Monday, July 6, 2009

How to mock people and make enemies

Sometimes it's hard to see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Not because it's really far away but because it is guarded by a malicious leprechaun with a foot fetish and a hankering for human flesh. Sure he seems jolly but that's because he has a new sniper rifle and a cereal endorsement. So when the little fella gets you down and you can't seem to get to your gold do what I do. Mock others.

Step one: Know your target
You can just mock people at random but random acts of mockery generally go unnoticed in today's society. Try and find someone you know, however casually because when you are verbally assaulted by a friend it tends to hurt more.

Step Two: The Material
Don't pick something obvious like calling a fat person fat. They expect it. They have probably been fat for a very long time and have heard or thought about themselves far worse than your tiny brain can come up with. Calling them stupid on the other hand might just stick the landing.

Step Three: Advanced Mocking
The steps so far have been more like school yard bullying they are good stepping stones to advanced mocking but can easily be cast aside in today's bleak existence. If you really want to mock from the heart you have to be subtle. They have to think for a fleeting moment that you are actually trying to help them, before realizing that this is in fact a set up to a really great mocking. Let it sink in deep, let them come the realization slowly that they have been a complete and total moron and have been called on it. This will make they payoff so much more sweet and just might make it possible for you to get through your Tuesday. You know what? Never mind. Just forget it, you will probably just screw it up anyways.

Step Four: Not really a step but an afterthought
Remember to keep your head down as you army crawl towards the finish line memorizing what all those marshmallow shapes are, (don't forget the red balloons it could save your life) and take heart that there are people out there far worse off than you. Except you Dan you just suck. (Note if no Dan reads this please replace your own name with 'Dan' should you also suck. You know who you are!)

1 comment:

Derek Bowles said...

Thank you! I knew I was missing something with making enemies and now I know!