Wednesday, February 15, 2017

A letter to people about pain killers.

A letter to people about pain killers

I see a lot of websites were people in chronic pain are asking for help from the community or from Doctors. These questions range from how do I stay awake or alert when my body is always so tired all the way to questions about how to poop when you are on pain killers.

A few things to consider first: People who genuinely need to be on painkillers are not dope addicts so don’t treat us like it is somehow our fault. Just from my experience I see a Doctor every month which means I get my blood pressure taken, weight, fill out a pretty personal questionnaire and talk to a doctor about how I am doing. Not to mention random urine screenings to make sure that one I am taking the right medication but more importantly that everything is alright internally with things like my kidneys. So when you give me advice that I did not ask for it is not helpful and frankly insulting. You know absolutely nothing about my situation and frankly your intermittent back pain that goes away if you take a hot bath or a few Tylenol does not qualify you to tell me I don’t need medication to get over my pain.

A not so quick side note about what it is like to be in chronic pain. If you have not experienced this you literally cannot understand because everything in your life up to this point has had an end. I’m speaking a little for other sufferers of chronic illnesses here as well. When you get sick somewhere in the back of your mind you know you will get better soon. That horrible headache that feels like it will never end eventually does, when you hurt your back or break your knee or rip all the tendons out of your leg. Still you don’t understand, because even if you don’t know exactly when your nightmare has an end.

Now imagine that your worst flu or the time you fell down the stairs and hurt yourself so bad you hoped you could die, imagine if those symptoms never went away. Imagine dealing with that flu or back pain for years, not off and on or just when you stand up but all the damn time. Imagine if it woke you up in the middle of the night. Imagine if even in your dreams your body is screaming at you for some kind of relief. Now go deal with that for a few years. It is a little like having a nail in your skull that someone taps on with a sledge hammer every 2 to 10 seconds and you don’t know when it’s coming. Then someone comes along and tells you it is all in your mind. Then they try and tell you that rubbing essential oils on your feet and thinking about puppies will make it all go away.

You don’t think we have tried literally anything that might help? (I don’t go to two hours of physical therapy every single day because it’s fun, it F&$%@ing hurts. I can barely move after I’m done it gets so bad at times my body literally shuts down because I cannot handle a single ounce more pain.)

Now let’s add all of that fun stuff up the fatigue + the wear and tear + the damage to our psyche + the emotional toll it all takes. Now let’s take you dear reader let’s add up all the stuff you go through on daily basis and add to the total. The bad days, the restless nights, getting sick, and paying bills. We still get to do all of those fun things as well.

So now that you have all your problems and add on a nice steaming pile of never ending searing hot pain on top. Do you really think that after all that I want to hear a lecture about how being on pain medication is bad? Don’t you think I would give literally anything to make it stop? You think I want to be on pain meds? I hate them I hate everything about them.

But just because some jack off decides his life isn’t interesting enough and drives his car into a wall on meds doesn’t mean any of us are like that idiot. We aren’t using pain meds to escape reality we are taking pain meds to be part of it. So next time someone asks you for advice don’t lecture us on homeopathic medicine and how getting off the pain meds would magically make all our other problems go away. It sounds like you use this magic fairy dust of alternative medicine and still have problems so why would my life be any different? You are not a doctor and certainly you’re not my doctor.

I came to you for help and you told me I was living my life wrong. It’s like I came to you because I was hungry and you told me hunger was just an illusion. I came to you because I was sad and you told me I was breathing wrong. I came to you on the internet because I feel so closed off from the world that I had no one else to turn to and you told me it was my fault. I told you I was bleeding and you offered me a snide comment and essential oils. (Seriously what is it with people thinking essential oils can literally cure anything?)

Try to understand I am not trying to attack you, we lash out because we are always under attack. Our bodies are attacking us, our minds are attacking us, even those we reach out to attack us. We get dirty looks from pharmacists like we are heroin addicts or untrustworthy. We are constantly questioned by our doctors our insurance companies and our own families.

Even when we have medical proof because they cannot see our pain they don’t understand. They say things like “you look like you are feeling so much better.” When really we just learn to hide it from others. So please when we ask you for help it’s because we are near the end of our rope. So don’t slap away our outstretched hand with condemnation and judgment. Just answer the question we asked, in short try not to be a dick.

