Hiatus

Work is super busy so I am taking a Hiatus from blog posting for a while.
If You have thoughts you'd like to see for future posts please leave a comment.

The Very modle of a modern Major Techie guy

In my mind it is set to the The Pirates of Penzance Major General song.

I am the very model of a modern major techie guy
I work on computers all day and night trying to make them not die
I know the codes of sql, java, php, and the language of the internet.
Which makes my humor sometimes socially inept
And when I ROFL on the floor at something that I have just seen
I log on to Facebook, mail, and my blog, to link the screen
I am a geek so proudly and hope that you would join our ranks
Otherwise we’ll mock you Noob hold on a sec I have to tank
So what I am saying might sound somewhat weird to you
But I love my geekdom it’s not just a job I have to do
I logic out the problems that would probably make your head explode
And yes restart your computer and your outlook will surely load
Now I have to code a while to make something that you did alright
Don’t worry ‘bout the overtime I don’t really sleep at night
As long as managers continue to act this way I know I’m great
I’ll have job security for I have their mistakes on my plate
My schedules full for now and it won’t change anytime soon
Because I have all the passwords and that would spell their doom
It is so great to be a modern major techie guy
And if you piss me off I’ll hack the nukes and we all will die
So be nice to your IT they know your secretes in and out
We read your email listen to your calls so please have no doubt
We could destroy you but we choose to sit quietly
We need these paychecks to pay the WOW subscription fees
So have no fear your safe from all us modern major techie guys
As long as you leave us alone we’ll promises to make it look like we try.

I am sorry I killed your cat, so what are you doing later?

If you fall down the stairs but on a fast moving escalator would you just keep falling forever?

If Ducklings are baby ducks then I don't think I am going to eat dumplings anymore.

You park on a driveway and drive on a parkway what I guess I am trying to say in a roundabout way is that I am sorry I killed your cat. I found out later that this was not an appropriate time to ask her out on a date.

I thought that clowns where supposed to be cheerful fun loving people they seemed pretty somber at my Fiances Dads funeral (see Questions Every Man has to ask himself Feb 17. I don't know maybe they where still mad at me for pretending to push them off the curb at the wake and laughing.

Ever get set up on a blind date and find out that she is a saleswoman named Mindy? The night was going fine till I called her Steve. (see Phun on the Fone Feb 18)

Phun on the Fone

As the IT Manager at my job I often get solicited by all kinds of sales people cold calling and trying to sell me something. This is one of those conversations.

Saleswoman Mindy: Hello is this Syden
Syden: Yes.... Who is this?
Saleswoman Mindy: Hi my name is Mindy and I have an exciting offer for you from somecrapywebsite.com. Let me ask you do you do all the purchasing for your company?

(A bit of back story now this is the sixth call I have received from this company and they all use the same script my previous attempts to get on their do not call list have all failed. So this time I was prepared.)

Syden: Why yes I do Steve and I would love to find some kind of helpful website to aid me in my decision making process.
Saleswoman Mindy: Great and my name was Mindy by the way, we can help you with all of your needs the services...
Syden: Wait did you say your name was Mindy Steve? That seems like a strange name when did you have it changed?
Saleswoman Mindy:*completely thrown off by the interruption* What no my name is Just Mindy not Mindy Steve.
Syden: Oh I am sorry I thought you said Steve hey do you guys sell car insurance too?
Saleswoman Mindy: Wait what?.... No we just sell computer parts... in fact we have some great offers right now.
Syden: Hmm do you know anyone who does sell car insurance because I am looking to save some money?
Saleswoman Mindy: No I'm sorry I don't we just sell computer parts and help you make the best purchase decisions for your company.
Syden: Oh I'm sorry Jessica that was a dumb question. Could you help me decide what to put into say a server?
Saleswoman Mindy: *Pauses for a minute* Yes we could do just that.
Syden: What, oh I wasn't talking to you sorry Jessica just came into my office. Sorry that was rude of me please continue.
Saleswoman Mindy: Oh well I could help you make those kinds of decisions about servers and work stations.
Syden: Really that would be great what do you think about a server that could like transform into something else?
Saleswoman Mindy: What? Like a transformer....no we don't do that if you would like to look at our website it has..
Syden: How about a keyboard that typed for me? I get tired of typing but I hate voice recognition software because it just tells on me.
Saleswoman Mindy: *Long Pause* Did you say that you where the IT Manager for your entire company?
Syden You know I just can't get over how much you sound like a Steve have you ever thought of cutting your hair and changing your name?
Saleswoman Mindy: Um sir I'm not sure we can help you with what you need.
Syden: Do you guys sell medication of any kind?
Saleswoman Mindy: What um no just computer parts.
Syden: Hmm that's not what Steve said.
Saleswoman Mindy: What who is this Steve?
Syden: Hey do you like parrots? Not as birds but to eat? I know this great place Mandy and we could talk shop over parrot. I get the beak though it is kind of a tradition.
Saleswoman Mindy: Uh....Uh... I don't think we can help you today thank you for your time.
Syden: Hold on Mindy... you still there?
Saleswoman Mindy: Look sir if you are just going to waste my time.
Syden: Oh I am so sorry I hate it when people call me and waste my time don't you Mandy? *click* Mindy? Steve? Huh she must have hung up.

