Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Six Degrees of desperation

Six degrees of separation (also referred to as the "Human Web") refers to the idea that, if a person is one step away from each person they know and two steps away from each person who is known by one of the people they know, then everyone is at most six steps away from any other person on Earth. It was popularized by a play written by John Guare.

On the other hand Six degrees of Desperation (also referred to as my "dating pool") refers to the idea that, If I make a big enough idiot of myself that people tell and retell the story of my idiocy. That if each person tells just one other person they know that eventually every girl on the planet will know me as "that guy." This theory has been percolating in the back of my mind since the days of Lorena Bobbit. She did one incredibly idiotic thing and now her dating pool is 0 based on the same series of events.

So basically it comes down to this; on a small scale I tested it out by telling just one girl in the office I work at something stupid I did. By the end of the day every girl in the entire office had that "I know what you did" look as I passed by. Bringing this to a big scale I and the amount of time I spend doing stupid things that people talk about I am guessing that in 6 months time I will be un-datable.
(What stupid thing did I do that I told a coworker about? I'm sure if you read half of my past blogs you will figure it out eventually.)

Monday, September 28, 2009

It's probably the fuel filter

Sometimes I enjoy trolling yahoo answers to give back to the community I am hoping for best answer on this one.

Original poster:
My boyfriend is cheating on me what do I do?
Last night I left my boyfriends house I got a few miles down the street and my car stalled and broke down because I live pretty far away I just decided to walk back to his house. It took me about 40 minutes and when I got there I could see through the window he was kissing some other girl. I was crushed we have been dating for over 6 months and she didn't look familiar at all. I stood there for a while in disbelief but I didn’t know what to do so I just left. What do I do I really like this guy and I don’t want to loose him but I am just so confused right now?

Syden Insomniac:
If the car stalls all the time, the general reason is that there is probably either a fuel or an ignition problem causing the engine to cut out. Of course, there could be any number of things wrong with your car if it stalls during normal driving (i.e., not when starting from stationary). I recommend a tune-up also it would be a good idea to check your spark plugs, and charging system, and when was the last time you changed your fuel filter?

Friday, September 25, 2009

T.V. Land

Sorry loyal readers I have been ill and when you are trying not to die it’s hard to find time to keep up with the blog or even feel funny enough to write. But that being said lets catch up on what’s been going on in the most important place, T.V. Land.

In the news; crazy people have been yelling at crazy people for being crazy. I am of course referring to the Democrats and Republicans. New plan everyone that enters a debate about healthcare has to take a Velum or a Prozac (their choice) then wait 30 minutes before the discussion can start.

New T.V. shows started so it should be easier to get through the day let me help you navigate through the crap.
The only news worth watching anymore is the Daily Show with John Stewart because he shows what both sides are doing in the race for coveted title “nuttier than squirrel poop.”
A new show about vampires who live for hundreds of years only to have relationships with high school girls hits the scene with the Vampire Diaries. It’s kind of like watching One Tree Hill and every now and then someone gets eaten, I know it sounds cool but they somehow made even that unbearable to watch. Mostly because they don’t kill the super annoying main characters like you want them to.
Supernatural bursts back on the scene in all its glory with only one problem. In previous seasons when they are fighting demons and werewolves and ghosts and goolies it made for some good clean violent fun. But now they are fighting Satan and looking for God it could be cool but I think it took a wrong turn on uncomfortable street and just blew the stop sign at don’t go there lane. I have tentative high hopes.
Glee is a show about people you didn’t want to hang out with in high school and still don’t want to respond to their facebook invite. Seriously they are not zany nerds that you grow to love that have good hearts, they are the truly crazy super annoying types that somehow find a teacher as socially inept as they are. Watch at your own risk.
Cougar town is a show about old people desperately trying not to die out to younger hotter less talented actresses.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Dr. Cox and Syden

Syden has a trip to the hospital today and asked me to guest blog. I hope he gets a doctor like Dr. Cox. I think they would mesh.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Questions for An Insomniac

If you have questions for an insomniac like me or want to know if you might be an insomniac yourself simply leave a comment in the form of a question and I would be happy to answer.

Sample Question:
Syden how is it that you only get 2-3 hours of sleep a night and are still so cool?

Sample Answer:
How is it that you get 8-9 hours of sleep a night and are still so lame? The answer is simple I was born to be awesome and you my friend had a chance at awesomnitude and slept past it with your snooze button in hand.

I am an open book so go ahead and ask. (Mothers need not apply, all sales are final, answers may and almost always will smack of smart ass-ery, Canadians need not apply)

Tjames asks: Is your employer hiring? Because I want to work there....

