With the economy the way it is these days and unemployment reaching new heights of despairitude odds are you are going to be going on a job interview. That means that you have passed phase one and they have either not caught on that your resume is a complete lie. Or they are trying to figure out how on earth you could have put 'first person to do the crab walk on the moon' and keep a straight face when asked about it. But with so many people out of work you need to stand out here are some tips on how to answer the tough questions they might ask.
Describe yourself in 5 words or less: Way way better than you. This shows that you are not only awesome but you compared yourself to them which is flattering and why wouldn't they want to hire a better version of themselves?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? A lonely survivor of the Zombie Apocalypse having killed all of my friends after they turned, desperately seeking safe haven in a world of horrors that never end. Expect shocked silence after this one as he thinks of you as a brave warrior. This shows your resilience, your ability to adapt to new situations, and your go to attitude.
What did you like least about your last job? I didn't like how when people didn't pay on time they made me leave the room then used loud party poppers. Then they had to call the guy they call "the cleaner" to handle all of the after party fun, and not once did I get invited or even get a piece of cake. This will show that you enjoy company activities and would like to participate in future company events. Don't get fooled into saying to many bad things about your last boss this question is a trap.
Why did you leave your last job? After the FBI raid I felt that the company I was working for had a poor future plus there were no stock options. Use this question as an opportunity to look for company benefits, like stock options.
What is your greatest strength? My greatest strength is my ability to know what others around me are thinking. It is ok to turn away and blush at what your boss just thought about you at this point. It makes him believe that you might actually have some super human trait he is looking for to put together a secret crime fighting team. And that is not something you want turn down.
What is your greatest weakness? My greatest weakness is that after I used my greatest strength to tell what people around me are really thinking I tend to cry a lot. Use your weakness to fortify his belief in your greater strength.
At this point you have all but assured your place back in the work force, good luck out there.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Things that bother me
A small list of things that bother me feel free to add to it in the comments section.
Girls in books or shows who think that they can change a Vampires after 265 years of being blood sucking monsters.
Why do movies that have the technology to show me really cool fight scenes decided at the last minute to hand the camera to the kid with seizures during all the intense action? Thus making me nauseous and completely miss what is actually happening except the gist yes, they fought got it… thanks for nothing.
Chain letters even if they have a good point, something funny, or a great picture that I might have considered forwarding on anyways. If I get to the bottom and it tells me to send it to 7 people or I will die a grizzly death it goes to the garbage. Stop it! A forward of a forward of a forward is no longer mail and will no longer be tolerated.
When a girl plucks her eyebrows till they no longer exist then draw them on with a blue pencil. Let me tell you what guys look for in eyebrows. Are there two of them? Can you see out from under them? That is all.
I saw an interesting preview, my friends went to see it and said it was great, so I go to the video store to rent it and all they have is the Uncensored and uncut version. There is usually a reason it was cut and censored and I want to see the damned version that got good reviews. Not the 7 hour version of dances with wolves! Note there is actually a 7 hour version of Dances with Wolves. I do not recommend this unless you are masochist with a death wish and think rising action is a guy riding on a horse for two hours.
When I reply to a coworkers morning greeting of “How are you?” with the obligatory “good, how are you?” And they respond by telling me all about their problems for the next 45 minutes. If we are friends great, if I only talk to you because I am forced to by company etiquette please leave me alone.
When people ask me if I have seen a movie, I tell them no but I am going to see it later then they talk about key plot elements in front of me insisting that it ruins nothing. Little secret if it was note worthy then it does matter!!!
When I am watching a show online or on T.V. and the commercials are way louder than the show.
Girls in books or shows who think that they can change a Vampires after 265 years of being blood sucking monsters.
Why do movies that have the technology to show me really cool fight scenes decided at the last minute to hand the camera to the kid with seizures during all the intense action? Thus making me nauseous and completely miss what is actually happening except the gist yes, they fought got it… thanks for nothing.
Chain letters even if they have a good point, something funny, or a great picture that I might have considered forwarding on anyways. If I get to the bottom and it tells me to send it to 7 people or I will die a grizzly death it goes to the garbage. Stop it! A forward of a forward of a forward is no longer mail and will no longer be tolerated.
When a girl plucks her eyebrows till they no longer exist then draw them on with a blue pencil. Let me tell you what guys look for in eyebrows. Are there two of them? Can you see out from under them? That is all.
I saw an interesting preview, my friends went to see it and said it was great, so I go to the video store to rent it and all they have is the Uncensored and uncut version. There is usually a reason it was cut and censored and I want to see the damned version that got good reviews. Not the 7 hour version of dances with wolves! Note there is actually a 7 hour version of Dances with Wolves. I do not recommend this unless you are masochist with a death wish and think rising action is a guy riding on a horse for two hours.
When I reply to a coworkers morning greeting of “How are you?” with the obligatory “good, how are you?” And they respond by telling me all about their problems for the next 45 minutes. If we are friends great, if I only talk to you because I am forced to by company etiquette please leave me alone.
When people ask me if I have seen a movie, I tell them no but I am going to see it later then they talk about key plot elements in front of me insisting that it ruins nothing. Little secret if it was note worthy then it does matter!!!
When I am watching a show online or on T.V. and the commercials are way louder than the show.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Super powers that would really suck to have
Read minds: Sure you might think this is awesome to know peoples thoughts but if you couldn’t turn it off you’d be popping prozac like skittles by the end of the week. People are depressing horrible beings and I am just thinking about my own thoughts. I shudder to think what some of the other people I know think about in spare moments.
X-ray vision: Sure you think it would be cool to see through walls and cloths but odds are if it was a powerful gift you would spend most of your time looking at people’s bones. And if you where ever to develop a close relationship with anyone they would die of radiation poisoning by the end of your first anniversary
Telekinesis: I am guessing moving things with your mind would be awesome except for the fact that I am guessing obesity in the guy who doesn’t have to walk to the cupboard to get Cheetos is pretty high. Also when you where sleeping odds are that you would move your room around in your sleep and that would make it hard to find your clean shocks in the morning.
Super breath: The ability to inhale or exhale with gale force winds might be useful on a sail boat but the second you sneeze someone is going to die.
Regeneration: If you are constantly regenerating then your pain receptors would never ever develop and you would have no pain threshold at all every time you stubbed your toe would be agony, sure it might grow back nice and neat but you would pass out like a baby every time.
Super human smell: Self explanatory I can barley stand the smells I deal with now. And passing a gym would probably kill you.
Waterbreathing: This would be cool at the beach for about 2 hours till you got all pruny and it started to hurt that you where underwater that long. Oh and the sewers dump just off the coast so enjoy.
See the future: You will only see reruns on TV for ever after and will always be bored.
X-ray vision: Sure you think it would be cool to see through walls and cloths but odds are if it was a powerful gift you would spend most of your time looking at people’s bones. And if you where ever to develop a close relationship with anyone they would die of radiation poisoning by the end of your first anniversary
Telekinesis: I am guessing moving things with your mind would be awesome except for the fact that I am guessing obesity in the guy who doesn’t have to walk to the cupboard to get Cheetos is pretty high. Also when you where sleeping odds are that you would move your room around in your sleep and that would make it hard to find your clean shocks in the morning.
Super breath: The ability to inhale or exhale with gale force winds might be useful on a sail boat but the second you sneeze someone is going to die.
Regeneration: If you are constantly regenerating then your pain receptors would never ever develop and you would have no pain threshold at all every time you stubbed your toe would be agony, sure it might grow back nice and neat but you would pass out like a baby every time.
Super human smell: Self explanatory I can barley stand the smells I deal with now. And passing a gym would probably kill you.
Waterbreathing: This would be cool at the beach for about 2 hours till you got all pruny and it started to hurt that you where underwater that long. Oh and the sewers dump just off the coast so enjoy.
