I work with a lot of girls and I realized that what I say is not always what they hear. So I came up with this handy translation guide.
What I said: Good Morning
What you heard: I don’t care enough about you to notice that you’re wearing new shoes
What I said: Hey do you have that report for me?
What you heard: You are incompetent and fat and I hate you and everything you do here.
What I said: You look nice today.
What you heard: You looked like crap yesterday
What I said: I’m going to lunch, be back in an hour.
What you heard: You need to loose weight and I am throwing it in your face by not inviting you to lunch even though I have never before invited you to lunch. Which means that I have always thought that you where fat, oh and I hate you.
What I said: Hey great job on that report.
What you heard: I am mocking you and think that you’re incompetent.
What I said: I’m out of here have a great night.
What you heard: Even though you’re supposed to work two more hours today because I was so insulting today wait 5 minutes after I leave then go home.
Ya My car didn’t start and I saw you leave the parking lot.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Uncomfortable Plot Summaries
I don't normally cop out and plug other sites but I found this LIST very funny. Some of my favorites are Lord of the Rings, Cheers, and Frankenstein. Seriously check it out. Also to my girl readers should defiantly read Pride and Prejudice review lol fantastic!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Really Random Thoughts... No seriously
The worst sound in the world is when you turn the roll of toilet paper in the public bathroom it lets out the torment screech of a thousand souls and you realize there is nothing left.
I like outdoors fun so I went to buy a Frisbee but when the salesman saw me he would only sell me a boomerang. Stupid insightful salesmen who know that I don’t have any friends to throw things to!
It bothers me slightly that with a minimal amount of training a monkey could do my job. In fact he would probably have better people skills.
I like outdoors fun so I went to buy a Frisbee but when the salesman saw me he would only sell me a boomerang. Stupid insightful salesmen who know that I don’t have any friends to throw things to!
It bothers me slightly that with a minimal amount of training a monkey could do my job. In fact he would probably have better people skills.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Dehydrated potatoes the silent killer.
Is buying liquid soap is just charging me for adding water, or is buying bar soap charging me for taking it out?
Dehydrated potatoes will kill you if snorted. In memory of Billy you earned that 5 dollar bet my friend. Now you'll be betting with angels. Also everyone looked at me funny at the wake for bringing funeral potatoes. Oh I just got that.....
I think that people should be more honest, then at least I would know why I was creeping you out that one day. Was it the camera or the fact that you found me in the crawl space wearing a Franky says relax t-shirt? Because I have other shirts!
I read this saying the other day: "You were born a winner! After all you were the fastest sperm." This was of course coined by a man. Then I thought about what it would say if a woman came up with it, and then all of my failed relationships came into focus. It goes like this: You where sitting there minding your own business when you where assaulted by billions of man particles trying to make you into something you weren't. Now it's pay back time!
Dehydrated potatoes will kill you if snorted. In memory of Billy you earned that 5 dollar bet my friend. Now you'll be betting with angels. Also everyone looked at me funny at the wake for bringing funeral potatoes. Oh I just got that.....
I think that people should be more honest, then at least I would know why I was creeping you out that one day. Was it the camera or the fact that you found me in the crawl space wearing a Franky says relax t-shirt? Because I have other shirts!
I read this saying the other day: "You were born a winner! After all you were the fastest sperm." This was of course coined by a man. Then I thought about what it would say if a woman came up with it, and then all of my failed relationships came into focus. It goes like this: You where sitting there minding your own business when you where assaulted by billions of man particles trying to make you into something you weren't. Now it's pay back time!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I came, I saw, I got bored and went home early
Rainy days always make me think of that one time that I peed off of a cliff, and it makes me realize. God must really be up there and it looks like he had another big gulp.
My dad bought me a new video game called homicide, it was a gun with a broken extension cord taped to the end of it. The instruction book was just a napkin with a name written on it. It was really realistic the guy I had to kill on my first mission even looked like my dads boss. I am waiting for part two to come out it's called conviction and life in jail.
Girls don't like it when I stare at them but they don't seem to like it when I ignore them either. So my new method is making eye contact for exactly 15 seconds then I run screaming from the room. So far I think its working.
My dad bought me a new video game called homicide, it was a gun with a broken extension cord taped to the end of it. The instruction book was just a napkin with a name written on it. It was really realistic the guy I had to kill on my first mission even looked like my dads boss. I am waiting for part two to come out it's called conviction and life in jail.
