Thursday, May 28, 2009

Things to remember part II

Remember it's never to late to say you're sorry.... So I guess it's time we talk about your cat. At least I used a dryer sheet.

Remember to always chew your food 30 times before you swallow unless you're a vampire then once is probably enough.

Remember to not sweat the small stuff... My doctor led with that before telling me that I had a micro tumor in my brain.

Remember a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush unless the bush is on fire then dinner is ready.

Remember that a diamond is forever and so is that look on your fiances face when she finds out what you did to her cat.

Remember a penny saved is a penny earned but a penny hurled from a great height is a deadly projectile.

Remember that a rolling stone gathers no moss but a stone rolled through human blood is exhibit B in your trial.

Remember that a watched pot never boils but in all honesty why would you try a boil a pot anyways? I mean its just a big piece of really hot metal and at the boiling point its not really a pot anymore so ya... Sorry I burned down your house I was trying to prove a point.

Remember that absents makes the heart grow fonder but an absent heart makes a man grow colder and eventually he starts to smell. I should check on my roommate....

Remember an apple a day keeps the doctor away... No seriously I think that guy is like some kind of hybrid Wicken hippie vampire cross breed that feeds on the souls of litter bugs and can't take a shower. That might just be Jimbo the homeless guy on the corner sometimes I get those two confused.

Remember that it's better to be a big fish in a small pond or a really gigantic super morphed mutant nuclear fallout fish that will change the food chain forever in the big pond.

Remember to cross that bridge when you come to it and don't burn your bridges because you're already suspected of killing your roommate and the jury isn't endeared to you because of the cat thing so unless you're going for the all out insanity plea arson is probably not your best bet right now.

Things to Remember

Remember when putting a cat in the dryer always use a dryer sheet otherwise they come out with static cling.... oh and dead.

Remember to look both ways when crossing the street, and look twice for an Adams apple before picking up a street walker.

Remember to always brush your teeth but never to brush your roommates teeth while he is sleeping.

Remember to never talk to strangers.... this policy did not endear me to my boss when I was a receptionist.

Remember to use the buddy system... it's always best to use a buddy you know otherwise it's a restraining order.

Remember if at first you don't succeed try, try again... That's why you always bring extra ammunition.

Remember the book about the little engine that could and repeat I think I can, I think I can when you are having difficulty doing something... You will often hear me saying this same thing if you are sitting in the stall next to me in the bathroom. Often followed by a chooo choooo!!! Curplunk.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Good vs. Evil

Lately there have been a rash of new games on the market that let you make new kinds of choices. The choices you make determine whether you become good or evil and that effects all sorts of things in the game. But sometimes these choices are hard to make and aren't always obvious. Like should I save the girl drowning in the lake or kill this box of kittens? What if killing the box of kittens makes it so that the evil pirates don't attack the town in search of cuddly new pets? See it's not as easy as it sounds. Like this one: should I go watch the street performer play or lay siege to the orphanage? I often wonder how they come up with such mind boggling simple choices. But moreover wonder why I always seem to turn out to be the most evil human being that ever existed and even demons tremble in my wake. I must just be unlucky or something I mean I had a 50/50 shot either way. Oh well I'm off to decide whether to save the villagers from a rampaging werewolf or to cause an avalanche that will destroy a convent.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Syden's weight loss advice

Many of my readers know that I am a bigger guy and have recently lost a lot of weight over 100 lbs last year in fact. But guess what I am still fat. I have a long way to go to get a six pack over a keg. I read these helpful tips for loosing weight probably written by a guy who weighs 90 lbs and eats what ever he wants and never seems to gain an ounce. I have made some comments on his excerpts.

1.Make sure and get a good nights sleep lack of sleep can cause the body to hold on to weight……I have been an insomniac for 17 years so screw you.

2.Limit your stress. High stress and long working hours are counter productive for weight loss…..As an IT Manager I unusually have to work long hours dealing with morons all day the only way to cut down on stress would be to cut them down and that is life in jail at best. Also I am tired and hungry if I had more stress my eye would pop out. Crap now my eye is starting to twitch.

3.Air conditioning that’s right it said that raising the temperature decreases appetite and that artificial cold is bad…..I work in a server room temp 60 degrees oh yeah and I am fat!!! We get HOT!!!!!!

4.Cardio work outs say to get your heart rate up to 65-85% of your maximum heart rate…..My heart is that of a fat man and walking to the stair machine does the heart rate for me if I run and get it to say 90% I will DIE!