Monday, December 28, 2015

I want my perfect comfy back

Remember the good old days in when you would fall asleep and wake up in the morning. Nothing happened in between just good dreams and comfy sheets and soft pillows. But now that beautiful dream of sleeping through the night uninterrupted is shattered by urge to pee. What happened? Seriously I have the same equipment I started with did my bladder shrink somehow? I know blah blah blah enlarged prostates and all that garbage. But women have this problem as they get older too so that’s bull crap. I carefully craft the walls of my comfort level, rearrange my pillows to the cold side gradually step by step. Until finally I have reached a state of perfect comfy I no longer know were my body ends and the sheets begin. Then like a siren call my bladder starts to sing to me. I can’t resist I rush to the bathroom I finish as quickly as possible. But you can never regain perfect comfy it escapes somehow. You try to rebuild but it’s just not the same you can never regain the same level of comfy you left behind. I just want to sleep damn it, I hate you bladder.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Good Day

I was having a pretty good day. My hair fell in a way I wish I could permanently have it but probably will never see again. My cloths felt like they fit better than they ever have. But best of all that strange smell in my house went away on its own after no effort at all from me to locate and contain it. I went to the store because let’s face it when you have a great day other people need to see it. I could feel a pretty cashier smiling at me and my confidence soared. This is the point that my brain decided to help remember that embarrassing thing I did when I was in high school. I attempted to pull up from the strange shame spiral. But my brain countered with every stupid thing I have ever said to a girl. So I guess it’s back to sweatpants and sitting alone in the dark. Thanks for nothing brain.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

A plea to movie makers

So there are a few stupid things that film makers do that will instantly ruin a perfectly good movie. One is shaky cam. You just spent 35 million dollars to show me an amazing fight scene and the camera is shaking about so much that I can’t see what the hell is going on! It is nauseating overused and I am done with movies that think it’s artistic. It is not artistic it is lazy, that’s right lazy. You are trying to add confusion to a scene and you decided that instead of letting your work speak for itself you thought I’ll give the audience vertigo and make them puke stop it! The second is sound editing and I don’t think that this one gets enough attention. Lots of people complain about shaky cam but poor sound is one that everyone has an example but the outrage just isn’t there. Let me explain what I am taking about. You rent a movie that you have been dying to see but just couldn’t make it to the theater for whatever reason. You get home and in the first couple of minutes adjust the volume on your TV to the right level so you can sit back and lose yourself in the movie. But then the action starts and all of the sudden your ear drums are being blasted out of your head. So once again you adjust the volume this time down. But talking starts up again and it is too damn low to hear what they are saying. So then you spend the whole movie with the remote in your hand trying not to get blasted by explosions or miss important dialog. Level out the damn sound! I know that you think THX Surround sound in the theater is the only thing you have to worry about when making a movie. But most of your money is going to come from after sales and I assume you want your body of work to be one that stands up to the test of time. So please do your damn job and stop releasing movies where the volume is so skewed that it ruins the whole experience

Thursday, July 31, 2014

I'm Back

So I have decided to start writing on my blog again and just not tell anyone to see what happens. It has been 4 years since I stopped writing. I had just moved to a new job and didn’t have an abundance of free time like I used to at my old job. But more and more I am considering writing a book in my free time and I know in order to do that one must commit to writing every day. So to sort of jump start being in my own writing head space again I am re-launching Insomniacs Guide to the World. I hope you all enjoy it. A little about me before I start up again so that you know where I am coming from. I am a single white male early 30’s. I was forced to stop working because of a chronic pain upon which I found out that somehow I had blown out 3 discs in my back and I started my journey through specialist hell. So I am sure that I will talk a bit about pain how it affects people and personal insights. All with my standard good cheer of course but with a dash of bitterness tinged with real pain. I am sure I have lost most of my regular readers but I am sure this will remedy itself in time. Or not I am not really writing this for others but for myself. However I do appreciate comments they let me know that someone out there actually reads this crap and that makes me feel all special inside. Stay tuned more to come.

