Friday, January 16, 2009

Side Act 9: Things that have failed to get me a girlfriend thus far

Driving past her and honking at 50 miles and hour. Seriously how did I think this was going to work? Unless she was an FBI agent, managed to track down my license plate number, and call me for a date because I had the courtesy to honk at her.

Staring at a girl until she gets uncomfortable and leaves the room. Side note: this is a great way to get a table in a crowded restaurant.

Being aloof I don't know if I am being aloof enough or being to aloof. Or even what aloof means but so far not working.

Covering myself in glitter and standing in the sun next to the twilight book stack at Barnes and Noble.

Going to 'I'll date anyone who asks anonymous' meetings. I hate it when therapy actually works.

For my next plan I am going to go to the zoo wearing a loin cloth and seemingly escape from the tiger pit into her waiting arms. This way she has no expectations because after all I was raised by tigers. I don't have to follow social norms, don't have to pretend to listen to her drone on and on because I have not yet mastered human speech, and for our anniversary I can bring her a dead bird. I know it sounds a bit complicated but when trying to give any other girl a dead bird in the past they get freaked out and wont call you back. And I honestly just don't know what to do with this perfectly good dead bird I found.


The maid said...

They are doing a new movie on Tarzan, and it is all being filmed in Hawaii. Maybe that would be a more appropriate place to hang out in a loin cloth. And remember what your mother always told you, "dear are you wearing clean underwear?"

Jeff and Anna too! said...

Next time you honk at a chic try holding up a piece of paper with your phone number on it.

Watch out for collisions.