Thursday, April 30, 2009

New Diet Fad that realy works!

I have been wanting to get on the diet fad band wagon for a long time now. Not the loose weight side of it, the making money off of people with low self esteem part. My plan is simple and has 5 steps.
Step 1: Enroll in my eating guide plan helper thing and pay me money.
Step 2: Buy the crappy food I found in the back of my fridge that I tell you is healthy
Step 3: Buy some snack food bars that is basically peanut butter rolled in something sticky. But only the ones I sell.
Step 4: Pay me more money to join the super platinum members club
Step 5: Give me a great testimonial because you are to embarrassed to admit that you payed me way to much money for something that didn't work. Then tell all your friends it's great.

I will be a millionaire by Christmas.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Animal cookie-itus the silent killer

Swine flu has been in the news recently along with bird flu, mad cow, and crazy chicken. I may have just made up that last one but who would know? It got me wondering what animal illness they will come up with next to shock us into hating pets. It always seems to be news when some animal illness kills someone but the regular people flu has an estimated 63,730 annual deaths attributed to influenza and pneumonia. Was it a slow news day? Why do these stories always seem to make the front page. In other words you are more likely to be hit by a bus on your way to work than to get swine flu and die. They should do a shocking story on the upswing of people that choked to death on animal cookies and call it animal cookie-itus what the cookie company is not telling you, story at 10. I guess they are tired of talking about the recession so they decided to scare all these out of work people to death by telling them that there is a rampant case of some unknown virus sweeping the nation, and oh by the way we are rubbing it in that you don't have health insurance anymore. Ya, that should cheer people up. Perhaps next time they can show the dangers of owning puppies and how leprechauns are the reason that your bank failed. Thanks credible news sources and until next time this is Syden Insomniac good night, and good luck.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Calling in sick

So in this age of super communication calling in sick is a whole new thing. I have to text my boss, then text the people who are going to be at the office first, then send an email to make sure that my boss knows because he might not check his text in the first place. Then because I am the IT Manager that might not matter anyways because if something breaks they are going to call me on my cell so I can remote into their computer to fix it. So really staying home from work is just saying 'I am going to work from home today.' Sometimes I wish I was back in pioneer days. If I didn't show up I was probably dead. Of course back then things like diarrhea and the common cold killed people. So the question becomes how much do I not want to be disturbed when lying in bed trying to keep whats on the inside well.....inside? Ya I think I would rather die then try and talk another salesman through how to get his email while holding my head on in hopes that it wont explode from the pain because he is in the wrong mail box again. But on second thought then I wouldn't have as many readers if I had to carve all these random semi meaningless thoughts on a tree outback. Oh well back to bed...

Friday, April 24, 2009

ADD Managers

I have been reading about ADD lately (you know Attention deficit disorder) and was wondering if we really should be treating it? Now ADD is most apparent in children under 7. Really your child under 7 has problems paying attention really! But seriously I realize that this is a disease and all, but just listen to the symptoms.

•Often fails to pay close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork or other activities
•Often has trouble sustaining attention during tasks or play
•Seems not to listen even when spoken to directly
•Has difficulty following through on instructions and often fails to finish schoolwork, chores or other tasks
•Often has problems organizing tasks or activities
•Avoids or dislikes tasks that require sustained mental effort, such as schoolwork or homework
•Frequently loses needed items, such as books, pencils, toys or tools
•Can be easily distracted
•Forgetful often

Now think about those for a minute. Not only dose every child I have ever met under the age of 7 have these symptoms but let’s look at it in a different light for a moment these Kids are the managers of tomorrow.

•My Manager often fails to pay close attention to details or makes careless mistakes then blames it on me.
•My Manager often has trouble sustaining attention during meetings and work hours.
•My Manager seems to listen only to himself and I have found that if I do not use to much vulgarity I can pretty much say what ever I want because his brain literally shuts off until it is his turn to talk again.
•My Manager has difficulty following through and he gives incomplete instructions; example: go to the supply warehouse and get me the um… boxed thing I enjoy so much.
•My Manager often has problems with organizing tasks and activities and is always late and leaves early unless golf is involved then he reverses the order and arrives early and leaves late.
•My Manager avoids tasks that require sustained mental effort and will do anything to put them off such as reports and employee evaluations.
•My Manager frequently loses needed items, such as books, pencils, TPS reports, his snack pudding, and payroll hours then sends me out to get him more / makes me work overtime to finish them.
•My Manager can easily be distracted by golf, shinny things, jiggling keys, and the thought of coming to work.
•My Manager never remembers any part of a conversation that did not involve his new pro putter 7000 with the new titanium shaft, GPS tracking module, and laser guided hole projector, with the baby skin custom grip.

