Friday, September 5, 2008
Act 11 Hippie Gate
I believe I just figured out why my soda costs me so much money. It's not because it’s a delicious concoction with a dash of joy bottled and shipped for my pleasure. It’s not that I’m so hopelessly addicted that I can’t conceive of a day without just one cool sip of forbidden ambrosia. It’s not even the fact that the soda company has outsourced its marketing department to third world drug dealers that might just kill you if you stop. So why then does enriched hydrogenated phosphoric acid, corn syrup, caffeine, and water with tiny bubbles that do the dance of unadulterated joy cost me so much money? It is all waters fault! You see back in the early 1900’s a group of devious misfits (that will henceforth be known as "hippies" or if you prefer "damned dirty hippies") decided that water needed to be improved upon. That's right they said something like, “hey water is good and all but I guess it could be like better somehow.” I call this conglomeration of slackers and naredowells Hippie Gate for their participation in this catastrophe. But I digress. So they got together with their friends at Berkley (home of the Hippie) and started developing water. THAT'S RIGHT FREAKING WATER. They told people that regular tap water was not good enough. In order to taste really good water people needed to hike into nature and drink from the fresh springs of the mountain tops were fish pooh and bears bathe and that that would be considered "pure water." The Hippies then went for a nap or a joint or something because they are lazy dirty hippies and relished in a job well done for destroying society as we know it. Well something had to be done, because for some stupid reason we believed the dirty hippies in the fact that our water the source of all goodness was not good enough anymore. So corporate America did the noblest thing it could think of. It took the mountain water filled with fish pooh and bear hair and bottled it into non-biodegradable bottles and sold it for a buck and a half to the populace who of course bought it. Arrowhead became a Multimillion dollar industry and the hippies started protesting about gay squirrels or something that nobody cared about. So it's not Cokes fault that they charge so much for morbidly tantalizing goodies of joy and happiness. After all it is not like they could charge 50 cents for bottled crack when regular water is going for a buck and a half. It is Arrowheads fault for making the Coke Corporation compete because after all Coke does have water in it. So it was only fair that it costs more for the extra added joys like caffeine and distilled sunshine. So shame on you Arrowhead for ruining my day and lets all remember to take a moment to hate the hippie because lets face it if they didn’t feel like they where being oppressed in some way they might come up with new ways to annoy me.