See the future: You will only see reruns on TV for ever after and will always be bored.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Statute of Friendly Limitations
In our justice system when a petty crimes and misdemeanors pass a certain amount of time they are forgotten. Even singed contracts can’t be sued if in breach if to much time has gone by, this law is called the Statute of Limitations. Well there is another kind of contract that people abide by called the social contract. This can be as simple as smiling back to someone who smiled at you, or doing that shoulder shrug and raised eyebrow thing people do when waiting for the same elevator. But one of the most annoying part of this social contract is when you are bound by social graces to say hi to someone you haven’t talked to in 10 years and could care less about. The conversation always goes the same way.
Random person you know you should know but are struggling with all your might to remember their name: “Hey man how’s it going?”
“Good,” awkward pause “How you doing?” often followed by the shuffling of feet or looking back apologetically to the people you came with but now are ignoring.
“I’m good, what you been up to?” The question hangs in the air like ever thickening pea soup as you try and figure out how to sum up the past 10 years of rising and falling action in as few words as possible without leaving room for follow up questions.
“Good,” you finally answer desperately choking back the answer you want to give which is always ‘why are we talking, and why do you care?’ “I’m good, just work and stuff you know.” The answer hangs there like a dead raccoon that has been reanimated back to life and only seems interested in humping your leg. You shuffle again uncomfortably trying to take it back, kicking unconsciously at the figment raccoon knowing that you have in fact left an opening for a questions and hoping that it goes unnoticed.
“Oh,” They answer seeing the opening “where you working these days?”
You sigh inwardly and look back at your friends once more but they are also bound by the contract not to interrupt unless invited to do so, and at the same time knowing that any move towards them will inevitably make this take much, much longer than it needs to. “I am an IT Manager at a small company,” You get to excited feeling that this horror will be ending soon and before you realize what you have done you ask, “How about you?”
“I am blah, blah at the blah, blah-oligist, and it is so rewarding blah, blah, blah, Marriage, blah, blah, me, me, me, Children, blah, blah, …” Sorry my brain has shut down at this point to protect me from the insufferable boredom and I can’t honestly tell you what was said and I was trying to kick away a zombie raccoon at the time inconspicuously so I wasn’t really paying that close of attention anyways. Then you realize that they have finally stopped talking about their lunar land rover adventure in money town. So you quickly add hoping with all your might that this will end.
“That’s great well it was great to see you.” Even though you both know that this is a lie and will have to be repeated in 5 to 10 years.
“Ya, nice to see you too.”
So I vote that we institute a Statute of Friendly Limitations in which you may break social contracts and outright ignore people for which you know casually, as long as two years has passed since your acquaintance started. For instance if you ran into someone from high school that you had one class with and you talked occasionally, after two years you would no longer be obligated to recognize the said relationship.
If you dated someone in high school then the contract changes so that two years since the relationship ended plus double the time you spent together. So if you dated for a year in high school you would have to wait 4 years to ignore them. Adding of course one year if ‘I love you’ was said on both sides, and one year for each base you rounded together. So if I dated a girl for a year in high school told her I loved her with reciprocation and got to second base I would have to wait 7 years to completely ignore them. With a contractual clause of course for first kiss, or home base which moves it from a misdemeanor relationship to a felony relationship for which the Statute of Friendly Limitations does not apply. All rights are waved if you attended a high school reunion and may God have mercy on your soul if you choose to do so. This is just a rough draft of the Statute of Friendly Limitations so if you have suggestions or revisions please let me know so that we can hammer this thing out and get it in circulation just as soon as possible.
Random person you know you should know but are struggling with all your might to remember their name: “Hey man how’s it going?”
“Good,” awkward pause “How you doing?” often followed by the shuffling of feet or looking back apologetically to the people you came with but now are ignoring.
“I’m good, what you been up to?” The question hangs in the air like ever thickening pea soup as you try and figure out how to sum up the past 10 years of rising and falling action in as few words as possible without leaving room for follow up questions.
“Good,” you finally answer desperately choking back the answer you want to give which is always ‘why are we talking, and why do you care?’ “I’m good, just work and stuff you know.” The answer hangs there like a dead raccoon that has been reanimated back to life and only seems interested in humping your leg. You shuffle again uncomfortably trying to take it back, kicking unconsciously at the figment raccoon knowing that you have in fact left an opening for a questions and hoping that it goes unnoticed.
“Oh,” They answer seeing the opening “where you working these days?”
You sigh inwardly and look back at your friends once more but they are also bound by the contract not to interrupt unless invited to do so, and at the same time knowing that any move towards them will inevitably make this take much, much longer than it needs to. “I am an IT Manager at a small company,” You get to excited feeling that this horror will be ending soon and before you realize what you have done you ask, “How about you?”
“I am blah, blah at the blah, blah-oligist, and it is so rewarding blah, blah, blah, Marriage, blah, blah, me, me, me, Children, blah, blah, …” Sorry my brain has shut down at this point to protect me from the insufferable boredom and I can’t honestly tell you what was said and I was trying to kick away a zombie raccoon at the time inconspicuously so I wasn’t really paying that close of attention anyways. Then you realize that they have finally stopped talking about their lunar land rover adventure in money town. So you quickly add hoping with all your might that this will end.
“That’s great well it was great to see you.” Even though you both know that this is a lie and will have to be repeated in 5 to 10 years.
“Ya, nice to see you too.”
So I vote that we institute a Statute of Friendly Limitations in which you may break social contracts and outright ignore people for which you know casually, as long as two years has passed since your acquaintance started. For instance if you ran into someone from high school that you had one class with and you talked occasionally, after two years you would no longer be obligated to recognize the said relationship.
If you dated someone in high school then the contract changes so that two years since the relationship ended plus double the time you spent together. So if you dated for a year in high school you would have to wait 4 years to ignore them. Adding of course one year if ‘I love you’ was said on both sides, and one year for each base you rounded together. So if I dated a girl for a year in high school told her I loved her with reciprocation and got to second base I would have to wait 7 years to completely ignore them. With a contractual clause of course for first kiss, or home base which moves it from a misdemeanor relationship to a felony relationship for which the Statute of Friendly Limitations does not apply. All rights are waved if you attended a high school reunion and may God have mercy on your soul if you choose to do so. This is just a rough draft of the Statute of Friendly Limitations so if you have suggestions or revisions please let me know so that we can hammer this thing out and get it in circulation just as soon as possible.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Return
So after 4 months of testing countless hours in waiting rooms and having to pretend to be nice to nurses so they don't hurt me anymore I have returned. Sure they still have no idea what's wrong with me but people have been asking "whats wrong with you!" for as long as I can remember. At least now I can assure them that there is no diagnosable medical reason. That being said let us begin.
I thought I would ease back into it with some random thoughts.
When carving a pumpkin use a knife rather than 5 M-80 explosives and a drill. I find that while the carving takes longer with the knife, the clean up does not involve me standing on the table mopping the ceiling.
A good costume is a ghost or a vampire a bad costume is dressing up as the chief of polices recently dead wife. The good news is I have a great prison jumpsuit costume now. On a side note I can't make your Halloween party I was detained.
Even though Halloween is close it is almost never a good idea to comment on the costume of the nurse who will be drawing your blood. So I said you looked good as a slutty nurse the 15 pricks to find the vein was mostly uncalled for.
If you ever have the chance to look deep into a girls eyes and tell her how you really feel deep down inside avoid the phrase "pancake butt" at all cost.
It is almost never ok to send me pictures of cute puppies and kitties that you thought would brighten my day. Until this trend stops I will be replying with a drawing of what I think you look like naked. I had to edit it for younger viewers.
I thought I would ease back into it with some random thoughts.
When carving a pumpkin use a knife rather than 5 M-80 explosives and a drill. I find that while the carving takes longer with the knife, the clean up does not involve me standing on the table mopping the ceiling.
