Friday, January 30, 2009

White mice

I have noticed something strange. Moisturizer, vitamins, Aspartame, sunlight, gene therapy, coke, diet coke, sugar, fun, cheese, and bicycle pump grease has been know to cause cancer in little white mice. Has anyone paused to think that maybe cancer is just prone to white mice. I suggest that from now on we use brown ones instead.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

I am tired of calling them all side acts: 14

There is a point in everyone's life that they get emotionally fatigued. This can be for any number of reasons or no reason at all. The lights are too bright the sounds are too loud and those around you are just too stupid. For what ever reason you get to the breaking point and have to do something to unwind and start over. Now lets talk about physical fatigue. When you don't sleep well a few nights in a row (or months or years in some of our cases) then have strenuous activities you must attend to when you bring your body to the breaking point until it screams that it can take this abuse no more and shuts down. Back to that in a moment. Stress related fatigue is a mix between the first two there is so much weighing down on you that eventually you want to scream but you are too tired from listening to illogical people make terrible decisions and are left holding the bag when all is said and done. Now to the point: Once in a while these three fatigues hit you all at once Emotional, physical, and stress in a perfect stress storm which I am calling superfantasticdraino pronounced super-fantastic-drain-o the 'o' at the end should make the sound of a robot powering down, like OOOooo lower and lower until it sort of fades out into nothing. Why super fantastic you ask well that's because in this state of utter uncaring everything becomes crystal clear the crap you have to wade through day in and day out dissolves into nothing and all that is left to you is either your pillow or the arduous climb up the clock tower with a sniper rifle. Luckily my sniper rifle was at the cleaners so I opted for the pillow. This state can cause career changes, divorces, and great late night comedy. It is the sole reason for the sporks invention and why so many people are on Prozac. So next time you feel everything coming together in one giant pile of despondency amplified by not sleeping and the urge to kill your coworkers. I urge you to sigh turn off the lights and laugh until you cry and really enjoy your superfantasicdraino. Note long periods of superfantasticdraino can cause death and insanity for more information on superfantasticdraino visit your local doctor. Superfantasticdraino is not for everyone consult your physician before trying to reach a period of superfantasicdraino. Superfantasticdraino is not meant to treat or diagnose any illness and is in fact a made up word.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Side act 14: The things I live by

If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all… unless it’s really funny

Sleep is for quitters.

The difference between genius and insanity is success…success and an imaginary shaved pet monkey named mojo.

Asteroids and hemorrhoids should have their names switched.

If you always do what you have done then you will always get the same result. Unless you are having a computer problem then try restarting and call me back.

Whenever God closes a door he opens a window. This is probably why my heating bill is so high.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Side Act 13: Future Plans

When the zombie uprising finally happens I have a plan and I will be ready. Unless I am still human that is. Mmmm brains.

If at first you don’t succeed try, try again. Unless it is really hard or boring or whatever, you know what just take a nap, think you can do that with out screwing it up genius?

Ever stare into the night sky at those millions of billions of stars and wonder if we are not alone? I don’t really care about the rest of the galaxy I just know that I am alone, so very alone.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Side Act 12: Historical facts and why I hate them

Christopher Columbus "discovered" America in 1492. That was the day he realized that this was not in fact India and that he was horribly, horribly lost.

We get a holiday when Martin Luther King talks about his dreams but when I do it they up my medication.

George Washington designed his soldiers uniforms and considered himself quite the tailor. His soldiers got the nickname "The Virginia Blues" for their matching outfits and he got his picture on the dollar bill. I suggest "no pants Friday" and they have meetings about me.

Chinese Emperor Shen-Nung introduced acupuncture in 2700 BC as a medical practice but stab one co-worker in the neck with a pencil and it's "harassment."

The first-known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 BC. I find that not bathing in regular intervals and having Cheeto colored fingers works just as effectively.

There are more statues of Sacajewa, Lewis & Clark's female Indian guide, in the United States than any other person. If that doesn't make up for stealing your land and selling your watered down whiskey then I don't know what will.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Side Act 11: Acronyms and me a touching story of of love and loss

Have you ever considered the following:

We use acronyms so often in our society that I wonder if you know what all of the following stand for.

CD: That's not my Mandy Moore CD I swear!
DVD: Pride and Prejudice should have a warning label on it's DVD
AIDS: He has AIDS and not the kind that fetch him coffee.
AFK: AFK have to kill roomate.
LOL: Seriously you don't know what lol is rofl
AC: Turn up the AC or the body will start to smell
ATM: I have never in good conscience robbed an ATM
ID: It is not a fake ID the ID is real my age however is quite fake.
PS. Sincerely, Syden Insomniac, P.S. I hate you.
SOS: Sending out an sos, sending out an sos Message in a bottle, ya
Laser: He shot a freaking laser out of his eyes!
Scuba: Sharks are friendly let me show you put on your scuba gear.
Radar: Cop got me with his radar gun.
DNA: Test my DNA to see if I am a monkey or at least adopted.
LED: If I position this LED light just right, yup you look like Satan.

Now for the definitions.
CD compact disc
DVD Digital Versatile Disc
AIDS Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome
AFK away from keyboard
LOL laugh out loud or Rofl roll on the floor laughing
AC air conditioning
ATM automated teller machine
ID identification
PS post script and pss post script script
SOS save our souls
Laser light amplification by the stimulated emission of radiation
Scuba Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Radar radio detection and ranging
DNA deoxyribonucleic acid
LED light-emitting diode

Don't feel bad I didn't know them all either

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Side Act 10: Book Titles that didn't make it

Three day old chicken that may have been left out just a little too long for the soul.

