Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Act 22: Gingerbread, Gumdrops, and Assault Rifles

Santa Clause’s sleigh might be a little late this year. Satellite movements over his compound in the North Pole have recently uncovered a massive arms facility masquerading as a toy workshop. Santa, who started his career as a kind toy maker that only wanted to bring joy to the children of the world, quickly realized that there was no money in it for retirement. So going where the money led him he started dabbling in prototype weapons made from candy canes that fire gumdrops at astounding speeds leaving their target sticky and in need of a nap. The weapon was to be called ‘the sugar shocker’ but was quickly put off the production line because the market had just been flooded with the new IHOP ‘rooty tooty point and shooty assault rifle.’ Not to be stopped by his first failed attempt Santa began anew. He sought out new clients and started trade negotiations with the Leprechaun League Liberation front. They where a small organization but made up for it with literal buckets of gold. That’s when Santa put out one of his best sellers ‘The Christmas cheer’ side loaded shoulder mounted gingerbread bazooka. Upon being shot with this decorative, limited edition, individually numbered explosive, a target is filled with a warm sensation coupled with an urge to buy things at ridiculous prices and start singing off tune in the freezing cold. His profits soared and he was able to put more items on the black market such as the ‘chimney to chimney teleportation pad’, the ‘know when you are sleeping GPS tracker’, and ‘the Naughty list’ a virtual who’s who of people in the underside of society (and Jimmy who won't stop pulling Sally’s hair). Not to worry though. There is a raid planned on the facility in the North Pole for late December as it seems that he is gearing up for a big shipment. They aren’t worried about the fat man escaping since they captured one of his rein deer team and implanted him with a red glowing tracking device. The assault team is also looking into child labor laws being violated since it seems that everyone in the factory is less than 4 feet tall and it seems to be visited once a year by a band of misfit kids that are trying to save Christmas. So by the end of the month after the tear gas settles the world will be a safer place knowing that one of the oldest arms dealers is put safely away behind bars. Merry Christmas everyone.

3 comments:

Tonia said...

I think my kids have already been hit by the gingerbread bazooka. By the way, I thought this was funny and copied it onto my blog. You can sue me on infringement laws for my whole fortune which, after Christmas shopping, amounts to about 50 cents.

The maid said...

I don't understand why I always get caught in a never ending vat of fudge every year, which inevitably sticks to my thighs permanently, and I have actually been good.

Jeff and Anna too! said...

... omg... I think I'm going to cry... does this mean Christmas is cancelled???

(Haha my word verification is "fughtion" is that when you get stuck in a vat of fudge and aquire a fixation?)