A good costume is a ghost or a vampire a bad costume is dressing up as the chief of polices recently dead wife. The good news is I have a great prison jumpsuit costume now. On a side note I can't make your Halloween party I was detained.
Even though Halloween is close it is almost never a good idea to comment on the costume of the nurse who will be drawing your blood. So I said you looked good as a slutty nurse the 15 pricks to find the vein was mostly uncalled for.
If you ever have the chance to look deep into a girls eyes and tell her how you really feel deep down inside avoid the phrase "pancake butt" at all cost.
It is almost never ok to send me pictures of cute puppies and kitties that you thought would brighten my day. Until this trend stops I will be replying with a drawing of what I think you look like naked. I had to edit it for younger viewers.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Six Degrees of desperation
Six degrees of separation (also referred to as the "Human Web") refers to the idea that, if a person is one step away from each person they know and two steps away from each person who is known by one of the people they know, then everyone is at most six steps away from any other person on Earth. It was popularized by a play written by John Guare.
On the other hand Six degrees of Desperation (also referred to as my "dating pool") refers to the idea that, If I make a big enough idiot of myself that people tell and retell the story of my idiocy. That if each person tells just one other person they know that eventually every girl on the planet will know me as "that guy." This theory has been percolating in the back of my mind since the days of Lorena Bobbit. She did one incredibly idiotic thing and now her dating pool is 0 based on the same series of events.
So basically it comes down to this; on a small scale I tested it out by telling just one girl in the office I work at something stupid I did. By the end of the day every girl in the entire office had that "I know what you did" look as I passed by. Bringing this to a big scale I and the amount of time I spend doing stupid things that people talk about I am guessing that in 6 months time I will be un-datable.
(What stupid thing did I do that I told a coworker about? I'm sure if you read half of my past blogs you will figure it out eventually.)
On the other hand Six degrees of Desperation (also referred to as my "dating pool") refers to the idea that, If I make a big enough idiot of myself that people tell and retell the story of my idiocy. That if each person tells just one other person they know that eventually every girl on the planet will know me as "that guy." This theory has been percolating in the back of my mind since the days of Lorena Bobbit. She did one incredibly idiotic thing and now her dating pool is 0 based on the same series of events.
So basically it comes down to this; on a small scale I tested it out by telling just one girl in the office I work at something stupid I did. By the end of the day every girl in the entire office had that "I know what you did" look as I passed by. Bringing this to a big scale I and the amount of time I spend doing stupid things that people talk about I am guessing that in 6 months time I will be un-datable.
(What stupid thing did I do that I told a coworker about? I'm sure if you read half of my past blogs you will figure it out eventually.)
Monday, September 28, 2009
It's probably the fuel filter
Sometimes I enjoy trolling yahoo answers to give back to the community I am hoping for best answer on this one.
Original poster:
My boyfriend is cheating on me what do I do?
Last night I left my boyfriends house I got a few miles down the street and my car stalled and broke down because I live pretty far away I just decided to walk back to his house. It took me about 40 minutes and when I got there I could see through the window he was kissing some other girl. I was crushed we have been dating for over 6 months and she didn't look familiar at all. I stood there for a while in disbelief but I didn’t know what to do so I just left. What do I do I really like this guy and I don’t want to loose him but I am just so confused right now?
Syden Insomniac:
If the car stalls all the time, the general reason is that there is probably either a fuel or an ignition problem causing the engine to cut out. Of course, there could be any number of things wrong with your car if it stalls during normal driving (i.e., not when starting from stationary). I recommend a tune-up also it would be a good idea to check your spark plugs, and charging system, and when was the last time you changed your fuel filter?
Original poster:
My boyfriend is cheating on me what do I do?
Last night I left my boyfriends house I got a few miles down the street and my car stalled and broke down because I live pretty far away I just decided to walk back to his house. It took me about 40 minutes and when I got there I could see through the window he was kissing some other girl. I was crushed we have been dating for over 6 months and she didn't look familiar at all. I stood there for a while in disbelief but I didn’t know what to do so I just left. What do I do I really like this guy and I don’t want to loose him but I am just so confused right now?
Syden Insomniac:
If the car stalls all the time, the general reason is that there is probably either a fuel or an ignition problem causing the engine to cut out. Of course, there could be any number of things wrong with your car if it stalls during normal driving (i.e., not when starting from stationary). I recommend a tune-up also it would be a good idea to check your spark plugs, and charging system, and when was the last time you changed your fuel filter?
Friday, September 25, 2009
T.V. Land
Sorry loyal readers I have been ill and when you are trying not to die it’s hard to find time to keep up with the blog or even feel funny enough to write. But that being said lets catch up on what’s been going on in the most important place, T.V. Land.
In the news; crazy people have been yelling at crazy people for being crazy. I am of course referring to the Democrats and Republicans. New plan everyone that enters a debate about healthcare has to take a Velum or a Prozac (their choice) then wait 30 minutes before the discussion can start.
New T.V. shows started so it should be easier to get through the day let me help you navigate through the crap.
The only news worth watching anymore is the Daily Show with John Stewart because he shows what both sides are doing in the race for coveted title “nuttier than squirrel poop.”
A new show about vampires who live for hundreds of years only to have relationships with high school girls hits the scene with the Vampire Diaries. It’s kind of like watching One Tree Hill and every now and then someone gets eaten, I know it sounds cool but they somehow made even that unbearable to watch. Mostly because they don’t kill the super annoying main characters like you want them to.
Supernatural bursts back on the scene in all its glory with only one problem. In previous seasons when they are fighting demons and werewolves and ghosts and goolies it made for some good clean violent fun. But now they are fighting Satan and looking for God it could be cool but I think it took a wrong turn on uncomfortable street and just blew the stop sign at don’t go there lane. I have tentative high hopes.
Glee is a show about people you didn’t want to hang out with in high school and still don’t want to respond to their facebook invite. Seriously they are not zany nerds that you grow to love that have good hearts, they are the truly crazy super annoying types that somehow find a teacher as socially inept as they are. Watch at your own risk.
Cougar town is a show about old people desperately trying not to die out to younger hotter less talented actresses.
In the news; crazy people have been yelling at crazy people for being crazy. I am of course referring to the Democrats and Republicans. New plan everyone that enters a debate about healthcare has to take a Velum or a Prozac (their choice) then wait 30 minutes before the discussion can start.
New T.V. shows started so it should be easier to get through the day let me help you navigate through the crap.
The only news worth watching anymore is the Daily Show with John Stewart because he shows what both sides are doing in the race for coveted title “nuttier than squirrel poop.”
A new show about vampires who live for hundreds of years only to have relationships with high school girls hits the scene with the Vampire Diaries. It’s kind of like watching One Tree Hill and every now and then someone gets eaten, I know it sounds cool but they somehow made even that unbearable to watch. Mostly because they don’t kill the super annoying main characters like you want them to.
Supernatural bursts back on the scene in all its glory with only one problem. In previous seasons when they are fighting demons and werewolves and ghosts and goolies it made for some good clean violent fun. But now they are fighting Satan and looking for God it could be cool but I think it took a wrong turn on uncomfortable street and just blew the stop sign at don’t go there lane. I have tentative high hopes.
Glee is a show about people you didn’t want to hang out with in high school and still don’t want to respond to their facebook invite. Seriously they are not zany nerds that you grow to love that have good hearts, they are the truly crazy super annoying types that somehow find a teacher as socially inept as they are. Watch at your own risk.
Cougar town is a show about old people desperately trying not to die out to younger hotter less talented actresses.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Dr. Cox and Syden
Syden has a trip to the hospital today and asked me to guest blog. I hope he gets a doctor like Dr. Cox. I think they would mesh.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Questions for An Insomniac
If you have questions for an insomniac like me or want to know if you might be an insomniac yourself simply leave a comment in the form of a question and I would be happy to answer.
