Thursday, July 30, 2009

Guest Blogger

Poor Syden is down and out for the count for a few day (do not fear, he will return) and in the meantime has graciously allowed me to mess around with his blog. Being his sister (and favorite sibling) I hung out with Syden a lot growing up. As some of you might have guessed by now he and his friends occasionally played RPG games. I remember well that the pool table downstairs made for an excellent space to fill up with dice, large books with names like Monster Manuel on the cover, and snack foods. In all the time I hung around and watched I only ever played maybe twice. I did pick up a few things though that I like to apply to everyday life.

1. You can have strength, dexterity, wisdom, and intelligence but without charisma no one will actually like you.
2. There are some out there who have no strength, dexterity, wisdom, or intelligence and still manage to have charisma. In other words no matter how weak, inexperienced, stupid or clumsy you are you can still be likeable.
3. Feed the DM. If he isn't happy then no one is happy.
4. If the wizard annoys you, steal his spellbook.
5. Figure out your enemies weakness. And never shoot a skeleton with arrows.
6. If others figure out your weakness then you will be defeated. (And end up buying that kitchen tool the telemarker said you had to have)
7. Campaigns can last a long, long time.
8. Dice do not have to be six sided.
9. Risks can pay off....sometimes.
10. Figurines hurt when you step on them.
11. Your 15 level chaotic elf can sometimes get the snot kicked out of him by a little girl.
12. Not everything is what it seems.
13. Do not drink the unmarked bottle. Even if you think it just might be that healing potion you really need.
14. Do not wake up sleeping dragons.
15. Do not play RPG games with Syden. He has an uncanny ability to roll high.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Kidney Stones part II Return of the stone

I have kidney stones again I haven't been feeling particularly funny lately writhing in agony so I am taking a small break from blogging until it passes. Thanks for reading and to my loyal minions I'll be back soon.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Fan Fiction

One of the more enjoyable things in life is when I am having a completely normal conversation with someone which steers naturally into what kind of books or movies we both like and ends with a 9 hour discussion about this persons insane fan fiction. Sure I like to come home from the Transformers movie and imagine how cool it would be to have a robot car that I never had to fill with gas for the trade off of mild radiation poisoning. But to write a 30 page story about how BumbleBee is in love with me and is really a girl robot and how he transforms into the best lover you've ever had, well... that's literally insane. No seriously, I looked it up
Insane: Traditionally, insanity, craziness or madness is the behavior whereby a person flouts societal norms and may become a danger to themselves and others.
You flouted social norms by thinking it was ok to tell me about your sexual fantasy involving a robot car, and endangered yourself by not realizing that I might beat the crap out of you for telling me in great detail about it for 9 hours = insane. You then endangered me by giving me the equivalent of a brain colonic whereby I almost had an aneurysm. Now I have always considered myself nerdy beyond all reason. I enjoy D&D, play World of Warcraft, am an IT Manager, write a blog, and have seen every episode of every Star Trek ever. I however draw the line at dressing up like a moron and flaunting my geekdom with a homemade sword and elf ears. OK that one time I made a foam sword and played battleguard in the backyard BUT I DID NOT WEAR STICK ON EARS. (That sentence right there will keep me out of politics forever) But people if you like an idea write about it but please keep your insanity bottled up deep inside like the rest of us. I am generally against the death penalty but if I have to sit through one more discussion about How Gandalf could in fact be your grandfather because you were adopted and you have strange magical powers I might just have to inject you myself. I'll give you this you do have the power to make me feel normal you freaking psycho.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Under the weather

Not feeling great today so here are some funny pictures to tide you over. Click to enlarge if you can't read them.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Bored at 4 am

So around 3:30 this morning I got bored trying to sleep I rolled over and laid there for another half hour before deciding to start my day. Now I don't know if anyone else has felt this peculiar sensation before where you are so tired that you could actually cry but can't sleep and it literally bores you to try. So now after lolly gagging around the house (that's right I can lolly gag with the best of them) I decided to come to work a few hours early for no other reason than I had nothing better to do. In the past I have come up with interesting things to do at 4am but that was when I had a roommate in the same room as me to torment, there was a t.v. show I hadn't watched yet, or my laundry needed doing. So now I am looking for suggestions from any of you. What do you do at 4am when you can't sleep. My sock puppet show is the most requested but I am tired of doing it for just me as an audience, last time I clap when it was over and killed two of my favorite sock puppets may they rest in peace.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Things that don't make sense to me

Sayings that don't make sense at all:

Sub par: Coined from a golf term par is the amount of strokes you get to get the ball in the hole. If something is sub par or under par then that should be a good thing. So when I told that girl that she looked sub par yesterday she should have taken it as a compliment. Instead of kicking me in the crotch on the elevator.