5.Calories are needed for energy don’t cut to many……Screw you hippy! When I eat 1200 calories I don’t loose weight when I eat 2000 I don’t loose weight when I eat 200 guess what I LOOSE weight my body starts eating itself, that’s the idea as long as I make sure and take all the correct vitamins in the correct proportions to avoid malnourishment it works.

6.Try eating 6 times a day to boost your metabolism…. THAT’S HOW I GOT FAT IN THE FIRST PLACE DAMNIT!

7.Your attitude can play a huge part in loosing weight stay positive!.........I want to find the perfectly fit idiot who said this and punch him in the face. That would change my outlook on fitness for sure.

8.Keep a food journal……
Dear diary,
Today I ate some food it was not satisfying and I am really hungry love always,
Keeping a food journal is depressing as hell and reading a food journal will make you want to kill yourself

9.Set realistic goals for your weight loss……Setting realistic goals didn’t get me to loose 100 lbs in 8 months.

10.Your support system, surround yourself with positive influencing people…..This would mean that I would have to commit myself to an asylum where the men in white coats talk soothingly all the time. I live in the real world and as such if I want to go to say, the gym people are going to stare at the fat guy.

What I learned: people who have never been fat should not give advice. Now I get to go eat my 200-500 calories which by the way is the equivalent to half a PopTart.

Things I like to do in long meetings

Aka things you probably shouldn't do
When meetings start to run long as they do so often around here I like to keep myself entertained, mainly so I don't fall asleep as they drone on and on. So when you are bored to tears in your next company get together here are a few things to try.

Randomly interrupt the speaker with questions that have nothing to do with his or her department. Then apologize and ask them to continue this will often throw them so far off track that they will just sit down.

When someone is in a particularly long rant or speech wait for them to take a breath then stand up and start clapping. Often other coworkers who weren't paying attention will join in, keep clapping as you make your way to the door. Nothing ends a meeting faster than a standing ovation.

When people get bored they start to look around wait till the person next to you looks away then stare at them intently. When they look back jump a little and look shocked a small gasp will add to the effect. Most of the time this scares the hell out them.

"Drop your pen" under the table and quickly tie two coworkers shoelaces together or if you want deniability tie a coworkers shoelace to the chair they are siting in. You have to be fast and go unnoticed but when you pull it off the result is hilarious.

When you are called on use as many buzz words as you can in a sentence. Example: "I looked into synergizing the dynamic framework but found the immersion paradigm of the next generation software too simplistic. So I am being proactive in this particular enterprise for maximum empowerment so that there is no paradigm shift otherwise we might get to a tipping point, retroactively of course." Then smile look around haughtily and sit down. You will not have said a damn thing but no one will argue with you because they don't want to look stupid. (Note: I did this in my last meeting and my boss actually congratulated me after the fact for my productivity)

So with these in mind I have a meeting to go to.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Ikea: My Journey into hell

I like to read this in my old timey King Arther voice but the choice it really up to you.
It had been known to me for some time that something had to be done. I knew the answer and where to find it, but I swore I would never go back to that place not after the last time. But when certain doom approaches a man has to step up and do something or be left by the wayside. I knew what must be done, I would have to buy a new bookshelf. The old one was a rotting skeleton, a mere ghost of it's former glory. As all things it's time had passed and I knew the strain of a long life had taken it's toll. Books, the words of the dead lay scattered at it's feet there was no place for them in the dusty catacombs of the too full shelves. But I wanted to hold on as long as I could, I wanted to believe that the old guy had some life left in him, but I was wrong. He like so many others would have to be replaced. He knew it, I knew it, it was time. I would have to go to Ikea. The thought sent thrills of dread down my spine the journey there was a death march like passing over into a crueler world. It was almost dark, the worst time to face the beast but it could not be helped. (After all I had work in the morning.) I pulled into the parking lot it was almost full not a good sign. I made my way cautiously to the doorway it greeted me as an old friend mockingly allowing me entrance. It knew I would be back, it always knew. The crowd was a milling mass of mindless drones. They sang the song of the damned, the song of deals, and cubbyholes, of knickknacks, and throw pillows. It was already to late for them. I tried to hurry but the smell of rancid meatballs and the draining lights soon tired me. I tried to find the fastest path but it was a labyrinth designed to trap and confuse. I spent hours looking trying to keep my mind clear my goal in focus but it was getting harder. The great beast was wearing on me. But then I saw it ahead a sign post in that purgatory of good sense it read, "bookshelves ahead." This was it my journey would finally be over! But as I approached I knew the beast had bested me again. There where to many so many colors and styles some appealing some revolting but all in affordable prices. I had to make my choice and soon least I be stuck here forever. I hastened to the cause looking at options and sturdiness. It had to be the right one else all this would be for nothing. Then I saw it tucked away in the corner hiding from plain sight the perfect bookshelf! My journey was over I had defeated the beast at last my books the words of the dead could rest at ease. But not after standing in the checkout line for another hour and buying two pillows and storage box. Seriously that store is a freaking maze and I hate it.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Famous Zombie Quotes

