Things you may not know about but should

If you put an egg in the microwave and cook it for 3 minutes on high (Honestly they say 'on high' but I have never changed a setting ever) it will explode. Also it will taste like a microwaved egg, well a microwaved egg and bits of lasagna but I think that might be unrelated.

Eventually in your life two or more Mormons will knock on your door, most of the time in white shirts and ties. If they are wearing a black silk outfit with a covered face and a katana they are not Mormons but ninja's. The difference is Mormons have accesses to rice crispy squares and ninjas will probably kill you.

If someone asks you what would you do for a Klondike bar? Kick them in the crotch immediately and say 'that!' Then run. This will eventually reach the ears of the Klondike people and your bar will be sent in the mail. Right around the time you receive the summons for your upcoming assault case. I got my assault papers yesterday so it should be here any time now.

If you ever accidentally run over a squirrel while mowing your lawn and the neighbor kid is watching after the kirrrrkirrrrksquanch sound is made. Point to the kid then point to the lawnmower, then point to that ball he threw into your yard, and smile. This will make a great story at the next block party and everyone will laugh and laugh. That reminds me I don't think I got my invitation yet.

That one girl at the gas station that is really pretty but also a little scary is just as scared of you as you are of her. That may be owing to the fact that you are wearing a ski mask. Do people actually wear those to ski anymore or do they just make them for robbers? But your face was cold and this seemed like a good conversation starter. So don't be afraid, and while you are lying on the ground being read your rights feel free to try and ask for her number. Or the number of the female officer.