Friday, March 19, 2010

An ode to the Chinese girl that I used to think was really hot whom I now call monkey butt

You are the Chinese girl at the place I work
I think that you are perhaps a clerk
I used to smile and say hello
When you didn’t answer I just went with the flow
I helped you carry boxes to your car
Which wasn’t fair ‘cause it was really far
You never smiled or even said thank you
It hurt my feelings but you don’t have a clue
I tried to be nice but I always fail
So I spread the rumor that you have a vestigial tail

Thursday, March 18, 2010


Averages: If you where to say the average person slept 7 hours a night by the time they are 80 they will have slept 204400 hrs. I on the other hand only sleep 2-4 hours a night so on average 3 hrs in 80 years I will only have slept 87600 hrs. That is a difference of 116800 hrs or 13.33 years at 80 I will have been awake 13.33 years longer than an average person. Some might think this is cool I on the other hand think that by the time I am 80 I will reach such a state of Uber-boredom that time will cease to exist all together and I will finally unlock time travel. Unfortunately I will realize that the only use for ‘boredom black hole capacitor technology’ (patent pending) is to go back and watch old infomercials of the sham wow guy and that really cool car wax that protects your paint from laser beams.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Famous Personals

If the characters in popular TV shows/movies wrote personal adds.

Biter seeks bite-y
130 year old virgin Vampire with abandonment issues seeks 15 or 16 year old girl to seduce.
Likes: Long walks on the beach (at night), Brooding about my tortured past, watching you while you sleep, and cheerleaders who like emo Goths.
Don’t like: Garlic, wooden furniture, mirrors, or fatties.

I know what’s wrong with you
50’s something Doctor with limp seeks emotionally healthy prey that I can destroy slowly and without remorse.
Likes: Drugs, hookers, piano music, and strange diseases
Dislikes: Puzzles that can’t be solved, people that can’t be broken, and obvious answers

No fate but what we make
Future leader of mankind seeks bunker buddy to hang out with during robot uprising.
Likes: Guns, Computer hacking, and road trips
Dislikes: Skynet, robots, and overly protective mother types

Branch Manager seeks Scranton hottie
Funny, smart, intelligent, lonely paper manager seeks hot, non-judgmental, supermodel type to have lots of children with so I won’t die alone.
Likes: Jokes, being the best boss, and hot chicks
Don’t like: People who don’t laugh at obviously hilarious jokes, fatties, and women who can’t see how completely amazing I am.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

How to ace a job interview

With the economy the way it is these days and unemployment reaching new heights of despairitude odds are you are going to be going on a job interview. That means that you have passed phase one and they have either not caught on that your resume is a complete lie. Or they are trying to figure out how on earth you could have put 'first person to do the crab walk on the moon' and keep a straight face when asked about it. But with so many people out of work you need to stand out here are some tips on how to answer the tough questions they might ask.

Describe yourself in 5 words or less: Way way better than you. This shows that you are not only awesome but you compared yourself to them which is flattering and why wouldn't they want to hire a better version of themselves?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? A lonely survivor of the Zombie Apocalypse having killed all of my friends after they turned, desperately seeking safe haven in a world of horrors that never end. Expect shocked silence after this one as he thinks of you as a brave warrior. This shows your resilience, your ability to adapt to new situations, and your go to attitude.

What did you like least about your last job? I didn't like how when people didn't pay on time they made me leave the room then used loud party poppers. Then they had to call the guy they call "the cleaner" to handle all of the after party fun, and not once did I get invited or even get a piece of cake. This will show that you enjoy company activities and would like to participate in future company events. Don't get fooled into saying to many bad things about your last boss this question is a trap.

Why did you leave your last job? After the FBI raid I felt that the company I was working for had a poor future plus there were no stock options. Use this question as an opportunity to look for company benefits, like stock options.

What is your greatest strength? My greatest strength is my ability to know what others around me are thinking. It is ok to turn away and blush at what your boss just thought about you at this point. It makes him believe that you might actually have some super human trait he is looking for to put together a secret crime fighting team. And that is not something you want turn down.

What is your greatest weakness? My greatest weakness is that after I used my greatest strength to tell what people around me are really thinking I tend to cry a lot. Use your weakness to fortify his belief in your greater strength.

At this point you have all but assured your place back in the work force, good luck out there.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Things that bother me

A small list of things that bother me feel free to add to it in the comments section.