Everything I need to know I learned in the Kindergarten bathroom.

Harry Potter and the chamber of really really scary things also Voldemort is in there.

Interview with the guy who thinks he's a Vampire but is really just senile and possibly diabetic by the way he keeps gumming that orange.

Steven Kings the lamp monster.

Revenge of the Sith. (we'll just cut out the middle man and make it a movie)

Papa Smurf the inside story.

Harry Potter and the prepubescent dream.

You are different and that's bad. (a children's book)

The Big book of Pop up anatomy

Daddy drinks because you cry

Clowns: The magical world of cannibalism and smiles

Friday, January 16, 2009

Side Act 9: Things that have failed to get me a girlfriend thus far

Driving past her and honking at 50 miles and hour. Seriously how did I think this was going to work? Unless she was an FBI agent, managed to track down my license plate number, and call me for a date because I had the courtesy to honk at her.

Staring at a girl until she gets uncomfortable and leaves the room. Side note: this is a great way to get a table in a crowded restaurant.

Being aloof I don't know if I am being aloof enough or being to aloof. Or even what aloof means but so far not working.

Covering myself in glitter and standing in the sun next to the twilight book stack at Barnes and Noble.

Going to 'I'll date anyone who asks anonymous' meetings. I hate it when therapy actually works.

For my next plan I am going to go to the zoo wearing a loin cloth and seemingly escape from the tiger pit into her waiting arms. This way she has no expectations because after all I was raised by tigers. I don't have to follow social norms, don't have to pretend to listen to her drone on and on because I have not yet mastered human speech, and for our anniversary I can bring her a dead bird. I know it sounds a bit complicated but when trying to give any other girl a dead bird in the past they get freaked out and wont call you back. And I honestly just don't know what to do with this perfectly good dead bird I found.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Side Act 8: Last request

Would it be considered cruel and unusual punishment to put an Amish person in the electric chair?

Why do they sterilize the needle before giving a lethal injection?

What exactly can a cannibal request as a last meal? Can it be another guy on death row?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Side Act 7: Food facts

Once jello is made it cannot go back to liquid form unless you put it in your mouth and swish vigorously.

If you liquefy gummy bears over a camp fire then drink from the scalding hot pan everything you eat for the next week will taste like gummy. After thought: when I did this I almost died.

Saving cream unlike whipped cream does not taste good on pie but will get the hair off if it falls on the floor. Also don't eat the pie it was on the floor and it has shaving cream on it.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Side Act 6: Commercialism

Is that fruity cereal actually magically delicious or is it just a cleaver marketing scheme? Because I don't see magic in the ingredients anywhere. Unless you count ground up smurf #5, wait I thought Gargamel was using them to make gold not cereal.

I don't think Gillet is in fact the best a man can get. My can left me for a hunky fireman. (For sensitive skin my ass.)

I think that they should make a caveman movie, based on the caveman show, that was based on the caveman commercial, that was based on a really lame saying. Ya I'd go see that I mean what could be better than a really, really, really long Geico commercial?

I don't want to alarm anyone but I checked the symptoms on Web M.D. and I think that the energizer bunny is in all actuality on crack. But hey as long as he keeps my stuff running and I don't have to bail him out of jail to often I guess it works out.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Side Act 5: Justifications for fattitude

Just remember kids when you have fat friends there are no seesaws only catapults.

One serving is when the spoon scrapes the bottom of any container.

Pop tarts make a great substitute for bread. Side note my strawberry tuna sandwich is not as good as it sounds.

Driving from garage to the mail box is ok as long as you are not wearing any pants.

The bigger you get the easier it is to float.

Get in shape well this just in, round is a shape. So is a rhombus but that's just unattractive.

Your food storage is portable. (even if you are not)

More of you to love. Much, much more so much you might overdose and die if I roll over in my sleep.

Scientifically speaking an object with more mass has more of gravitational field. So when your friends are setting you up on a blind date and she asks is he attractive? You can say yes, and have the laws of physics to back you up.

The 5 second rule for dropping food only applies if it is possible to bend over and pick it up in 5 seconds adjust accordingly to your size.

And finally....

Don't think of a clogged artery as a negative. Think of it as years of hard work.

Side Act 4: This just in ice is slippery

So if you ever feel so inclined to get up early and enact some new years resolution by taking a brisk walk in the wee morning hours know this. Ice it turns out is slippery, also as a side note my knee hurts.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Side Act 3: Creature of the night

Every now and then when I am trying unsuccessfully to sleep I creep around the house from shadow to shadow being as silently as I can be. I know it sounds crazy but if I am made a vampire anytime soon I'll have a leg up on the other new competition. Also if I spread glittery paint all over me do you think I could convince a really naive girl that I was a good vampire and get a date? I know your out there insane Twilight fans.

Side Act 2: Randomnimity

Do you think if you where on a super secret team who traveled to other worlds in order to obtain alien technology to defend against the threat of an ultimate evil, do you think you'd get hazard pay? Because if not I don't think I'd take the job. Unless they had a really good retirement plan or you know if there was a hot chick on the team with me.

Side Act 1: Random Thought

I think that if I ever develop multiple personality disorder and I am able to communicate with them. I will convince them that there is another personality that only I can hear. You know just to screw with them. Also if we ever evolve to the point where we can read each other minds I would like to apologize in advance for all of the people that I drive to insanity.