Six Degrees of desperation

Six degrees of separation (also referred to as the "Human Web") refers to the idea that, if a person is one step away from each person they know and two steps away from each person who is known by one of the people they know, then everyone is at most six steps away from any other person on Earth. It was popularized by a play written by John Guare.

On the other hand Six degrees of Desperation (also referred to as my "dating pool") refers to the idea that, If I make a big enough idiot of myself that people tell and retell the story of my idiocy. That if each person tells just one other person they know that eventually every girl on the planet will know me as "that guy." This theory has been percolating in the back of my mind since the days of Lorena Bobbit. She did one incredibly idiotic thing and now her dating pool is 0 based on the same series of events.

So basically it comes down to this; on a small scale I tested it out by telling just one girl in the office I work at something stupid I did. By the end of the day every girl in the entire office had that "I know what you did" look as I passed by. Bringing this to a big scale I and the amount of time I spend doing stupid things that people talk about I am guessing that in 6 months time I will be un-datable.
(What stupid thing did I do that I told a coworker about? I'm sure if you read half of my past blogs you will figure it out eventually.)

It's probably the fuel filter

Sometimes I enjoy trolling yahoo answers to give back to the community I am hoping for best answer on this one.


Original poster:
My boyfriend is cheating on me what do I do?
Last night I left my boyfriends house I got a few miles down the street and my car stalled and broke down because I live pretty far away I just decided to walk back to his house. It took me about 40 minutes and when I got there I could see through the window he was kissing some other girl. I was crushed we have been dating for over 6 months and she didn't look familiar at all. I stood there for a while in disbelief but I didn’t know what to do so I just left. What do I do I really like this guy and I don’t want to loose him but I am just so confused right now?

Syden Insomniac:
If the car stalls all the time, the general reason is that there is probably either a fuel or an ignition problem causing the engine to cut out. Of course, there could be any number of things wrong with your car if it stalls during normal driving (i.e., not when starting from stationary). I recommend a tune-up also it would be a good idea to check your spark plugs, and charging system, and when was the last time you changed your fuel filter?

T.V. Land

Sorry loyal readers I have been ill and when you are trying not to die it’s hard to find time to keep up with the blog or even feel funny enough to write. But that being said lets catch up on what’s been going on in the most important place, T.V. Land.

In the news; crazy people have been yelling at crazy people for being crazy. I am of course referring to the Democrats and Republicans. New plan everyone that enters a debate about healthcare has to take a Velum or a Prozac (their choice) then wait 30 minutes before the discussion can start.

New T.V. shows started so it should be easier to get through the day let me help you navigate through the crap.
The only news worth watching anymore is the Daily Show with John Stewart because he shows what both sides are doing in the race for coveted title “nuttier than squirrel poop.”
A new show about vampires who live for hundreds of years only to have relationships with high school girls hits the scene with the Vampire Diaries. It’s kind of like watching One Tree Hill and every now and then someone gets eaten, I know it sounds cool but they somehow made even that unbearable to watch. Mostly because they don’t kill the super annoying main characters like you want them to.
Supernatural bursts back on the scene in all its glory with only one problem. In previous seasons when they are fighting demons and werewolves and ghosts and goolies it made for some good clean violent fun. But now they are fighting Satan and looking for God it could be cool but I think it took a wrong turn on uncomfortable street and just blew the stop sign at don’t go there lane. I have tentative high hopes.
Glee is a show about people you didn’t want to hang out with in high school and still don’t want to respond to their facebook invite. Seriously they are not zany nerds that you grow to love that have good hearts, they are the truly crazy super annoying types that somehow find a teacher as socially inept as they are. Watch at your own risk.
Cougar town is a show about old people desperately trying not to die out to younger hotter less talented actresses.

Dr. Cox and Syden

Syden has a trip to the hospital today and asked me to guest blog. I hope he gets a doctor like Dr. Cox. I think they would mesh.

Questions for An Insomniac

If you have questions for an insomniac like me or want to know if you might be an insomniac yourself simply leave a comment in the form of a question and I would be happy to answer.

Sample Question:
Syden how is it that you only get 2-3 hours of sleep a night and are still so cool?

Sample Answer:
How is it that you get 8-9 hours of sleep a night and are still so lame? The answer is simple I was born to be awesome and you my friend had a chance at awesomnitude and slept past it with your snooze button in hand.

I am an open book so go ahead and ask. (Mothers need not apply, all sales are final, answers may and almost always will smack of smart ass-ery, Canadians need not apply)

Tjames asks: Is your employer hiring? Because I want to work there....
No Tjames we are not hiring and frankly it boggles my mind how I have gotten away with what I have over the years, probably because I have all of their passwords.