Girls don't like it when I stare at them but they don't seem to like it when I ignore them either. So my new method is making eye contact for exactly 15 seconds then I run screaming from the room. So far I think its working.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Funny lazy
Don't you hate it when you just don't feel funny. So I leave you with a few really funny pictures.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Easter
Make sure and have deviled eggs on Easter you know to represent all the paganism of a possessed bunny with magical powers who craps colored eggs onto your lawn. Otherwise he will sick his flying friend with a tooth fetish to come into your room at night and drool over you while you sleep then feel guilty and leave some money under your pillow, but only after stealing a tooth as a memento of your time together. I love the holidays.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Period!
So I have been trying to figure out how to breach this very delicate subject. I vote that we change the way we look at women and that special time they have once a month dubbed the period. When one thinks of a period they think of finality period suggests that something is over. But as we all know a period is just the beginning so I vote that from now on we call the period the exclamation point!
Wikipedia gives us this definition: An exclamation point is a punctuation mark: ! It is usually used after an interjection or exclamation to indicate strong feelings or high volume, and generally marks the end of a sentence. A sentence ending in an exclamation mark is either an actual exclamation ("Wow!", "Boo!"), a command ("Stop!"), or is intended to be astonishing in some way ("They were the footprints of a gigantic hound!")
Now read the definition again and think about it as a womanly thing. Strong feelings, high volume, Wow!, Boo!, for the love of all that’s holy STOP! That’s right it perfectly describes this delicate time and the frame of reference that all men should have towards it. Marking it as a period is just unfair. So I vote that all men everywhere begin to call it the exclamation point (just not anywhere your wife can hear you).
Wikipedia gives us this definition: An exclamation point is a punctuation mark: ! It is usually used after an interjection or exclamation to indicate strong feelings or high volume, and generally marks the end of a sentence. A sentence ending in an exclamation mark is either an actual exclamation ("Wow!", "Boo!"), a command ("Stop!"), or is intended to be astonishing in some way ("They were the footprints of a gigantic hound!")
Now read the definition again and think about it as a womanly thing. Strong feelings, high volume, Wow!, Boo!, for the love of all that’s holy STOP! That’s right it perfectly describes this delicate time and the frame of reference that all men should have towards it. Marking it as a period is just unfair. So I vote that all men everywhere begin to call it the exclamation point (just not anywhere your wife can hear you).
Monday, April 6, 2009
My Best Date ever
My best date ever.
She showed up an hour late which was ok I understand that girls like to get dressed up. And wearing those sweat pants that say juicy stretched across the back where probably pretty hard to squeeze into. We had a bit of a drive to restaurant I thought we could talk but she decided to text some friends. We got to the restaurant late got seated in the back and the server didn't bring us hardly any food. But it was good because instead of talking during the meal she decided to text some friends. We left I was hungry. Arrived at the comedy club were we where assaulted by the who's who of the most non funny comedians in all the land. They gathered near and far to bore the living crap out of me. My date didn't seem to mind or notice because she spent the night texting. When it was finally over we decided to end the night but it was alas not to be. Because my car was gone. It had been towed so after about an hour and a half of getting the run around with the tow truck guy. He decided to generously give me my car back for the low low cost of 200 dollars. I drove her back to her car where she promised to text me. Of that I have no doupt.
She showed up an hour late which was ok I understand that girls like to get dressed up. And wearing those sweat pants that say juicy stretched across the back where probably pretty hard to squeeze into. We had a bit of a drive to restaurant I thought we could talk but she decided to text some friends. We got to the restaurant late got seated in the back and the server didn't bring us hardly any food. But it was good because instead of talking during the meal she decided to text some friends. We left I was hungry. Arrived at the comedy club were we where assaulted by the who's who of the most non funny comedians in all the land. They gathered near and far to bore the living crap out of me. My date didn't seem to mind or notice because she spent the night texting. When it was finally over we decided to end the night but it was alas not to be. Because my car was gone. It had been towed so after about an hour and a half of getting the run around with the tow truck guy. He decided to generously give me my car back for the low low cost of 200 dollars. I drove her back to her car where she promised to text me. Of that I have no doupt.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Random thoughts return of the randomness
Make a man a fire he will be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Ahab had his whale I have my dignity. Some things where just not meant to be. At least I don't run around with a half naked Indian... well not anymore.
Croquet teaches girls a bad lesson, it is never ok to step on two balls that are close together and hit them with a mallet to see if one will go really far. Ya try not to think about this one :)
Ahab had his whale I have my dignity. Some things where just not meant to be. At least I don't run around with a half naked Indian... well not anymore.
Croquet teaches girls a bad lesson, it is never ok to step on two balls that are close together and hit them with a mallet to see if one will go really far. Ya try not to think about this one :)
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Honesty is the best policy
Honesty is the best policy; Policy subject to change without notice.