Questions every man has to ask himself

Ever come to the realization that the guy you just killed probably wasn't a highlander and you will probably have to answer for yet another decapitation?

The clown asked me what he could do to make me laugh officer. It's not my fault I think that a clown getting hit by a car is funny. Also he was standing awfully close to the curb so really are the handcuffs so necessary? Man his big red shoes flew so far! Why aren't you laughing, he died doing what he loved? Oh I see your mad because I made you hit a clown with your squad car aren't you?

When not to ask: Will you marry me? Stop crying I'm sure you're dad is in a better place right now. Also it was that cop who technically hit him with his car not me. So how about it?

I know that you will be tempted to walk up to Bigfoot and see if he truly is the gentle giant of the forest. But ask yourself isn't that just a grizzly bear? And why am I covered in honey?

Remember when you got abducted over spring break and that alien probed you again, and again, and again, and again, and again, then made you slow dance to lady in red? I'm sorry that was a joke that admittedly went to far. But in my defense the midget we got to dress up like an alien was really into you. So do you forgive me?

Rules for IT headaches

1. There will always be a bigger idiot
2. Each day that nothing goes wrong only makes the day when it all goes wrong worse.
3. so called 'drop tested' laptops might as well be made of glass.
4. If it is possible to break something they will find a way
5. Seriously how did you mange to break that (see number 4)
6. Water proof does not apply to barbeque sauce
7. Never underestimate the power of stupidity in large groups.
8. Management has nothing to do other than to make you pay for knowing more than they do.
9. Buying a Mac will not make your iphone, itunes, or youtube, work any better than a PC especially if you have never used one.
10. Yelling Please God make it stop almost never helps.
11. They are all out to get you hide as long as you can.
12. Just because it doesn't work for you does not mean that it doesn't work.
13. Telling someone to restart there computer is pointless, they will always lie to you they will never restart, when asked they will always answer I did that like 10 times already.
14. I don't know if you can hate someone to death but I think I am close to a break through (you know who you are).
15 Just because your computer started acting funny when you used the phone to call Aunt Sally but only on Tuesdays does not mean there is a correlation to why your youtube video won't load. Thank you for your input, now sit quietly while I try to stop the voice in my head that is telling me to maim you.
16. Why do I hate you, you ask? It might be because I have been here for two days after you sent the entire company a virus via forwarding porn when you accidentally hit send to all. It might be because you yelled at me this morning because your email wasn't working after you got our company on a blacklist for sending spam. But I am guessing it is because you stole my weekend you twit!
17. I hate you
18. No I really truly hate you
19. I get along with every kind of person from every walk of life but I still hate you.
20. When I sent you that email that said you are being monitored this is what I meant

Random Thoughts

Why is it considered weird when I put a maxy pad on my forehead and go running? They are super absorbent and make a soft headband. Goodbye sweat in my eyes, hello people pointing and staring at the gym.

When I swim I like to pretend I'm a shark it makes the experience more fun. Fun for me not the guy I was pretending was a seal.

People think that it's strange that I don't sleep at night. Not my roommate though he only thinks it's strange when he wakes up to find me sitting in the corner of his room rocking back in forth holding a knife and talking to myself. Nothing stirs up nostalgia like the memory of your first restraining order, I should look him up.