Sample Question:
Syden how is it that you only get 2-3 hours of sleep a night and are still so cool?
Sample Answer:
How is it that you get 8-9 hours of sleep a night and are still so lame? The answer is simple I was born to be awesome and you my friend had a chance at awesomnitude and slept past it with your snooze button in hand.
I am an open book so go ahead and ask. (Mothers need not apply, all sales are final, answers may and almost always will smack of smart ass-ery, Canadians need not apply)
Tjames asks: Is your employer hiring? Because I want to work there....
No Tjames we are not hiring and frankly it boggles my mind how I have gotten away with what I have over the years, probably because I have all of their passwords.
Augusto asks:
In your own words, what is your opinion of the best use of the hours between 2:35 and 5:12? I find myself perplexed. The television is generally useless at that time and I'm typically too exhausted to enjoy porn at such sleepless hours.
Who's words would I answer in if not my own I guess I could go and look for a Wikipedia entry for 2:35-5:12 and copy it but so far my search has had very poor results. Let's see between 2:35 and 5 first of course you try and sleep that kills about an hour or two tossing and turning. Then I do the mandatory 3am sock puppet show because I haven't slept in 3 weeks and I find this the funniest thing in the entire world. (Side note my former roommate did not find this the funniest thing in the entire world he is still not speaking to me.) If I get incredibly bored I torment my neighbors cat with a laser pointer and try and get him to run into things while crouched in the bushes. 4 Am is prime time to work on your zombie Apocalypse plan and possibly even run some test get to the fortified bunker. By 5 all hope for sleep is completely out the window and you don't look a psycho for going out and getting some errands done if needs be. I like to wander around walmart at this time when guys with mullets and that one bag lady who smells like molten death are safely asleep. FYI the longer you watch infomercials the more they make perfect sense so try and stay away or invent fun games like you have to drink whenever shamwow guy says something that has absolutely nothing to do with his product like random inference to girls in bikinis (trust me it happens a lot.) Hope that helps Augusto.
Justin said...
If I can't sleep, well then I just don't - it doesn't matter. Stay up, blog, do whatever. Just because the rest of the world is sleeping doesn't mean you have to.
Well laddi freakin da Justin! For some of us it's not that it's a choice to stay up it's a curse and all we want to do is sleep but for some sick reason God decided it would be funny to make this an impossibility! I'm not talking about when you had one or two bad nights of sleep and decided to deem yourself an insomniac. I am talking about 15 agonizing years of listening to people complain about how tired they are on Monday morning because they stayed up to late and you have been going on about 45 minutes to 2 hours of sleep a night for the past 3 months! Wow I'm sorry Justin I have no idea where that came from... Ya good advice man keep it coming.
Sample Question:
Syden how is it that you only get 2-3 hours of sleep a night and are still so cool?
Sample Answer:
How is it that you get 8-9 hours of sleep a night and are still so lame? The answer is simple I was born to be awesome and you my friend had a chance at awesomnitude and slept past it with your snooze button in hand.
I am an open book so go ahead and ask. (Mothers need not apply, all sales are final, answers may and almost always will smack of smart ass-ery, Canadians need not apply)
Tjames asks: Is your employer hiring? Because I want to work there....
No Tjames we are not hiring and frankly it boggles my mind how I have gotten away with what I have over the years, probably because I have all of their passwords.
Augusto asks:
In your own words, what is your opinion of the best use of the hours between 2:35 and 5:12? I find myself perplexed. The television is generally useless at that time and I'm typically too exhausted to enjoy porn at such sleepless hours.
Who's words would I answer in if not my own I guess I could go and look for a Wikipedia entry for 2:35-5:12 and copy it but so far my search has had very poor results. Let's see between 2:35 and 5 first of course you try and sleep that kills about an hour or two tossing and turning. Then I do the mandatory 3am sock puppet show because I haven't slept in 3 weeks and I find this the funniest thing in the entire world. (Side note my former roommate did not find this the funniest thing in the entire world he is still not speaking to me.) If I get incredibly bored I torment my neighbors cat with a laser pointer and try and get him to run into things while crouched in the bushes. 4 Am is prime time to work on your zombie Apocalypse plan and possibly even run some test get to the fortified bunker. By 5 all hope for sleep is completely out the window and you don't look a psycho for going out and getting some errands done if needs be. I like to wander around walmart at this time when guys with mullets and that one bag lady who smells like molten death are safely asleep. FYI the longer you watch infomercials the more they make perfect sense so try and stay away or invent fun games like you have to drink whenever shamwow guy says something that has absolutely nothing to do with his product like random inference to girls in bikinis (trust me it happens a lot.) Hope that helps Augusto.
Justin said...
If I can't sleep, well then I just don't - it doesn't matter. Stay up, blog, do whatever. Just because the rest of the world is sleeping doesn't mean you have to.
Well laddi freakin da Justin! For some of us it's not that it's a choice to stay up it's a curse and all we want to do is sleep but for some sick reason God decided it would be funny to make this an impossibility! I'm not talking about when you had one or two bad nights of sleep and decided to deem yourself an insomniac. I am talking about 15 agonizing years of listening to people complain about how tired they are on Monday morning because they stayed up to late and you have been going on about 45 minutes to 2 hours of sleep a night for the past 3 months! Wow I'm sorry Justin I have no idea where that came from... Ya good advice man keep it coming.
If I were a vampire
If I were a vampire I think I would join PETA because I bet those people that don’t eat meat would be pretty tasty. Also they would never see it coming, and probably if I got caught they would think I was just misunderstood or something. Also most of their campaigning seems to be in the nude for some reason which makes for easy access.
If I were a Vampire I would get upset because I really like garlic chicken pizza.
If I were a Vampire and had till the end of time to do things I bet I would get really, really good at spider solitaire.
I think a vampire with rabies would be extra dangerous because even if you survive now you’ve got rabies… oh and the craving for blood.
I don’t think that Vampires really have to be invited in places I think they are just very polite.
If I were a Vampire I would get girls to go out with me when I stalked them instead of restraining orders.
If I were a Vampire I would have beautiful girl hair. Have you ever seen a Vampire without beautiful girl hair? I think not.
I wonder if Vampires have to play Russian roulette with a crossbow. That's a game you don't want to be picked to go first at.
If I were a Vampire I would probably have to move to Pennsylvania because I don't have a passport and it's the only other vania I know of.
If I were a Vampire I would get upset because I really like garlic chicken pizza.
If I were a Vampire and had till the end of time to do things I bet I would get really, really good at spider solitaire.
I think a vampire with rabies would be extra dangerous because even if you survive now you’ve got rabies… oh and the craving for blood.
I don’t think that Vampires really have to be invited in places I think they are just very polite.
If I were a Vampire I would get girls to go out with me when I stalked them instead of restraining orders.
If I were a Vampire I would have beautiful girl hair. Have you ever seen a Vampire without beautiful girl hair? I think not.
I wonder if Vampires have to play Russian roulette with a crossbow. That's a game you don't want to be picked to go first at.
If I were a Vampire I would probably have to move to Pennsylvania because I don't have a passport and it's the only other vania I know of.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The best way to break up with a girl
Write a love letter to her with all of your feelings on it, explain why things need to end and how you are different people now and how it would be best if you parted ways. Wrap this letter around a brick and throw it through her window.
Pay a man in a fireman’s uniform to tell her you burned to death… then move.
Tell her you are a vampire and that she is tempting you to drink human blood again and that you must continue your eternal journey alone.
Two words witness protection.
The next time she asks you what you are thinking tell her, and don't hold back.
Nothing says it's over like a cake with the words "dump city" written in icing.