I was reading some famous quotes yesterday and if you change the context that say the quote was coming from zombie Benjamin Franklin instead of well....alive Benjamin Franklin they get pretty funny. Some quotes have been slightly modified to fit our desire for human brains.

The mind is a terrible thing to waste....Mmmmmm brains
United Negro College Fund and brain bank

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. braaaaaaiiiins
Lord of the undead Sir Winston Churchill

Action is eloquence. (Zombie battle cry)
William (Billy the kid) Shakespeare

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough….Now die!
Zombie Albert Einstein

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind...the tasty, tasty mind.
Aristotle the unkind

All would live long, but none would be old...because we’re zombies.
Benjamin Franklin bifocal mutilator

Monday, May 18, 2009

Random thoughts of the day

I know it freaked you out when you saw me in a loin cloth with a baseball bat in your backyard the other day but I have a good excuse...

Why does every diet have to start on Monday and every pint of ice cream has to die on Sunday night at 11pm?

I sometimes like to imagine that I am a giant titan squashing woolly mammoths with my huge club. So I guess what I am trying to say is sorry about your cat.

I think I might need a girlfriend. Not just for the companionship but so that I don't look so weird sitting alone at Chick flicks.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Questions for everyman, and you.

Lonesome Dove = Happy pillow. Lets face it that bird was one tequila shooter from offing himself anyways. Mmm so soft.

Why can you have people cremated but not stuffed and made to look like zombies for Halloween decorations? I mean what kind of sick world do we live in where people like me can come up with stuff like this? Wait.....

Are people who are against abortion also against omelets because I never see them protesting at the I-Hop? And if they are not isn't that kind of specie-ist?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I'll show future me who's boss once and for all!

If I ever meet future me and he tells me that I need to do something to save mankind I don't think I'll do it. Because lets face it savior of humanity just doesn't get you as much action as you think it would and if all goes right then people would always be like 'the world probably would have been fine anyways.' So I say let em burn that will show them!

If we learned tomorrow that the internet causes cancer I think that would just make me search Wikipedia for confirmation. Then possible cures to the problem on webMD and then when all else failed I could order a tomb stone and burial plot from ebay.

When I get old I hope that I get Alzheimer's then I can rewatch all my favorite T.V. shows as if for the first time. It's gonna be great! I can't wait to see Firefly for the first time again I am going to be so excited.

Have you ever wondered why the ABC's song and twinkle twinkle little star have the exact same tune?

I would like to believe that life on other planets is not only possible but that they have seen us and decided not to mess with us. Because we will cut you !@$#$!

At first we believed that the world was flat, then round, I think that it was a square that got a sexy new look as a birthday present from a secret atomic admirer.
Why can't you love her for who she is on the inside!? A burning inferno of love under extreme pressure with a crusty outer core! That reminds me I need to call that girl back.

Remember that you are alone so very alone. This saying wouldn't have been so sad if it hadn't been scribed on the inside of my last birthday card and signed love Grandma.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My Morning

When coming off of heat exhaustion and going on 1 1/2 hours of sleep everything is just more interesting. This picture perfectly explains my morning.

The funny thing is I couldn't eat anything because they wouldn't stop screaming

My 4 day weekend

Sorry no posts on Friday and yesterday I had a rather interesting weekend.