Girls in books or shows who think that they can change a Vampires after 265 years of being blood sucking monsters.

Why do movies that have the technology to show me really cool fight scenes decided at the last minute to hand the camera to the kid with seizures during all the intense action? Thus making me nauseous and completely miss what is actually happening except the gist yes, they fought got it… thanks for nothing.

Chain letters even if they have a good point, something funny, or a great picture that I might have considered forwarding on anyways. If I get to the bottom and it tells me to send it to 7 people or I will die a grizzly death it goes to the garbage. Stop it! A forward of a forward of a forward is no longer mail and will no longer be tolerated.

When a girl plucks her eyebrows till they no longer exist then draw them on with a blue pencil. Let me tell you what guys look for in eyebrows. Are there two of them? Can you see out from under them? That is all.

I saw an interesting preview, my friends went to see it and said it was great, so I go to the video store to rent it and all they have is the Uncensored and uncut version. There is usually a reason it was cut and censored and I want to see the damned version that got good reviews. Not the 7 hour version of dances with wolves! Note there is actually a 7 hour version of Dances with Wolves. I do not recommend this unless you are masochist with a death wish and think rising action is a guy riding on a horse for two hours.

When I reply to a coworkers morning greeting of “How are you?” with the obligatory “good, how are you?” And they respond by telling me all about their problems for the next 45 minutes. If we are friends great, if I only talk to you because I am forced to by company etiquette please leave me alone.

When people ask me if I have seen a movie, I tell them no but I am going to see it later then they talk about key plot elements in front of me insisting that it ruins nothing. Little secret if it was note worthy then it does matter!!!

When I am watching a show online or on T.V. and the commercials are way louder than the show.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Super powers that would really suck to have

Read minds: Sure you might think this is awesome to know peoples thoughts but if you couldn’t turn it off you’d be popping prozac like skittles by the end of the week. People are depressing horrible beings and I am just thinking about my own thoughts. I shudder to think what some of the other people I know think about in spare moments.

X-ray vision: Sure you think it would be cool to see through walls and cloths but odds are if it was a powerful gift you would spend most of your time looking at people’s bones. And if you where ever to develop a close relationship with anyone they would die of radiation poisoning by the end of your first anniversary

Telekinesis: I am guessing moving things with your mind would be awesome except for the fact that I am guessing obesity in the guy who doesn’t have to walk to the cupboard to get Cheetos is pretty high. Also when you where sleeping odds are that you would move your room around in your sleep and that would make it hard to find your clean shocks in the morning.

Super breath: The ability to inhale or exhale with gale force winds might be useful on a sail boat but the second you sneeze someone is going to die.

Regeneration: If you are constantly regenerating then your pain receptors would never ever develop and you would have no pain threshold at all every time you stubbed your toe would be agony, sure it might grow back nice and neat but you would pass out like a baby every time.

Super human smell: Self explanatory I can barley stand the smells I deal with now. And passing a gym would probably kill you.

Waterbreathing: This would be cool at the beach for about 2 hours till you got all pruny and it started to hurt that you where underwater that long. Oh and the sewers dump just off the coast so enjoy.

See the future: You will only see reruns on TV for ever after and will always be bored.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Statute of Friendly Limitations

In our justice system when a petty crimes and misdemeanors pass a certain amount of time they are forgotten. Even singed contracts can’t be sued if in breach if to much time has gone by, this law is called the Statute of Limitations. Well there is another kind of contract that people abide by called the social contract. This can be as simple as smiling back to someone who smiled at you, or doing that shoulder shrug and raised eyebrow thing people do when waiting for the same elevator. But one of the most annoying part of this social contract is when you are bound by social graces to say hi to someone you haven’t talked to in 10 years and could care less about. The conversation always goes the same way.

Random person you know you should know but are struggling with all your might to remember their name: “Hey man how’s it going?”

“Good,” awkward pause “How you doing?” often followed by the shuffling of feet or looking back apologetically to the people you came with but now are ignoring.

“I’m good, what you been up to?” The question hangs in the air like ever thickening pea soup as you try and figure out how to sum up the past 10 years of rising and falling action in as few words as possible without leaving room for follow up questions.