Steal her diary and in it write "today I got dumped but he is still really cool also I have mild amnesia."
Pay a man in a fireman’s uniform to tell her you burned to death… then move.
Tell her you are a vampire and that she is tempting you to drink human blood again and that you must continue your eternal journey alone.
Two words witness protection.
The next time she asks you what you are thinking tell her, and don't hold back.
Nothing says it's over like a cake with the words "dump city" written in icing.
Steal her diary and in it write "today I got dumped but he is still really cool also I have mild amnesia."
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
How to fix your computer
As an IT manager people often wonder how I know so much about computers. I have decided to share with all of you how I got and have kept my job for so long with this handy cheat sheet. (Clicking the image will make it larger)
This is how to decide what gaming system to buy
And for those of you who own a Mac here is a chart for you so you don't feel left out
This is how to decide what gaming system to buy
And for those of you who own a Mac here is a chart for you so you don't feel left out
Friday, September 11, 2009
The thoughts that kept me up last night.
The most profound silence I have experienced so far is after letting one rip on the elevator with my boss, his wife, and a new client. It made my eyes water
If boredom was an international sport it probably wouldn't be very exciting to watch on t.v.
If I were an evil overlord and set a bomb to go off I would make it stop at 10 seconds so that the heroes would think they stopped it somehow and would laugh and exclaim how much they loved each other, then the real bomb would go off.
Why on all of the star trek shows when they get boarded by evil aliens did they not just beam those aliens into space? Maybe it looks better on a resume to say repelled alien invaders with phaser, instead of used brain. No body likes a smarty pants.
People often ask me how I have lived with insomnia for so long. I usually just tell them it's because bullets are pretty expensive these days.
I get the impression that the trail to Oregon was just littered with bodies that exploded from dysentery.
I was going to go buy some kind of motivational book today but then I would have to go all the way to the store and finish this senten....
If boredom was an international sport it probably wouldn't be very exciting to watch on t.v.
If I were an evil overlord and set a bomb to go off I would make it stop at 10 seconds so that the heroes would think they stopped it somehow and would laugh and exclaim how much they loved each other, then the real bomb would go off.
Why on all of the star trek shows when they get boarded by evil aliens did they not just beam those aliens into space? Maybe it looks better on a resume to say repelled alien invaders with phaser, instead of used brain. No body likes a smarty pants.
People often ask me how I have lived with insomnia for so long. I usually just tell them it's because bullets are pretty expensive these days.
I get the impression that the trail to Oregon was just littered with bodies that exploded from dysentery.
I was going to go buy some kind of motivational book today but then I would have to go all the way to the store and finish this senten....
Thursday, September 10, 2009
How to look skinnier without pesky diet and exercise.
Many people have asked me; Syden how do you look so great while eating that entire German chocolate cake? The answer is quite simple; I am simply sabotaging everyone around me. Like that girl in my office who eats nothing but rice cakes and low fat yogurt I come in early and soak those rice cakes in butter, lard, and sugar solution for about an hour then set to dry. She thinks they are delicious and she gained 28 pounds Walla! I look better already by comparison. Here are some simple tricks to never dieting and looking great in the crowd you’re in.
1. Black: Black is your friend it hides the rolls just make sure to be careful not to get to much cheeto dust on them. (For more about cheeto dust see how to survive a bank heist)
2. Ugly people: Choose ugly people to be seen with or at least incredibly uninteresting people this will make you look at feel great.
3. Eat yourself sick: You know how people are always talking about eating themselves sick. Actually do it. If you eat so much you actually throw up then technically you are not bulimic and you don’t half to worry about all those calories you just wrapped in bacon.
4. Undercutting: There are some people in this world that no matter how much they eat they always look great. Spread vicious untrue rumors about them around the office, or if you don’t have time in a public place while meeting new people. Quietly pull the new group aside and explain that your “friend” is retarded and has special needs. This will make you look like a caring friend and completely undermine anything that perfect jerk tries to say.
5. Project confidence while instilling discord: If you look confident while all around you people are upset and on the verge of a mental break down you look great. Also while others are in this frame of mind they tend to overeat and hate the world, which gives you a lunch partner.
Good luck and remember you are only as fat as your skinniest friend that is not retarded.
1. Black: Black is your friend it hides the rolls just make sure to be careful not to get to much cheeto dust on them. (For more about cheeto dust see how to survive a bank heist)
2. Ugly people: Choose ugly people to be seen with or at least incredibly uninteresting people this will make you look at feel great.
3. Eat yourself sick: You know how people are always talking about eating themselves sick. Actually do it. If you eat so much you actually throw up then technically you are not bulimic and you don’t half to worry about all those calories you just wrapped in bacon.
4. Undercutting: There are some people in this world that no matter how much they eat they always look great. Spread vicious untrue rumors about them around the office, or if you don’t have time in a public place while meeting new people. Quietly pull the new group aside and explain that your “friend” is retarded and has special needs. This will make you look like a caring friend and completely undermine anything that perfect jerk tries to say.
5. Project confidence while instilling discord: If you look confident while all around you people are upset and on the verge of a mental break down you look great. Also while others are in this frame of mind they tend to overeat and hate the world, which gives you a lunch partner.
Good luck and remember you are only as fat as your skinniest friend that is not retarded.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Mind pics
I have scoured the web to find pictures that mess with the mind, huh actually they just kind of found me. Well anyways enjoy, you will need to click on them to see them full size. Answers at the bottom if you can't figure it out.
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1.The girl at the top has an upside down face features look at her more closely.
2.Top of the stairs
3.Middle upper left face in the tree branches looks like a black hobo
4.He is in the wall!!!!
5.Simple optical illusion when you look at any of the circles they stop spinning.
6.They are not sitting on anything.
7.Above his head and to the right blurred face in the trees.
8.Left bottom on the half wall scary girl like something.
9.Description says it all nothing to see here OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE!
10.Left and right of center they are guys with cones on their heads not missiles.
11.Below the red dot in the hole.
12.Just a gym with balloons, wait what the hell is THAT! Center left
13.Look at it from a distance, no seriously scoot back from your computer.
14.T-Rex in the clouds.
15.Face on the ear.
16.Entire right hand side is a face; after you see it you can’t not see it.
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1.The girl at the top has an upside down face features look at her more closely.
2.Top of the stairs
3.Middle upper left face in the tree branches looks like a black hobo
4.He is in the wall!!!!
5.Simple optical illusion when you look at any of the circles they stop spinning.
6.They are not sitting on anything.
7.Above his head and to the right blurred face in the trees.
8.Left bottom on the half wall scary girl like something.
9.Description says it all nothing to see here OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE!
10.Left and right of center they are guys with cones on their heads not missiles.
11.Below the red dot in the hole.
12.Just a gym with balloons, wait what the hell is THAT! Center left
13.Look at it from a distance, no seriously scoot back from your computer.
14.T-Rex in the clouds.
15.Face on the ear.
16.Entire right hand side is a face; after you see it you can’t not see it.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Staying positive
I have been told my entire life that a positive attitude can change everything here are some tips on staying positive.
1. Practice smiling: I enjoy doing this when I get caught at a red light. Look at the guy next to you and practice your creepiest smile. You'd be surprised how much someone else's uncomfortableness can make you feel better.
2. Use positive language: Say things like "I'm positive that today is going to suck", and "you are positively the most horrifying individual I have ever met" that last one is best said to a stranger and not your boss.
3. Share the joy: Tell others how much better you are doing than they are, this will help cement the feeling that you are doing great.
4. Never say yes again: Instead of saying yes to things say, "I'm positive!" this is a great way to let others know that you are positive. Would you like fries with that? I'm Positive!
5. Times of doubt: When you are in times of doubt and despair and are having trouble staying positive do little things to remind yourself that you can stay positive forever. Pick up a sick prostitute from the bad side of town wait two days then go to the doctor. You my friends can have a trained medical professional then tell you that you are positive!
