Guest Blogger

Poor Syden is down and out for the count for a few day (do not fear, he will return) and in the meantime has graciously allowed me to mess around with his blog. Being his sister (and favorite sibling) I hung out with Syden a lot growing up. As some of you might have guessed by now he and his friends occasionally played RPG games. I remember well that the pool table downstairs made for an excellent space to fill up with dice, large books with names like Monster Manuel on the cover, and snack foods. In all the time I hung around and watched I only ever played maybe twice. I did pick up a few things though that I like to apply to everyday life.

1. You can have strength, dexterity, wisdom, and intelligence but without charisma no one will actually like you.
2. There are some out there who have no strength, dexterity, wisdom, or intelligence and still manage to have charisma. In other words no matter how weak, inexperienced, stupid or clumsy you are you can still be likeable.
3. Feed the DM. If he isn't happy then no one is happy.
4. If the wizard annoys you, steal his spellbook.
5. Figure out your enemies weakness. And never shoot a skeleton with arrows.
6. If others figure out your weakness then you will be defeated. (And end up buying that kitchen tool the telemarker said you had to have)
7. Campaigns can last a long, long time.
8. Dice do not have to be six sided.
9. Risks can pay off....sometimes.
10. Figurines hurt when you step on them.
11. Your 15 level chaotic elf can sometimes get the snot kicked out of him by a little girl.
12. Not everything is what it seems.
13. Do not drink the unmarked bottle. Even if you think it just might be that healing potion you really need.
14. Do not wake up sleeping dragons.
15. Do not play RPG games with Syden. He has an uncanny ability to roll high.

Kidney Stones part II Return of the stone

I have kidney stones again I haven't been feeling particularly funny lately writhing in agony so I am taking a small break from blogging until it passes. Thanks for reading and to my loyal minions I'll be back soon.

Fan Fiction

One of the more enjoyable things in life is when I am having a completely normal conversation with someone which steers naturally into what kind of books or movies we both like and ends with a 9 hour discussion about this persons insane fan fiction. Sure I like to come home from the Transformers movie and imagine how cool it would be to have a robot car that I never had to fill with gas for the trade off of mild radiation poisoning. But to write a 30 page story about how BumbleBee is in love with me and is really a girl robot and how he transforms into the best lover you've ever had, well... that's literally insane. No seriously, I looked it up
Insane: Traditionally, insanity, craziness or madness is the behavior whereby a person flouts societal norms and may become a danger to themselves and others.
You flouted social norms by thinking it was ok to tell me about your sexual fantasy involving a robot car, and endangered yourself by not realizing that I might beat the crap out of you for telling me in great detail about it for 9 hours = insane. You then endangered me by giving me the equivalent of a brain colonic whereby I almost had an aneurysm. Now I have always considered myself nerdy beyond all reason. I enjoy D&D, play World of Warcraft, am an IT Manager, write a blog, and have seen every episode of every Star Trek ever. I however draw the line at dressing up like a moron and flaunting my geekdom with a homemade sword and elf ears. OK that one time I made a foam sword and played battleguard in the backyard BUT I DID NOT WEAR STICK ON EARS. (That sentence right there will keep me out of politics forever) But people if you like an idea write about it but please keep your insanity bottled up deep inside like the rest of us. I am generally against the death penalty but if I have to sit through one more discussion about How Gandalf could in fact be your grandfather because you were adopted and you have strange magical powers I might just have to inject you myself. I'll give you this you do have the power to make me feel normal you freaking psycho.

Under the weather

Not feeling great today so here are some funny pictures to tide you over. Click to enlarge if you can't read them.

Bored at 4 am

So around 3:30 this morning I got bored trying to sleep I rolled over and laid there for another half hour before deciding to start my day. Now I don't know if anyone else has felt this peculiar sensation before where you are so tired that you could actually cry but can't sleep and it literally bores you to try. So now after lolly gagging around the house (that's right I can lolly gag with the best of them) I decided to come to work a few hours early for no other reason than I had nothing better to do. In the past I have come up with interesting things to do at 4am but that was when I had a roommate in the same room as me to torment, there was a t.v. show I hadn't watched yet, or my laundry needed doing. So now I am looking for suggestions from any of you. What do you do at 4am when you can't sleep. My sock puppet show is the most requested but I am tired of doing it for just me as an audience, last time I clap when it was over and killed two of my favorite sock puppets may they rest in peace.