“Good,” you finally answer desperately choking back the answer you want to give which is always ‘why are we talking, and why do you care?’ “I’m good, just work and stuff you know.” The answer hangs there like a dead raccoon that has been reanimated back to life and only seems interested in humping your leg. You shuffle again uncomfortably trying to take it back, kicking unconsciously at the figment raccoon knowing that you have in fact left an opening for a questions and hoping that it goes unnoticed.

“Oh,” They answer seeing the opening “where you working these days?”

You sigh inwardly and look back at your friends once more but they are also bound by the contract not to interrupt unless invited to do so, and at the same time knowing that any move towards them will inevitably make this take much, much longer than it needs to. “I am an IT Manager at a small company,” You get to excited feeling that this horror will be ending soon and before you realize what you have done you ask, “How about you?”

“I am blah, blah at the blah, blah-oligist, and it is so rewarding blah, blah, blah, Marriage, blah, blah, me, me, me, Children, blah, blah, …”
Sorry my brain has shut down at this point to protect me from the insufferable boredom and I can’t honestly tell you what was said and I was trying to kick away a zombie raccoon at the time inconspicuously so I wasn’t really paying that close of attention anyways. Then you realize that they have finally stopped talking about their lunar land rover adventure in money town. So you quickly add hoping with all your might that this will end.

“That’s great well it was great to see you.” Even though you both know that this is a lie and will have to be repeated in 5 to 10 years.

“Ya, nice to see you too.”

So I vote that we institute a Statute of Friendly Limitations in which you may break social contracts and outright ignore people for which you know casually, as long as two years has passed since your acquaintance started. For instance if you ran into someone from high school that you had one class with and you talked occasionally, after two years you would no longer be obligated to recognize the said relationship.
If you dated someone in high school then the contract changes so that two years since the relationship ended plus double the time you spent together. So if you dated for a year in high school you would have to wait 4 years to ignore them. Adding of course one year if ‘I love you’ was said on both sides, and one year for each base you rounded together. So if I dated a girl for a year in high school told her I loved her with reciprocation and got to second base I would have to wait 7 years to completely ignore them. With a contractual clause of course for first kiss, or home base which moves it from a misdemeanor relationship to a felony relationship for which the Statute of Friendly Limitations does not apply. All rights are waved if you attended a high school reunion and may God have mercy on your soul if you choose to do so. This is just a rough draft of the Statute of Friendly Limitations so if you have suggestions or revisions please let me know so that we can hammer this thing out and get it in circulation just as soon as possible.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Return

So after 4 months of testing countless hours in waiting rooms and having to pretend to be nice to nurses so they don't hurt me anymore I have returned. Sure they still have no idea what's wrong with me but people have been asking "whats wrong with you!" for as long as I can remember. At least now I can assure them that there is no diagnosable medical reason. That being said let us begin.

I thought I would ease back into it with some random thoughts.

When carving a pumpkin use a knife rather than 5 M-80 explosives and a drill. I find that while the carving takes longer with the knife, the clean up does not involve me standing on the table mopping the ceiling.

A good costume is a ghost or a vampire a bad costume is dressing up as the chief of polices recently dead wife. The good news is I have a great prison jumpsuit costume now. On a side note I can't make your Halloween party I was detained.

Even though Halloween is close it is almost never a good idea to comment on the costume of the nurse who will be drawing your blood. So I said you looked good as a slutty nurse the 15 pricks to find the vein was mostly uncalled for.

If you ever have the chance to look deep into a girls eyes and tell her how you really feel deep down inside avoid the phrase "pancake butt" at all cost.

It is almost never ok to send me pictures of cute puppies and kitties that you thought would brighten my day. Until this trend stops I will be replying with a drawing of what I think you look like naked. I had to edit it for younger viewers.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Six Degrees of desperation

Six degrees of separation (also referred to as the "Human Web") refers to the idea that, if a person is one step away from each person they know and two steps away from each person who is known by one of the people they know, then everyone is at most six steps away from any other person on Earth. It was popularized by a play written by John Guare.

On the other hand Six degrees of Desperation (also referred to as my "dating pool") refers to the idea that, If I make a big enough idiot of myself that people tell and retell the story of my idiocy. That if each person tells just one other person they know that eventually every girl on the planet will know me as "that guy." This theory has been percolating in the back of my mind since the days of Lorena Bobbit. She did one incredibly idiotic thing and now her dating pool is 0 based on the same series of events.