Just remember folks it's all about the attitude.
1. Practice smiling: I enjoy doing this when I get caught at a red light. Look at the guy next to you and practice your creepiest smile. You'd be surprised how much someone else's uncomfortableness can make you feel better.
2. Use positive language: Say things like "I'm positive that today is going to suck", and "you are positively the most horrifying individual I have ever met" that last one is best said to a stranger and not your boss.
3. Share the joy: Tell others how much better you are doing than they are, this will help cement the feeling that you are doing great.
4. Never say yes again: Instead of saying yes to things say, "I'm positive!" this is a great way to let others know that you are positive. Would you like fries with that? I'm Positive!
5. Times of doubt: When you are in times of doubt and despair and are having trouble staying positive do little things to remind yourself that you can stay positive forever. Pick up a sick prostitute from the bad side of town wait two days then go to the doctor. You my friends can have a trained medical professional then tell you that you are positive!
Just remember folks it's all about the attitude.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Syden's Random Thoughts
Once it again it is time for another installment of Syden's random thoughts
Clowns are supposed to be funny but end up being scary. So you can see how when I painted your cat it was supposed to be amusing, not kill it.
I think you'll find that your razor is really dull and you need to shave for a super important meeting the cheese grater makes a poor substitute.
It is possible to fit a pool ball into an average sized mouth, it is not possible to take it out again without extreme effort because the jaw locks. Also it is hard to call for help when you swoundsw wike wlithhhh *followed by gentle muffled weeping*
I think if I was narcissistic that I would be the best narcissist ever I mean I would be so awesome.
I think that if I tree falls in the woods that it does make a sound, especially if it falls on a beaver.
If I could go back in time and warn myself about one thing it would be that most horrible of days I had. But I wouldn't use the argument I used last time because I didn't listen to me.
I think that if I owned a tamed raptor from the dinosaur era that knew all kinds of tricks like don't eat the neighbors, it would probably be a bad idea to feed it heavy narcotics... I'm just saying.
Clowns are supposed to be funny but end up being scary. So you can see how when I painted your cat it was supposed to be amusing, not kill it.
I think you'll find that your razor is really dull and you need to shave for a super important meeting the cheese grater makes a poor substitute.
It is possible to fit a pool ball into an average sized mouth, it is not possible to take it out again without extreme effort because the jaw locks. Also it is hard to call for help when you swoundsw wike wlithhhh *followed by gentle muffled weeping*
I think if I was narcissistic that I would be the best narcissist ever I mean I would be so awesome.
I think that if I tree falls in the woods that it does make a sound, especially if it falls on a beaver.
If I could go back in time and warn myself about one thing it would be that most horrible of days I had. But I wouldn't use the argument I used last time because I didn't listen to me.
I think that if I owned a tamed raptor from the dinosaur era that knew all kinds of tricks like don't eat the neighbors, it would probably be a bad idea to feed it heavy narcotics... I'm just saying.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
How to survive a bank heist
If you ever find yourself in a bank that is being held up by criminals (possibly in Halloween masks of dead presidents) these are some simple tricks to help you through the ordeal.
1. Remain calm, but not too calm: They always say in crisis situations that you have to keep your wits about you. But if the robber is flailing a gun around then maybe he is going for a certain atmosphere or theme for his bank robbery. If you don't look scared he might just kill you because you are just ruining the mood he is trying to set. I recommend screaming like a little girl and weeping uncontrollably for about 20 seconds then collapsing to the floor in a heap. This will generally make the robber happy that you are contributing to the general feel of his robbery.
2. Be friendly, but not too friendly: If there happens to be a doughnut shop near by the police might just respond fast enough to turn your pleasant bank heist into a long drawn out ordeal. So if the bank robbers are going to be there for a while try and be friendly. Smile on occasion then look away, just like when looking that girl in junior high (but without the awkward panic attack.) If they strike up conversation with you keep it innocuous, talk about movies that where cool or how surfing is awesome. But there is a line, you don't want to become too friendly or when hostage time comes guess who they are going to take? Then your whole night is shot and you will have to try and get through the next day without anyone telling you what happened on Lost and you know that Nancy from accounting has a big mouth.
3. Look for opportunities: If the chance to do something arrives and you save the day you might just get enough fame to finally ask out that hot bank teller. And if it all goes horribly horribly wrong at least there might be a hot nurse in the hospital who will pity you. You can ask my last two girlfriends pity can be a powerful motivator especially when accompanied by a gun shot wound. Try and lull the robber into a false sense of security, at this point he has already seen you cry like a little girl and you have probably talked about how cool the new Star Trek movie was. He will start to trust you or pity you, and again pity is awesome. Tell him how cool his gun is for a while then and ask if you can see it. If this actually works point the gun at him and take control. But don't shoot him! That hot nurse can just as easily fall for a surly robber who was just down on his luck.
4. Cheeto fingers: Many times robbers go unconvicted because they are all wearing ski masks and they can't tell which convict did which crime. Help out your local police department by trying to touch one of the robbers with your cheeto encrusted fingers. I find that during the initial plea for my life while I am crying like a 6 year old school girl grabbing a pant leg and crying about my fake children that will go fatherless wont get you killed. Pistol whipped yes, killed no. Now many of you ask why do you have cheeto encrusted fingers in the first place? Be smart people it is a great way to identify things. If you had the remote first you have proof, if you want that jelly doughnut a single yellow orange finger print can claim it, and when it's time for the line up at the police station you just have to look for your mark to point out the would be robber. Cheetos are relatively inexpensive and a great time saver for claiming territory. (Note If you can't get your hands on cheetos I find that the powdered cheese in the Mac and Cheese box works as a substitute, if you lick your fingers before opening the pouch.)
5. Be prepared: By now you have learned how to stay alive, identify the criminal, possibly get a date, all while not missing your favorite t.v. show. But constant vigilance is the key to surviving a bank heist and that means being prepared. Try not to leave the house without cheeto fingers. Practice crying in front of the mirror so you can do it on queue (if you are having trouble with this one just remember how alone you are... so very alone, it works like a charm.) Make sure and stay up to date on pop culture and movies so you can talk to your assailant with ease. And remember if you plan on using a pen as a make shift weapon to stab the robber in the neck to save the day, that they are chained to the counter so first you have to get him to stand really close and possibly lay his head on the desk. Good luck out there.
1. Remain calm, but not too calm: They always say in crisis situations that you have to keep your wits about you. But if the robber is flailing a gun around then maybe he is going for a certain atmosphere or theme for his bank robbery. If you don't look scared he might just kill you because you are just ruining the mood he is trying to set. I recommend screaming like a little girl and weeping uncontrollably for about 20 seconds then collapsing to the floor in a heap. This will generally make the robber happy that you are contributing to the general feel of his robbery.
2. Be friendly, but not too friendly: If there happens to be a doughnut shop near by the police might just respond fast enough to turn your pleasant bank heist into a long drawn out ordeal. So if the bank robbers are going to be there for a while try and be friendly. Smile on occasion then look away, just like when looking that girl in junior high (but without the awkward panic attack.) If they strike up conversation with you keep it innocuous, talk about movies that where cool or how surfing is awesome. But there is a line, you don't want to become too friendly or when hostage time comes guess who they are going to take? Then your whole night is shot and you will have to try and get through the next day without anyone telling you what happened on Lost and you know that Nancy from accounting has a big mouth.