No Tjames we are not hiring and frankly it boggles my mind how I have gotten away with what I have over the years, probably because I have all of their passwords.

Augusto asks:
In your own words, what is your opinion of the best use of the hours between 2:35 and 5:12? I find myself perplexed. The television is generally useless at that time and I'm typically too exhausted to enjoy porn at such sleepless hours.

Who's words would I answer in if not my own I guess I could go and look for a Wikipedia entry for 2:35-5:12 and copy it but so far my search has had very poor results. Let's see between 2:35 and 5 first of course you try and sleep that kills about an hour or two tossing and turning. Then I do the mandatory 3am sock puppet show because I haven't slept in 3 weeks and I find this the funniest thing in the entire world. (Side note my former roommate did not find this the funniest thing in the entire world he is still not speaking to me.) If I get incredibly bored I torment my neighbors cat with a laser pointer and try and get him to run into things while crouched in the bushes. 4 Am is prime time to work on your zombie Apocalypse plan and possibly even run some test get to the fortified bunker. By 5 all hope for sleep is completely out the window and you don't look a psycho for going out and getting some errands done if needs be. I like to wander around walmart at this time when guys with mullets and that one bag lady who smells like molten death are safely asleep. FYI the longer you watch infomercials the more they make perfect sense so try and stay away or invent fun games like you have to drink whenever shamwow guy says something that has absolutely nothing to do with his product like random inference to girls in bikinis (trust me it happens a lot.) Hope that helps Augusto.

Justin said...
If I can't sleep, well then I just don't - it doesn't matter. Stay up, blog, do whatever. Just because the rest of the world is sleeping doesn't mean you have to.

Well laddi freakin da Justin! For some of us it's not that it's a choice to stay up it's a curse and all we want to do is sleep but for some sick reason God decided it would be funny to make this an impossibility! I'm not talking about when you had one or two bad nights of sleep and decided to deem yourself an insomniac. I am talking about 15 agonizing years of listening to people complain about how tired they are on Monday morning because they stayed up to late and you have been going on about 45 minutes to 2 hours of sleep a night for the past 3 months! Wow I'm sorry Justin I have no idea where that came from... Ya good advice man keep it coming.

If I were a vampire

If I were a vampire I think I would join PETA because I bet those people that don’t eat meat would be pretty tasty. Also they would never see it coming, and probably if I got caught they would think I was just misunderstood or something. Also most of their campaigning seems to be in the nude for some reason which makes for easy access.

If I were a Vampire I would get upset because I really like garlic chicken pizza.

If I were a Vampire and had till the end of time to do things I bet I would get really, really good at spider solitaire.

I think a vampire with rabies would be extra dangerous because even if you survive now you’ve got rabies… oh and the craving for blood.

I don’t think that Vampires really have to be invited in places I think they are just very polite.

If I were a Vampire I would get girls to go out with me when I stalked them instead of restraining orders.

If I were a Vampire I would have beautiful girl hair. Have you ever seen a Vampire without beautiful girl hair? I think not.

I wonder if Vampires have to play Russian roulette with a crossbow. That's a game you don't want to be picked to go first at.

If I were a Vampire I would probably have to move to Pennsylvania because I don't have a passport and it's the only other vania I know of.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The best way to break up with a girl

Write a love letter to her with all of your feelings on it, explain why things need to end and how you are different people now and how it would be best if you parted ways. Wrap this letter around a brick and throw it through her window.

Pay a man in a fireman’s uniform to tell her you burned to death… then move.

Tell her you are a vampire and that she is tempting you to drink human blood again and that you must continue your eternal journey alone.

Two words witness protection.

The next time she asks you what you are thinking tell her, and don't hold back.

Nothing says it's over like a cake with the words "dump city" written in icing.

Steal her diary and in it write "today I got dumped but he is still really cool also I have mild amnesia."

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

How to fix your computer

As an IT manager people often wonder how I know so much about computers. I have decided to share with all of you how I got and have kept my job for so long with this handy cheat sheet. (Clicking the image will make it larger)

This is how to decide what gaming system to buy

And for those of you who own a Mac here is a chart for you so you don't feel left out

Friday, September 11, 2009

The thoughts that kept me up last night.

The most profound silence I have experienced so far is after letting one rip on the elevator with my boss, his wife, and a new client. It made my eyes water

If boredom was an international sport it probably wouldn't be very exciting to watch on t.v.

If I were an evil overlord and set a bomb to go off I would make it stop at 10 seconds so that the heroes would think they stopped it somehow and would laugh and exclaim how much they loved each other, then the real bomb would go off.

