Famous Personals

If the characters in popular TV shows/movies wrote personal adds.

Biter seeks bite-y
130 year old virgin Vampire with abandonment issues seeks 15 or 16 year old girl to seduce.
Likes: Long walks on the beach (at night), Brooding about my tortured past, watching you while you sleep, and cheerleaders who like emo Goths.
Don’t like: Garlic, wooden furniture, mirrors, or fatties.


I know what’s wrong with you
50’s something Doctor with limp seeks emotionally healthy prey that I can destroy slowly and without remorse.
Likes: Drugs, hookers, piano music, and strange diseases
Dislikes: Puzzles that can’t be solved, people that can’t be broken, and obvious answers

No fate but what we make
Future leader of mankind seeks bunker buddy to hang out with during robot uprising.
Likes: Guns, Computer hacking, and road trips
Dislikes: Skynet, robots, and overly protective mother types

Branch Manager seeks Scranton hottie
Funny, smart, intelligent, lonely paper manager seeks hot, non-judgmental, supermodel type to have lots of children with so I won’t die alone.
Likes: Jokes, being the best boss, and hot chicks
Don’t like: People who don’t laugh at obviously hilarious jokes, fatties, and women who can’t see how completely amazing I am.

Bored at 4 am

So around 3:30 this morning I got bored trying to sleep I rolled over and laid there for another half hour before deciding to start my day. Now I don't know if anyone else has felt this peculiar sensation before where you are so tired that you could actually cry but can't sleep and it literally bores you to try. So now after lolly gagging around the house (that's right I can lolly gag with the best of them) I decided to come to work a few hours early for no other reason than I had nothing better to do. In the past I have come up with interesting things to do at 4am but that was when I had a roommate in the same room as me to torment, there was a t.v. show I hadn't watched yet, or my laundry needed doing. So now I am looking for suggestions from any of you. What do you do at 4am when you can't sleep. My sock puppet show is the most requested but I am tired of doing it for just me as an audience, last time I clap when it was over and killed two of my favorite sock puppets may they rest in peace.

Things I like to do in long meetings

Aka things you probably shouldn't do
When meetings start to run long as they do so often around here I like to keep myself entertained, mainly so I don't fall asleep as they drone on and on. So when you are bored to tears in your next company get together here are a few things to try.

Randomly interrupt the speaker with questions that have nothing to do with his or her department. Then apologize and ask them to continue this will often throw them so far off track that they will just sit down.

When someone is in a particularly long rant or speech wait for them to take a breath then stand up and start clapping. Often other coworkers who weren't paying attention will join in, keep clapping as you make your way to the door. Nothing ends a meeting faster than a standing ovation.

When people get bored they start to look around wait till the person next to you looks away then stare at them intently. When they look back jump a little and look shocked a small gasp will add to the effect. Most of the time this scares the hell out them.

"Drop your pen" under the table and quickly tie two coworkers shoelaces together or if you want deniability tie a coworkers shoelace to the chair they are siting in. You have to be fast and go unnoticed but when you pull it off the result is hilarious.

When you are called on use as many buzz words as you can in a sentence. Example: "I looked into synergizing the dynamic framework but found the immersion paradigm of the next generation software too simplistic. So I am being proactive in this particular enterprise for maximum empowerment so that there is no paradigm shift otherwise we might get to a tipping point, retroactively of course." Then smile look around haughtily and sit down. You will not have said a damn thing but no one will argue with you because they don't want to look stupid. (Note: I did this in my last meeting and my boss actually congratulated me after the fact for my productivity)

So with these in mind I have a meeting to go to.

Act V Golf, Coffee, and Cigarettes

Around the workplace I have noticed a trend: addiction = time. Or its counter formula non-addiction = negative time. Let me explain with a brief example. Friday afternoon, the office is quiet because by 10:00 the entire sales staff has used the secret elevator. Army crawled across the rooftop. Leaped from the third story into a strategically placed dumpster filled with tiny foam packing peanuts. Then used ninja mind techniques to evade prying eyes and gain an early weekend. Which I have to admit is a bit distracting owing to the fact that my window is in front of the dumpster. And seeing ten well dressed sales executives dive from your building makes you doubt your stock options. Then the clock chimes 10:01 and you realize that eight grueling hours still await you. But not all is lost because at least the CEO, COO, CFO, and NBC are sticking out the day and it gives you a glimmer of hope until of course that they walk past your office feigning a meeting and wearing golf cleats. So now all is lost you're stuck alone in the office with the village idiot that had to be hired for “equal opportunity” and the chimney that takes a smoke break every 4.5 seconds which of course leaves the work load on you.

So how I ask is this fair? I don’t have the major corporate sponsored addictions. I can’t come in late because I don’t drink coffee and “the line at Starbucks was so long” Is like the freaking Willy Wonka golden ticket excuse of all excuses for late coffee drinkers. I don’t golf so leaving for a five hour lunch break is out. And I don’t smoke so whenever a big project comes to my desk I can’t say “give it Jenkins I’m on smoke break.” So addiction = time. If I have acceptable corporate addiction IE golf, coffee or cigarettes then I get time to do those things. If I don’t then the equation works out to be non-addiction = negative time. Then I get stuck with all of the crap work that falls in the juggling act that it is my life. I wish it where still the mid 80’s then I could develop a LSD addiction and I would have all kinds of excuses to miss work. “Cant do it I’m meeting my dealer,” “Sorry I missed Friday’s meeting I was in the hospital and my brain was bleeding,” “Little frogs ate my brain and I no longer have the capacity for that task.” Ok that last one was a stretch but I figure if they are also on LSD then I am in the clear and I just totally gave him the freak out of his life. Maybe I will make a new game that involves drinking tobacco flavored coffee while outside on the grass hitting tether balls with a wooden bat into wicker baskets and it would be illegal to play the game unless you are there during work hours. I could call it Tosmacko pronounced to-smack-O then I would be king of the office!