Tex-Mex should be changed to: sorry about that whole Alamo thing want some steak?
Politicians should have a 10% pay cut for every lie they tell while campaigning and a 5% for each lie told in office. The proceeds will go to balancing the budget all constituents found to be below 0% will have all or their property and assets seized then will be summarily shot. Or at least that's whats behind the slogan I am running on in 2012. Honesty or death.
What came first the chicken cordon blue or the Omelet? This will decided the age old question of feathers or eggs.
And finally an internet safety tip in the form of this picture
Tex-Mex should be changed to: sorry about that whole Alamo thing want some steak?
Politicians should have a 10% pay cut for every lie they tell while campaigning and a 5% for each lie told in office. The proceeds will go to balancing the budget all constituents found to be below 0% will have all or their property and assets seized then will be summarily shot. Or at least that's whats behind the slogan I am running on in 2012. Honesty or death.
What came first the chicken cordon blue or the Omelet? This will decided the age old question of feathers or eggs.
And finally an internet safety tip in the form of this picture
Monday, March 30, 2009
Dear Korean boy
Dear 12 year old Korean boy,
Although I appreciate it when you respond to my online dating profile posing as a hot girl. Please stop sending the same message it makes me think the hot girl is insane. Also when asking questions be more subtle don't just blurt out what is your mothers maiden name or what was your first girlfriends name then immediately go into if you had to choose a password what would it be. The pictures you send while I would like to believe that you are in fact a super model it might be a good idea not to use actual super model pictures. And if you do decide to send me a Victoria's secret picture and say that it is you, you should at least try and use the same model in all the pictures. I know that you are trying to get my social security number and if you could spell social security it might just help you out. So my tiny Korean friend keep trying because even if you where just trying to steal my credit card number at least you responded.
Although I appreciate it when you respond to my online dating profile posing as a hot girl. Please stop sending the same message it makes me think the hot girl is insane. Also when asking questions be more subtle don't just blurt out what is your mothers maiden name or what was your first girlfriends name then immediately go into if you had to choose a password what would it be. The pictures you send while I would like to believe that you are in fact a super model it might be a good idea not to use actual super model pictures. And if you do decide to send me a Victoria's secret picture and say that it is you, you should at least try and use the same model in all the pictures. I know that you are trying to get my social security number and if you could spell social security it might just help you out. So my tiny Korean friend keep trying because even if you where just trying to steal my credit card number at least you responded.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Syden Insomniacs product development
I have decided to make an air freshener that smells like buttered toast and hot coco. I will be a millionaire by Christmas.
My recent line of computer mice that where made from actual mice has made P.E.T.A file an injunction against me. I don't know what their problem is I used the dead mice that had been used in lab testing. Besides the occasional extra ear they made for a fantastic feeling mouse. Especially the ones that where test subjects for shampoo companies man those things where soft and shiny.
Due to the recent economic downturn my heated cheese graters for instant nacho's line will have to be put on hold. Also the rumors of second and third degree burns from the product have been widely exaggerated. It has a tiny warning sticker right on it that reads may exceed temperatures not meant to be seen in nature. What? I like really hot nachos.
My pharmaceutical line is working well the pill that stops spontaneous combustion for paranoid consumers has a 99% success rate (man that one guy in Oklahoma really threw my numbers off).
Also my idea to combine weight loss pills with antidepressants that taste like chocolate and freshen breath have only reported a 7% mortality rate. Which we all know is a dramatic improvement from last year.
And finally my idea to make people staying at half way houses into a mindless force of warriors to conquer my competition has not gone as planned. Luckily tho we armed them and gave them confidence and firepower they are hooked on my old line of Chocolate flavored antidepressants so the problem will work itself out eventually.
My recent line of computer mice that where made from actual mice has made P.E.T.A file an injunction against me. I don't know what their problem is I used the dead mice that had been used in lab testing. Besides the occasional extra ear they made for a fantastic feeling mouse. Especially the ones that where test subjects for shampoo companies man those things where soft and shiny.
Due to the recent economic downturn my heated cheese graters for instant nacho's line will have to be put on hold. Also the rumors of second and third degree burns from the product have been widely exaggerated. It has a tiny warning sticker right on it that reads may exceed temperatures not meant to be seen in nature. What? I like really hot nachos.
My pharmaceutical line is working well the pill that stops spontaneous combustion for paranoid consumers has a 99% success rate (man that one guy in Oklahoma really threw my numbers off).
Also my idea to combine weight loss pills with antidepressants that taste like chocolate and freshen breath have only reported a 7% mortality rate. Which we all know is a dramatic improvement from last year.