3. Look for opportunities: If the chance to do something arrives and you save the day you might just get enough fame to finally ask out that hot bank teller. And if it all goes horribly horribly wrong at least there might be a hot nurse in the hospital who will pity you. You can ask my last two girlfriends pity can be a powerful motivator especially when accompanied by a gun shot wound. Try and lull the robber into a false sense of security, at this point he has already seen you cry like a little girl and you have probably talked about how cool the new Star Trek movie was. He will start to trust you or pity you, and again pity is awesome. Tell him how cool his gun is for a while then and ask if you can see it. If this actually works point the gun at him and take control. But don't shoot him! That hot nurse can just as easily fall for a surly robber who was just down on his luck.
4. Cheeto fingers: Many times robbers go unconvicted because they are all wearing ski masks and they can't tell which convict did which crime. Help out your local police department by trying to touch one of the robbers with your cheeto encrusted fingers. I find that during the initial plea for my life while I am crying like a 6 year old school girl grabbing a pant leg and crying about my fake children that will go fatherless wont get you killed. Pistol whipped yes, killed no. Now many of you ask why do you have cheeto encrusted fingers in the first place? Be smart people it is a great way to identify things. If you had the remote first you have proof, if you want that jelly doughnut a single yellow orange finger print can claim it, and when it's time for the line up at the police station you just have to look for your mark to point out the would be robber. Cheetos are relatively inexpensive and a great time saver for claiming territory. (Note If you can't get your hands on cheetos I find that the powdered cheese in the Mac and Cheese box works as a substitute, if you lick your fingers before opening the pouch.)
5. Be prepared: By now you have learned how to stay alive, identify the criminal, possibly get a date, all while not missing your favorite t.v. show. But constant vigilance is the key to surviving a bank heist and that means being prepared. Try not to leave the house without cheeto fingers. Practice crying in front of the mirror so you can do it on queue (if you are having trouble with this one just remember how alone you are... so very alone, it works like a charm.) Make sure and stay up to date on pop culture and movies so you can talk to your assailant with ease. And remember if you plan on using a pen as a make shift weapon to stab the robber in the neck to save the day, that they are chained to the counter so first you have to get him to stand really close and possibly lay his head on the desk. Good luck out there.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Show reviews part II
Family Guy: Mentally retarded father of three submits family to emotional and physical abuse to hide his rampant alcoholism.
How I met your Mother: 5 socially stunted friends spend all their free time in a bar.
General Hospital: A show not generally about a hospital.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader?: Probably not if you are watching this show
Dollhouse: Director Joss Whedon's experiment to see how far he can push fans before they literally tear him limb from limb. Also hotness from Eliza Dushku.
Mental: Doctor of psychology has self as patient.
America's got talent: Ironic title pokes fun at self.
Smallville: Teenager deals with changing body and mineral allergy.
Supernatural: Brothers forced to work together to run family business.
Reaper: Man works diligently to pay back loan.
CSI: In depth look at how to get away with future crimes.
Dexter: Blood analyst looks for new samples.
How I met your Mother: 5 socially stunted friends spend all their free time in a bar.
General Hospital: A show not generally about a hospital.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader?: Probably not if you are watching this show
Dollhouse: Director Joss Whedon's experiment to see how far he can push fans before they literally tear him limb from limb. Also hotness from Eliza Dushku.
Mental: Doctor of psychology has self as patient.
America's got talent: Ironic title pokes fun at self.
Smallville: Teenager deals with changing body and mineral allergy.
Supernatural: Brothers forced to work together to run family business.
Reaper: Man works diligently to pay back loan.
CSI: In depth look at how to get away with future crimes.
Dexter: Blood analyst looks for new samples.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Why I hated School
I can’t do any kind of alphabetizing without singing that stupid song over and over again.
I often wonder why George Washington cut down a cherry tree just to prove that he wouldn’t lie about it, but at the same time it makes me think of him as an axe wielding psycho with a blood lust for sap with trophies of his exploits like his wooden teeth. (Side note: History teachers do not like it when you question them on things like this.)
Recess was my first experience with gang rivalry.
I am still upset about having to learn cursive just to sign my damn name on a check.
My Major in College was theater (I don’t know why either) I never taken a single computer class... I am an IT manager.
The closest application I have come to using art appreciation is laughing at something scrawled on a bathroom wall.
Teachers always told me there was no extra credit in real life. The careful application of a Christmas gift with a steady stream of butt kissing is exactly like extra credit.
Success is not 99% sweat 1% talent. It is in fact 20% work, 79% who your Dad’s friends are, oh and 1% talent if you actually got the job on merit.
I am still waiting to use the calculus I was told I would need later in life.
Friday, August 28, 2009
The Franken Pickle
A long time ago a struggling farmer in brokeandpoor'istan decided that his cucumbers did not have the shelf life they needed to get him through the harsh winter. Why did he grow cucumbers when there are better tastier things to grow no one knows. Anyways he used his knowledge of unholy science (graduated magnum come laudy from unholy University or Evil U) to infuse the cucumber with the essence of undeath and of course dill for flavor. And thus the pickle was formed using this dark ritual of sucking life from an object using brine, this gave the young farmer sadistic ideas. Now this farmer of fragrant death did so well tricking the locals into buying his sacrilicious forbidden fruit that he was eventually able to buy a castle and by proxy terrorizing the peasants which was the custom of the day. (Like when you live in Malibu California you are expected to talk like a moron, same thing in brokeandpoor'istan but you terrorize peasants.) The pungent fumes of distinct distilled death hung about the town like the eking ooze of an overfull sewer in spring time. No one could stand the new land owner except a large mentally challenged boy who was born without a sense of smell. He worked for the new lord in his defunct factory all the day long. But the farmer, turned lord, turned terrorizer, turned evil scientist demanded more. He hatch a cleaver scheme and employed his Knowledge to turn the large retarded boy into an untiring slave (Go Evil U home of the flying monkey mascot.) So he took the boy and threw him into the pickle vat and drained him of life, then added dill for flavor. The boy emerge a very stinky monster enraged and upset (mostly because he couldn't get that nasty taste out of his mouth.) He raged forth into the town and upon seeing their large slow child now pickled beast from beyond, they set forth and killed the lord and destroyed all that was left of his laboratory. Thus destroying the formula for pickles forever! Or so they thought but the Lord had sent the formula to his alma mater Evil U and they published it in the "were are they now" magazine. And that's why I didn't go to my 10 year high school reunion... No wait different story sorry. And that's why I don't like pickles. Because they are made from retarded children and the shattered dreams of oppressed villagers with just a hint of dill.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
The worst ideas I have had for blogs so far
When trying to come up with something amusing everyday to blog about sometimes you just run out of ideas. But on the other hand I do have scruples here are some of the topics that got thrown out.
1. Blogging: Who wants to read a blog about blogging, wait forget you read this one.
2. The joys of abstinence: I tried to convince myself that it was joyful not getting any, but then I started crying uncontrollably.
3. Popcorn: After butter and salt I started thinking about going to movies alone then the joys of abstinence and started crying again.
4. Being Nice to people: I just honestly couldn't think of anything to say so I didn't say anything at all
5. Why I hate pickles: I might do this one on a 'desperate for ideas' day in the future but I figured who the hell cares.
6. The Worst ideas I have had for blogs so far: oh um well it's a slow day
7. What it's like to get a good nights sleep: I tried for hours but had no real life comparisons so I gave up.
8. Blank page: I tried but it wouldn't let me publish it for some reason
9. 10 best blogs: Then I thought I shouldn't tell you because then you might not read mine anymore
10. The top 10 reasons women wont date me: I figure if they read any of my previous posts this just becomes redundant.
1. Blogging: Who wants to read a blog about blogging, wait forget you read this one.
2. The joys of abstinence: I tried to convince myself that it was joyful not getting any, but then I started crying uncontrollably.
3. Popcorn: After butter and salt I started thinking about going to movies alone then the joys of abstinence and started crying again.
4. Being Nice to people: I just honestly couldn't think of anything to say so I didn't say anything at all
5. Why I hate pickles: I might do this one on a 'desperate for ideas' day in the future but I figured who the hell cares.
