Friday, February 6, 2009
Act 25: Valentines Day
Valentines Day is a time of Love, a time for relationships, to snuggle up by a warm fire her in that little black dress while turtle doves coo their love song from the rafters. Well I have news for you: Turtle doves have sharp beaks, that dress you love so much is not fire resistant, and Valentines Day was invented by cracked out sycophants. Who else could come up with free love, candy hearts, and a naked flying baby with a bow and arrow? Someone tripping on a freak acid trip that’s who. Now I have spoken of these non shoe wearing social deviants before. Many of you know that I like to refer to this subculture as ‘damned dirty hippies.’ But all prejudice aside, setting all of my hate on the back burner. I say this with an unbiased opinion. Every hippie involved in the creation and propagation of this holiday must die. I refuse to bend over once again and take the chocolate coated, fluffy bunny, candy heart, anal probe that is Valentines Day. Enough is enough. I know that those little white candy hearts that say things like: be mine, maybe tonight, PETA 4EVR, down with the government, and kiss me, are just fossilized globs of Pepto-Bismol with white food coloring. It is the only way that you could handle the nausea of this touchy feely, chick flick strewn, diarrhea rhetoric, diabetes causing, holiday. I am a lone man calling you out Saint Valentine! I won’t stand this mother of all non holidays anymore. On a much unrelated side note I will be all alone this holiday eating my way through a solid chocolate heart the size of my head and thinking of all of the couples that I hate. But that in no way affects my opinion of the crap fest that is Valentines Day. Unless I find a date that is then disregard this post.