So basically it comes down to this; on a small scale I tested it out by telling just one girl in the office I work at something stupid I did. By the end of the day every girl in the entire office had that "I know what you did" look as I passed by. Bringing this to a big scale I and the amount of time I spend doing stupid things that people talk about I am guessing that in 6 months time I will be un-datable.
(What stupid thing did I do that I told a coworker about? I'm sure if you read half of my past blogs you will figure it out eventually.)

Monday, September 28, 2009

It's probably the fuel filter

Sometimes I enjoy trolling yahoo answers to give back to the community I am hoping for best answer on this one.

Original poster:
My boyfriend is cheating on me what do I do?
Last night I left my boyfriends house I got a few miles down the street and my car stalled and broke down because I live pretty far away I just decided to walk back to his house. It took me about 40 minutes and when I got there I could see through the window he was kissing some other girl. I was crushed we have been dating for over 6 months and she didn't look familiar at all. I stood there for a while in disbelief but I didn’t know what to do so I just left. What do I do I really like this guy and I don’t want to loose him but I am just so confused right now?

Syden Insomniac:
If the car stalls all the time, the general reason is that there is probably either a fuel or an ignition problem causing the engine to cut out. Of course, there could be any number of things wrong with your car if it stalls during normal driving (i.e., not when starting from stationary). I recommend a tune-up also it would be a good idea to check your spark plugs, and charging system, and when was the last time you changed your fuel filter?

Friday, September 25, 2009

T.V. Land

Sorry loyal readers I have been ill and when you are trying not to die it’s hard to find time to keep up with the blog or even feel funny enough to write. But that being said lets catch up on what’s been going on in the most important place, T.V. Land.

In the news; crazy people have been yelling at crazy people for being crazy. I am of course referring to the Democrats and Republicans. New plan everyone that enters a debate about healthcare has to take a Velum or a Prozac (their choice) then wait 30 minutes before the discussion can start.

New T.V. shows started so it should be easier to get through the day let me help you navigate through the crap.
The only news worth watching anymore is the Daily Show with John Stewart because he shows what both sides are doing in the race for coveted title “nuttier than squirrel poop.”
A new show about vampires who live for hundreds of years only to have relationships with high school girls hits the scene with the Vampire Diaries. It’s kind of like watching One Tree Hill and every now and then someone gets eaten, I know it sounds cool but they somehow made even that unbearable to watch. Mostly because they don’t kill the super annoying main characters like you want them to.
Supernatural bursts back on the scene in all its glory with only one problem. In previous seasons when they are fighting demons and werewolves and ghosts and goolies it made for some good clean violent fun. But now they are fighting Satan and looking for God it could be cool but I think it took a wrong turn on uncomfortable street and just blew the stop sign at don’t go there lane. I have tentative high hopes.
Glee is a show about people you didn’t want to hang out with in high school and still don’t want to respond to their facebook invite. Seriously they are not zany nerds that you grow to love that have good hearts, they are the truly crazy super annoying types that somehow find a teacher as socially inept as they are. Watch at your own risk.
Cougar town is a show about old people desperately trying not to die out to younger hotter less talented actresses.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Dr. Cox and Syden

Syden has a trip to the hospital today and asked me to guest blog. I hope he gets a doctor like Dr. Cox. I think they would mesh.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Questions for An Insomniac

If you have questions for an insomniac like me or want to know if you might be an insomniac yourself simply leave a comment in the form of a question and I would be happy to answer.

Sample Question:
Syden how is it that you only get 2-3 hours of sleep a night and are still so cool?

Sample Answer:
How is it that you get 8-9 hours of sleep a night and are still so lame? The answer is simple I was born to be awesome and you my friend had a chance at awesomnitude and slept past it with your snooze button in hand.

I am an open book so go ahead and ask. (Mothers need not apply, all sales are final, answers may and almost always will smack of smart ass-ery, Canadians need not apply)

Tjames asks: Is your employer hiring? Because I want to work there....

No Tjames we are not hiring and frankly it boggles my mind how I have gotten away with what I have over the years, probably because I have all of their passwords.