One more inch and he would have struck oil or blood

I am beginning to believe that my dentist missed his calling. As I was sitting in the dentist chair his hand in my mouth up to his elbow. The shrill sound of drill hitting bone and the acrid smell of burning tooth. I realized that maybe as a child this man wanted to be an oil farmer. Maybe he dreamed of wearing a cowboy hat and living in Texas, taking care of a big oil rig. This could be the only explanation for the amount of joy he seemed to gain from excavating my tiny cave like mouth. Him on a mission with his mighty drill. Me wondering if the shot he gave me would do anything for the pain or just make it look like I rode the short bus for the rest of the day. Just as he hit what must have been a central nerve cluster he pulled out all the childlike wonder fading from his eyes. Then proceeded to fill my mouth with something that tasted like a mix between black liquorish, hydrogen peroxide, and the souls of unwanted children. I had to wonder what path this poor white coated baby hater took in life that he would willingly get bitten on a daily basis. Then I got the bill and it all became amazingly clear.

Positive thinking

As I finished running 2 miles on the treadmill at the gym this morning, and felt what I thought was a bunched up sock in my shoe. I realized that a giant blister is like a cushion a horrid, miserable, messed up, agonizing cushion. And that girl running in front of me is like a princess, a sweaty scowling princess. And the men's shower is like a swamp full of fungus and naked old people, actually I don't have an analogy for that one. My positive thinking stops at old naked people.

Reasons I hate my job

I have tried desperately to become a caring IT guy I have tried to be patient I have tried to explain things as many times as needed so that people understand. But I now realize why IT guys are generally known as unhelpful, or jerks, or insane. It is because of all of you! We try to help you we show you that double clicking means clicking twice, we have tried to answer your insane questions like. My CD drive doesn't work sometimes when I am on facebook why is that? It might be because we hate you, or those two things might be totally unrelated. But just because your mind has jumped to the conclusion that when you are typing in Word and listening to music at the same time the internet doesn't look like the shade of blue it normally does. Does not mean that it's true or that I should care or that you want me to spend time trying to see why. I now hate all of you I tried to be nice but the gloves are off if I have to show you something for the twentieth time in four days I should get to hit you and hard. Maybe then some of these things will stick in that empty sponge you call a brain. Also I would like to thank you for the amazing amount of job security I have.

The reason I love my Job

This is an actual email I sent this morning to the head of the sales department. He has been bugging me about his email getting spam all week. I tried to explain that he in fact signed up for the emails that he was getting and it takes time after you unsubscribe for them to stop. Instead of listening he decided to start forwarding all of his spam mails to me. This was my response. (Names have been changed to protect.....well, me)

Regarding your spam,
Since I only unsubscribed you from their mailing list Monday and their disclaimer was to allow 2 weeks for changes to take effect please be patient during this trying time. If you would like I could log on to your account each morning and evening to make sure that these blights are never an eyesore on your computer screen again. The IT department sincerely apologizes for our transgression and we will have a department meeting post haste to brainstorm on ideas to make this transitional period more comfortable for you. If you would allow us this great boon of time to work on the problem we would forever be in your dept. From the greatest depths of my heart from the deepest recesses of my soul I apologize that a spam got through our obviously inferior defenses and assaulted you. If you could submit a drawing of where the spam touched you it would greatly help in our investigation. Or to say it in another way; be patient and the problem will work itself out. Your friend in the IT department,

Syden Insomniac
IT Manager

Act 25: Valentines Day

Valentines Day is a time of Love, a time for relationships, to snuggle up by a warm fire her in that little black dress while turtle doves coo their love song from the rafters. Well I have news for you: Turtle doves have sharp beaks, that dress you love so much is not fire resistant, and Valentines Day was invented by cracked out sycophants. Who else could come up with free love, candy hearts, and a naked flying baby with a bow and arrow? Someone tripping on a freak acid trip that’s who. Now I have spoken of these non shoe wearing social deviants before. Many of you know that I like to refer to this subculture as ‘damned dirty hippies.’ But all prejudice aside, setting all of my hate on the back burner. I say this with an unbiased opinion. Every hippie involved in the creation and propagation of this holiday must die. I refuse to bend over once again and take the chocolate coated, fluffy bunny, candy heart, anal probe that is Valentines Day. Enough is enough. I know that those little white candy hearts that say things like: be mine, maybe tonight, PETA 4EVR, down with the government, and kiss me, are just fossilized globs of Pepto-Bismol with white food coloring. It is the only way that you could handle the nausea of this touchy feely, chick flick strewn, diarrhea rhetoric, diabetes causing, holiday. I am a lone man calling you out Saint Valentine! I won’t stand this mother of all non holidays anymore. On a much unrelated side note I will be all alone this holiday eating my way through a solid chocolate heart the size of my head and thinking of all of the couples that I hate. But that in no way affects my opinion of the crap fest that is Valentines Day. Unless I find a date that is then disregard this post.