Augusto asks:
In your own words, what is your opinion of the best use of the hours between 2:35 and 5:12? I find myself perplexed. The television is generally useless at that time and I'm typically too exhausted to enjoy porn at such sleepless hours.
Who's words would I answer in if not my own I guess I could go and look for a Wikipedia entry for 2:35-5:12 and copy it but so far my search has had very poor results. Let's see between 2:35 and 5 first of course you try and sleep that kills about an hour or two tossing and turning. Then I do the mandatory 3am sock puppet show because I haven't slept in 3 weeks and I find this the funniest thing in the entire world. (Side note my former roommate did not find this the funniest thing in the entire world he is still not speaking to me.) If I get incredibly bored I torment my neighbors cat with a laser pointer and try and get him to run into things while crouched in the bushes. 4 Am is prime time to work on your zombie Apocalypse plan and possibly even run some test get to the fortified bunker. By 5 all hope for sleep is completely out the window and you don't look a psycho for going out and getting some errands done if needs be. I like to wander around walmart at this time when guys with mullets and that one bag lady who smells like molten death are safely asleep. FYI the longer you watch infomercials the more they make perfect sense so try and stay away or invent fun games like you have to drink whenever shamwow guy says something that has absolutely nothing to do with his product like random inference to girls in bikinis (trust me it happens a lot.) Hope that helps Augusto.

Justin said...
If I can't sleep, well then I just don't - it doesn't matter. Stay up, blog, do whatever. Just because the rest of the world is sleeping doesn't mean you have to.
Well laddi freakin da Justin! For some of us it's not that it's a choice to stay up it's a curse and all we want to do is sleep but for some sick reason God decided it would be funny to make this an impossibility! I'm not talking about when you had one or two bad nights of sleep and decided to deem yourself an insomniac. I am talking about 15 agonizing years of listening to people complain about how tired they are on Monday morning because they stayed up to late and you have been going on about 45 minutes to 2 hours of sleep a night for the past 3 months! Wow I'm sorry Justin I have no idea where that came from... Ya good advice man keep it coming.

If I were a vampire

If I were a vampire I think I would join PETA because I bet those people that don’t eat meat would be pretty tasty. Also they would never see it coming, and probably if I got caught they would think I was just misunderstood or something. Also most of their campaigning seems to be in the nude for some reason which makes for easy access.

If I were a Vampire I would get upset because I really like garlic chicken pizza.

If I were a Vampire and had till the end of time to do things I bet I would get really, really good at spider solitaire.

I think a vampire with rabies would be extra dangerous because even if you survive now you’ve got rabies… oh and the craving for blood.

I don’t think that Vampires really have to be invited in places I think they are just very polite.

If I were a Vampire I would get girls to go out with me when I stalked them instead of restraining orders.

If I were a Vampire I would have beautiful girl hair. Have you ever seen a Vampire without beautiful girl hair? I think not.

I wonder if Vampires have to play Russian roulette with a crossbow. That's a game you don't want to be picked to go first at.

If I were a Vampire I would probably have to move to Pennsylvania because I don't have a passport and it's the only other vania I know of.

The best way to break up with a girl

Write a love letter to her with all of your feelings on it, explain why things need to end and how you are different people now and how it would be best if you parted ways. Wrap this letter around a brick and throw it through her window.

Pay a man in a fireman’s uniform to tell her you burned to death… then move.

Tell her you are a vampire and that she is tempting you to drink human blood again and that you must continue your eternal journey alone.

Two words witness protection.

The next time she asks you what you are thinking tell her, and don't hold back.

Nothing says it's over like a cake with the words "dump city" written in icing.

Steal her diary and in it write "today I got dumped but he is still really cool also I have mild amnesia."

How to fix your computer

As an IT manager people often wonder how I know so much about computers. I have decided to share with all of you how I got and have kept my job for so long with this handy cheat sheet. (Clicking the image will make it larger)




This is how to decide what gaming system to buy


And for those of you who own a Mac here is a chart for you so you don't feel left out

The thoughts that kept me up last night.

The most profound silence I have experienced so far is after letting one rip on the elevator with my boss, his wife, and a new client. It made my eyes water

If boredom was an international sport it probably wouldn't be very exciting to watch on t.v.

If I were an evil overlord and set a bomb to go off I would make it stop at 10 seconds so that the heroes would think they stopped it somehow and would laugh and exclaim how much they loved each other, then the real bomb would go off.