Augusto asks:
In your own words, what is your opinion of the best use of the hours between 2:35 and 5:12? I find myself perplexed. The television is generally useless at that time and I'm typically too exhausted to enjoy porn at such sleepless hours.

Who's words would I answer in if not my own I guess I could go and look for a Wikipedia entry for 2:35-5:12 and copy it but so far my search has had very poor results. Let's see between 2:35 and 5 first of course you try and sleep that kills about an hour or two tossing and turning. Then I do the mandatory 3am sock puppet show because I haven't slept in 3 weeks and I find this the funniest thing in the entire world. (Side note my former roommate did not find this the funniest thing in the entire world he is still not speaking to me.) If I get incredibly bored I torment my neighbors cat with a laser pointer and try and get him to run into things while crouched in the bushes. 4 Am is prime time to work on your zombie Apocalypse plan and possibly even run some test get to the fortified bunker. By 5 all hope for sleep is completely out the window and you don't look a psycho for going out and getting some errands done if needs be. I like to wander around walmart at this time when guys with mullets and that one bag lady who smells like molten death are safely asleep. FYI the longer you watch infomercials the more they make perfect sense so try and stay away or invent fun games like you have to drink whenever shamwow guy says something that has absolutely nothing to do with his product like random inference to girls in bikinis (trust me it happens a lot.) Hope that helps Augusto.

Justin said...
If I can't sleep, well then I just don't - it doesn't matter. Stay up, blog, do whatever. Just because the rest of the world is sleeping doesn't mean you have to.

Well laddi freakin da Justin! For some of us it's not that it's a choice to stay up it's a curse and all we want to do is sleep but for some sick reason God decided it would be funny to make this an impossibility! I'm not talking about when you had one or two bad nights of sleep and decided to deem yourself an insomniac. I am talking about 15 agonizing years of listening to people complain about how tired they are on Monday morning because they stayed up to late and you have been going on about 45 minutes to 2 hours of sleep a night for the past 3 months! Wow I'm sorry Justin I have no idea where that came from... Ya good advice man keep it coming.

If I were a vampire

If I were a vampire I think I would join PETA because I bet those people that don’t eat meat would be pretty tasty. Also they would never see it coming, and probably if I got caught they would think I was just misunderstood or something. Also most of their campaigning seems to be in the nude for some reason which makes for easy access.

If I were a Vampire I would get upset because I really like garlic chicken pizza.

If I were a Vampire and had till the end of time to do things I bet I would get really, really good at spider solitaire.

I think a vampire with rabies would be extra dangerous because even if you survive now you’ve got rabies… oh and the craving for blood.

I don’t think that Vampires really have to be invited in places I think they are just very polite.

If I were a Vampire I would get girls to go out with me when I stalked them instead of restraining orders.

If I were a Vampire I would have beautiful girl hair. Have you ever seen a Vampire without beautiful girl hair? I think not.

I wonder if Vampires have to play Russian roulette with a crossbow. That's a game you don't want to be picked to go first at.

If I were a Vampire I would probably have to move to Pennsylvania because I don't have a passport and it's the only other vania I know of.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The best way to break up with a girl

Write a love letter to her with all of your feelings on it, explain why things need to end and how you are different people now and how it would be best if you parted ways. Wrap this letter around a brick and throw it through her window.

Pay a man in a fireman’s uniform to tell her you burned to death… then move.

Tell her you are a vampire and that she is tempting you to drink human blood again and that you must continue your eternal journey alone.

Two words witness protection.

The next time she asks you what you are thinking tell her, and don't hold back.

Nothing says it's over like a cake with the words "dump city" written in icing.

Steal her diary and in it write "today I got dumped but he is still really cool also I have mild amnesia."

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

How to fix your computer

As an IT manager people often wonder how I know so much about computers. I have decided to share with all of you how I got and have kept my job for so long with this handy cheat sheet. (Clicking the image will make it larger)

This is how to decide what gaming system to buy

And for those of you who own a Mac here is a chart for you so you don't feel left out

Friday, September 11, 2009

The thoughts that kept me up last night.

The most profound silence I have experienced so far is after letting one rip on the elevator with my boss, his wife, and a new client. It made my eyes water

If boredom was an international sport it probably wouldn't be very exciting to watch on t.v.

