My letter to PETA

Dear PETA,

I saw yet another angry outburst from your organization the other day in the news. Which angry outburst? I can't be sure they all kind of blend together into one mass of crazy. That I tend to put in the same category as children hissy fits and feminists that scream about "man hole covers" means that the cities of the world are sexist. But it got me to worrying about your members since you always seem to be screaming and are never happy unless you are putting out sexually provocative adds about celery and something about naked women who don't like fur. Which is funny if you think about it because of all of those feminists who also belong to PETA and don't shave send the wrong message about fur being bad, but I digress. I was worried because you always seem to be so cranky. It is my understanding that you don't like tasty tasty meat products (to each his own) and I think you may be suffering from Protein deficiency.

Here is the definition: Protein deficiency is a serious cause of ill health and death in developing countries. Protein deficiency plays a part in the disease kwashiorkor. Protein deficiency can lead to reduced intelligence or mental retardation. Now I am not trying to say that all members of PETA are mentally retarded but then I looked a little further and found this

Mental retardation: A term used when a person has certain limitations in mental functioning and in skills such as communicating, taking care of him or herself, and social skills. These limitations will cause a child to learn and develop more slowly than a typical child. Children with mental retardation may take longer to learn to speak, walk, and take care of their personal needs such as dressing or eating. They are likely to have trouble learning in school. They will learn, but it will take them longer. There may be some things they cannot learn.

So if I am reading this right, and I think I am when you decided to stop eating meat you lost the basic ability to communicate, you developed eating deficiencies, and you started yelling at the world for not understanding. But that's not your fault because your social skills are being affected. And you think that yelling at everyone all the time for not agreeing with you is just your cute little way of trying to get attention. Now yelling isn't the best way to get what you want but it's ok because you take longer to learn things like that now. And I finally understand the anti fur campaign is that just because you are having trouble dressing yourselves? Or is it because it looks like a scary Monster? Don't worry it can't hurt you and if you need help getting dressed there are all kinds of facilities that can teach people with your special needs how to get on those hard coat sleeves and really difficult things like tying your shoes. What am I saying you probably can't understand me but that's ok PETA because I now understand that there are just some things that you can not learn.