Thursday, August 13, 2009

10 reasons to feel pretty

Ever have one of those morning where you wake up and no matter how you look at it you just feel like crap you look like crap and nothing in this world can help? Here are a few things that might cheer you up.

1. Fat people are hard to kidnap. So you probably don't have to ever worry about that one.

2. Pretty people are constantly being harassed by non pretty people which means that today at least you will not be harassed.

3. Sweatpants are very comfortable and that hole in the crotch makes it nice and breezy. Why is it that every pair of sweatpants in the world has a hole in the crotch?

4. You are probably going to get to eat some kind of cake tonight. Cake is for celebrations and for self loathing. So really it's a celebration of self loathing.

5. Odds are no one at all cares enough about you to care what you look like. Does that help at all?

6. You have to believe in yourself when no one else does. Like now for example.

7. If you do get anything all done today besides baking yourself a loathing cake you will probably be praised for it in that 'one' tone "Hey way to go man. I knew you could do it if you put your mind to it, you went to the grocery store all by yourself, great job." You know the tone I am talking about. The one you use in the room when grandma is dying and you are talking to a particularly slow kid.

8. When you finally do get around to bathing yourself you will probably find that gummy bear you lost down your shirt.

9. No matter how ugly you are you can always go to Walmart and feel just a little better about yourself. Or bad for humanity, but you decided.

10. You are pretty on the inside, I have no proof but I am assuming against better judgment.


Allie said...

Yessssssss!!!!!! I love this! I am, in fact, having one of those days right now and your insightful wisdom was just what I needed to pick myself up off the floor long enough to shower. Thank you for that.

Sophie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sophie said...

Oh fuck me I love you.