Why on all of the star trek shows when they get boarded by evil aliens did they not just beam those aliens into space? Maybe it looks better on a resume to say repelled alien invaders with phaser, instead of used brain. No body likes a smarty pants.

People often ask me how I have lived with insomnia for so long. I usually just tell them it's because bullets are pretty expensive these days.

I get the impression that the trail to Oregon was just littered with bodies that exploded from dysentery.

I was going to go buy some kind of motivational book today but then I would have to go all the way to the store and finish this senten....

How to look skinnier without pesky diet and exercise.

Many people have asked me; Syden how do you look so great while eating that entire German chocolate cake? The answer is quite simple; I am simply sabotaging everyone around me. Like that girl in my office who eats nothing but rice cakes and low fat yogurt I come in early and soak those rice cakes in butter, lard, and sugar solution for about an hour then set to dry. She thinks they are delicious and she gained 28 pounds Walla! I look better already by comparison. Here are some simple tricks to never dieting and looking great in the crowd you’re in.

1. Black: Black is your friend it hides the rolls just make sure to be careful not to get to much cheeto dust on them. (For more about cheeto dust see how to survive a bank heist)

2. Ugly people: Choose ugly people to be seen with or at least incredibly uninteresting people this will make you look at feel great.

3. Eat yourself sick: You know how people are always talking about eating themselves sick. Actually do it. If you eat so much you actually throw up then technically you are not bulimic and you don’t half to worry about all those calories you just wrapped in bacon.

4. Undercutting: There are some people in this world that no matter how much they eat they always look great. Spread vicious untrue rumors about them around the office, or if you don’t have time in a public place while meeting new people. Quietly pull the new group aside and explain that your “friend” is retarded and has special needs. This will make you look like a caring friend and completely undermine anything that perfect jerk tries to say.

5. Project confidence while instilling discord: If you look confident while all around you people are upset and on the verge of a mental break down you look great. Also while others are in this frame of mind they tend to overeat and hate the world, which gives you a lunch partner.

Good luck and remember you are only as fat as your skinniest friend that is not retarded.

Mind pics

I have scoured the web to find pictures that mess with the mind, huh actually they just kind of found me. Well anyways enjoy, you will need to click on them to see them full size. Answers at the bottom if you can't figure it out.

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1.The girl at the top has an upside down face features look at her more closely.
2.Top of the stairs
3.Middle upper left face in the tree branches looks like a black hobo
4.He is in the wall!!!!
5.Simple optical illusion when you look at any of the circles they stop spinning.
6.They are not sitting on anything.
7.Above his head and to the right blurred face in the trees.
8.Left bottom on the half wall scary girl like something.
9.Description says it all nothing to see here OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE!
10.Left and right of center they are guys with cones on their heads not missiles.
11.Below the red dot in the hole.
12.Just a gym with balloons, wait what the hell is THAT! Center left
13.Look at it from a distance, no seriously scoot back from your computer.
14.T-Rex in the clouds.
15.Face on the ear.
16.Entire right hand side is a face; after you see it you can’t not see it.

Staying positive

I have been told my entire life that a positive attitude can change everything here are some tips on staying positive.

1. Practice smiling: I enjoy doing this when I get caught at a red light. Look at the guy next to you and practice your creepiest smile. You'd be surprised how much someone else's uncomfortableness can make you feel better.

2. Use positive language: Say things like "I'm positive that today is going to suck", and "you are positively the most horrifying individual I have ever met" that last one is best said to a stranger and not your boss.

3. Share the joy: Tell others how much better you are doing than they are, this will help cement the feeling that you are doing great.

4. Never say yes again: Instead of saying yes to things say, "I'm positive!" this is a great way to let others know that you are positive. Would you like fries with that? I'm Positive!

5. Times of doubt: When you are in times of doubt and despair and are having trouble staying positive do little things to remind yourself that you can stay positive forever. Pick up a sick prostitute from the bad side of town wait two days then go to the doctor. You my friends can have a trained medical professional then tell you that you are positive!

Just remember folks it's all about the attitude.

Syden's Random Thoughts

Once it again it is time for another installment of Syden's random thoughts

Clowns are supposed to be funny but end up being scary. So you can see how when I painted your cat it was supposed to be amusing, not kill it.

I think you'll find that your razor is really dull and you need to shave for a super important meeting the cheese grater makes a poor substitute.

It is possible to fit a pool ball into an average sized mouth, it is not possible to take it out again without extreme effort because the jaw locks. Also it is hard to call for help when you swoundsw wike wlithhhh *followed by gentle muffled weeping*

I think if I was narcissistic that I would be the best narcissist ever I mean I would be so awesome.

