ACT 21: Author and book review

I thought I would take a moment to give thanks to the many great authors who have helped my imagination and paved the way to become the deeply disturbed individual I am today (but in all seriousness these guys are great). So I give you the books I love and the authors who wrote them.

Enders Game, Enders Shadow, and Shadow of the Hegemon by Orson Scott Card. After Enders Game the whole thing went horribly wrong until his later stuff with the character Bean, but I must have read that first book 20 times.

The Sword of Truth series. It starts with Wizards First Rule and then goes on for eleven awesome books by Terry Goodkind. Avoid book 7, Pillars of Creation. No seriously, if you see it then burn it immediately and I promise you will thank me later. All you need to know is in the last 20 pages if you must read it. Otherwise it is more fun to bleed from every orifice than to love the series and get to this book. Great series can get a bit graphic at times (he has a knack of describing real life things, horrible things that happen to good people that I would rather pretend don’t happen). But all in all well worth your time until the end. Then it wraps up in a way that makes you feel like you got a sweater on Christmas that is two sizes too small and smells of cat pee but your grandma knitted it and you have to wear it all day. Also the sweater causes cancer. But I enjoyed it all the way until the last chapter. Then just sum it up yourself burning the last chapter and you will be much happier.

Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss, new author, (in the sense that he only has one book out right now) but he has probably been writing for many years. This book amazed me. It is part one of the King Killer series and the only drawback is that you will have to wait till 2009 for part two. If you like fantasy at all you should love this début unless you are strange or stupid or something then I hate you and you shouldn’t be reading my blog. No you are ok just keep it in line next time.

Now the hype is all done and you can say what you want but Harry Potter was a great series. J.K. Rowling did an amazing job at painting the world in a new light and hopefully opening the fantasy genera for generations to come. Great job with foreshadowing and intricate plot sub lines and characters that makes the second read through just as enjoyable as the first. If you never gave these a chance try them. They are a fun quick read that transcends generational gaps so that there is a little something for everyone.

Let’s talk about Robert Jordan for a moment and the Wheel of Time series. The first three books, albeit long winded in detail, (almost tolkien-ish) were enough to get you hooked on the characters and the underlining story. Now what the underlining story is I have no actual idea. No seriously, the books are so complex that I get the gist of what is going on and I really want to understand but after reading like 700,000 pages about curtains and dresses of the court and why magic is the way that it is and why it is ok for the main character to have multiple girlfriends because he is the chosen one, that my brain had to drop the main plot elements to make room for all of the extra goodies. No, I am completely serious, I enjoyed the books but I have no idea why I like them at this point. Then after eleven books with 9685 pages 3,430,682 words (that's right I counted! well I looked it up, but still) the author went and died. So there is no end to this series which is ok because by the time you finish you have to start over just to remember why you where reading it in the first place. Hey, maybe that is why he called it the wheel of time. The last book is to be finished by another author but I am not sure I have an interest in reading the summation of it all by someone who cannot torture me with details until I am a quivering mass of indignation who is a glutton for punishment.

Well that should be enough to keep you busy for a while if you know of any great fantasy writers out there let me know as I am always looking for my next fix.

ACT 20: An Apple a day

Mac computers sell themselves as the “safe” alternative. Their claim is that they are easy to use, harder to infect with viruses, and an alternative to computer mainstream. But what are they really? Their symbol is an apple with a bite out of it from their former days of being apple computers, it's simplistic design is known world wide and in fact it is a symbol nearly as old as time itself. How can that be you ask? Think about it, Mac computers are of the devil. When the lord of lies first presented himself to Eve he gave her a shinny apple to take a bite out of. “Take it,” He said, “it will make you seem smarter and it is better than the main stream apples, its shinny and has no viruses and it is easy to use.” And that’s how he got Eve, with his simplistic propaganda and twisting lies! It is easy to use unless you want to print, or network, or do ANYTHING THAT NORMAL COMPUTERS CAN DO! The taint of the original lie hangs on and its name is MAC! So next time you see one do the right think spray some holy water on it (or regular works too) and watch it sizzle. Take the fight back and throw one off a building. Let no unclean thing pollute your desktop and smite it with a hammer of indignation (or a regular hammer also works) and say NO MORE! I’m on to you Mac with your programs that cost extra to do what regular computers can do already and your shinny screens that scream blasphemy and free itunes. And now you are trying to cross over into our world and take on windows as well I say no! Damn your graphical programs and ipods. Take your non compatible ram back to the pit from whence you came. I'm on to you and now is the time to spread the word Macs are of the Devil!