Irregardless: If something is irregardless then it is not regardless but they are supposed to mean the same damned thing. I am going to start saying irregrettable and see if it catches on.

Have your cake and eat it to: Am I stealing cake to eat? Of course I am going to eat my own cake.

The whole nine yards: What the hell is measured in nine yards? In football you would be one yard short. Seriously why would I go nine yards.

There is more than one way to skin a cat: .......Um that's nice Joe I am going to call the police and tell them you are torturing animals again.

Slept like I baby: Babies sleep for about two hours wet themselves and cry. Ok I guess I did sleep like a baby.

Other random things I think about:

If quizes are quizzical what are tests?

Why does my toaster have a setting that would make a charcoal briquett

Corn oil is made from corn vegetable oil is made from vegetables we need to stop the production of baby oil immediately!!

Einstein theorized that nothing could reach the speed of light, I give you the speed of darkness.

My bank charged me money for having no money in my account I think they will be shocked when I can't pay them.

Hemorrhoids and asteroids should switch names, also crabs will now be called cockroaches.

Why are slow children crossing so many streets?

I wonder what the braille at the drive up atm says? Lets do the top 5
5. You have no idea how lost you are right now.
4. You are about to be hit by a car.
3. Seriously I mean seriously you shouldn't be driving!
2. Get a new seeing eye dog this on is retarded.

Ok enough random for today

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

More Fun with yahoo answers

Original poster:
Skin rash question, red and purple dots?
i have some purple/red dots on my leg, what is it?

Dr. Doctor: (me)
Do the pustules in question pustulate or vibrate softly in anyway? If so you are dealing with the bubonic plague.

Concerned Citizen 223: (also me)
If you have the plague you need to take a pocket full of posies until you fall down of course.

Medical malpractice: (me again)
Have you ever come in contact with ape feces or had a bad tasting pineapple pizza? It could be superdonical purple zonkers syndrome.

Original Poster:
They are painful and I got them after a really hot day when I was outside. No I have not dealt with apes.

Dr. Doctor: (me)
That changes everything baring the ape fecal flinging at the zoo I would say you have heat rashititus purplicitus with a touch of necro dottizm. Take a hot bath add 4 cups of sugar to the water and let soak for 30 minutes. Then wear shorts and go near a river or body of water in your area and the mosquitoes will suck away the venom.

Original Poster:
Web MD does not pull up rashititus purplicitus or Neco dottizm.

Regretful child308: (still me)
I had micro necro dottizm as a kid but couldn't find a body of water with any mosquitoes now I have a hump on my back and smell of rotten grass all the time.

Original Poster:
Is no one going to help me for real?

Sincere Man460:
Sounds bad I would follow the Doctor's advice he diagnosed my wife with hyperdonic sexlexia best wedding night ever after I followed his cure of garlic salt and mustard under the tongue twice daily.

Original Poster:
You guys suck.

Original Poster:

Original Poster:

Original Poster:

Original Poster:

Original Poster:

Original Poster:

Dr. Doctor: (me still)
Ccc-Combo Breaker

Original Poster:

Original Poster:
*Comment has been removed due to violation of language*

Ya I reported him on that last one and it got removed, people just need to be more considerate when posting. I am going to hell.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

What kind of vampire is your new boyfriend?

With the recent upswing of vampire culture out there I'd bet that a lot of you gals out there want to know how to tell what kind of Vampire your new boyfriend is.

1. Does he drink your blood and leave you for dead? This is a sign of a bad vampire.

2. Does he sparkle in the sunlight? This is an indication of a gay vampire who used to much body glitter.

3. Does he show up in your room while you are sleeping and stare at you creepily? While this might seem romantic to some of you lunatics out there he is stalking you much as a wolf stalks food. This is a stalker Vampire.

4. Did he make you give up your college options to "be with him forever" even though he doesn't have a job? This is a trailer park vampire the house he took you isn't his he was squatting in while the tenants where away for the summer. All he wants to do is leave you knocked up with vampire spawn and leach off your bank account.

5. Is he over 100 or even over 35 years old? Think about it this. Dude is a total perv vampire you are like 16.

6. Is he cold and clammy to the touch? This is a sick vampire don't touch him he probably has the clap.

7. Did your supposed vampire live through the civil war? Maybe you should ask him some history questions and see if he knows anything at all or if he is a goth who is hard up for a prom date. This is a fake Vampire.