I think that if I tree falls in the woods that it does make a sound, especially if it falls on a beaver.

If I could go back in time and warn myself about one thing it would be that most horrible of days I had. But I wouldn't use the argument I used last time because I didn't listen to me.

I think that if I owned a tamed raptor from the dinosaur era that knew all kinds of tricks like don't eat the neighbors, it would probably be a bad idea to feed it heavy narcotics... I'm just saying.

How to survive a bank heist

If you ever find yourself in a bank that is being held up by criminals (possibly in Halloween masks of dead presidents) these are some simple tricks to help you through the ordeal.

1. Remain calm, but not too calm: They always say in crisis situations that you have to keep your wits about you. But if the robber is flailing a gun around then maybe he is going for a certain atmosphere or theme for his bank robbery. If you don't look scared he might just kill you because you are just ruining the mood he is trying to set. I recommend screaming like a little girl and weeping uncontrollably for about 20 seconds then collapsing to the floor in a heap. This will generally make the robber happy that you are contributing to the general feel of his robbery.

2. Be friendly, but not too friendly: If there happens to be a doughnut shop near by the police might just respond fast enough to turn your pleasant bank heist into a long drawn out ordeal. So if the bank robbers are going to be there for a while try and be friendly. Smile on occasion then look away, just like when looking that girl in junior high (but without the awkward panic attack.) If they strike up conversation with you keep it innocuous, talk about movies that where cool or how surfing is awesome. But there is a line, you don't want to become too friendly or when hostage time comes guess who they are going to take? Then your whole night is shot and you will have to try and get through the next day without anyone telling you what happened on Lost and you know that Nancy from accounting has a big mouth.

3. Look for opportunities: If the chance to do something arrives and you save the day you might just get enough fame to finally ask out that hot bank teller. And if it all goes horribly horribly wrong at least there might be a hot nurse in the hospital who will pity you. You can ask my last two girlfriends pity can be a powerful motivator especially when accompanied by a gun shot wound. Try and lull the robber into a false sense of security, at this point he has already seen you cry like a little girl and you have probably talked about how cool the new Star Trek movie was. He will start to trust you or pity you, and again pity is awesome. Tell him how cool his gun is for a while then and ask if you can see it. If this actually works point the gun at him and take control. But don't shoot him! That hot nurse can just as easily fall for a surly robber who was just down on his luck.

4. Cheeto fingers: Many times robbers go unconvicted because they are all wearing ski masks and they can't tell which convict did which crime. Help out your local police department by trying to touch one of the robbers with your cheeto encrusted fingers. I find that during the initial plea for my life while I am crying like a 6 year old school girl grabbing a pant leg and crying about my fake children that will go fatherless wont get you killed. Pistol whipped yes, killed no. Now many of you ask why do you have cheeto encrusted fingers in the first place? Be smart people it is a great way to identify things. If you had the remote first you have proof, if you want that jelly doughnut a single yellow orange finger print can claim it, and when it's time for the line up at the police station you just have to look for your mark to point out the would be robber. Cheetos are relatively inexpensive and a great time saver for claiming territory. (Note If you can't get your hands on cheetos I find that the powdered cheese in the Mac and Cheese box works as a substitute, if you lick your fingers before opening the pouch.)

5. Be prepared: By now you have learned how to stay alive, identify the criminal, possibly get a date, all while not missing your favorite t.v. show. But constant vigilance is the key to surviving a bank heist and that means being prepared. Try not to leave the house without cheeto fingers. Practice crying in front of the mirror so you can do it on queue (if you are having trouble with this one just remember how alone you are... so very alone, it works like a charm.) Make sure and stay up to date on pop culture and movies so you can talk to your assailant with ease. And remember if you plan on using a pen as a make shift weapon to stab the robber in the neck to save the day, that they are chained to the counter so first you have to get him to stand really close and possibly lay his head on the desk. Good luck out there.

Show reviews part II

Family Guy: Mentally retarded father of three submits family to emotional and physical abuse to hide his rampant alcoholism.

How I met your Mother: 5 socially stunted friends spend all their free time in a bar.

General Hospital: A show not generally about a hospital.

Are you smarter than a 5th grader?: Probably not if you are watching this show

Dollhouse: Director Joss Whedon's experiment to see how far he can push fans before they literally tear him limb from limb. Also hotness from Eliza Dushku.

Mental: Doctor of psychology has self as patient.

America's got talent: Ironic title pokes fun at self.

Smallville: Teenager deals with changing body and mineral allergy.

Supernatural: Brothers forced to work together to run family business.

