Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Act 16 A Cleverly Disguised Rant AKA: Star Bright
I don't know anyone that hasn't wished on a star at one point or another in their life. It's hard not to look up at those twinkling lights on a warm summer’s night and wish for something or someone special. To glare into the night sky and outsource all our hopes and dreams to the great unknown. Not unlike outsourcing call centers to third world countries for tech support (not as customer friendly but a great way to save a buck). Wish fulfillment can be a beautiful thing to hope for but outsourcing to those great twinkling lights in the endless sky needs to become a thing of the past. Much like having to talk to a guy who says his name is Fred on the phone but you distinctly hear someone call him Nassapeen-A’-Hapoooan in the back ground. Think about it, I mean really think about it. The closest star to our solar system is Alpha Centauri triple star system the closest star in this being Proxima Centauri which is over 4.22 light years away. Ok, that doesn't seem that far; only 4 light years. But I assure you that 4 freaking light years is an eternity. Since we can only travel like 400 miles an hour that’s like a thousand years. Also when English is your fifth language and you can’t understand even the most basic of phrases you don’t get to be customer support. Since you can’t understand the customers you claim to support and we can’t understand you through a mouthful of lamb curry and an accent so thick I am actual considering using it as a tire sealant. So when you say oh star light star bright make the wish I wish tonight. Then a thousand years later the star gets your call and sends you back your wish fulfilled you would be two thousand years older and most likely dead. Much like when you have to wait on the phone for six hours only to be finally transferred back to the person that was supposed to originally help you. So even if you wish to the closest star and it answers you post haste your wish will never be fulfilled in your life time. So I have a solution to your wishful needs. The next time you need to wish fulfilled don't outsource it (seriously the next time something gets outsourced I will kill you.) The closest star is the Sun. Now the sun is only out during the day so if you really need a wish then stare directly at the Sun without blinking and say "star light star bright make the wish I wish today." Then in lengthy and precise detail say your wish. Only one recommendation: Don't wish for better eyesight. I also recommend this method if you have to call Dell customer service since you will get better results and possibly a tan. Also sorry in advance for making you go blind.