And finally my idea to make people staying at half way houses into a mindless force of warriors to conquer my competition has not gone as planned. Luckily tho we armed them and gave them confidence and firepower they are hooked on my old line of Chocolate flavored antidepressants so the problem will work itself out eventually.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Everything I need to know about social graces I learned in the elevator
After the age of eight it is almost never ok to push all the buttons to see them light up. Unless you see that a pretty girl is about to get on and you need more time to stare at her awkwardly trying to think of something cleaver to say and all that pops out is uh it wasn't me who pushed those.
Never stare directly at a pretty girl without blinking. Just because you won that staring contest that one time does not make it a marketable skill.
Never fart on an elevator the next person to get on will be your boss, a pretty girl, or it will be so horrible in the confined space that you will be clawing at the doors like a drowning victim gasping for air.
Never under any circumstances push the emergency stop button unlike the movies this will probably get you confined to the elevator for most of your morning. And just in case you where desperate and pushed the button to get even more time to strike up a conversation with that pretty girl remember this. A fireman will be the one coming to get you out. A strapping bulky fireman with arms like tree trunks with eyes the color of the sea after a storm. Why all firemen have those eyes I don't know something to do with smoke inhalation. And the first question he will ask is how stupid are you to push that button. The girl will laugh and it will all be over.
You know what screw it I'm taking the stairs.
Never stare directly at a pretty girl without blinking. Just because you won that staring contest that one time does not make it a marketable skill.
Never fart on an elevator the next person to get on will be your boss, a pretty girl, or it will be so horrible in the confined space that you will be clawing at the doors like a drowning victim gasping for air.
Never under any circumstances push the emergency stop button unlike the movies this will probably get you confined to the elevator for most of your morning. And just in case you where desperate and pushed the button to get even more time to strike up a conversation with that pretty girl remember this. A fireman will be the one coming to get you out. A strapping bulky fireman with arms like tree trunks with eyes the color of the sea after a storm. Why all firemen have those eyes I don't know something to do with smoke inhalation. And the first question he will ask is how stupid are you to push that button. The girl will laugh and it will all be over.
You know what screw it I'm taking the stairs.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Super random thoughts
Do you think cookie monster ever gets a fig newton in the mix and just freaks out?
Do Canadians get as mad as I do when they find an American quarter mixed in with their change while standing at vending machine and craving chocolaty goodness?
I think I might have post traumatic boredom disorder from last weekend. Seriously I am still shaken up about how bored I got.
Your not rock bottom when you attempt to commit suicide you are at rock bottom when you fail. I mean seriously can't you do anything right? (I didn't think I could feel bad about my random thoughts until just now)
Do you think that maybe the Germans didn't mean it during world war one and it was just a truth or dare game that got admittedly out of hand? Of course the world war two rematch was completely inappropriate.
I think bigfoot may have shaved himself and is currently passing him self off as a southerner with down syndrome. How else can you explain it.
Do Canadians get as mad as I do when they find an American quarter mixed in with their change while standing at vending machine and craving chocolaty goodness?
I think I might have post traumatic boredom disorder from last weekend. Seriously I am still shaken up about how bored I got.
Your not rock bottom when you attempt to commit suicide you are at rock bottom when you fail. I mean seriously can't you do anything right? (I didn't think I could feel bad about my random thoughts until just now)
Do you think that maybe the Germans didn't mean it during world war one and it was just a truth or dare game that got admittedly out of hand? Of course the world war two rematch was completely inappropriate.
I think bigfoot may have shaved himself and is currently passing him self off as a southerner with down syndrome. How else can you explain it.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Feeling lazy
Whenever I feel down I look at this picture and laugh and laugh until I cry. Then I miss Billy the best pony in the world.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Even randomer thoughts
The oldest profession in the known world is complaining; at least I have job security.
Goose feather pillows are supposed to be the softest but I find that mine starts to stink after a few days and I have to get a new goose; not really worth the effort.
If I where a T.V. producer I would do a reality show about how I go around and kill people who produce reality shows; although the final episode is kind of predictable.
People who play World of Warcraft or WoW surpassed the 11.5 million mark last year; Soon phase two of our nerdy plan to take over the world starts it involves tricking girls into liking us based on our video game prowess (we haven't worked out all the kinks yet).
This year for Easter I think I am going to hide my eggs in my neighbors yard. You know just to add to their sense of child like wonder; Also they are vegans and it is funny to see how grossed out they get at pretty colored eggs.
Goose feather pillows are supposed to be the softest but I find that mine starts to stink after a few days and I have to get a new goose; not really worth the effort.
If I where a T.V. producer I would do a reality show about how I go around and kill people who produce reality shows; although the final episode is kind of predictable.
