How to survive a bank heist

If you ever find yourself in a bank that is being held up by criminals (possibly in Halloween masks of dead presidents) these are some simple tricks to help you through the ordeal.

1. Remain calm, but not too calm: They always say in crisis situations that you have to keep your wits about you. But if the robber is flailing a gun around then maybe he is going for a certain atmosphere or theme for his bank robbery. If you don't look scared he might just kill you because you are just ruining the mood he is trying to set. I recommend screaming like a little girl and weeping uncontrollably for about 20 seconds then collapsing to the floor in a heap. This will generally make the robber happy that you are contributing to the general feel of his robbery.

2. Be friendly, but not too friendly: If there happens to be a doughnut shop near by the police might just respond fast enough to turn your pleasant bank heist into a long drawn out ordeal. So if the bank robbers are going to be there for a while try and be friendly. Smile on occasion then look away, just like when looking that girl in junior high (but without the awkward panic attack.) If they strike up conversation with you keep it innocuous, talk about movies that where cool or how surfing is awesome. But there is a line, you don't want to become too friendly or when hostage time comes guess who they are going to take? Then your whole night is shot and you will have to try and get through the next day without anyone telling you what happened on Lost and you know that Nancy from accounting has a big mouth.

3. Look for opportunities: If the chance to do something arrives and you save the day you might just get enough fame to finally ask out that hot bank teller. And if it all goes horribly horribly wrong at least there might be a hot nurse in the hospital who will pity you. You can ask my last two girlfriends pity can be a powerful motivator especially when accompanied by a gun shot wound. Try and lull the robber into a false sense of security, at this point he has already seen you cry like a little girl and you have probably talked about how cool the new Star Trek movie was. He will start to trust you or pity you, and again pity is awesome. Tell him how cool his gun is for a while then and ask if you can see it. If this actually works point the gun at him and take control. But don't shoot him! That hot nurse can just as easily fall for a surly robber who was just down on his luck.

4. Cheeto fingers: Many times robbers go unconvicted because they are all wearing ski masks and they can't tell which convict did which crime. Help out your local police department by trying to touch one of the robbers with your cheeto encrusted fingers. I find that during the initial plea for my life while I am crying like a 6 year old school girl grabbing a pant leg and crying about my fake children that will go fatherless wont get you killed. Pistol whipped yes, killed no. Now many of you ask why do you have cheeto encrusted fingers in the first place? Be smart people it is a great way to identify things. If you had the remote first you have proof, if you want that jelly doughnut a single yellow orange finger print can claim it, and when it's time for the line up at the police station you just have to look for your mark to point out the would be robber. Cheetos are relatively inexpensive and a great time saver for claiming territory. (Note If you can't get your hands on cheetos I find that the powdered cheese in the Mac and Cheese box works as a substitute, if you lick your fingers before opening the pouch.)

5. Be prepared: By now you have learned how to stay alive, identify the criminal, possibly get a date, all while not missing your favorite t.v. show. But constant vigilance is the key to surviving a bank heist and that means being prepared. Try not to leave the house without cheeto fingers. Practice crying in front of the mirror so you can do it on queue (if you are having trouble with this one just remember how alone you are... so very alone, it works like a charm.) Make sure and stay up to date on pop culture and movies so you can talk to your assailant with ease. And remember if you plan on using a pen as a make shift weapon to stab the robber in the neck to save the day, that they are chained to the counter so first you have to get him to stand really close and possibly lay his head on the desk. Good luck out there.