So I am not sure that I should treat my child for ADD otherwise he might turn out to be hard working and not the least bit qualified to be a manager.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

What shamwow is not telling you

The sham wow is that super absorbent German engineered product that has funny infomercials. So sleep deprived as I was I decided to give it a try. Here are a few things that the sham wow did not do so well.

Diaper: It is supposed to be super absorbent so I put one on a two year old fed him 15 bananas, a bran muffin, and 4 fiber shakes. While it did absorb most of the final product it gave the kid a rash and now after several cleanings still smells.

Unusual cleanup: The sham wow completely failed to clean up all of the human blood I needed it to 8 quarts is a lot and the sham wow just doesn't have what it takes.

Blanket: To small

Sweat Band: It did surprisingly well as a sweat band except for the fact that after the work out when rung out it gives you everything back it absorbed and that's a lot of sweat to deal with.

Tampon: In a jam I guess it would do ok but don't expect to get all the blood out.

Wash Cloth: Who wants to pay 20 bucks for a wash cloth.

Pirate ship sail: It did not hold the wind very well, didn't have a skull on it, and is far to small to act as a sail. I will write the company.

Cape: The sham wow did stretch enough to tie around a neck but did not have the cape feel I was looking for.

Nuclear waste: Absorbent yes. Super mutant absorbent no.

Gas siphon: Tie 6 or so sham wow's together then use a wire hanger to force it into a gas tank and pull out ring out and walla! Free gas.

Except now my sham wow is rapidly degrading, smells like gas and poo, is pinkish stained, exhibit A in the trial, and is highly flammable. Not a great product folks.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Bathroom etiquette 101 men addition.

Bathroom etiquette 101 men addition.

1. Urinals: When in the bathroom you are not permitted to stand at the urinal when someone else is at the one adjacent to it. If you find yourself in a situation where the only free urinal is next to one being used then hold it or go into a stall. The only exception to this rule is if the urinals have the slight fake walls on both sides then pee were you may.
2. Conversation: It is never ok to talk in the bathroom when you or the subject of your comment is touching porcelain or is unzipped. This means that yes when we are both washing our hands a polite hello is acceptable. Anything other than programed response answers is still not allowed under any circumstances. Example "whats up?" is still ok because I can force a smile and nod but something like "did you see Lost last night?" IS NOT OK. You can wait till we are outside the bathroom to talk about Sawyers latest nickname.
3. Cell Phones: If your phone rings in the bathroom it is ok to ignore it completely let it ring, if for some reason you don't like your ringer you may push the button to make it stop ringing. YOU MAY NOT ANSWER IT. If I call you and I hear grunting the background we can no longer be friends. Do not squat and talk not ever not even to call your sick wife. You can do that from the hall. The phone rings to tell you that the heart you have been waiting for is ready for transplant, YOU ZIP UP GO OUTSIDE AND TAKE THE CALL.
4. Eye contact: While eye contact is ok and even encouraged in public relations. This rule does not apply in the bathroom. Never make eye contact I dont care if that guy in the office that shares your floor thinks you have autism keep your eyes to yourself in the bathroom!
5. Sounds: Sometimes you have to make sounds when dropping he kids off at the pool. If you find yourself in a situation where this is unavoidable use these rules. If you are alone go nuts the walls can shake for all I care. If you are interrupted by a casual pee-er go silent mode until they leave guys are fast. Courtesy flushes are not only a nice way of getting rid of a smell but can mask your ghastly sound try and flush before epic attempts at world records. If someone is sitting in a stall also making cable then it is ok to both make sounds as long as you follow the above rules. And yes it is ok to pretend you are not in a stall and lift your feat when your boss comes in a exclaims "Oh God what is that smell!"