My Brother lets me know that he is broken down in the deserts of California and that his engine is blown. We have family a few hours away so he gets a ride but is stuck needing to be in Utah (where I am from) as soon as possible. Well he starts looking into buying himself a new truck but can't find exactly what he is looking for. So I decided to help him out, Utah has a much better selection to choose from and soon I am at a dealership for 6 hours hammering out a good deal. So because he is not there to sign anything I put it all in my name so I can drive the truck off the lot and get going to save my stranded brother.
I drive the 12 hours to California.
Spend some time getting things in order like getting the load we need to haul back (the reason he was there in the first place.)
Head out early to go get his actual car. Luck would have it that his car is towing a trailer big enough that his old car will fit on it. Bad luck the trailer hitch pin is not the right size for the new truck. So we spend an hour at a gas station asking everyone with a truck if we can buy theirs off of them. Now we have the pin we hook up the fully loaded trailer and we are off a lot later than we had anticipated and the few hours it takes to get everything situated in the 110 degree weather has given me the onset of heat stroke.
20 miles down the road, still Sunday:
We hear an explosion and realize we have just shredded a trailer tire. With the seven thousand pound load we are hauling it takes us a bit of time and cunning to actually change the tire. But now we are without a spare tire and with our luck so far that is just not sitting well. So we find a place in Baker California (tire blow out center of the universe) that will come in after hours charge us our first born child but get us a new tire.
Late at night, still Sunday:
By the time we get to Vegas it is midnight and I am still suffering from the sun exhaustion so we decide to get a room and head out the next morning.
I am supposed to be back at work but am still in Vegas. Towing a heavy load and feeling a little sick. We don't pull into Utah until 6 but still have to go to the dealership to redo all the paper work so that my brothers new truck is not still in my name. My brother regales at least 5 people at the dealership with our epic story the process takes 3 times longer than it needed to. By 8 I am finally at home but have to go into work and take care of some things so I don't get to bed till around 2:30
My alarm goes off at 5 I stare at it knowing the loathing that it must have for me that it likes to hurt me this way.
Still Tuesday:
Get on blog at work and let people know why I have not been posting.
Right now:
Reread this and realize it is almost as long as my weekend but decide to post it anyways.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

You have died of dysentery

As a child in grade school like many of you I played Oregon Trail. I learned the joys of history, how to literally push your family to death, and why you should always go into the wilderness with no food at all and plenty of ammo. With these valuable life lessons and of course the upset stomach I have today I bring you the following.

Always make sure your food is cooked and thoroughly scared.

When going in a public place make sure and bring a pocket knife, paper clip, and some duct tape. I don't know how those would help in this situation I just know Macgyver always seemed to have them on him.

And when the dysentery finally does kill you as we learned in Oregon Trail make sure and have a backup plan.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

An ode to Twitter

My boss asked me about twitter yesterday he keeps reading that Opera, congress, and his next door neighbor are all on twitter. He asked for my honest opinion about it, this is what I sent him. He hasn't responded yet but I did notice he scheduled a meeting with HR. I love my job.

An Ode To Twitter
I went to twitter to post some tweats
That no one honestly cares to read
Random crap about my day
How I was bored on the freeway
How cool is this? I exclaim!
Every moment no matter how lame
Now you can read about my number two,
my grocery list, and my trip to the zoo
Every second I can add a tweat
I know what your thinking what a wonderful treat
Well your wrong, no seriously!
I could give a rats ass where you would rather be
I don't care that you stubbed your toe,
or how fast your nails grow
If you have something to say call my phone,
send me a text, or leave me alone!
Twitter you bastard you've doomed us all!
This will be how mankind falls!
If you want to tell me about your trip to Prague
Shut the hell up and get a blog.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Random Tuesday Thoughts

Why do they call it shampoo instead of head soap or hair cleaner? I just try and avoid anything with the word poo in it.

Cave men discovered fire Einstein discovered relativity. E=MC'2 is quite famous but stick+stick=meat cooker just doesn't get the credit I think it should.

Yogurt is a bacterial reaction that you add fruit to and it turns something kind of gross into something great. Maybe we should take this approach with cancer and give it a funny hat or something.

My work did not go for the 4/10's idea I had, where you work 4 days at 10 hours and take Fridays off. I think my plan for 2/20's might just aggravate them.

I sometimes feel like I am seeing life through a sort of haze, a thick smoke that makes the future hard to see. My arresting officer said it was probably just the arson fire.

Fire can clean, it can renew a forest, it can sterilize surgical equipment, but it can't bring back Grandma in fact it does the opposite.

