Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Everything I need to know about social graces I learned in the elevator

After the age of eight it is almost never ok to push all the buttons to see them light up. Unless you see that a pretty girl is about to get on and you need more time to stare at her awkwardly trying to think of something cleaver to say and all that pops out is uh it wasn't me who pushed those.

Never stare directly at a pretty girl without blinking. Just because you won that staring contest that one time does not make it a marketable skill.

Never fart on an elevator the next person to get on will be your boss, a pretty girl, or it will be so horrible in the confined space that you will be clawing at the doors like a drowning victim gasping for air.

Never under any circumstances push the emergency stop button unlike the movies this will probably get you confined to the elevator for most of your morning. And just in case you where desperate and pushed the button to get even more time to strike up a conversation with that pretty girl remember this. A fireman will be the one coming to get you out. A strapping bulky fireman with arms like tree trunks with eyes the color of the sea after a storm. Why all firemen have those eyes I don't know something to do with smoke inhalation. And the first question he will ask is how stupid are you to push that button. The girl will laugh and it will all be over.

You know what screw it I'm taking the stairs.

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