Things that don't make sense to me

Sayings that don't make sense at all:

Sub par: Coined from a golf term par is the amount of strokes you get to get the ball in the hole. If something is sub par or under par then that should be a good thing. So when I told that girl that she looked sub par yesterday she should have taken it as a compliment. Instead of kicking me in the crotch on the elevator.

Irregardless: If something is irregardless then it is not regardless but they are supposed to mean the same damned thing. I am going to start saying irregrettable and see if it catches on.

Have your cake and eat it to: Am I stealing cake to eat? Of course I am going to eat my own cake.

The whole nine yards: What the hell is measured in nine yards? In football you would be one yard short. Seriously why would I go nine yards.

There is more than one way to skin a cat: .......Um that's nice Joe I am going to call the police and tell them you are torturing animals again.

Slept like I baby: Babies sleep for about two hours wet themselves and cry. Ok I guess I did sleep like a baby.

Other random things I think about:

If quizes are quizzical what are tests?

Why does my toaster have a setting that would make a charcoal briquett

Corn oil is made from corn vegetable oil is made from vegetables we need to stop the production of baby oil immediately!!

Einstein theorized that nothing could reach the speed of light, I give you the speed of darkness.

My bank charged me money for having no money in my account I think they will be shocked when I can't pay them.

Hemorrhoids and asteroids should switch names, also crabs will now be called cockroaches.

Why are slow children crossing so many streets?

I wonder what the braille at the drive up atm says? Lets do the top 5
5. You have no idea how lost you are right now.
4. You are about to be hit by a car.
3. Seriously I mean seriously you shouldn't be driving!
2. Get a new seeing eye dog this on is retarded.
1. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Ok enough random for today

More Fun with yahoo answers

Original poster:
Skin rash question, red and purple dots?
i have some purple/red dots on my leg, what is it?

Dr. Doctor: (me)
Do the pustules in question pustulate or vibrate softly in anyway? If so you are dealing with the bubonic plague.

Concerned Citizen 223: (also me)
If you have the plague you need to take a pocket full of posies until you fall down of course.

Medical malpractice: (me again)
Have you ever come in contact with ape feces or had a bad tasting pineapple pizza? It could be superdonical purple zonkers syndrome.

Original Poster:
They are painful and I got them after a really hot day when I was outside. No I have not dealt with apes.

Dr. Doctor: (me)
That changes everything baring the ape fecal flinging at the zoo I would say you have heat rashititus purplicitus with a touch of necro dottizm. Take a hot bath add 4 cups of sugar to the water and let soak for 30 minutes. Then wear shorts and go near a river or body of water in your area and the mosquitoes will suck away the venom.

Original Poster:
Web MD does not pull up rashititus purplicitus or Neco dottizm.

Regretful child308: (still me)
I had micro necro dottizm as a kid but couldn't find a body of water with any mosquitoes now I have a hump on my back and smell of rotten grass all the time.

Original Poster:
Is no one going to help me for real?

Sincere Man460:
Sounds bad I would follow the Doctor's advice he diagnosed my wife with hyperdonic sexlexia best wedding night ever after I followed his cure of garlic salt and mustard under the tongue twice daily.

Original Poster:
You guys suck.

Original Poster:
W
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Original Poster:
W
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Original Poster:
Y
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H

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E

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L

Dr. Doctor: (me still)
Ccc-Combo Breaker

Original Poster:
P

Original Poster:
*Comment has been removed due to violation of language*

Ya I reported him on that last one and it got removed, people just need to be more considerate when posting. I am going to hell.

What kind of vampire is your new boyfriend?

With the recent upswing of vampire culture out there I'd bet that a lot of you gals out there want to know how to tell what kind of Vampire your new boyfriend is.

