Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Julius' Complex

This is the Wikipedia entry for Julius Caesar very slightly modified by me with the real motives behind the man.

Julius Caesar (13 July 100 BC[2] – 15 March 44 BC[3]), was a Roman military and political leader. He played a critical role in the transformation of the Roman Republic into the Roman Empire. And was the worlds biggest homophobe.

A politician of the populares tradition, he formed an unofficial triumvirate with Marcus Licinius Crassus and Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus which dominated Roman politics for several years. This was also all over the Greek tabloids with pictures as the 'first three way' which enraged Julius who had always tried to live down his effeminate name.
His conquest of Gaul extended the Roman world to the North Sea, this was an effort to 'man up' his image. So he set out on this bloody rampage thinking that if people thought of him as conqueror they wouldn't think flaming homo anymore. But his fashion sense, bright red cape, and hanging out with 20 thousand men in skirts did not have the effect Julius thought it would have. His neighbors in Britain started calling him 'The Lady in Red' which upset Julius' fragile ego so much he conducted the first Roman invasion of Britain in 55 BC. The collapse of the triumvirate, however, led to a stand-off with Pompey and the Senate. Leading his legions across the Rubicon, Caesar began a civil war in 49 BC from which he became the master of the Roman world. This was widely publicized as the largest hissy fit ever seen people like to say "Ikkle Cweasar lost his boyfriends and got all mad."

After assuming control of government, he began extensive reforms of Roman society and government, like the don't ask don't tell policy, and the amnesty of fashion sense policy. He heavily centralized the bureaucracy of the Republic and was eventually proclaimed "dictator in perpetuity" but in private circles was always known as 'the dictator of purple perennials' for his love of pretty flowers. A group of senators, led by Marcus Junius Brutus, assassinated the dictator on the Ides of March (March 15) in 44 BC, hoping to restore the normal running of the Republic. And finally get rid of the image of Rome Gayest place on earth. However, the result was another Roman civil war known as the hissy fit part II, which ultimately led to the establishment of a permanent autocracy by Caesar's "adopted heir" (if you know what I mean), Gaius Octavianus. In 42 BC, two years after his assassination, the Senate officially sanctified Caesar as one of the Roman deities. The God of love.
Marcus Junius Brutus was later convicted for hate crimes and gay bashing.


pipsmithy said...

The side of history we never knew.

me,myself, and I said...

where do you come up with this stuff. I am so proud that you use the content you do, and yet always in shock at the same time. Love it

Tonia said...

purple flowers....that was his downfall