Reaper: Man works diligently to pay back loan.

CSI: In depth look at how to get away with future crimes.

Dexter: Blood analyst looks for new samples.

Why I hated School

I can’t do any kind of alphabetizing without singing that stupid song over and over again.

I often wonder why George Washington cut down a cherry tree just to prove that he wouldn’t lie about it, but at the same time it makes me think of him as an axe wielding psycho with a blood lust for sap with trophies of his exploits like his wooden teeth. (Side note: History teachers do not like it when you question them on things like this.)

Recess was my first experience with gang rivalry.


I am still upset about having to learn cursive just to sign my damn name on a check.

My Major in College was theater (I don’t know why either) I never taken a single computer class... I am an IT manager.

The closest application I have come to using art appreciation is laughing at something scrawled on a bathroom wall.

Teachers always told me there was no extra credit in real life. The careful application of a Christmas gift with a steady stream of butt kissing is exactly like extra credit.

Success is not 99% sweat 1% talent. It is in fact 20% work, 79% who your Dad’s friends are, oh and 1% talent if you actually got the job on merit.

I am still waiting to use the calculus I was told I would need later in life.

The Franken Pickle

A long time ago a struggling farmer in brokeandpoor'istan decided that his cucumbers did not have the shelf life they needed to get him through the harsh winter. Why did he grow cucumbers when there are better tastier things to grow no one knows. Anyways he used his knowledge of unholy science (graduated magnum come laudy from unholy University or Evil U) to infuse the cucumber with the essence of undeath and of course dill for flavor. And thus the pickle was formed using this dark ritual of sucking life from an object using brine, this gave the young farmer sadistic ideas. Now this farmer of fragrant death did so well tricking the locals into buying his sacrilicious forbidden fruit that he was eventually able to buy a castle and by proxy terrorizing the peasants which was the custom of the day. (Like when you live in Malibu California you are expected to talk like a moron, same thing in brokeandpoor'istan but you terrorize peasants.) The pungent fumes of distinct distilled death hung about the town like the eking ooze of an overfull sewer in spring time. No one could stand the new land owner except a large mentally challenged boy who was born without a sense of smell. He worked for the new lord in his defunct factory all the day long. But the farmer, turned lord, turned terrorizer, turned evil scientist demanded more. He hatch a cleaver scheme and employed his Knowledge to turn the large retarded boy into an untiring slave (Go Evil U home of the flying monkey mascot.) So he took the boy and threw him into the pickle vat and drained him of life, then added dill for flavor. The boy emerge a very stinky monster enraged and upset (mostly because he couldn't get that nasty taste out of his mouth.) He raged forth into the town and upon seeing their large slow child now pickled beast from beyond, they set forth and killed the lord and destroyed all that was left of his laboratory. Thus destroying the formula for pickles forever! Or so they thought but the Lord had sent the formula to his alma mater Evil U and they published it in the "were are they now" magazine. And that's why I didn't go to my 10 year high school reunion... No wait different story sorry. And that's why I don't like pickles. Because they are made from retarded children and the shattered dreams of oppressed villagers with just a hint of dill.

The worst ideas I have had for blogs so far

When trying to come up with something amusing everyday to blog about sometimes you just run out of ideas. But on the other hand I do have scruples here are some of the topics that got thrown out.

1. Blogging: Who wants to read a blog about blogging, wait forget you read this one.

2. The joys of abstinence: I tried to convince myself that it was joyful not getting any, but then I started crying uncontrollably.

3. Popcorn: After butter and salt I started thinking about going to movies alone then the joys of abstinence and started crying again.

4. Being Nice to people: I just honestly couldn't think of anything to say so I didn't say anything at all

5. Why I hate pickles: I might do this one on a 'desperate for ideas' day in the future but I figured who the hell cares.

6. The Worst ideas I have had for blogs so far: oh um well it's a slow day

7. What it's like to get a good nights sleep: I tried for hours but had no real life comparisons so I gave up.

8. Blank page: I tried but it wouldn't let me publish it for some reason

9. 10 best blogs: Then I thought I shouldn't tell you because then you might not read mine anymore

10. The top 10 reasons women wont date me: I figure if they read any of my previous posts this just becomes redundant.

A plea to the masses stop the insanity

We live in troubled times the banks aren't secure, there is a constant threat of terrorism, job loss is at an all time high, and sometimes when I put one of those new air fresheners in my car that looks like a tree I can only smell it for like a day. And in this turbulent time we look to make it worse I am talking of course of chain letters. Let me set a few things straight.

1. Bill gates will never give you money for anything he will actually bleed you dry and swim in your blood while he makes you try and use vista before he would consider giving you money. Then he would sell your organs.