Why on all of the star trek shows when they get boarded by evil aliens did they not just beam those aliens into space? Maybe it looks better on a resume to say repelled alien invaders with phaser, instead of used brain. No body likes a smarty pants.

People often ask me how I have lived with insomnia for so long. I usually just tell them it's because bullets are pretty expensive these days.

I get the impression that the trail to Oregon was just littered with bodies that exploded from dysentery.

I was going to go buy some kind of motivational book today but then I would have to go all the way to the store and finish this senten....

Thursday, September 10, 2009

How to look skinnier without pesky diet and exercise.

Many people have asked me; Syden how do you look so great while eating that entire German chocolate cake? The answer is quite simple; I am simply sabotaging everyone around me. Like that girl in my office who eats nothing but rice cakes and low fat yogurt I come in early and soak those rice cakes in butter, lard, and sugar solution for about an hour then set to dry. She thinks they are delicious and she gained 28 pounds Walla! I look better already by comparison. Here are some simple tricks to never dieting and looking great in the crowd you’re in.

1. Black: Black is your friend it hides the rolls just make sure to be careful not to get to much cheeto dust on them. (For more about cheeto dust see how to survive a bank heist)

2. Ugly people: Choose ugly people to be seen with or at least incredibly uninteresting people this will make you look at feel great.

3. Eat yourself sick: You know how people are always talking about eating themselves sick. Actually do it. If you eat so much you actually throw up then technically you are not bulimic and you don’t half to worry about all those calories you just wrapped in bacon.

4. Undercutting: There are some people in this world that no matter how much they eat they always look great. Spread vicious untrue rumors about them around the office, or if you don’t have time in a public place while meeting new people. Quietly pull the new group aside and explain that your “friend” is retarded and has special needs. This will make you look like a caring friend and completely undermine anything that perfect jerk tries to say.

5. Project confidence while instilling discord: If you look confident while all around you people are upset and on the verge of a mental break down you look great. Also while others are in this frame of mind they tend to overeat and hate the world, which gives you a lunch partner.

Good luck and remember you are only as fat as your skinniest friend that is not retarded.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Mind pics

I have scoured the web to find pictures that mess with the mind, huh actually they just kind of found me. Well anyways enjoy, you will need to click on them to see them full size. Answers at the bottom if you can't figure it out.

















1.The girl at the top has an upside down face features look at her more closely.
2.Top of the stairs
3.Middle upper left face in the tree branches looks like a black hobo
4.He is in the wall!!!!
5.Simple optical illusion when you look at any of the circles they stop spinning.
6.They are not sitting on anything.
7.Above his head and to the right blurred face in the trees.
8.Left bottom on the half wall scary girl like something.
9.Description says it all nothing to see here OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE!
10.Left and right of center they are guys with cones on their heads not missiles.
11.Below the red dot in the hole.
12.Just a gym with balloons, wait what the hell is THAT! Center left
13.Look at it from a distance, no seriously scoot back from your computer.
14.T-Rex in the clouds.
15.Face on the ear.
16.Entire right hand side is a face; after you see it you can’t not see it.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Staying positive

I have been told my entire life that a positive attitude can change everything here are some tips on staying positive.

1. Practice smiling: I enjoy doing this when I get caught at a red light. Look at the guy next to you and practice your creepiest smile. You'd be surprised how much someone else's uncomfortableness can make you feel better.

2. Use positive language: Say things like "I'm positive that today is going to suck", and "you are positively the most horrifying individual I have ever met" that last one is best said to a stranger and not your boss.

3. Share the joy: Tell others how much better you are doing than they are, this will help cement the feeling that you are doing great.

4. Never say yes again: Instead of saying yes to things say, "I'm positive!" this is a great way to let others know that you are positive. Would you like fries with that? I'm Positive!

5. Times of doubt: When you are in times of doubt and despair and are having trouble staying positive do little things to remind yourself that you can stay positive forever. Pick up a sick prostitute from the bad side of town wait two days then go to the doctor. You my friends can have a trained medical professional then tell you that you are positive!

Just remember folks it's all about the attitude.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Syden's Random Thoughts

Once it again it is time for another installment of Syden's random thoughts

Clowns are supposed to be funny but end up being scary. So you can see how when I painted your cat it was supposed to be amusing, not kill it.

I think you'll find that your razor is really dull and you need to shave for a super important meeting the cheese grater makes a poor substitute.

It is possible to fit a pool ball into an average sized mouth, it is not possible to take it out again without extreme effort because the jaw locks. Also it is hard to call for help when you swoundsw wike wlithhhh *followed by gentle muffled weeping*

I think if I was narcissistic that I would be the best narcissist ever I mean I would be so awesome.

I think that if I tree falls in the woods that it does make a sound, especially if it falls on a beaver.