If you have any questions about the above do not ask in the bathroom.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Online Dating

Lately for kicks I have been making up fake profiles and posting them on dating sites to see if I can get responses. Here is one I posted 2 days ago

Username: notafreakingpsycho23
Birthday: March ?? ???? I’m not sure the exact year but I know it was a while ago ‘cause I can’t seem to remember it at all.
Education: N/A
Occupation: N/A
Favorite Color: Red but only if it looks like blood
Hobbies: Pretending, dreaming, dreaming about pretending, and pretending to be dreaming.
Pets: I used to have a cat but he got locked in the oven on lasagna night. And my tape worm frank

About me:
Hello my name is Toby my favorite pastime is practicing smiling in the mirror. Sometimes I go to old folks home and smile at them until they ask me to leave. My big goal is to no longer look so creepy when I am smiling. Old people look like wrinkled peanuts I wonder how salty they are.

I was raised in the commune with the other soldiers of god by my Dad and my 17 moms we learned lots of great things like shooting, skinning small animals, and making moon shine in the old tub out back. I was there till I was 9 and was traded to the government as a show of good faith. Hmm I wonder how that turned out.

My Ideal Partner:
I am looking for a woman with wide child bearing hips and real hair. I had a girlfriend once named rain she lived in forest behind the government holding center and used to sing to tree frogs for blessing from the great mother. I stopped seeing her after the doctor adjusted my medication. So now that I am out I don’t take it anymore in hopes she will come back

I live really close to the train and like to shout wooo woooo when it goes past ever three hours.

My Ideal Date:
I would take you some place really fancy like McDonalds and let you get whatever you wanted. If you got hungry later you could try some of my squirrel stew but that’s more of a second date kind of thing.

My Favorite music:
I think that music is from Satan except maybe Linkin Park they are pretty good.

Favorite Movies:
I have never seen a movie up close but sometimes I sneak into my neighbors back yard and watch their TV from the bushes. You can’t hear but its more fun to make up the words anyways. My favorite TV show is friends when I do the voices for them it’s just like living on the commune.

Favorite books:
I enjoy reading the things written on the sides of the train when it passes but it goes real fast so sometimes I hurt my neck trying to look at it so quick.

So if you are interested in bearing children, learning combat skills, and know your amendment rights I am the guy for you.

Conversation Translated

I work with a lot of girls and I realized that what I say is not always what they hear. So I came up with this handy translation guide.

What I said: Good Morning
What you heard: I don’t care enough about you to notice that you’re wearing new shoes

What I said: Hey do you have that report for me?
What you heard: You are incompetent and fat and I hate you and everything you do here.

What I said: You look nice today.
What you heard: You looked like crap yesterday

What I said: I’m going to lunch, be back in an hour.
What you heard: You need to loose weight and I am throwing it in your face by not inviting you to lunch even though I have never before invited you to lunch. Which means that I have always thought that you where fat, oh and I hate you.

What I said: Hey great job on that report.
What you heard: I am mocking you and think that you’re incompetent.

What I said: I’m out of here have a great night.
What you heard: Even though you’re supposed to work two more hours today because I was so insulting today wait 5 minutes after I leave then go home.

Ya My car didn’t start and I saw you leave the parking lot.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Uncomfortable Plot Summaries

I don't normally cop out and plug other sites but I found this LIST very funny. Some of my favorites are Lord of the Rings, Cheers, and Frankenstein. Seriously check it out. Also to my girl readers should defiantly read Pride and Prejudice review lol fantastic!

Friday, April 17, 2009

Really Random Thoughts... No seriously

The worst sound in the world is when you turn the roll of toilet paper in the public bathroom it lets out the torment screech of a thousand souls and you realize there is nothing left.

I like outdoors fun so I went to buy a Frisbee but when the salesman saw me he would only sell me a boomerang. Stupid insightful salesmen who know that I don’t have any friends to throw things to!

It bothers me slightly that with a minimal amount of training a monkey could do my job. In fact he would probably have better people skills.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Dehydrated potatoes the silent killer.

Is buying liquid soap is just charging me for adding water, or is buying bar soap charging me for taking it out?

Dehydrated potatoes will kill you if snorted. In memory of Billy you earned that 5 dollar bet my friend. Now you'll be betting with angels. Also everyone looked at me funny at the wake for bringing funeral potatoes. Oh I just got that.....

I think that people should be more honest, then at least I would know why I was creeping you out that one day. Was it the camera or the fact that you found me in the crawl space wearing a Franky says relax t-shirt? Because I have other shirts!

