How to ace a job interview

With the economy the way it is these days and unemployment reaching new heights of despairitude odds are you are going to be going on a job interview. That means that you have passed phase one and they have either not caught on that your resume is a complete lie. Or they are trying to figure out how on earth you could have put 'first person to do the crab walk on the moon' and keep a straight face when asked about it. But with so many people out of work you need to stand out here are some tips on how to answer the tough questions they might ask.

Describe yourself in 5 words or less: Way way better than you. This shows that you are not only awesome but you compared yourself to them which is flattering and why wouldn't they want to hire a better version of themselves?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? A lonely survivor of the Zombie Apocalypse having killed all of my friends after they turned, desperately seeking safe haven in a world of horrors that never end. Expect shocked silence after this one as he thinks of you as a brave warrior. This shows your resilience, your ability to adapt to new situations, and your go to attitude.

What did you like least about your last job? I didn't like how when people didn't pay on time they made me leave the room then used loud party poppers. Then they had to call the guy they call "the cleaner" to handle all of the after party fun, and not once did I get invited or even get a piece of cake. This will show that you enjoy company activities and would like to participate in future company events. Don't get fooled into saying to many bad things about your last boss this question is a trap.

Why did you leave your last job? After the FBI raid I felt that the company I was working for had a poor future plus there were no stock options. Use this question as an opportunity to look for company benefits, like stock options.

What is your greatest strength? My greatest strength is my ability to know what others around me are thinking. It is ok to turn away and blush at what your boss just thought about you at this point. It makes him believe that you might actually have some super human trait he is looking for to put together a secret crime fighting team. And that is not something you want turn down.

What is your greatest weakness? My greatest weakness is that after I used my greatest strength to tell what people around me are really thinking I tend to cry a lot. Use your weakness to fortify his belief in your greater strength.

At this point you have all but assured your place back in the work force, good luck out there.