8. Did your new vampire boyfriend put you in between a three way war between Werewolves, bad vampires, and himself? This is a douche vampire make him settle the score before you start dating.

9. Has he ever indicated that he wants you to be his eternal bride before he has even had a conversation with you? This is a Model hunting vampire sure its nice to know that you are cute and all but in 50 years when the shine wears off your eternal apple he is going to find a new child bride to creep it up with.

10. Does he burst into flames when confronted with a cross, sunlight, fire, or when stepping on holy ground? This might be a keeper at least you have an insurance policy if he starts cheating on you or tries to steal your soul. We will call this one a controllable vampire.

I hope this helps you in your dating prospects.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Something random for your Monday

I went to take a bath this weekend to ease some sore muscles. When the water was about half full I put my left hand in, it was to hot so I took it out immediately and changed the settings. About 2 minutes later I went to check again, my left hand still a bit shy I put my right hand in. The water was just right so I put my right hand out and shook the water off. At this point I figured I would turn myself around because that's what it's all about. HOKEY POKEY!

I think that the army calling its cloths "fatigues" is sending the wrong message from now on they will be known as "awares" or maybe "wideawakes" or even "Don'teventryitIwilldestroyyourwholecountrywiththepushofabutton pants."

While driving I like to imagine what all the people I see are doing. That guy is taking his dog on a death march, That Girl is on her way to break up with her boyfriend, Those two guys are putting that girl in the front seat of that van and she looks dead...... That last one is actually true I might be contacted by the police any day now.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Nail biting

I recently read about gateway drugs and sometimes gateway eating. A gateway drug is like when you smoke pot then you have to do crack next to get that same sensation. Gateway eating is when you have a bread stick then have to have a slice of pizza. So what happens when you bite your nails? Do you ever finish biting those nails and think man I could go for some finger food right now? Sure licking some barbecue sauce a stray index finger is fine. But you need to know when to stop, and Cannibalism is never ok. Sure you may get going on a really nasty hang nail and think hey maybe I should kill my neighbor and grill him with up some pineapple mango sauce. But the answer is no! Sure he might be tender and delicious but that doesn't give you the right to marinate him in a red wine medley and slow roast him for a Sunday brunch that's just not ok. So try and think next time you decide to bite your nails that maybe just maybe you wont be able to stop with just one bite. You sick freak.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Contra The Later Years

In a rare tell all interview with the red guy:

As the 'guy in red pants' I was secondary to the 'guy in blue pants' I will never forget that day why did I decide to wear red pants WHY!

Why was it so hard to be the guy in red pants Commander?
You just don't understand as the guy in red I was expected to be the bottom guy, the one in the trenches swimming across motes as bridges exploded above me. Then there was the supply blimps.

What was so important about the supply blimps?

What was so important! What was so important! That was the guns man! The key to our survival but the Blue guy got them all! The Spread, the machine gun all of them! I was left to the single shot crap rifle! He kept insisting that I would get the next one but no! Oh I got that last one on accident how do you accidentally equip yourself with a new gun!!!

Commander Calm down please

Calm down! Calm down! WHY where we even there man? They just dropped us in the freaking jungle and guys where shooting at us like they knew we where coming it was some kind of sick joke.

Well its not like it was that hard with the code you know the up, down, left, right..

DON'T YOU SIT THERE AND SPIT CODE AT ME!!! Don't you think I know the code!? But you don't understand it's like crack man once you use the code you can't un use it. You find that you need it you can't do the missions without it. Its got a hold on you. You find yourself doing it every mission before the action even starts you start coding up. So do sit there and tell me it was easy! I spent 7 years in rehab to get rid of my code addiction.

I'm sorry I didn't know

Well you outta know man, you outta.

After that he spent 4 hours crying trying to hit select start

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Topics to avoid durring a massage

I get massages about once a month to help me deal with the no sleep and stress of the job. I figure that they must be pretty bored standing in a dimly lit room with a nude stranger in a towel listening to the same Enya song for the 30th time that day, so I try and make small talk. And with a bit of experience I have come up with a list of topics to avoid while professionally trained strangers poke at your highly sensitive pressure points.

1. Why they didn't get a job where they don't have to touch naked strangers while listening to Enya.

2. How often they have thought about killing a massage patient and hiding the body.

3. Anything to do with the little mermaid. (Don't ask)

4. Ranting about the music and how boring it is. This is a fact they are highly aware of and have most likely tuned out. Bringing this to their attention tends to open old forgotten issues and makes them want to hurt you.