2. There is no virus that will burn a hole in your hard drive. Seriously people burn a hole in your hard drive? Is the virus made out of magnesium and ignites when you open the email? If that's the case the inventor of the virus deserves a medal or grant or something for figuring out how to bend the laws of physics and send solid matter through email.

3. Norton Anti-virus is not gearing up for a big virus. What do you think that they hear through the virus grape vine that there is a new contender in town and start a massive undertaking with special troops dressed in ninja outfits? No that's their job they are nerds sitting in a basement fixing stuff so stop thinking of them as elite commandos out for blood.

4. A funny picture will never move if you send this email to three people. What the hell is wrong with you people? Do you think that the email knows magically when you send it on then lovingly grants you your grandest desires? No, so stop sending me this crap

5. You will not have bad luck if you don't send this to seven people if anything you will have good luck for not sending it at all. If you ever get one of these send it back seven times to the person who sent it with a death threat attached if you can.

6. This is real people it was check out by snopes.com. Snopes is awesome for debunking rumors and hoaxes I uses them often. Just because an email has this on it doesn't mean a damned thing! Check your facts before you send it. I recommend actually using snopes.com. (you people make me cry inside sometimes.)

7. Political opinions, religious opinions, and cute pictures of kittens should not be sent to every person on your contacts list. Ever stop to think my opinion might be different than yours, and what you sent was actually pretty offensive? Especially those damned Kittens!!! I don't want to see them frolicking about with quotes that says "look they think they're people." And if you get a response from me and I have edited and put little Hitler mustaches on all of your kitties or taken them off of political leaders don't freak out if you want my actual opinion I will give it to you.

8. Funny haha I love funny emails but know your audience. The send to all email is not for everyone. This is how spammers get lots of new email addresses ever day just one of these intercepted emails has like 50 new names on it. You know why? You forwarded a forward of a forward of a forward. At least have the decency to clean it up a bit before you send it on.

9. When you misspell a word it shows up in red. Now I am not the king of spelling anyone reading any of my posts will know that instantly, but if it's burning red at you just look at the suggestions for spelling please. I catn taek thiss craap anymores

10. Just stop the insanity. If you want to know what's what, the internet is a great tool. But it is also full of idiots on an idiotic rampage unwittingly trying to destroy the world by a combination of shock, awe, and chain letters. Don't participate in the mayhem I am begging you.

Show reviews

I watch a lot of T.V. while not sleeping and I thought a synopsis of some of the shows I saw this season might be helpfull.

House: Strung out narcissistic Doctor repeatedly misdiagnoses patients with the help of supposedly qualified team until harassed by under dressed chief of medicine who he mocks then figures it all out.

30 Rock: The brave story of mentally handicapped actors and their attempt to make a show.

Bones: Socially retarded bone expert makes FBI agent sexually frustrated.

Prison Break: If you missed season 1 there is now no actual prison.

Terminator the Sarah Connor Chronicles: Over protective mom prepares son for possible future in army.

Lost: Gilligan's Island remake if Gilligan crash landed in a plane, the skipper was an insane balding knife enthusiast, and Marry Anne was a homicidal tease with daddy issues.

Castle: Writer uses wealth to hinder police investigations while hunting for tail.

Better off Ted: Realistic look at business today.

The office: Failing paper company makes ends meet by working less.

Dancing with the stars: B actors crave spot light sometimes hurt selves.

Heroes: Watch as we give special powers to average people only to take them away over and over and over again.

More fun with yahoo answers

As some of you know I enjoy perusing the yahoo answers on occasion and screwing with people, this is one of those times.


Original Poster:
How do I get over an Ex?
It has been 4 months since me and my Ex broke up and I still think about him and dream about him I know it wasn't a good relationship and needed to end but how do I move on with my life?

Ex Doctor: (Me)
Have you tried looking at a picture of him while hitting yourself very hard in the back of the head? This is known in the profession as reference pain then when you think about your Ex next time you will think that he is a jerk for causing you so much pain. Note: this also works with ice cream flavors you don't want to eat anymore.

Original Poster:
Um.. How would that help I feel emotional pain when I think about him now that's my problem is that I think about him all the time everything reminds me of him.

Ex Doctor: (Still me)
Oh I see what the problem is try using a picture of a pony then.

Dawn Juan: (also me)
I got over my Ex by calling him up 30 to 40 times a day till he got a restraining order against me. Then when I got near him I got arrested and in prison I found the man of my dreams. He was a correctional officer and while he doesn't know I love him yet I follow him around town and take pictures of him then photoshop myself into them so it looks like we go everywhere together. We are so happy together.