1. Does he drink your blood and leave you for dead? This is a sign of a bad vampire.

2. Does he sparkle in the sunlight? This is an indication of a gay vampire who used to much body glitter.

3. Does he show up in your room while you are sleeping and stare at you creepily? While this might seem romantic to some of you lunatics out there he is stalking you much as a wolf stalks food. This is a stalker Vampire.

4. Did he make you give up your college options to "be with him forever" even though he doesn't have a job? This is a trailer park vampire the house he took you isn't his he was squatting in while the tenants where away for the summer. All he wants to do is leave you knocked up with vampire spawn and leach off your bank account.

5. Is he over 100 or even over 35 years old? Think about it this. Dude is a total perv vampire you are like 16.

6. Is he cold and clammy to the touch? This is a sick vampire don't touch him he probably has the clap.

7. Did your supposed vampire live through the civil war? Maybe you should ask him some history questions and see if he knows anything at all or if he is a goth who is hard up for a prom date. This is a fake Vampire.

8. Did your new vampire boyfriend put you in between a three way war between Werewolves, bad vampires, and himself? This is a douche vampire make him settle the score before you start dating.

9. Has he ever indicated that he wants you to be his eternal bride before he has even had a conversation with you? This is a Model hunting vampire sure its nice to know that you are cute and all but in 50 years when the shine wears off your eternal apple he is going to find a new child bride to creep it up with.

10. Does he burst into flames when confronted with a cross, sunlight, fire, or when stepping on holy ground? This might be a keeper at least you have an insurance policy if he starts cheating on you or tries to steal your soul. We will call this one a controllable vampire.

I hope this helps you in your dating prospects.

Something random for your Monday

I went to take a bath this weekend to ease some sore muscles. When the water was about half full I put my left hand in, it was to hot so I took it out immediately and changed the settings. About 2 minutes later I went to check again, my left hand still a bit shy I put my right hand in. The water was just right so I put my right hand out and shook the water off. At this point I figured I would turn myself around because that's what it's all about. HOKEY POKEY!

I think that the army calling its cloths "fatigues" is sending the wrong message from now on they will be known as "awares" or maybe "wideawakes" or even "Don'teventryitIwilldestroyyourwholecountrywiththepushofabutton pants."

While driving I like to imagine what all the people I see are doing. That guy is taking his dog on a death march, That Girl is on her way to break up with her boyfriend, Those two guys are putting that girl in the front seat of that van and she looks dead...... That last one is actually true I might be contacted by the police any day now.

Nail biting

I recently read about gateway drugs and sometimes gateway eating. A gateway drug is like when you smoke pot then you have to do crack next to get that same sensation. Gateway eating is when you have a bread stick then have to have a slice of pizza. So what happens when you bite your nails? Do you ever finish biting those nails and think man I could go for some finger food right now? Sure licking some barbecue sauce a stray index finger is fine. But you need to know when to stop, and Cannibalism is never ok. Sure you may get going on a really nasty hang nail and think hey maybe I should kill my neighbor and grill him with up some pineapple mango sauce. But the answer is no! Sure he might be tender and delicious but that doesn't give you the right to marinate him in a red wine medley and slow roast him for a Sunday brunch that's just not ok. So try and think next time you decide to bite your nails that maybe just maybe you wont be able to stop with just one bite. You sick freak.

Contra The Later Years

In a rare tell all interview with the red guy:

As the 'guy in red pants' I was secondary to the 'guy in blue pants' I will never forget that day why did I decide to wear red pants WHY!

Why was it so hard to be the guy in red pants Commander?
You just don't understand as the guy in red I was expected to be the bottom guy, the one in the trenches swimming across motes as bridges exploded above me. Then there was the supply blimps.


What was so important about the supply blimps?
What was so important! What was so important! That was the guns man! The key to our survival but the Blue guy got them all! The Spread, the machine gun all of them! I was left to the single shot crap rifle! He kept insisting that I would get the next one but no! Oh I got that last one on accident how do you accidentally equip yourself with a new gun!!!

