks

So I remember years ago before the genera of video games to movies was still somewhat unexplored a group of friends and I went to see the highly anticipated Wing Commander. It was laughable at best in fact I do recall we laughed quite a bit. Someone suggested to me that the movie would only be good if you where on drugs. As luck would have it my recent bout with kidney stones let me test this theory. And guess what even on heavy pain killers Wing Commander still sucks. But not to waste the experience I decided to test some other things. The enhanced Star Wars when Han Solo talks to Jaba the Hut in the Hanger it still looks as though he is made of a combination of pudding and poo but I did giggle a little more on drugs. Veggie Tales the Movie was down right hysterical on drugs. Ultra Violet on drugs made a lot more sense. And finally 'Indiana Jones and the Mysterious bout with aliens that are made of magnetic crystal' still felt like George Lucas and Steven Spielberg took it in turns to take Harrison Ford from behind. At least that's what it felt like yes even on drugs. So I hope that clears some things up drugs just can't make some movies better yes they where that bad.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Kidney Stones and you

So I had kidney stones this week, bad enough that they had to operate. Little know fact: once in a great while they have to go in through the "man hole" to get to the gigantic stones. Now while I was on morphine that's right they gave me morphine like the soldier in Saving Private Ryan right before he died. Now while I was in this state of liquid relief these are some of the conversations I had. While sitting in the recovery room I asked a pretty nurse out on a date. When she said; "no I am sorry I'm married" I replied; it probably wouldn't have worked out anyways I have a tube in my penis.
While waiting for the surgeon to arrive I asked if they where going to shave my nether regions. When they said no I asked in a disappointed voice if they would at least buy me breakfast when it was all over and tell me that they loved me.
When I arrived at the hospital emergency room the nurse and I got chatting and she asked me how was my weekend. I replied it was awesome and was thinking of converting to masochism because the pain was just so much fun. She stared blankly for a minute then left uncomfortably.
After failing to find the vein after 7 tries and bruising my arm horribly. Every time the nurse started by saying "slight pinch" about a half an hour later after I finally had some medication in me the nurse asked me how my pain was I replied it pinches slightly then glared at her. I actually got a laugh out of the doctor at that one.
Ok I am still pretty loopy so that's all for now sorry about the hiatus loyal readers. At least I found out that after two weeks of agonizing pain that going to the emergency room wasn't a complete waist of time. So that's good news at least.