People who play World of Warcraft or WoW surpassed the 11.5 million mark last year; Soon phase two of our nerdy plan to take over the world starts it involves tricking girls into liking us based on our video game prowess (we haven't worked out all the kinks yet).
This year for Easter I think I am going to hide my eggs in my neighbors yard. You know just to add to their sense of child like wonder; Also they are vegans and it is funny to see how grossed out they get at pretty colored eggs.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Im back
Ok after two drug addled weeks in excruciating pain I am back and will now share with you what I have learned.
When they pull a shunt out of your 'man hole' you are fully conscious they apply a local anesthesia which they jam down said 'man hole' in a tube there is no pain killer for the pain killer that they jam 4 inches down your penis. My Doctor let me know that there are a lucky few people that the anesthesia doesn't work and they can feel the entire procedure. How did I get so lucky. So after he went spelunking with his giant scope and I was lying on the cold table making sounds not unlike a whale giving birth. He used the claw attachment to pull out the shunt. Shunt sounds like such a nice word it sounds small and soothing. This is wrong. My shunt was just over a foot long and I could feel it pulling out of my kidney and sort of expected it to make the sucking sound like a plunger in a sink. Passed the prostate and out the 'man hole' it only took 15 minutes but it felt like sitting through a rendition pride and prejudice as read by a half illiterate who stutters. So now I'm back and will do my best to not let this experience get me to jaded. Actually I think I was already at the jaded maximum setting. Side note the qualifications for being a urologist are as follows: Likes to cause pain, has warm hands, no problem looking at another mans junk all day, horrible sense of humor (my urologist has one of those rock walls in his waiting room that has the water flowing down it. I know that sounds soothing but when you are surrounded by people who are in pain whenever they pee it is just cruel and unusual punishment), also you must hire at least one attractive assistant who no male patient can think about safely while in an exam room.
When they pull a shunt out of your 'man hole' you are fully conscious they apply a local anesthesia which they jam down said 'man hole' in a tube there is no pain killer for the pain killer that they jam 4 inches down your penis. My Doctor let me know that there are a lucky few people that the anesthesia doesn't work and they can feel the entire procedure. How did I get so lucky. So after he went spelunking with his giant scope and I was lying on the cold table making sounds not unlike a whale giving birth. He used the claw attachment to pull out the shunt. Shunt sounds like such a nice word it sounds small and soothing. This is wrong. My shunt was just over a foot long and I could feel it pulling out of my kidney and sort of expected it to make the sucking sound like a plunger in a sink. Passed the prostate and out the 'man hole' it only took 15 minutes but it felt like sitting through a rendition pride and prejudice as read by a half illiterate who stutters. So now I'm back and will do my best to not let this experience get me to jaded. Actually I think I was already at the jaded maximum setting. Side note the qualifications for being a urologist are as follows: Likes to cause pain, has warm hands, no problem looking at another mans junk all day, horrible sense of humor (my urologist has one of those rock walls in his waiting room that has the water flowing down it. I know that sounds soothing but when you are surrounded by people who are in pain whenever they pee it is just cruel and unusual punishment), also you must hire at least one attractive assistant who no male patient can think about safely while in an exam room.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
This Just in Wing Commander Still Sucks
So I remember years ago before the genera of video games to movies was still somewhat unexplored a group of friends and I went to see the highly anticipated Wing Commander. It was laughable at best in fact I do recall we laughed quite a bit. Someone suggested to me that the movie would only be good if you where on drugs. As luck would have it my recent bout with kidney stones let me test this theory. And guess what even on heavy pain killers Wing Commander still sucks. But not to waste the experience I decided to test some other things. The enhanced Star Wars when Han Solo talks to Jaba the Hut in the Hanger it still looks as though he is made of a combination of pudding and poo but I did giggle a little more on drugs. Veggie Tales the Movie was down right hysterical on drugs. Ultra Violet on drugs made a lot more sense. And finally 'Indiana Jones and the Mysterious bout with aliens that are made of magnetic crystal' still felt like George Lucas and Steven Spielberg took it in turns to take Harrison Ford from behind. At least that's what it felt like yes even on drugs. So I hope that clears some things up drugs just can't make some movies better yes they where that bad.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Kidney Stones and you
So I had kidney stones this week, bad enough that they had to operate. Little know fact: once in a great while they have to go in through the "man hole" to get to the gigantic stones. Now while I was on morphine that's right they gave me morphine like the soldier in Saving Private Ryan right before he died. Now while I was in this state of liquid relief these are some of the conversations I had. While sitting in the recovery room I asked a pretty nurse out on a date. When she said; "no I am sorry I'm married" I replied; it probably wouldn't have worked out anyways I have a tube in my penis.