Commander Calm down please
Calm down! Calm down! WHY where we even there man? They just dropped us in the freaking jungle and guys where shooting at us like they knew we where coming it was some kind of sick joke.


Well its not like it was that hard with the code you know the up, down, left, right..
DON'T YOU SIT THERE AND SPIT CODE AT ME!!! Don't you think I know the code!? But you don't understand it's like crack man once you use the code you can't un use it. You find that you need it you can't do the missions without it. Its got a hold on you. You find yourself doing it every mission before the action even starts you start coding up. So do sit there and tell me it was easy! I spent 7 years in rehab to get rid of my code addiction.

I'm sorry I didn't know
Well you outta know man, you outta.

After that he spent 4 hours crying trying to hit select start

Topics to avoid durring a massage

I get massages about once a month to help me deal with the no sleep and stress of the job. I figure that they must be pretty bored standing in a dimly lit room with a nude stranger in a towel listening to the same Enya song for the 30th time that day, so I try and make small talk. And with a bit of experience I have come up with a list of topics to avoid while professionally trained strangers poke at your highly sensitive pressure points.

1. Why they didn't get a job where they don't have to touch naked strangers while listening to Enya.

2. How often they have thought about killing a massage patient and hiding the body.

3. Anything to do with the little mermaid. (Don't ask)

4. Ranting about the music and how boring it is. This is a fact they are highly aware of and have most likely tuned out. Bringing this to their attention tends to open old forgotten issues and makes them want to hurt you.

5. Dead pets and why they miss them.

6. Why the name fluffy is a stupid name for a dead pet and why you think it probably deserved to die.

7. Never ask: "Have you ever made anyone cry with those mannish hands?" (this was a woman therapist)

8. For some reason I decided to talk about lemmings and how they where the predecessor to the suicide bomber (what!? I get bored sometimes)little did I know her husband was in Iraq. But you can make them blow themselves up you know.... the lemmings, I'm still talking about the lemmings.

9. How the game of tick tack toe is a lost art. This conversation has no where to go and will eventually lead you down the road of lemmings with suicidal tendencies.

10. And finally and most crucially never ever talk about massages from better massage therapists. Not only is it insulting it will as most of my massages do, only end it tears.

I think I might just start pretending to be mute of course if they know sign language all I know how to say is how 'bout those lemmings.

How to mock people and make enemies

Sometimes it's hard to see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Not because it's really far away but because it is guarded by a malicious leprechaun with a foot fetish and a hankering for human flesh. Sure he seems jolly but that's because he has a new sniper rifle and a cereal endorsement. So when the little fella gets you down and you can't seem to get to your gold do what I do. Mock others.

Step one: Know your target
You can just mock people at random but random acts of mockery generally go unnoticed in today's society. Try and find someone you know, however casually because when you are verbally assaulted by a friend it tends to hurt more.

Step Two: The Material
Don't pick something obvious like calling a fat person fat. They expect it. They have probably been fat for a very long time and have heard or thought about themselves far worse than your tiny brain can come up with. Calling them stupid on the other hand might just stick the landing.

Step Three: Advanced Mocking
The steps so far have been more like school yard bullying they are good stepping stones to advanced mocking but can easily be cast aside in today's bleak existence. If you really want to mock from the heart you have to be subtle. They have to think for a fleeting moment that you are actually trying to help them, before realizing that this is in fact a set up to a really great mocking. Let it sink in deep, let them come the realization slowly that they have been a complete and total moron and have been called on it. This will make they payoff so much more sweet and just might make it possible for you to get through your Tuesday. You know what? Never mind. Just forget it, you will probably just screw it up anyways.

Step Four: Not really a step but an afterthought
Remember to keep your head down as you army crawl towards the finish line memorizing what all those marshmallow shapes are, (don't forget the red balloons it could save your life) and take heart that there are people out there far worse off than you. Except you Dan you just suck. (Note if no Dan reads this please replace your own name with 'Dan' should you also suck. You know who you are!)

