Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Best places to find girls

I can never seem to find girls so I have compiled a list of all the new places I can look.

1. Homeless shelters: Sure they may be stinky and have bad teeth but they don't run that fast because they are malnourished.

2. Graveyards: Not only do you get to see them all dressed up you get to see how bad they are going to cry at things. (Side note: the available ones are the ones in black next to the shinny box.)

3. Animal shelters: Girls are a sucker for puppies and kitties and stuff so if you threaten to harm them unless they go out with you they will have no choice.

4. Protests: It doesn't matter what they are protesting just pretend to be as passionate as they are. Then talk about "the man" a lot then ask them to go and get a bite to eat so you can share your red hot anger at stuff and things. (Note: this does not work at feminist rallies and you may end up with a broken pelvis.)

5. PTA Meetings: Pretend to be a hard up Dad with so much love for your dead wife and talk about how hard it is being all alone with a kid. (Note: this only works if you like chicks with kids. P.S. this may end poorly and with your arrest if you are found hanging out around high schools trying to find out when the next PTA meeting is.)

6. All girl colleges: Dress up like a girl, make friends, get invited to a slumber party, start a pillow fight. I am almost positive that every girl pillow fight end up with girls kissing. (Note: Please don't take this one away from me it's all I have.)

7. 3:00 AM Crispy Cream Donuts: Not only while you are waiting do you get to eat delicious donuts but any girl who shows up at 3:00 AM for a double twisty goo cruller is in desperate need of attention.

8. Prison: Sure they may have been locked up for stabbing their boyfriend with an ice pick 37 times but while they are incarcerated you get to control the amount of time you spend with them. Plus I have a friend who is a guard there and he can tell me which ones might physically harm me. (Note: I talked to my "friend" who is a guard is a big baby and wont have any part in this. Something about loosing his job and how I am insane blah blah blah!)

9. Department of Motor Vehicles: Wait for a crazy long line stand in it till you get a great spot then pretend to know the pretty girl that walks in and hopefully she will play along to get a spot in line. Not only will she see what a great line stander inner you are but you get to pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend for a while. (Note: these relationships only last about 2 hours and usually end in the "why the hell where you standing in this line in the first place conversation" to which I still have no answer and usually talk about yacht licensing till they see I am full of crap and leave me.)

10. Clinics: I am not sure what type of clinic it was but I know that most of the girls came out crying and in need of a hug. It was a gold mine.

12 comments:

Danielle Fox said...

Ha ha ha ha ha! Don't forget hardware stores. I have absolutely no idea what any of it does or what i'd need any of it for but pick up any one of the many tool type things for sale..stroke it gently and say 'yes...yes this is perfect for x' guaranteed to get a hit. Unless of course x is killing someone. Then maybe not so much. Unless she's one of the girls who will shortly be doing some jail time

Danielle Fox said...

Oh and when i had slumber parties with pillow fights there was always kissing involved. Before, during and after we playfully wrestled scantily clad. You're welcome

Just Sayin' said...

Okay... So I was going to comment on this excellent post but then I read the comment right above mine and my eyes glazed over and I forgot what i was going to say...

I mean scantily clad, nubile young women, wrestling and kissing...

Wait... What was I saying???

Augusto said...

Some excellent suggestions although I must caution about the PTA meetings - you really should have an actual living child to effect this plan because they will want to see pictures and meet the child fairly soon.

Danielle Fox said...

Yes, few people like seeing pictures of dead children. I think, however, you underestimate the men executing these plans.

The Shark Guys said...

...and don't forget...Lamaze classes...any guy who'd show up to such a thing would be no competition at all.

Danielle Fox said...

Oh yes.. Because why on earth would the father of her unborn child be any competition at all..

Mike said...

I agree about the animal shelters. I would also add to that vetrenarians' officies and pet stores where they do dog groomong. I have seen some of the hottest babes in those places. If I weren't spoken for I'd be tempted to hang out there all day.

Syden said...

First things first Thanks to Danielle for keeping hope alive. Second you don't actually need a kid just one of those wallets that comes with a picture of a kid in it. Ok I am off to the dog groomers office thanks for the tip.

Danielle Fox said...

You're welcome, I don't often go round bursting people's bubbles and I figured since you made me laugh I'd leave yours intact

Kit Walker said...

we used to play show and tell at slumber parties, but I won't tell what that showed.

Syden said...

Bless you Kit my imagination is going crazy