While waiting for the surgeon to arrive I asked if they where going to shave my nether regions. When they said no I asked in a disappointed voice if they would at least buy me breakfast when it was all over and tell me that they loved me.
When I arrived at the hospital emergency room the nurse and I got chatting and she asked me how was my weekend. I replied it was awesome and was thinking of converting to masochism because the pain was just so much fun. She stared blankly for a minute then left uncomfortably.
After failing to find the vein after 7 tries and bruising my arm horribly. Every time the nurse started by saying "slight pinch" about a half an hour later after I finally had some medication in me the nurse asked me how my pain was I replied it pinches slightly then glared at her. I actually got a laugh out of the doctor at that one.
Ok I am still pretty loopy so that's all for now sorry about the hiatus loyal readers. At least I found out that after two weeks of agonizing pain that going to the emergency room wasn't a complete waist of time. So that's good news at least.
While waiting for the surgeon to arrive I asked if they where going to shave my nether regions. When they said no I asked in a disappointed voice if they would at least buy me breakfast when it was all over and tell me that they loved me.
When I arrived at the hospital emergency room the nurse and I got chatting and she asked me how was my weekend. I replied it was awesome and was thinking of converting to masochism because the pain was just so much fun. She stared blankly for a minute then left uncomfortably.
After failing to find the vein after 7 tries and bruising my arm horribly. Every time the nurse started by saying "slight pinch" about a half an hour later after I finally had some medication in me the nurse asked me how my pain was I replied it pinches slightly then glared at her. I actually got a laugh out of the doctor at that one.
Ok I am still pretty loopy so that's all for now sorry about the hiatus loyal readers. At least I found out that after two weeks of agonizing pain that going to the emergency room wasn't a complete waist of time. So that's good news at least.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Hiatus
Work is super busy so I am taking a Hiatus from blog posting for a while.
If You have thoughts you'd like to see for future posts please leave a comment.
If You have thoughts you'd like to see for future posts please leave a comment.
Friday, February 20, 2009
The Very modle of a modern Major Techie guy
In my mind it is set to the The Pirates of Penzance Major General song.
I am the very model of a modern major techie guy
I work on computers all day and night trying to make them not die
I know the codes of sql, java, php, and the language of the internet.
Which makes my humor sometimes socially inept
And when I ROFL on the floor at something that I have just seen
I log on to Facebook, mail, and my blog, to link the screen
I am a geek so proudly and hope that you would join our ranks
Otherwise we’ll mock you Noob hold on a sec I have to tank
So what I am saying might sound somewhat weird to you
But I love my geekdom it’s not just a job I have to do
I logic out the problems that would probably make your head explode
And yes restart your computer and your outlook will surely load
Now I have to code a while to make something that you did alright
Don’t worry ‘bout the overtime I don’t really sleep at night
As long as managers continue to act this way I know I’m great
I’ll have job security for I have their mistakes on my plate
My schedules full for now and it won’t change anytime soon
Because I have all the passwords and that would spell their doom
It is so great to be a modern major techie guy
And if you piss me off I’ll hack the nukes and we all will die
So be nice to your IT they know your secretes in and out
We read your email listen to your calls so please have no doubt
We could destroy you but we choose to sit quietly
We need these paychecks to pay the WOW subscription fees
So have no fear your safe from all us modern major techie guys
As long as you leave us alone we’ll promises to make it look like we try.
I am the very model of a modern major techie guy
I work on computers all day and night trying to make them not die
I know the codes of sql, java, php, and the language of the internet.
Which makes my humor sometimes socially inept
And when I ROFL on the floor at something that I have just seen
I log on to Facebook, mail, and my blog, to link the screen
I am a geek so proudly and hope that you would join our ranks
Otherwise we’ll mock you Noob hold on a sec I have to tank
So what I am saying might sound somewhat weird to you
But I love my geekdom it’s not just a job I have to do
I logic out the problems that would probably make your head explode
And yes restart your computer and your outlook will surely load
Now I have to code a while to make something that you did alright
Don’t worry ‘bout the overtime I don’t really sleep at night
As long as managers continue to act this way I know I’m great
I’ll have job security for I have their mistakes on my plate
My schedules full for now and it won’t change anytime soon
Because I have all the passwords and that would spell their doom
It is so great to be a modern major techie guy
And if you piss me off I’ll hack the nukes and we all will die
So be nice to your IT they know your secretes in and out
We read your email listen to your calls so please have no doubt
We could destroy you but we choose to sit quietly
We need these paychecks to pay the WOW subscription fees
So have no fear your safe from all us modern major techie guys
As long as you leave us alone we’ll promises to make it look like we try.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I am sorry I killed your cat, so what are you doing later?