5. Dead pets and why they miss them.

6. Why the name fluffy is a stupid name for a dead pet and why you think it probably deserved to die.

7. Never ask: "Have you ever made anyone cry with those mannish hands?" (this was a woman therapist)

8. For some reason I decided to talk about lemmings and how they where the predecessor to the suicide bomber (what!? I get bored sometimes)little did I know her husband was in Iraq. But you can make them blow themselves up you know.... the lemmings, I'm still talking about the lemmings.

9. How the game of tick tack toe is a lost art. This conversation has no where to go and will eventually lead you down the road of lemmings with suicidal tendencies.

10. And finally and most crucially never ever talk about massages from better massage therapists. Not only is it insulting it will as most of my massages do, only end it tears.

I think I might just start pretending to be mute of course if they know sign language all I know how to say is how 'bout those lemmings.

Monday, July 6, 2009

How to mock people and make enemies

Sometimes it's hard to see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Not because it's really far away but because it is guarded by a malicious leprechaun with a foot fetish and a hankering for human flesh. Sure he seems jolly but that's because he has a new sniper rifle and a cereal endorsement. So when the little fella gets you down and you can't seem to get to your gold do what I do. Mock others.

Step one: Know your target
You can just mock people at random but random acts of mockery generally go unnoticed in today's society. Try and find someone you know, however casually because when you are verbally assaulted by a friend it tends to hurt more.

Step Two: The Material
Don't pick something obvious like calling a fat person fat. They expect it. They have probably been fat for a very long time and have heard or thought about themselves far worse than your tiny brain can come up with. Calling them stupid on the other hand might just stick the landing.

Step Three: Advanced Mocking
The steps so far have been more like school yard bullying they are good stepping stones to advanced mocking but can easily be cast aside in today's bleak existence. If you really want to mock from the heart you have to be subtle. They have to think for a fleeting moment that you are actually trying to help them, before realizing that this is in fact a set up to a really great mocking. Let it sink in deep, let them come the realization slowly that they have been a complete and total moron and have been called on it. This will make they payoff so much more sweet and just might make it possible for you to get through your Tuesday. You know what? Never mind. Just forget it, you will probably just screw it up anyways.

Step Four: Not really a step but an afterthought
Remember to keep your head down as you army crawl towards the finish line memorizing what all those marshmallow shapes are, (don't forget the red balloons it could save your life) and take heart that there are people out there far worse off than you. Except you Dan you just suck. (Note if no Dan reads this please replace your own name with 'Dan' should you also suck. You know who you are!)

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Declaration of Independence 1st draft

Dear Thomas,
About the first draft of the Screw you England! Manifesto. We have some minor changes that we would like to see nothing major. The first section were you talk about everyone being equal maybe instead of "British Nancy boys need not apply" perhaps we could change it to all men are created equal. The title needs some work Instead of a manifesto we could make it a declaration and something about liberty or something. Um lets just scratch the whole 3 pages about King George III's mother and keep it on task. And why the hell is it so wordy? I mean half the people in the colonies can't read and the other half give up two paragraphs in. Don't think I didn't see the part that Washington snuck in near the end about becoming supreme ruler of the universe and everyone being required to wear white wigs. (whats that all about?) I put it to a vote and he is off the project his shenanigans and tendency to run away in combat wearing tights has not impressed the rest of the committee. Also tell John Hancock when we redo the next draft that his name is WAY to small I couldn't even read it tell him to man up already. And finally Tom try to write a little more legibly this time. Thanks

P.S. I just got a note from Washington he said that if we change his part then he isn't going to sign it. What a baby.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Blind date translation guide

When you are going to be set up by a friend here is a handy translation guide.

Sweet spirit: Needs to be buttered before going through a door (may come pre-buttered)

Anything your mother says: Wrong, and she obviously doesn't know your type but wants grandchildren at the earliest possible moment and this girl had nice wide birthing hips.

She is just your type: This is vengeance for the wrongs you have done to me.

Great conversationalist: She will literally bore you to death.

Really smart girl: There is no way she will like you.

No really she's cute: Still wears pig tails and not the sexy way.

Likes all the same things you do: She is a stalker

This is going to be really fun: My girlfriend wont go out unless I bring you for her friend.

You've never met a girl like her: She is going to committed at the end of the month.

Nice personality: She is protected by green peace as the last land walking whale.

I have no idea I am only setting you up because you are really desperate and she works in my office: Love at first sight.