Friday, June 5, 2009

Self help it's all about problem solving

When you are in a rut keep pacing until you are in a ditch don't give up, get a shovel and now you are in a dependable and defensible trench. Anyone who tells you to get out of your rut/trench is probably a Nazi infiltrator and you can shoot them.

You have to believe in yourself when no one else does, like now for example.

You are not as ugly as you think you are, or at least not as ugly as that one guy I saw on the street corner the other day man he was ugly. I hope that wasn't you.

Dancing is a good way to make you happy but I warn you there is a time and a place for it. When you start dancing in the middle of a meeting and there is no music and you are a terrible dancer it just looks like you are seizing out of control. On the plus side you got a fat check from disability and can buy yourself something pretty or maybe dance lessons.

Self image is important that's why I covered my mirror with a poster of Brad Pitt so it looks like I'm Brad whenever I look in the mirror, man I'm a sexy beast. Problem solved.

Never let anyone tell you that you're wrong you could develop a complex. Whenever you feel like someone is about to tell you that you're wrong do what I do. Cover your ears and run screaming from the room and if you have the chance, kick them in the shins on your way out. Then if someone asks you why you didn't correct something you can simply say because I was never told it was wrong. Problem solved.

People who need self help often feel worthless. My solution is to keep large amounts of money on me at all times then when I start to feel worthless I count it. I can't be worthless I am worth at least $526.50. Problem solved.

Feeling good about yourself yet? No? Then try this; compliment the next person you see but don't do the regular "you look nice today" crap. Try something original so that they really know you mean it. One of my favorites is to tell the new girl in the office that she looks pregnant. You know because pregnant women glow and she kind of lights up a room. Just the first part though the "you look pregnant" When she figures out what I actually mean on her own it will make her happy and give her a sense of accomplishment. Now don't you feel a little better about yourself.

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