Ex Doctor: (Me again)
Ah photo replacement stalker therapy good for you Dawn very healthy.

Silly Nelly: (Me once more, yes I make random email names then cancel them when I am done tormenting people)
Don't listen to them the best way to get over an Ex is to tell a doctor you are depressed which I am sure you are. When he prescribes Zoloft use a razor and cut it with some sweat and low and take about 5 at a time. After a week or two you will have trouble remembering anything at all.

Original Poster:
Drug abuse and stalking people can I get someone serious to help me!?

Semi Serious: (Yes it's still me)
First of all let me start by saying I am sorry you are in so much pain I have been there here are the steps that helped me get over my Ex.

1.Step one Eat more: really let yourself go then you will come to the realization that even if he did come crawling back he wouldn't want you back now that you are a bloated shell of a human being.

2. Step two Bore Everyone in the whole world with the details: Make sure that you don't have a single conversation without bringing up how much your Ex hurt you and how you miss him and want him back. Your friends and family and mail man that you bored to death will ban together to quickly beat the crap out of you with that photo album you insisted on showing them over and over again. Then you will have new things to worry about like medical bills and how you are going to eat all your food that you now love (see step one) through a straw.

3. Step three drunken phone calls: Get really hammered maybe not Zoloft and sweat and low hammered (seek help Silly Nelly) and call up your Ex and poor out your heart when you remember what you did the next day you will be so riddled with self loathing and guilt at what you said you will never be able to face him or her again.

4. Step four Do an Exorcism: Perhaps your Ex was in fact a hell spawn from beyond and you can't stop thinking about him or her because they have planted their demon seed in your immortal soul for kicks and giggles. Find a priest or a friend with a leaf blower (put it on reverse to suck out the evil) and just go nuts expelling his or her evil influence on your life.

5. Step 5 BURN IT DOWN!: If the priest or leaf blower where unsuccessful then it is time to burn away the very life that has trapped you into believing you can't live without this person. Take out a fire insurance claim and burn your apartment/house to the ground sear away all memories of the life you may have had together and start fresh with that insurance money. Or if they investigate you and that fails see Dawn Juan's answer while you are in prison for insurance fraud.

Original Poster:
Huh.. That actually helped thanks Semi Serious

Semi Serious:
All helpfulness what unintentional you getting any answers from the aforementioned intones that you are a strange and deeply flawed individual. Want to go out some time?

She has not answered me back yet

My thoughts about things

Global Warming: I think its a good thing because I was a bit chilly this morning.

Gay Marriage: I know most people wont touch this with a ten foot pole but I think that gays should have the right to get half their stuff taken away by an upset ex. Also with common law marriage laws in some states it would be funny to tell roommates that they have been living together for a year and now they are legally married.

Cheese Graters: Love em' how else are you going to make super delicious nachos?

President Barack Obama: If all the rumors are to be believed he is the Savior, the anti Christ, Going to kill old people, going to save old people, American, Islamic, Related to Hussein, Not black, extra black, and in a conspiracy to destroy/save American life as we know it. Now if all these things are true and both sides seem to think they are then he will implode any day now because all forces are in exact equidistant proportion and the slightest breeze will cause an intimidate implosion followed by the creation of a Black hole (no puns of any kind intended).

Health Care: Now if I am reading the news all the crazies are saying that this new health care bill will kill all old people and are outraged by it. The opposing side is denying this, so the only thing they seem to agree on is that killing old people is bad. But have they given this serious thought? If we in fact start offing old people then we don't have to worry so much about medicare, population control, and that one guy who goes 22 miles an hour on the freeway. The downside is that the mothball industry will take a serious hit as well as the butterscotch hard candy districts and Matlock reruns will have to be stopped immediately.

Blogging: If these thoughts did not get down somewhere I think I would probably have gone crazy a long time ago... Well crazier.

Total eclipse of the random Thursdays

A friend set me up on a date the other day. It didn't work out because we were looking for different things. She was looking for a better looking guy and I was looking for a girl with really low standards.

My area doesn't have a neighborhood watch program. So I decided to get a good buzz going. I would leave notes on random peoples windows that says 'I'm Watching you!' It worked great I even got the police involved in patrolling our street, and knocking on doors, and arresting old Mr. Johnson. Hmm.... Maybe I shouldn't have used his stationary.

I think that if God was an abusive drunken hillbilly you would be his finest achievement and he would be so proud of you. But He's not so.... ya.

