Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Famous Personals

If the characters in popular TV shows/movies wrote personal adds.

Biter seeks bite-y
130 year old virgin Vampire with abandonment issues seeks 15 or 16 year old girl to seduce.
Likes: Long walks on the beach (at night), Brooding about my tortured past, watching you while you sleep, and cheerleaders who like emo Goths.
Don’t like: Garlic, wooden furniture, mirrors, or fatties.

I know what’s wrong with you
50’s something Doctor with limp seeks emotionally healthy prey that I can destroy slowly and without remorse.
Likes: Drugs, hookers, piano music, and strange diseases
Dislikes: Puzzles that can’t be solved, people that can’t be broken, and obvious answers

No fate but what we make
Future leader of mankind seeks bunker buddy to hang out with during robot uprising.
Likes: Guns, Computer hacking, and road trips
Dislikes: Skynet, robots, and overly protective mother types

Branch Manager seeks Scranton hottie
Funny, smart, intelligent, lonely paper manager seeks hot, non-judgmental, supermodel type to have lots of children with so I won’t die alone.
Likes: Jokes, being the best boss, and hot chicks
Don’t like: People who don’t laugh at obviously hilarious jokes, fatties, and women who can’t see how completely amazing I am.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

How to ace a job interview

With the economy the way it is these days and unemployment reaching new heights of despairitude odds are you are going to be going on a job interview. That means that you have passed phase one and they have either not caught on that your resume is a complete lie. Or they are trying to figure out how on earth you could have put 'first person to do the crab walk on the moon' and keep a straight face when asked about it. But with so many people out of work you need to stand out here are some tips on how to answer the tough questions they might ask.

Describe yourself in 5 words or less: Way way better than you. This shows that you are not only awesome but you compared yourself to them which is flattering and why wouldn't they want to hire a better version of themselves?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? A lonely survivor of the Zombie Apocalypse having killed all of my friends after they turned, desperately seeking safe haven in a world of horrors that never end. Expect shocked silence after this one as he thinks of you as a brave warrior. This shows your resilience, your ability to adapt to new situations, and your go to attitude.

What did you like least about your last job? I didn't like how when people didn't pay on time they made me leave the room then used loud party poppers. Then they had to call the guy they call "the cleaner" to handle all of the after party fun, and not once did I get invited or even get a piece of cake. This will show that you enjoy company activities and would like to participate in future company events. Don't get fooled into saying to many bad things about your last boss this question is a trap.

Why did you leave your last job? After the FBI raid I felt that the company I was working for had a poor future plus there were no stock options. Use this question as an opportunity to look for company benefits, like stock options.

What is your greatest strength? My greatest strength is my ability to know what others around me are thinking. It is ok to turn away and blush at what your boss just thought about you at this point. It makes him believe that you might actually have some super human trait he is looking for to put together a secret crime fighting team. And that is not something you want turn down.

What is your greatest weakness? My greatest weakness is that after I used my greatest strength to tell what people around me are really thinking I tend to cry a lot. Use your weakness to fortify his belief in your greater strength.

At this point you have all but assured your place back in the work force, good luck out there.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Things that bother me

A small list of things that bother me feel free to add to it in the comments section.

Girls in books or shows who think that they can change a Vampires after 265 years of being blood sucking monsters.

Why do movies that have the technology to show me really cool fight scenes decided at the last minute to hand the camera to the kid with seizures during all the intense action? Thus making me nauseous and completely miss what is actually happening except the gist yes, they fought got it… thanks for nothing.

Chain letters even if they have a good point, something funny, or a great picture that I might have considered forwarding on anyways. If I get to the bottom and it tells me to send it to 7 people or I will die a grizzly death it goes to the garbage. Stop it! A forward of a forward of a forward is no longer mail and will no longer be tolerated.

When a girl plucks her eyebrows till they no longer exist then draw them on with a blue pencil. Let me tell you what guys look for in eyebrows. Are there two of them? Can you see out from under them? That is all.

I saw an interesting preview, my friends went to see it and said it was great, so I go to the video store to rent it and all they have is the Uncensored and uncut version. There is usually a reason it was cut and censored and I want to see the damned version that got good reviews. Not the 7 hour version of dances with wolves! Note there is actually a 7 hour version of Dances with Wolves. I do not recommend this unless you are masochist with a death wish and think rising action is a guy riding on a horse for two hours.

When I reply to a coworkers morning greeting of “How are you?” with the obligatory “good, how are you?” And they respond by telling me all about their problems for the next 45 minutes. If we are friends great, if I only talk to you because I am forced to by company etiquette please leave me alone.

When people ask me if I have seen a movie, I tell them no but I am going to see it later then they talk about key plot elements in front of me insisting that it ruins nothing. Little secret if it was note worthy then it does matter!!!

When I am watching a show online or on T.V. and the commercials are way louder than the show.