Declaration of Independence 1st draft

Dear Thomas,
About the first draft of the Screw you England! Manifesto. We have some minor changes that we would like to see nothing major. The first section were you talk about everyone being equal maybe instead of "British Nancy boys need not apply" perhaps we could change it to all men are created equal. The title needs some work Instead of a manifesto we could make it a declaration and something about liberty or something. Um lets just scratch the whole 3 pages about King George III's mother and keep it on task. And why the hell is it so wordy? I mean half the people in the colonies can't read and the other half give up two paragraphs in. Don't think I didn't see the part that Washington snuck in near the end about becoming supreme ruler of the universe and everyone being required to wear white wigs. (whats that all about?) I put it to a vote and he is off the project his shenanigans and tendency to run away in combat wearing tights has not impressed the rest of the committee. Also tell John Hancock when we redo the next draft that his name is WAY to small I couldn't even read it tell him to man up already. And finally Tom try to write a little more legibly this time. Thanks

P.S. I just got a note from Washington he said that if we change his part then he isn't going to sign it. What a baby.

Blind date translation guide

When you are going to be set up by a friend here is a handy translation guide.

Sweet spirit: Needs to be buttered before going through a door (may come pre-buttered)

Anything your mother says: Wrong, and she obviously doesn't know your type but wants grandchildren at the earliest possible moment and this girl had nice wide birthing hips.

She is just your type: This is vengeance for the wrongs you have done to me.

Great conversationalist: She will literally bore you to death.

Really smart girl: There is no way she will like you.

No really she's cute: Still wears pig tails and not the sexy way.

Likes all the same things you do: She is a stalker

This is going to be really fun: My girlfriend wont go out unless I bring you for her friend.

You've never met a girl like her: She is going to committed at the end of the month.

Nice personality: She is protected by green peace as the last land walking whale.

I have no idea I am only setting you up because you are really desperate and she works in my office: Love at first sight.

You wanted free answers

The internet is full of people looking for answers to things. This is how I like to screw with them. The following are via yahoo answers.

Original Post:
How do I get rid of a beehive? I have a nest under my porch and every summer there are tons of bees all over my yard. Anyone know how to make them stop coming back?

Bee master (ME):
Have you tried the honey technique? Dip your hand in honey get really close to the hive and lure the bees away. When they get tired of making their own honey and realize that you have an abundant source of free, non union honey they will move to the good life. Then just smear all that honey on a neighbors door preferably the one you didn't like anyways.

Optimus Bee (also me):
lol the honey hand only works in Canada you need to lure the bees from hiding by pretending to be their queen. The queen of the africanus Beeimus calls her bees with a low hum like sound. As everyone knows bees will not sting their queen so get as close as you can and hum loudly when you are designated as the new queen you simply have to walk away from your house and the bees will follow. Hum again and the bees will stay where you designate. This worked for my neighbor Bill.

Original Poster:
Ok Optimus Bee that sounds totally made up nothing I google about humming to bees comes up at all.

Bee Keeper 3000 (also me):
No Optimus is Totally right as a 30 year bee keeper this is what I always use to keep bees from stinging me. Just make sure you get close enough to the hive when you start your lips almost have to be touching it for it to work right. Also I have heard of the honey hand technique working in Canada but I have never tried it personal.

Original Poster:
........ Are you serious!?

Bee Keeper 3000 (also me):
Why would I take the time to answer you if I was just going to blow smoke?

Original Poster:
I think I am just going to get some pesticide or something.

Bee Master:
Fine if you don't want to get rid of that neighbor I guess killing innocent bees is the answer YOU MURDERER!

Original Poster:
I don't want to kill them they are just dangerous don't get all huffy.

Optimus Bee (also me):
If you want an organic pesticide that wont hurt them just drive them away combine 2 cups, of water 1 cup of sugar, tablespoon of honey, and a dash of all spice (for flavor). Then spray liberally.

Original Poster:
Wont sugar and water just attract more bees?

Optimus Bee (also me):
I thought you wanted more bees? For less bees don't use the all spice.

I never heard back from her I hope her bee situation worked out.