If you fall down the stairs but on a fast moving escalator would you just keep falling forever?
If Ducklings are baby ducks then I don't think I am going to eat dumplings anymore.
You park on a driveway and drive on a parkway what I guess I am trying to say in a roundabout way is that I am sorry I killed your cat. I found out later that this was not an appropriate time to ask her out on a date.
I thought that clowns where supposed to be cheerful fun loving people they seemed pretty somber at my Fiances Dads funeral (see Questions Every Man has to ask himself Feb 17. I don't know maybe they where still mad at me for pretending to push them off the curb at the wake and laughing.
Ever get set up on a blind date and find out that she is a saleswoman named Mindy? The night was going fine till I called her Steve. (see Phun on the Fone Feb 18)
If Ducklings are baby ducks then I don't think I am going to eat dumplings anymore.
You park on a driveway and drive on a parkway what I guess I am trying to say in a roundabout way is that I am sorry I killed your cat. I found out later that this was not an appropriate time to ask her out on a date.
I thought that clowns where supposed to be cheerful fun loving people they seemed pretty somber at my Fiances Dads funeral (see Questions Every Man has to ask himself Feb 17. I don't know maybe they where still mad at me for pretending to push them off the curb at the wake and laughing.
Ever get set up on a blind date and find out that she is a saleswoman named Mindy? The night was going fine till I called her Steve. (see Phun on the Fone Feb 18)
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Phun on the Fone
As the IT Manager at my job I often get solicited by all kinds of sales people cold calling and trying to sell me something. This is one of those conversations.
Saleswoman Mindy: Hello is this Syden
Syden: Yes.... Who is this?
Saleswoman Mindy: Hi my name is Mindy and I have an exciting offer for you from somecrapywebsite.com. Let me ask you do you do all the purchasing for your company?
(A bit of back story now this is the sixth call I have received from this company and they all use the same script my previous attempts to get on their do not call list have all failed. So this time I was prepared.)
Syden: Why yes I do Steve and I would love to find some kind of helpful website to aid me in my decision making process.
Saleswoman Mindy: Great and my name was Mindy by the way, we can help you with all of your needs the services...
Syden: Wait did you say your name was Mindy Steve? That seems like a strange name when did you have it changed?
Saleswoman Mindy:*completely thrown off by the interruption* What no my name is Just Mindy not Mindy Steve.
Syden: Oh I am sorry I thought you said Steve hey do you guys sell car insurance too?
Saleswoman Mindy: Wait what?.... No we just sell computer parts... in fact we have some great offers right now.
Syden: Hmm do you know anyone who does sell car insurance because I am looking to save some money?
Saleswoman Mindy: No I'm sorry I don't we just sell computer parts and help you make the best purchase decisions for your company.
Syden: Oh I'm sorry Jessica that was a dumb question. Could you help me decide what to put into say a server?
Saleswoman Mindy: *Pauses for a minute* Yes we could do just that.
Syden: What, oh I wasn't talking to you sorry Jessica just came into my office. Sorry that was rude of me please continue.
Saleswoman Mindy: Oh well I could help you make those kinds of decisions about servers and work stations.
Syden: Really that would be great what do you think about a server that could like transform into something else?
Saleswoman Mindy: What? Like a transformer....no we don't do that if you would like to look at our website it has..
Syden: How about a keyboard that typed for me? I get tired of typing but I hate voice recognition software because it just tells on me.
Saleswoman Mindy: *Long Pause* Did you say that you where the IT Manager for your entire company?
Syden You know I just can't get over how much you sound like a Steve have you ever thought of cutting your hair and changing your name?
Saleswoman Mindy: Um sir I'm not sure we can help you with what you need.
Syden: Do you guys sell medication of any kind?
Saleswoman Mindy: What um no just computer parts.
Syden: Hmm that's not what Steve said.
Saleswoman Mindy: What who is this Steve?
Syden: Hey do you like parrots? Not as birds but to eat? I know this great place Mandy and we could talk shop over parrot. I get the beak though it is kind of a tradition.
Saleswoman Mindy: Uh....Uh... I don't think we can help you today thank you for your time.
Syden: Hold on Mindy... you still there?
Saleswoman Mindy: Look sir if you are just going to waste my time.
Syden: Oh I am so sorry I hate it when people call me and waste my time don't you Mandy? *click* Mindy? Steve? Huh she must have hung up.
Saleswoman Mindy: Hello is this Syden
Syden: Yes.... Who is this?