In Terminator 5: Rise of the Muppet cyborgs

To me this should be a picture for the next terminator film. Half Woman, Half Cyborg, with a Muppet leg and wearing a mini skirt with her sidekick horse peering from a bomb shelter and planing what must be my annihilation. I mean why else would he be down there? This will most likely be the poster for the new movie Terminator 5 Rise of the Muppet Cyborgs (title and artwork still pending). The plot being that once that Skynet found out that John Connor was able to detect Terminators in Human form, liquid form, and somewhat liquid somewhat human form. They hatched a daring plan involving getting into Johns secret bunker by appealing to his masculine side by making a beautiful cyborg but also to his lost childhood by making her part Muppet. She obviously couldn't just fly a Skynet death glider into the bunker so they gave her a sinister horse named Mr. Dead (yes like Mr. Ed but dead) to ride in on. I think that it will be the best movie in the franchise since Terminator 1 and is rumored to have guest appearances by Grover and of course Animal (well at least his leg anyways). I can't wait for it to hit theaters.

An apology from the IT department

I would like to take a moment to apologize for some of my IT brethren out there sometimes we get a bit cross with you and I would like to explain some reasons why.

1. That time you spilled barbeque sauce on your laptop then tried to fix it with really absorbent dinner rolls I am sorry I yelled at you.
2. When you download enough porn on your work computer to make a trucker blush then got upset when a virus rampaged through your computer. I was having a bad day and got cross with you that was my fault sorry.
3. I understand that your computer only seems to do this when your aunt May from Kentucky calls but that really has nothing to do with the problem.
4. Just because it doesn't work for you does not mean that the world is having this problem too.
5. Remember that time I asked what the problem was and you went on for an hour and a half about how your life is falling apart and this computer thing is the last straw. That was my fault I should have been more clear. What I meant to ask was what is the problem you called me from my office to help you fix with this computer and no others and only that problem?
6. I didn't make want to make you feel stupid when I talked to you like a third grader who just wet his pants. I just assumed that because I had told you every two days for the past year how to do this that I needed a new approach to teaching, that was my bad next time I'll try treats.
7. I know that you thought your computer needed to cool down so you put ice cubes on top of it. That was very thoughtful but now it is smoking and I need to look at it.
8. That thing I got mad at you for I will try and explain you see it is a CD tray and is only for putting CD's into. So when you use it as a drink holder I get a bit tiffed. I know you don't use that many CD's but still this is why they don't work anymore.
9. I realize that when your YouTube video isn't working that is frustrating but that doesn't mean that the internet is not working when everything else is still fine but I guess I could call them and ask them what happened to the video of the monkey baby falling asleep. It's not like I do anything anyways so I will put all of that stuff aside and call the Youtube guy right now give me a few hours to work on that.
10. When I said try restarting your computer and you told me you already did that like 10 times and then I restarted it and it worked, I am so sorry about that.
11. When I said I hate you! Then tried to stab you with a pen, don't take offense. I just didn't like it when you got our email server blackballed as a spam server for sending that "very funny email" to everyone you know and all of their friends 40 times because it was just that funny. And then I had to spend 4 days fixing the problem while everyone else in the office including you yelled at me because email wasn't working, for that I am sorry. Also good news you might get back the privileged to send emails again very soon.
12. When you said your computer wasn't working and wouldn't tell me what wasn't working and worked on it all day and then I got frustrated. I should have known that solitaire game options had changed it is my problem I should have been more aware and I am sorry.
13. When you tried to move your computer by yourself because 'it didn't look good under that desk' then you destroyed all of the USB ports on the back by not unplugging anything. And I tried to cut your brake line 'to see how you liked it' that was wrong I apologize. Also I am sorry that none of your USB ports are not working I will get right on that.
14. When you called me racist because I gave you a white keyboard and I stared at you until you cried I am sorry I will look into getting you a black one or whatever ethnicity of keyboard you are comfortable with.
15. Each time I pass you now and scowl with burning eyes of hate for all the unnecessary things you have made me do over the years I am sorry you are my boss and I should show a little more respect. Whats that you did what to your motherboard?

P.S. I hate you