Silence

There are many kinds of silence in this world, so many in fact that I have not had a chance to experience them all. There is a certain silence at 3:08 in the morning that differs slightly from the silence at 6:05, right before the sun comes up. There is a silence after you tell a joke and anticipation before you know if there will be laughter or more silence. There is a silence of mourning and a moment of silence for the fallen. There is a palpable silence when you take a stage that only you can hear. There is the silence of a hunter stalking it's prey and the silence before something spectacular is about to happen. And with all the variations and tapestries of silence that are woven together I have come to a conclusion. I don't really like silence well, not "that kind" anyways.

I find that I narrate many things in my own head, and while most people just think about things. I on the other hand have a tiny me inside that actually takes time to punctuate every thought as though from a podium. He has slides, video clips, a laser pointer, and rehearses the way he wishes conversations would have gone. I sometimes argue with him but he always seems to win. He can make me laugh at random times, so when you see me randomly chuckle for no apparent reason it's because tiny me has just told a particularly good joke. Not necessarily because I think you looked really stupid talking on the phone and trying to push your elevator button and missing 4 times in a row. Although tiny me will probably bring that up later.

Relationships are complicated

My girlfriend suggested we start spooning, then after a while she mentioned that maybe we should fork. Not to be outdone I decided to knife her. Now I am in jail, girls are so complicated.

Lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek. Gee I hope I remember her name before this song ends. Otherwise I will have to keep calling her lady in red and if she changes cloths then I'm just boned.

I would do anything for love but I wont do that, no I wont do that. Seriously that's just sick what the hell is wrong with you?

In your eyes the light the heat, in your eyes I'm incomplete, in your eyes..... Sorry I'll stop staring I see that I'm obviously freaking you out.

Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take I'll be watching you. But at 100 yards because of the restraining order. Don't worry I got this nifty telephoto lens.

You take a lot of time to get pretty every day. Doing your makeup, picking out just the right outfit, making sure your hair is just so. Then you get mad when I stare at you. Your all like "What are you doing! Get out of my Tree!!!" Women! am I right guys?

Perspective

You have to actually turn on the dryer to make it dry that shirt you needed to wear for the morning meeting.

If you pay a needy cat any attention at all it will never leave you alone.....ever.
(This sentence is interchangeable with the word girl.)

Whatever lane you choose to be in on the freeway will be the slowest lane.

That thing you think you forgot but can't remember what it is, ya that was really important.

Your only clean towel is in the dryer with your meeting shirt.

Everyone knows that cloths of any kind add 10 or so pounds to the bathroom scale adjust accordingly.

Blood shot eyes really make that red shirt your wearing pop.

There are only 7 hours 58 minutes left to go before you can go home.

The good news is if this is in fact the worse day of your life it's all up hill from here..... except for you, you know who you are! There are only bad days left for you.

It's all a matter of perspective, unless you forgot your glasses then its all a matter of slightly blurred semi familiar objects.

Random and meaningless thoughts.

As I decided to do my blog today I had a veritable plethora of ideas. So many in fact that I mused about it for some time, then realized hours later that I never actually took the time to write down any of these thoughts. Of course now I can't remember a single one of them. Its not my fault, I don't sleep much. So you get random thoughts.

If fish is supposed to be so healthy for you explain wales.

Mood rings have gone out of style in recent years I propose that we perfect this technology so that it can perfectly detect your mood. Then the government will mandate that a mood stone be put on the forehead of every female. This will prevent further miss communications, stop wars, and make it so that when you are out of control furious I don't ask you out. Also there should be a "time of the month" systems critical warning.

My cat and I are in an epic struggle to kill each other but without the other knowing. I tried to tie a dryer sheet to him and well the rest is self explanatory, and he tried to gnaw my face off while I was sleeping. We where never that good at subtlety.

If French kissing is using the tongue then what is German kissing? Is it like invading Polandish tonsils or something.

Meh.. that's it for today I promise to sleep less tomorrow so I have something better for you.

Things you may not know about but should

If you put an egg in the microwave and cook it for 3 minutes on high (Honestly they say 'on high' but I have never changed a setting ever) it will explode. Also it will taste like a microwaved egg, well a microwaved egg and bits of lasagna but I think that might be unrelated.