Monday, May 4, 2009

How to be an IT Manager or how to look busy

As an IT manager I have a lot of responsibilities that involve making sure that things run as efficiently and smoothly as possible. But what people don't understand is that when I come up with new and innovative ways to make their jobs easier I do the same for me. So when it comes down to it 90% of my job is now automated. Programs that used to take me hours to do are now in easy scripts that take me minutes. Processes that took most of a day are being done on scheduled timers automatically at night, which basically means that I am bored. I have made my job so efficient that I have nothing to do. Now I do spend a lot of time researching new ways to do things, learning new programs, and trying out anything to help things go even smoother. But there is only so much you can do before you are being so efficient that there is little to no room for improvement. I am now a fire marshal I am just waiting for a fire so I can go and put it out. This however gives people the wrong impression. You see it comes down to simple perception. People don't understand my job so they think that I am being lazy. When in fact I had more overtime last year than everyone in two departments combined. And if something does go wrong I often have to work the entire weekend to make sure things are tip top by Monday so that no one else is put out. So I have a delicate balance to maintain. If other departments think I have nothing to do then they will give me more of their work load. That's fine I don't mind helping but when a problem does arrive and it takes me all day to fix it then things fall behind because they are depending on me to do their work and everything goes to crap. So I have to look busy all the time to make sure that things don't go horribly, horribly wrong. Trust me and ask any IT guy he will tell you the same. I know it sounds like I am rambling but you need to understand. When I have work to do it is an insane amount and usually needs to be done right that second. So now I finally get to my point how to look busy when you have nothing to do.
1. Look annoyed at all times: people who are busy are usually upset about it and it's important to look the part.
2. Simple problems usually fix themselves so stall for time: How many times have you called your tech guy and then it miraculously started working? People make mistakes, as much as they don't want to admit it. So when someone calls me with an email that wont send or a speaker that isn't working I always answer the same way. "Can you give me just a second I will be there as soon as I can, I just need to finish this first?" This gives the illusion that you are doing something really important you wait 10 minutes then go, 99.9% of the time the problem has been resolved by the time you get there. This lets them save face because you didn't walk up and just push a button, which makes them feel stupid. And when you are working on something critical they will be used to waiting for a minute and not get really annoyed that you didn't come right away.
3. People skills: When someone asks me to fix say an email that wont send then tells me about a strange pop up they got three weeks ago and how the two are probably related I always pretend to listen. Most people are computerly stupid and if it happened on the computer then of course it relates to everything else that happened on the computer. I even pull up a command prompt and pretend to check a vital system then try and explain that thanks for letting me know but no those aren't related. This gets hard to do after a few years on the job and that's why most IT guys seem like they are one Mountain Dew and explanation away from buying a gun and coming back to destroy those who oppose them. But people skills are important because you need to pretend that you care.
4. Maintenance denial: Computers need basic maintenance just like a car needs oil changes. Files get corrupted things slow down and if not taken care of somewhat regularly then small problems like an oil leek turn into big problems like your engine seizing up and having to get a new one. But if I so much as lay a hand on your computer then everything you do for the next month that doesn't work will be blamed on what I did to your machine. If you don't know what I am doing then you assume that I am sabotaging you for some unknown reason. So to get around this only do maintenance when others aren't around early in the morning, or late at night, when they are on vacation, or quickly while they are at lunch. Never let them see you doing something to their computer that they don't understand why. But make sure that someone else knows you are doing it. Make reports to your superiors that all computers are up to date, use buzz words like synergy, optimized, and, enhanced. They wont know what the hell you are talking about anyways so you might as well make it sound good. This lets them know that you are doing something when it seems like everything is going fine.
5. Meetings: Take meetings, go to meetings, and say something at every meeting. This lets people think that you care about what is going on. Who knows you might actually pick up something useful at a meeting once and a while like what internet sites to block. Meetings are the universal way to make people think that you are big and important and most of all busy that is why executives have a lot of meetings. Then you can say things like "sorry Bill I am so swamped I have to skip this meeting," when you have things to actually do and it makes you seem extra busy.

I hope this has helped you understand the keys to being an effective IT Manager

Friday, May 1, 2009

Ah the joys of IT Managing

So as an IT Manager every now and then I get a fun message at 11:00 at night. It says something like critical error and I have to get out of the bed I was pretending to sleep in and drive to work. Why you ask? Say it's my mail server, if my coworkers and bosses loose even one email I have given them ammo to complain about even more things then they already do, and a reason not to work. Since it is my goal in life to give them no excuse what so ever for them to not do their jobs I have to take care of the problem day or night. Now it's 3 am I am still here and probably will be for another few hours. Ah the joys of IT Management.