Ever wonder if numbers have feelings and hopes and dreams and when they get multiplied it's kind of like them getting married and having children? And when they get divided it's like numbers going to war and getting horribly wounded and having to have a leg amputated then come home to an unforgiving family that never looks at him the same way again? Ya I don't think about that stuff either.

The Best places to find girls

I can never seem to find girls so I have compiled a list of all the new places I can look.

1. Homeless shelters: Sure they may be stinky and have bad teeth but they don't run that fast because they are malnourished.

2. Graveyards: Not only do you get to see them all dressed up you get to see how bad they are going to cry at things. (Side note: the available ones are the ones in black next to the shinny box.)

3. Animal shelters: Girls are a sucker for puppies and kitties and stuff so if you threaten to harm them unless they go out with you they will have no choice.

4. Protests: It doesn't matter what they are protesting just pretend to be as passionate as they are. Then talk about "the man" a lot then ask them to go and get a bite to eat so you can share your red hot anger at stuff and things. (Note: this does not work at feminist rallies and you may end up with a broken pelvis.)

5. PTA Meetings: Pretend to be a hard up Dad with so much love for your dead wife and talk about how hard it is being all alone with a kid. (Note: this only works if you like chicks with kids. P.S. this may end poorly and with your arrest if you are found hanging out around high schools trying to find out when the next PTA meeting is.)

6. All girl colleges: Dress up like a girl, make friends, get invited to a slumber party, start a pillow fight. I am almost positive that every girl pillow fight end up with girls kissing. (Note: Please don't take this one away from me it's all I have.)

7. 3:00 AM Crispy Cream Donuts: Not only while you are waiting do you get to eat delicious donuts but any girl who shows up at 3:00 AM for a double twisty goo cruller is in desperate need of attention.

8. Prison: Sure they may have been locked up for stabbing their boyfriend with an ice pick 37 times but while they are incarcerated you get to control the amount of time you spend with them. Plus I have a friend who is a guard there and he can tell me which ones might physically harm me. (Note: I talked to my "friend" who is a guard is a big baby and wont have any part in this. Something about loosing his job and how I am insane blah blah blah!)

9. Department of Motor Vehicles: Wait for a crazy long line stand in it till you get a great spot then pretend to know the pretty girl that walks in and hopefully she will play along to get a spot in line. Not only will she see what a great line stander inner you are but you get to pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend for a while. (Note: these relationships only last about 2 hours and usually end in the "why the hell where you standing in this line in the first place conversation" to which I still have no answer and usually talk about yacht licensing till they see I am full of crap and leave me.)

10. Clinics: I am not sure what type of clinic it was but I know that most of the girls came out crying and in need of a hug. It was a gold mine.

Things I was Promised

Things That I was Promised but never got

1. Flying Car: I crash every car on the ground and that it has been deemed a safety violation for me to even be in a moving vehicle so I need the sky as a more open less oppressive place to drive.

2. A robot: I realized that robots like the terminator make us fear that if we make a robot really intelligent it will realize we are its inferiors and destroy mankind. But it would be really cool to have one until that happened.

3. Jet Packs: See flying cars

4. Holodecks: Like from star trek. How about any holo technology at all. I would settle for virtual reality head sets but no. Like the robots the holo programs could become intelligent and try and take us over. But unlike the robots they have to stay in the holo room and I am guessing that 90% of all holo programs would just be hot girls in skimpy cloths anyways, and I don't think I would mind them taking over.

5. Transporter technology: I once thought my microwave was a transporter and put a frog in there an set it so that he could go to the pond. When I ran down to the pond sure enough there was a frog and when I got home my mom got mad and made me clean the microwave. I told her that it was a new transporter so of course it would make a bit of a mess but there was defiantly nothing resembling a frog in there so I am pretty sure it worked.

6. Space travel: I can't go to the moon for a pleasingly vacation weekend. In fact they don't even send professionals to the moon anymore I understand that once you have cruised the sea of tranquility on a lunar scooter it's all pretty much down hill, but you could pretend that the billions we pay to NASA is going somewhere.

7. X-ray specs: These would only be used for nefarious deeds but still I thought they were on the horizon at least. And if I had a pair I wouldn't need to look so hard for that pesky Adams apple.

8. A girl friend: This is not one of those long term they promised this to my parents in the 70's and now I don't have it, but I got on one of those internet dating sites and they promised me a girl friend.

9. 401k Security: "Investing in this is the smartest thing you can do for your future" they said. Lame.

10. Healthy food that tastes good: Ok this is one that they have been promising since like forever in every future ever all your nutrition is in the form of really tasty food. BUT NO! healthy food still tastes like crap.