Eventually in your life two or more Mormons will knock on your door, most of the time in white shirts and ties. If they are wearing a black silk outfit with a covered face and a katana they are not Mormons but ninja's. The difference is Mormons have accesses to rice crispy squares and ninjas will probably kill you.

If someone asks you what would you do for a Klondike bar? Kick them in the crotch immediately and say 'that!' Then run. This will eventually reach the ears of the Klondike people and your bar will be sent in the mail. Right around the time you receive the summons for your upcoming assault case. I got my assault papers yesterday so it should be here any time now.

If you ever accidentally run over a squirrel while mowing your lawn and the neighbor kid is watching after the kirrrrkirrrrksquanch sound is made. Point to the kid then point to the lawnmower, then point to that ball he threw into your yard, and smile. This will make a great story at the next block party and everyone will laugh and laugh. That reminds me I don't think I got my invitation yet.

That one girl at the gas station that is really pretty but also a little scary is just as scared of you as you are of her. That may be owing to the fact that you are wearing a ski mask. Do people actually wear those to ski anymore or do they just make them for robbers? But your face was cold and this seemed like a good conversation starter. So don't be afraid, and while you are lying on the ground being read your rights feel free to try and ask for her number. Or the number of the female officer.

The Game of Life

Confessions of a hippo: Honestly I wasn't all that hungry hungry but I knew that if I didn't eat those disgusting pellets I would be called a looser.

Police today solve another crime by cheating and looking in the envelope. The commissioner had this to say: "Look people we just couldn't put together all the clues, and we all knew where the answer was." Professor plumb was arrested later that day exclaiming that he never would have been caught had the police just played fair.

An area man was investigated by child protective services earlier this week evidently he was nearing the end of his life and sold his four children for extra points. While there is technically a rule for it most agree that it is just bad form.

Wall street received and upset when Boardwalk and Park Place both had to be mortgaged in a single day. The owner thought he was secure with his purchases but most believe his addiction to ridding railroads and his excessive spending at the Waterworks and Electric company led to his downfall. He had this to say: "Sure I landed in jail a few times but I never got free parking and that's why I am going to loose it all."

In military news another battle ship was sunk off the coast of Maine today it was heard firing at its supposed target but never seemed to hit. When asked why they didn't just move their ship or try and see where their enemies might be instead of firing blindly the fleet commander simply replied, that would be cheating.

Your New car

Sometimes when I get really bored I post responses on craigslist here is one I had some fun with last week.

Original Ad:
Poor College Student looking to buy a used car anyone out there looking to sell?

From: Sydeninsomniac
Hi I saw your ad, I have a car I am looking to sell it's a reliable land rover in nearly perfect condition only has 242,000 miles on it (but most of that was down hill and those miles don't count as much) It is green and in some places red actually that will wash off so mostly green. If the millage is too high just let me know and I can crack it open and roll it back a bit. Just a few problems to note:

The drivers side door does not open from the outside so you have to go in through the back. Also the passengers side door does not open. The batteries in my auto lock ran out about a month ago and I can't unlock anything so the doors will remain shut until you get a new one. I can reduce the cost of the car by that of the battery if that helps.

The glove box is sealed shut from the glue I left in there (next time I will leave it in the bottle lol) but that's ok because I left half a salad in there from that time I was dating a hippie girl and told her I liked salad. But I couldn't force down any more and shoved it in the then glue covered glove box. So it is probably better that it doesn't open anyways.

Rear door is broken and does not lock (thank Goodness) and sometimes opens when you are on the freeway but if you kind of swerve back and forth real fast you can make it shut itself for a few miles.

The headlights are broken but the spotter lights on top work this is actually better because you can point the lights where you want to see and are not limited by just in front of the car.

If anyone asks you about the blood stain on the carpet in the back just tell that the previous owner liked to hunt or something they will buy that.

The brakes are brand new and of my own design and work almost 90% of the time I think it will be break through to the automotive world ha Brake through lol.