Saleswoman Mindy: Hi my name is Mindy and I have an exciting offer for you from somecrapywebsite.com. Let me ask you do you do all the purchasing for your company?
(A bit of back story now this is the sixth call I have received from this company and they all use the same script my previous attempts to get on their do not call list have all failed. So this time I was prepared.)
Syden: Why yes I do Steve and I would love to find some kind of helpful website to aid me in my decision making process.
Saleswoman Mindy: Great and my name was Mindy by the way, we can help you with all of your needs the services...
Syden: Wait did you say your name was Mindy Steve? That seems like a strange name when did you have it changed?
Saleswoman Mindy:*completely thrown off by the interruption* What no my name is Just Mindy not Mindy Steve.
Syden: Oh I am sorry I thought you said Steve hey do you guys sell car insurance too?
Saleswoman Mindy: Wait what?.... No we just sell computer parts... in fact we have some great offers right now.
Syden: Hmm do you know anyone who does sell car insurance because I am looking to save some money?
Saleswoman Mindy: No I'm sorry I don't we just sell computer parts and help you make the best purchase decisions for your company.
Syden: Oh I'm sorry Jessica that was a dumb question. Could you help me decide what to put into say a server?
Saleswoman Mindy: *Pauses for a minute* Yes we could do just that.
Syden: What, oh I wasn't talking to you sorry Jessica just came into my office. Sorry that was rude of me please continue.
Saleswoman Mindy: Oh well I could help you make those kinds of decisions about servers and work stations.
Syden: Really that would be great what do you think about a server that could like transform into something else?
Saleswoman Mindy: What? Like a transformer....no we don't do that if you would like to look at our website it has..
Syden: How about a keyboard that typed for me? I get tired of typing but I hate voice recognition software because it just tells on me.
Saleswoman Mindy: *Long Pause* Did you say that you where the IT Manager for your entire company?
Syden You know I just can't get over how much you sound like a Steve have you ever thought of cutting your hair and changing your name?
Saleswoman Mindy: Um sir I'm not sure we can help you with what you need.
Syden: Do you guys sell medication of any kind?
Saleswoman Mindy: What um no just computer parts.
Syden: Hmm that's not what Steve said.
Saleswoman Mindy: What who is this Steve?
Syden: Hey do you like parrots? Not as birds but to eat? I know this great place Mandy and we could talk shop over parrot. I get the beak though it is kind of a tradition.
Saleswoman Mindy: Uh....Uh... I don't think we can help you today thank you for your time.
Syden: Hold on Mindy... you still there?
Saleswoman Mindy: Look sir if you are just going to waste my time.
Syden: Oh I am so sorry I hate it when people call me and waste my time don't you Mandy? *click* Mindy? Steve? Huh she must have hung up.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Questions every man has to ask himself
Ever come to the realization that the guy you just killed probably wasn't a highlander and you will probably have to answer for yet another decapitation?
The clown asked me what he could do to make me laugh officer. It's not my fault I think that a clown getting hit by a car is funny. Also he was standing awfully close to the curb so really are the handcuffs so necessary? Man his big red shoes flew so far! Why aren't you laughing, he died doing what he loved? Oh I see your mad because I made you hit a clown with your squad car aren't you?
When not to ask: Will you marry me? Stop crying I'm sure you're dad is in a better place right now. Also it was that cop who technically hit him with his car not me. So how about it?
I know that you will be tempted to walk up to Bigfoot and see if he truly is the gentle giant of the forest. But ask yourself isn't that just a grizzly bear? And why am I covered in honey?
Remember when you got abducted over spring break and that alien probed you again, and again, and again, and again, and again, then made you slow dance to lady in red? I'm sorry that was a joke that admittedly went to far. But in my defense the midget we got to dress up like an alien was really into you. So do you forgive me?
The clown asked me what he could do to make me laugh officer. It's not my fault I think that a clown getting hit by a car is funny. Also he was standing awfully close to the curb so really are the handcuffs so necessary? Man his big red shoes flew so far! Why aren't you laughing, he died doing what he loved? Oh I see your mad because I made you hit a clown with your squad car aren't you?
When not to ask: Will you marry me? Stop crying I'm sure you're dad is in a better place right now. Also it was that cop who technically hit him with his car not me. So how about it?
I know that you will be tempted to walk up to Bigfoot and see if he truly is the gentle giant of the forest. But ask yourself isn't that just a grizzly bear? And why am I covered in honey?
Remember when you got abducted over spring break and that alien probed you again, and again, and again, and again, and again, then made you slow dance to lady in red? I'm sorry that was a joke that admittedly went to far. But in my defense the midget we got to dress up like an alien was really into you. So do you forgive me?
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