Around the workplace I have noticed a trend: addiction = time. Or its counter formula non-addiction = negative time. Let me explain with a brief example. Friday afternoon, the office is quiet because by 10:00 the entire sales staff has used the secret elevator. Army crawled across the rooftop. Leaped from the third story into a strategically placed dumpster filled with tiny foam packing peanuts. Then used ninja mind techniques to evade prying eyes and gain an early weekend. Which I have to admit is a bit distracting owing to the fact that my window is in front of the dumpster. And seeing ten well dressed sales executives dive from your building makes you doubt your stock options. Then the clock chimes 10:01 and you realize that eight grueling hours still await you. But not all is lost because at least the CEO, COO, CFO, and NBC are sticking out the day and it gives you a glimmer of hope until of course that they walk past your office feigning a meeting and wearing golf cleats. So now all is lost you're stuck alone in the office with the village idiot that had to be hired for “equal opportunity” and the chimney that takes a smoke break every 4.5 seconds which of course leaves the work load on you.
So how I ask is this fair? I don’t have the major corporate sponsored addictions. I can’t come in late because I don’t drink coffee and “the line at Starbucks was so long” Is like the freaking Willy Wonka golden ticket excuse of all excuses for late coffee drinkers. I don’t golf so leaving for a five hour lunch break is out. And I don’t smoke so whenever a big project comes to my desk I can’t say “give it Jenkins I’m on smoke break.” So addiction = time. If I have acceptable corporate addiction IE golf, coffee or cigarettes then I get time to do those things. If I don’t then the equation works out to be non-addiction = negative time. Then I get stuck with all of the crap work that falls in the juggling act that it is my life. I wish it where still the mid 80’s then I could develop a LSD addiction and I would have all kinds of excuses to miss work. “Cant do it I’m meeting my dealer,” “Sorry I missed Friday’s meeting I was in the hospital and my brain was bleeding,” “Little frogs ate my brain and I no longer have the capacity for that task.” Ok that last one was a stretch but I figure if they are also on LSD then I am in the clear and I just totally gave him the freak out of his life. Maybe I will make a new game that involves drinking tobacco flavored coffee while outside on the grass hitting tether balls with a wooden bat into wicker baskets and it would be illegal to play the game unless you are there during work hours. I could call it Tosmacko pronounced to-smack-O then I would be king of the office!