Oh and when I turn on the AC there is a smell like molten death so usually I leave it off. Plus you get some pretty good airflow from the back door opening so much.

So if there are any questions just let me know I am only asking $18,000 which is a steal for this kind of vehicle. Also I only take cash or checks made out to cash.

From poster to me:
Like I said I am a starving student so this is out of my price range thanks though.

From me to Student:
I'm sorry I meant to say $17,998 I deducted $2 for the battery.

From poster to me:
Ya it's not what I am looking for.

From me to student:
I am willing to negotiate the price came down yesterday the prototype brakes did not go as planned and now it has a cracked windshield and dented front. But the prototype mark II are installed and so far so good. So with the new technology and all I could come down to maybe $17,800.

From poster to me:
Look your car sounds like a piece of crap I don't want it stop contacting me!

From me to student:
As it turns out that "dog" I hit wasn't what I thought it was. How about I give you the car tonight and you give me $500 that will cover my plane ticket to Mexico?

From poster to me:
What the hell is wrong with you!? Did you hit someone with that piece of crap?

From me to Student:
Look I am a little desperate here so just give me $400 and we will put the car in your name today. You can't beat a deal like that!

From Poster to me
This conversation is over stop contacting me!! YOU ARE MENTALLY ILL SEEK HELP!!!

From me to student:
Sorry to say that the car you where so interested in is no longer available would you be interested in a different Black Land Rover newly painted, new windshield, New front end?

From poster to me:
What!!? NO STOP EMAILING IF I HEAR FROM YOU ANYMORE I AM CONTACTING THE POLICE!

From me to student:
ok.

Blogging the final frontier

These are the stories of people who literally have nothing better to do than spout mindless dribble on the internet, and in the spirit of that here goes. The following are truly random thoughts.


The color red has to many meanings; stop, love, heart, blood, hot, pain, powerful, emergency, Red is the color of happiness and prosperity in China, it is the color of mourning in South Africa, and is associated with communist rule. Oh I get it red is the color of relationships. In other words it means what ever the hell my girlfriend decides it means at any given moment.

Movies that didn't make it:
Back to the future 4: Rise of the machines
Ghostbusters III: Why we shouldn't have crossed the streams
Better off dead II: Still better off dead
The most recent hulk: Oh sorry this belongs in the shouldn't have been made category
The Land Before Time part 10: The oil field
Star Trek the wrath of Khan Jr.: This time it's really wrathful

How many half human half green moon princess Captain Kirk's do you suppose are out there? And do you think he flies around in a space ship to avoid child support?

I bought a new bed to try and cure my insomnia (sorry readers) it did not have the desired effect. Now its like I'm not sleeping on a cloud.

I cheated on my long time breakfast companion while I was eating the breakfast burrito I was thinking about an egg McMuffin I am so ashamed.

I think if appliances started coming to life the one we would have to worry about would be the copy machine. After all we sat on it with no pants on made 20 copies then didn't call the next day.

Mary Poppins lied to me

She said a spoon full of sugar would help the medicine go down stupid insulin medication.

Mary Poppins: [singing] Stay awake, don't rest your head. Don't lie down upon your bed. While the moon drifts in the skies... Stay awake, don't close your eyes. Though the world is fast asleep, though your pillow's soft and deep, you're not sleepy as you seem; stay awake, don't nod and dream... Stay awake... don't nod... and... dream...... Ok now what!? It's 15 years later and I am still an insomniac WHAT NOW POPPINS!!!

Mary Poppins: In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun, and - SNAP - the job's a game!...... This did not go over well as my brief stint as the electric chair operator.

I am convinced that suicide a few years ago was not a man jumping off a building but rather trying to enter the magical chalk drawing bellow.

I broke my leg trying to umbrella fly I guess I bought the wrong umbrella.

I got stuck in the fireplace trying to enter the magical world of chimney sweeps.

And nothing so far in life has earned the title Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious or even the backwards version Suoicodilaipxecitsiligarfilacrepus which if you look closely enough it looks like: 'suicidal expects large filled creeps' I don't know what that means I just know that Poppins has lied to me.