I read this saying the other day: "You were born a winner! After all you were the fastest sperm." This was of course coined by a man. Then I thought about what it would say if a woman came up with it, and then all of my failed relationships came into focus. It goes like this: You where sitting there minding your own business when you where assaulted by billions of man particles trying to make you into something you weren't. Now it's pay back time!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I came, I saw, I got bored and went home early

Rainy days always make me think of that one time that I peed off of a cliff, and it makes me realize. God must really be up there and it looks like he had another big gulp.

My dad bought me a new video game called homicide, it was a gun with a broken extension cord taped to the end of it. The instruction book was just a napkin with a name written on it. It was really realistic the guy I had to kill on my first mission even looked like my dads boss. I am waiting for part two to come out it's called conviction and life in jail.

Girls don't like it when I stare at them but they don't seem to like it when I ignore them either. So my new method is making eye contact for exactly 15 seconds then I run screaming from the room. So far I think its working.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Funny lazy

Don't you hate it when you just don't feel funny. So I leave you with a few really funny pictures.

Monday, April 13, 2009


Make sure and have deviled eggs on Easter you know to represent all the paganism of a possessed bunny with magical powers who craps colored eggs onto your lawn. Otherwise he will sick his flying friend with a tooth fetish to come into your room at night and drool over you while you sleep then feel guilty and leave some money under your pillow, but only after stealing a tooth as a memento of your time together. I love the holidays.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


So I have been trying to figure out how to breach this very delicate subject. I vote that we change the way we look at women and that special time they have once a month dubbed the period. When one thinks of a period they think of finality period suggests that something is over. But as we all know a period is just the beginning so I vote that from now on we call the period the exclamation point!
Wikipedia gives us this definition: An exclamation point is a punctuation mark: ! It is usually used after an interjection or exclamation to indicate strong feelings or high volume, and generally marks the end of a sentence. A sentence ending in an exclamation mark is either an actual exclamation ("Wow!", "Boo!"), a command ("Stop!"), or is intended to be astonishing in some way ("They were the footprints of a gigantic hound!")
Now read the definition again and think about it as a womanly thing. Strong feelings, high volume, Wow!, Boo!, for the love of all that’s holy STOP! That’s right it perfectly describes this delicate time and the frame of reference that all men should have towards it. Marking it as a period is just unfair. So I vote that all men everywhere begin to call it the exclamation point (just not anywhere your wife can hear you).

Monday, April 6, 2009

My Best Date ever

My best date ever.

She showed up an hour late which was ok I understand that girls like to get dressed up. And wearing those sweat pants that say juicy stretched across the back where probably pretty hard to squeeze into. We had a bit of a drive to restaurant I thought we could talk but she decided to text some friends. We got to the restaurant late got seated in the back and the server didn't bring us hardly any food. But it was good because instead of talking during the meal she decided to text some friends. We left I was hungry. Arrived at the comedy club were we where assaulted by the who's who of the most non funny comedians in all the land. They gathered near and far to bore the living crap out of me. My date didn't seem to mind or notice because she spent the night texting. When it was finally over we decided to end the night but it was alas not to be. Because my car was gone. It had been towed so after about an hour and a half of getting the run around with the tow truck guy. He decided to generously give me my car back for the low low cost of 200 dollars. I drove her back to her car where she promised to text me. Of that I have no doupt.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Random thoughts return of the randomness

Make a man a fire he will be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Ahab had his whale I have my dignity. Some things where just not meant to be. At least I don't run around with a half naked Indian... well not anymore.

Croquet teaches girls a bad lesson, it is never ok to step on two balls that are close together and hit them with a mallet to see if one will go really far. Ya try not to think about this one :)

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Honesty is the best policy

Honesty is the best policy; Policy subject to change without notice.

Tex-Mex should be changed to: sorry about that whole Alamo thing want some steak?

Politicians should have a 10% pay cut for every lie they tell while campaigning and a 5% for each lie told in office. The proceeds will go to balancing the budget all constituents found to be below 0% will have all or their property and assets seized then will be summarily shot. Or at least that's whats behind the slogan I am running on in 2012. Honesty or death.

What came first the chicken cordon blue or the Omelet? This will decided the age old question of feathers or eggs.

And finally an internet safety tip in the form of this picture