I would like to take a moment to apologize for some of my IT brethren out there sometimes we get a bit cross with you and I would like to explain some reasons why.
1. That time you spilled barbeque sauce on your laptop then tried to fix it with really absorbent dinner rolls I am sorry I yelled at you.
2. When you download enough porn on your work computer to make a trucker blush then got upset when a virus rampaged through your computer. I was having a bad day and got cross with you that was my fault sorry.
3. I understand that your computer only seems to do this when your aunt May from Kentucky calls but that really has nothing to do with the problem.
4. Just because it doesn't work for you does not mean that the world is having this problem too.
5. Remember that time I asked what the problem was and you went on for an hour and a half about how your life is falling apart and this computer thing is the last straw. That was my fault I should have been more clear. What I meant to ask was what is the problem you called me from my office to help you fix with this computer and no others and only that problem?
6. I didn't make want to make you feel stupid when I talked to you like a third grader who just wet his pants. I just assumed that because I had told you every two days for the past year how to do this that I needed a new approach to teaching, that was my bad next time I'll try treats.
7. I know that you thought your computer needed to cool down so you put ice cubes on top of it. That was very thoughtful but now it is smoking and I need to look at it.
8. That thing I got mad at you for I will try and explain you see it is a CD tray and is only for putting CD's into. So when you use it as a drink holder I get a bit tiffed. I know you don't use that many CD's but still this is why they don't work anymore.
9. I realize that when your YouTube video isn't working that is frustrating but that doesn't mean that the internet is not working when everything else is still fine but I guess I could call them and ask them what happened to the video of the monkey baby falling asleep. It's not like I do anything anyways so I will put all of that stuff aside and call the Youtube guy right now give me a few hours to work on that.
10. When I said try restarting your computer and you told me you already did that like 10 times and then I restarted it and it worked, I am so sorry about that.
11. When I said I hate you! Then tried to stab you with a pen, don't take offense. I just didn't like it when you got our email server blackballed as a spam server for sending that "very funny email" to everyone you know and all of their friends 40 times because it was just that funny. And then I had to spend 4 days fixing the problem while everyone else in the office including you yelled at me because email wasn't working, for that I am sorry. Also good news you might get back the privileged to send emails again very soon.
12. When you said your computer wasn't working and wouldn't tell me what wasn't working and worked on it all day and then I got frustrated. I should have known that solitaire game options had changed it is my problem I should have been more aware and I am sorry.
13. When you tried to move your computer by yourself because 'it didn't look good under that desk' then you destroyed all of the USB ports on the back by not unplugging anything. And I tried to cut your brake line 'to see how you liked it' that was wrong I apologize. Also I am sorry that none of your USB ports are not working I will get right on that.
14. When you called me racist because I gave you a white keyboard and I stared at you until you cried I am sorry I will look into getting you a black one or whatever ethnicity of keyboard you are comfortable with.
15. Each time I pass you now and scowl with burning eyes of hate for all the unnecessary things you have made me do over the years I am sorry you are my boss and I should show a little more respect. Whats that you did what to your motherboard?
P.S. I hate you