If I could go back in time and warn myself about one thing it would be that most horrible of days I had. But I wouldn't use the argument I used last time because I didn't listen to me.

I think that if I owned a tamed raptor from the dinosaur era that knew all kinds of tricks like don't eat the neighbors, it would probably be a bad idea to feed it heavy narcotics... I'm just saying.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

How to survive a bank heist

If you ever find yourself in a bank that is being held up by criminals (possibly in Halloween masks of dead presidents) these are some simple tricks to help you through the ordeal.

1. Remain calm, but not too calm: They always say in crisis situations that you have to keep your wits about you. But if the robber is flailing a gun around then maybe he is going for a certain atmosphere or theme for his bank robbery. If you don't look scared he might just kill you because you are just ruining the mood he is trying to set. I recommend screaming like a little girl and weeping uncontrollably for about 20 seconds then collapsing to the floor in a heap. This will generally make the robber happy that you are contributing to the general feel of his robbery.

2. Be friendly, but not too friendly: If there happens to be a doughnut shop near by the police might just respond fast enough to turn your pleasant bank heist into a long drawn out ordeal. So if the bank robbers are going to be there for a while try and be friendly. Smile on occasion then look away, just like when looking that girl in junior high (but without the awkward panic attack.) If they strike up conversation with you keep it innocuous, talk about movies that where cool or how surfing is awesome. But there is a line, you don't want to become too friendly or when hostage time comes guess who they are going to take? Then your whole night is shot and you will have to try and get through the next day without anyone telling you what happened on Lost and you know that Nancy from accounting has a big mouth.

3. Look for opportunities: If the chance to do something arrives and you save the day you might just get enough fame to finally ask out that hot bank teller. And if it all goes horribly horribly wrong at least there might be a hot nurse in the hospital who will pity you. You can ask my last two girlfriends pity can be a powerful motivator especially when accompanied by a gun shot wound. Try and lull the robber into a false sense of security, at this point he has already seen you cry like a little girl and you have probably talked about how cool the new Star Trek movie was. He will start to trust you or pity you, and again pity is awesome. Tell him how cool his gun is for a while then and ask if you can see it. If this actually works point the gun at him and take control. But don't shoot him! That hot nurse can just as easily fall for a surly robber who was just down on his luck.

4. Cheeto fingers: Many times robbers go unconvicted because they are all wearing ski masks and they can't tell which convict did which crime. Help out your local police department by trying to touch one of the robbers with your cheeto encrusted fingers. I find that during the initial plea for my life while I am crying like a 6 year old school girl grabbing a pant leg and crying about my fake children that will go fatherless wont get you killed. Pistol whipped yes, killed no. Now many of you ask why do you have cheeto encrusted fingers in the first place? Be smart people it is a great way to identify things. If you had the remote first you have proof, if you want that jelly doughnut a single yellow orange finger print can claim it, and when it's time for the line up at the police station you just have to look for your mark to point out the would be robber. Cheetos are relatively inexpensive and a great time saver for claiming territory. (Note If you can't get your hands on cheetos I find that the powdered cheese in the Mac and Cheese box works as a substitute, if you lick your fingers before opening the pouch.)

5. Be prepared: By now you have learned how to stay alive, identify the criminal, possibly get a date, all while not missing your favorite t.v. show. But constant vigilance is the key to surviving a bank heist and that means being prepared. Try not to leave the house without cheeto fingers. Practice crying in front of the mirror so you can do it on queue (if you are having trouble with this one just remember how alone you are... so very alone, it works like a charm.) Make sure and stay up to date on pop culture and movies so you can talk to your assailant with ease. And remember if you plan on using a pen as a make shift weapon to stab the robber in the neck to save the day, that they are chained to the counter so first you have to get him to stand really close and possibly lay his head on the desk. Good luck out there.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Show reviews part II

Family Guy: Mentally retarded father of three submits family to emotional and physical abuse to hide his rampant alcoholism.

How I met your Mother: 5 socially stunted friends spend all their free time in a bar.

General Hospital: A show not generally about a hospital.

Are you smarter than a 5th grader?: Probably not if you are watching this show

Dollhouse: Director Joss Whedon's experiment to see how far he can push fans before they literally tear him limb from limb. Also hotness from Eliza Dushku.

Mental: Doctor of psychology has self as patient.

America's got talent: Ironic title pokes fun at self.

Smallville: Teenager deals with changing body and mineral allergy.

Supernatural: Brothers forced to work together to run family business.

Reaper: Man works diligently to pay back loan.

CSI: In depth look at how to get away with future crimes.

Dexter: Blood analyst looks for new samples.