If I were an evil overlord and set a bomb to go off I would make it stop at 10 seconds so that the heroes would think they stopped it somehow and would laugh and exclaim how much they loved each other, then the real bomb would go off.

Why on all of the star trek shows when they get boarded by evil aliens did they not just beam those aliens into space? Maybe it looks better on a resume to say repelled alien invaders with phaser, instead of used brain. No body likes a smarty pants.

People often ask me how I have lived with insomnia for so long. I usually just tell them it's because bullets are pretty expensive these days.

I get the impression that the trail to Oregon was just littered with bodies that exploded from dysentery.

I was going to go buy some kind of motivational book today but then I would have to go all the way to the store and finish this senten....

Thursday, September 10, 2009

How to look skinnier without pesky diet and exercise.

Many people have asked me; Syden how do you look so great while eating that entire German chocolate cake? The answer is quite simple; I am simply sabotaging everyone around me. Like that girl in my office who eats nothing but rice cakes and low fat yogurt I come in early and soak those rice cakes in butter, lard, and sugar solution for about an hour then set to dry. She thinks they are delicious and she gained 28 pounds Walla! I look better already by comparison. Here are some simple tricks to never dieting and looking great in the crowd you’re in.

1. Black: Black is your friend it hides the rolls just make sure to be careful not to get to much cheeto dust on them. (For more about cheeto dust see how to survive a bank heist)

2. Ugly people: Choose ugly people to be seen with or at least incredibly uninteresting people this will make you look at feel great.

3. Eat yourself sick: You know how people are always talking about eating themselves sick. Actually do it. If you eat so much you actually throw up then technically you are not bulimic and you don’t half to worry about all those calories you just wrapped in bacon.

4. Undercutting: There are some people in this world that no matter how much they eat they always look great. Spread vicious untrue rumors about them around the office, or if you don’t have time in a public place while meeting new people. Quietly pull the new group aside and explain that your “friend” is retarded and has special needs. This will make you look like a caring friend and completely undermine anything that perfect jerk tries to say.

5. Project confidence while instilling discord: If you look confident while all around you people are upset and on the verge of a mental break down you look great. Also while others are in this frame of mind they tend to overeat and hate the world, which gives you a lunch partner.

Good luck and remember you are only as fat as your skinniest friend that is not retarded.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Mind pics

I have scoured the web to find pictures that mess with the mind, huh actually they just kind of found me. Well anyways enjoy, you will need to click on them to see them full size. Answers at the bottom if you can't figure it out.

















1.The girl at the top has an upside down face features look at her more closely.
2.Top of the stairs
3.Middle upper left face in the tree branches looks like a black hobo
4.He is in the wall!!!!
5.Simple optical illusion when you look at any of the circles they stop spinning.
6.They are not sitting on anything.
7.Above his head and to the right blurred face in the trees.
8.Left bottom on the half wall scary girl like something.
9.Description says it all nothing to see here OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE!
10.Left and right of center they are guys with cones on their heads not missiles.
11.Below the red dot in the hole.
12.Just a gym with balloons, wait what the hell is THAT! Center left
13.Look at it from a distance, no seriously scoot back from your computer.
14.T-Rex in the clouds.
15.Face on the ear.
16.Entire right hand side is a face; after you see it you can’t not see it.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Staying positive

I have been told my entire life that a positive attitude can change everything here are some tips on staying positive.

1. Practice smiling: I enjoy doing this when I get caught at a red light. Look at the guy next to you and practice your creepiest smile. You'd be surprised how much someone else's uncomfortableness can make you feel better.

2. Use positive language: Say things like "I'm positive that today is going to suck", and "you are positively the most horrifying individual I have ever met" that last one is best said to a stranger and not your boss.

3. Share the joy: Tell others how much better you are doing than they are, this will help cement the feeling that you are doing great.

4. Never say yes again: Instead of saying yes to things say, "I'm positive!" this is a great way to let others know that you are positive. Would you like fries with that? I'm Positive!

5. Times of doubt: When you are in times of doubt and despair and are having trouble staying positive do little things to remind yourself that you can stay positive forever. Pick up a sick prostitute from the bad side of town wait two days then go to the doctor. You my friends can have a trained medical professional then tell you that you are positive!

Just remember folks it's all about the attitude.