Monday, August 24, 2009

More fun with yahoo answers

As some of you know I enjoy perusing the yahoo answers on occasion and screwing with people, this is one of those times.

Original Poster:
How do I get over an Ex?
It has been 4 months since me and my Ex broke up and I still think about him and dream about him I know it wasn't a good relationship and needed to end but how do I move on with my life?

Ex Doctor: (Me)
Have you tried looking at a picture of him while hitting yourself very hard in the back of the head? This is known in the profession as reference pain then when you think about your Ex next time you will think that he is a jerk for causing you so much pain. Note: this also works with ice cream flavors you don't want to eat anymore.

Original Poster:
Um.. How would that help I feel emotional pain when I think about him now that's my problem is that I think about him all the time everything reminds me of him.

Ex Doctor: (Still me)
Oh I see what the problem is try using a picture of a pony then.

Dawn Juan: (also me)
I got over my Ex by calling him up 30 to 40 times a day till he got a restraining order against me. Then when I got near him I got arrested and in prison I found the man of my dreams. He was a correctional officer and while he doesn't know I love him yet I follow him around town and take pictures of him then photoshop myself into them so it looks like we go everywhere together. We are so happy together.

Ex Doctor: (Me again)
Ah photo replacement stalker therapy good for you Dawn very healthy.

Silly Nelly: (Me once more, yes I make random email names then cancel them when I am done tormenting people)
Don't listen to them the best way to get over an Ex is to tell a doctor you are depressed which I am sure you are. When he prescribes Zoloft use a razor and cut it with some sweat and low and take about 5 at a time. After a week or two you will have trouble remembering anything at all.

Original Poster:
Drug abuse and stalking people can I get someone serious to help me!?

Semi Serious: (Yes it's still me)
First of all let me start by saying I am sorry you are in so much pain I have been there here are the steps that helped me get over my Ex.

1.Step one Eat more: really let yourself go then you will come to the realization that even if he did come crawling back he wouldn't want you back now that you are a bloated shell of a human being.

2. Step two Bore Everyone in the whole world with the details: Make sure that you don't have a single conversation without bringing up how much your Ex hurt you and how you miss him and want him back. Your friends and family and mail man that you bored to death will ban together to quickly beat the crap out of you with that photo album you insisted on showing them over and over again. Then you will have new things to worry about like medical bills and how you are going to eat all your food that you now love (see step one) through a straw.

3. Step three drunken phone calls: Get really hammered maybe not Zoloft and sweat and low hammered (seek help Silly Nelly) and call up your Ex and poor out your heart when you remember what you did the next day you will be so riddled with self loathing and guilt at what you said you will never be able to face him or her again.

4. Step four Do an Exorcism: Perhaps your Ex was in fact a hell spawn from beyond and you can't stop thinking about him or her because they have planted their demon seed in your immortal soul for kicks and giggles. Find a priest or a friend with a leaf blower (put it on reverse to suck out the evil) and just go nuts expelling his or her evil influence on your life.

5. Step 5 BURN IT DOWN!: If the priest or leaf blower where unsuccessful then it is time to burn away the very life that has trapped you into believing you can't live without this person. Take out a fire insurance claim and burn your apartment/house to the ground sear away all memories of the life you may have had together and start fresh with that insurance money. Or if they investigate you and that fails see Dawn Juan's answer while you are in prison for insurance fraud.

Original Poster:
Huh.. That actually helped thanks Semi Serious

Semi Serious:
All helpfulness what unintentional you getting any answers from the aforementioned intones that you are a strange and deeply flawed individual. Want to go out some time?

She has not answered me back yet


Jeffrey said...

Well, at least you were actually helpful to her at the end; not the very end, but near the end.

Tonia said...

Okay bucko (that means I'm serious, just ask my kids), you better hope and pray these people have a sense of humor and are not deranged. Of course, asking for help on the internet might actually be a sign of derangement. Hmmmmmm (now in deep thought)