6. The Worst ideas I have had for blogs so far: oh um well it's a slow day
7. What it's like to get a good nights sleep: I tried for hours but had no real life comparisons so I gave up.
8. Blank page: I tried but it wouldn't let me publish it for some reason
9. 10 best blogs: Then I thought I shouldn't tell you because then you might not read mine anymore
10. The top 10 reasons women wont date me: I figure if they read any of my previous posts this just becomes redundant.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
A plea to the masses stop the insanity
We live in troubled times the banks aren't secure, there is a constant threat of terrorism, job loss is at an all time high, and sometimes when I put one of those new air fresheners in my car that looks like a tree I can only smell it for like a day. And in this turbulent time we look to make it worse I am talking of course of chain letters. Let me set a few things straight.
1. Bill gates will never give you money for anything he will actually bleed you dry and swim in your blood while he makes you try and use vista before he would consider giving you money. Then he would sell your organs.
2. There is no virus that will burn a hole in your hard drive. Seriously people burn a hole in your hard drive? Is the virus made out of magnesium and ignites when you open the email? If that's the case the inventor of the virus deserves a medal or grant or something for figuring out how to bend the laws of physics and send solid matter through email.
3. Norton Anti-virus is not gearing up for a big virus. What do you think that they hear through the virus grape vine that there is a new contender in town and start a massive undertaking with special troops dressed in ninja outfits? No that's their job they are nerds sitting in a basement fixing stuff so stop thinking of them as elite commandos out for blood.
4. A funny picture will never move if you send this email to three people. What the hell is wrong with you people? Do you think that the email knows magically when you send it on then lovingly grants you your grandest desires? No, so stop sending me this crap
5. You will not have bad luck if you don't send this to seven people if anything you will have good luck for not sending it at all. If you ever get one of these send it back seven times to the person who sent it with a death threat attached if you can.
6. This is real people it was check out by snopes.com. Snopes is awesome for debunking rumors and hoaxes I uses them often. Just because an email has this on it doesn't mean a damned thing! Check your facts before you send it. I recommend actually using snopes.com. (you people make me cry inside sometimes.)
7. Political opinions, religious opinions, and cute pictures of kittens should not be sent to every person on your contacts list. Ever stop to think my opinion might be different than yours, and what you sent was actually pretty offensive? Especially those damned Kittens!!! I don't want to see them frolicking about with quotes that says "look they think they're people." And if you get a response from me and I have edited and put little Hitler mustaches on all of your kitties or taken them off of political leaders don't freak out if you want my actual opinion I will give it to you.
8. Funny haha I love funny emails but know your audience. The send to all email is not for everyone. This is how spammers get lots of new email addresses ever day just one of these intercepted emails has like 50 new names on it. You know why? You forwarded a forward of a forward of a forward. At least have the decency to clean it up a bit before you send it on.
9. When you misspell a word it shows up in red. Now I am not the king of spelling anyone reading any of my posts will know that instantly, but if it's burning red at you just look at the suggestions for spelling please. I catn taek thiss craap anymores
10. Just stop the insanity. If you want to know what's what, the internet is a great tool. But it is also full of idiots on an idiotic rampage unwittingly trying to destroy the world by a combination of shock, awe, and chain letters. Don't participate in the mayhem I am begging you.
1. Bill gates will never give you money for anything he will actually bleed you dry and swim in your blood while he makes you try and use vista before he would consider giving you money. Then he would sell your organs.
2. There is no virus that will burn a hole in your hard drive. Seriously people burn a hole in your hard drive? Is the virus made out of magnesium and ignites when you open the email? If that's the case the inventor of the virus deserves a medal or grant or something for figuring out how to bend the laws of physics and send solid matter through email.
3. Norton Anti-virus is not gearing up for a big virus. What do you think that they hear through the virus grape vine that there is a new contender in town and start a massive undertaking with special troops dressed in ninja outfits? No that's their job they are nerds sitting in a basement fixing stuff so stop thinking of them as elite commandos out for blood.
4. A funny picture will never move if you send this email to three people. What the hell is wrong with you people? Do you think that the email knows magically when you send it on then lovingly grants you your grandest desires? No, so stop sending me this crap
5. You will not have bad luck if you don't send this to seven people if anything you will have good luck for not sending it at all. If you ever get one of these send it back seven times to the person who sent it with a death threat attached if you can.
6. This is real people it was check out by snopes.com. Snopes is awesome for debunking rumors and hoaxes I uses them often. Just because an email has this on it doesn't mean a damned thing! Check your facts before you send it. I recommend actually using snopes.com. (you people make me cry inside sometimes.)
7. Political opinions, religious opinions, and cute pictures of kittens should not be sent to every person on your contacts list. Ever stop to think my opinion might be different than yours, and what you sent was actually pretty offensive? Especially those damned Kittens!!! I don't want to see them frolicking about with quotes that says "look they think they're people." And if you get a response from me and I have edited and put little Hitler mustaches on all of your kitties or taken them off of political leaders don't freak out if you want my actual opinion I will give it to you.
8. Funny haha I love funny emails but know your audience. The send to all email is not for everyone. This is how spammers get lots of new email addresses ever day just one of these intercepted emails has like 50 new names on it. You know why? You forwarded a forward of a forward of a forward. At least have the decency to clean it up a bit before you send it on.
9. When you misspell a word it shows up in red. Now I am not the king of spelling anyone reading any of my posts will know that instantly, but if it's burning red at you just look at the suggestions for spelling please. I catn taek thiss craap anymores
10. Just stop the insanity. If you want to know what's what, the internet is a great tool. But it is also full of idiots on an idiotic rampage unwittingly trying to destroy the world by a combination of shock, awe, and chain letters. Don't participate in the mayhem I am begging you.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Show reviews
I watch a lot of T.V. while not sleeping and I thought a synopsis of some of the shows I saw this season might be helpfull.
House: Strung out narcissistic Doctor repeatedly misdiagnoses patients with the help of supposedly qualified team until harassed by under dressed chief of medicine who he mocks then figures it all out.
30 Rock: The brave story of mentally handicapped actors and their attempt to make a show.
Bones: Socially retarded bone expert makes FBI agent sexually frustrated.
Prison Break: If you missed season 1 there is now no actual prison.
Terminator the Sarah Connor Chronicles: Over protective mom prepares son for possible future in army.
Lost: Gilligan's Island remake if Gilligan crash landed in a plane, the skipper was an insane balding knife enthusiast, and Marry Anne was a homicidal tease with daddy issues.
Castle: Writer uses wealth to hinder police investigations while hunting for tail.
Better off Ted: Realistic look at business today.
The office: Failing paper company makes ends meet by working less.
Dancing with the stars: B actors crave spot light sometimes hurt selves.
Heroes: Watch as we give special powers to average people only to take them away over and over and over again.
House: Strung out narcissistic Doctor repeatedly misdiagnoses patients with the help of supposedly qualified team until harassed by under dressed chief of medicine who he mocks then figures it all out.
30 Rock: The brave story of mentally handicapped actors and their attempt to make a show.
Bones: Socially retarded bone expert makes FBI agent sexually frustrated.
Prison Break: If you missed season 1 there is now no actual prison.
Terminator the Sarah Connor Chronicles: Over protective mom prepares son for possible future in army.
Lost: Gilligan's Island remake if Gilligan crash landed in a plane, the skipper was an insane balding knife enthusiast, and Marry Anne was a homicidal tease with daddy issues.
Castle: Writer uses wealth to hinder police investigations while hunting for tail.
Better off Ted: Realistic look at business today.
The office: Failing paper company makes ends meet by working less.
Dancing with the stars: B actors crave spot light sometimes hurt selves.
Heroes: Watch as we give special powers to average people only to take them away over and over and over again.
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