Relationships are complicated

My girlfriend suggested we start spooning, then after a while she mentioned that maybe we should fork. Not to be outdone I decided to knife her. Now I am in jail, girls are so complicated.

Lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek. Gee I hope I remember her name before this song ends. Otherwise I will have to keep calling her lady in red and if she changes cloths then I'm just boned.

I would do anything for love but I wont do that, no I wont do that. Seriously that's just sick what the hell is wrong with you?

In your eyes the light the heat, in your eyes I'm incomplete, in your eyes..... Sorry I'll stop staring I see that I'm obviously freaking you out.

Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take I'll be watching you. But at 100 yards because of the restraining order. Don't worry I got this nifty telephoto lens.

You take a lot of time to get pretty every day. Doing your makeup, picking out just the right outfit, making sure your hair is just so. Then you get mad when I stare at you. Your all like "What are you doing! Get out of my Tree!!!" Women! am I right guys?

Mary Poppins lied to me

She said a spoon full of sugar would help the medicine go down stupid insulin medication.

Mary Poppins: [singing] Stay awake, don't rest your head. Don't lie down upon your bed. While the moon drifts in the skies... Stay awake, don't close your eyes. Though the world is fast asleep, though your pillow's soft and deep, you're not sleepy as you seem; stay awake, don't nod and dream... Stay awake... don't nod... and... dream...... Ok now what!? It's 15 years later and I am still an insomniac WHAT NOW POPPINS!!!

Mary Poppins: In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun, and - SNAP - the job's a game!...... This did not go over well as my brief stint as the electric chair operator.

I am convinced that suicide a few years ago was not a man jumping off a building but rather trying to enter the magical chalk drawing bellow.

I broke my leg trying to umbrella fly I guess I bought the wrong umbrella.

I got stuck in the fireplace trying to enter the magical world of chimney sweeps.

And nothing so far in life has earned the title Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious or even the backwards version Suoicodilaipxecitsiligarfilacrepus which if you look closely enough it looks like: 'suicidal expects large filled creeps' I don't know what that means I just know that Poppins has lied to me.

Act 16 A Cleverly Disguised Rant AKA: Star Bright

I don't know anyone that hasn't wished on a star at one point or another in their life. It's hard not to look up at those twinkling lights on a warm summer’s night and wish for something or someone special. To glare into the night sky and outsource all our hopes and dreams to the great unknown. Not unlike outsourcing call centers to third world countries for tech support (not as customer friendly but a great way to save a buck). Wish fulfillment can be a beautiful thing to hope for but outsourcing to those great twinkling lights in the endless sky needs to become a thing of the past. Much like having to talk to a guy who says his name is Fred on the phone but you distinctly hear someone call him Nassapeen-A’-Hapoooan in the back ground. Think about it, I mean really think about it. The closest star to our solar system is Alpha Centauri triple star system the closest star in this being Proxima Centauri which is over 4.22 light years away. Ok, that doesn't seem that far; only 4 light years. But I assure you that 4 freaking light years is an eternity. Since we can only travel like 400 miles an hour that’s like a thousand years. Also when English is your fifth language and you can’t understand even the most basic of phrases you don’t get to be customer support. Since you can’t understand the customers you claim to support and we can’t understand you through a mouthful of lamb curry and an accent so thick I am actual considering using it as a tire sealant. So when you say oh star light star bright make the wish I wish tonight. Then a thousand years later the star gets your call and sends you back your wish fulfilled you would be two thousand years older and most likely dead. Much like when you have to wait on the phone for six hours only to be finally transferred back to the person that was supposed to originally help you. So even if you wish to the closest star and it answers you post haste your wish will never be fulfilled in your life time. So I have a solution to your wishful needs. The next time you need to wish fulfilled don't outsource it (seriously the next time something gets outsourced I will kill you.) The closest star is the Sun. Now the sun is only out during the day so if you really need a wish then stare directly at the Sun without blinking and say "star light star bright make the wish I wish today." Then in lengthy and precise detail say your wish. Only one recommendation: Don't wish for better eyesight. I also recommend this method if you have to call Dell customer service since you will get better results and possibly a tan. Also sorry in advance for making you go blind.

Act 15 Third Party

I am getting pretty tired of politics and how it is invading all facets of my life. You can’t throw a proverbial stone without it rebounding off of some ridiculous story that has no real bearing on…well politics. I don’t really care about pigs and bull dogs and who put lipstick on them while playing hockey and talking about change all the while not building a bridge to nowhere that they may or may not have wanted in the first place but never got. Is anyone else reminded of a fourth grade recess showdown? It goes something like this, (I’ll make up some names so that no one gets offended, lets go with John, Sara, Brock, and Joe); John pushes Brock while they are in an argument. John gets in trouble because he is older and should know better. John starts playing with the new girl Sara and Brock gets mad because no one is playing with him anymore. So he and his less popular friend Joe call Sara a dog. This turns into a shoving match between all four and they all get sent to the principal’s office. Seriously is this what our country is coming to? If Republicans and Democrats can’t play nice together or in the least be civil with one another lets start a new party. In this new party we will focus on fairness. If at any time someone goes too far left or too far right they will be summarily executed for crimes against humanity. Everyone will be listened to in turn and if it turns out you are a nut job you will be executed for crimes against humanity. Name calling will not be tolerated. Negative ads that make no sense will not be tolerated. You get exactly one free lie in your entire political career. If you are found to have lied more than once you will be executed for crimes against humanity. It might sound cruel but that insures that those who want to run are serious about the commitment. Oh and the biggest policy will be question answering. If you are ever heard to say “let me answer that question with this question” you will be executed for crimes against humanity. If you don’t know the answer to a question or don’t want to answer then the appropriate responses will be the following; ‘I don’t know, let me get back to you on that one’. Or, ‘I am not answering that at this time,’ followed by an explanation of why you are not answering the question. By the way if you don’t get back to them you will be executed for crimes against humanity. I think this will solve most of our political problems. If I have to hear one more argument that is the mental equivalent of pulling out a large clump of nose hair with rusty needle nose pliers, I might just have to climb a clock tower with a homemade rifle that shoots milk duds and start taking people out. Just to prove a point since it makes just about as much sense as our current political phenomena.

Act 12 Phantom of the Burn Ward

I have been asked many times in my life how to tell if ‘that guy’ over there is the Phantom of the Opera or if I am just in my hospital’s local burn ward. Let me tell you it is not always easy. But I have come up with a few things to look for to help narrow down the possibilities. First thing you need to do is look around, are you surrounded by Doctors and nurses? If the answer is yes don’t be fooled since Doctors go to the theater too. What you need to look for is rubber gloves, white coats, and scrubs. If they are wearing all these then odds are you are in a hospital. The second sign would be if everyone lying in bed is dressed up like a mummy and it is not Halloween (this tip has helped me a lot). Next listen, is anyone saying things like “this is why we don’t drink lighter fluid,” and “We can fix that with skin from your butt.” Also ask yourself these questions. Did they make me wash my hands for ten minutes before I entered? Are there machines helping people breath and eat? Are you in a hospital? If the answer to any of the aforementioned is yes the guy you are looking at is not the Phantom of the Opera and probably doesn’t like being stared at.

To identify the true Phantom you should see things like young girls in low cut dresses with heaving bosoms. Well dressed sophisticates standing around looking haughty and a guy in a porcelain mask with a flowing cape (if it’s not flowing sorry that’s just not the guy). If you see him don’t get your hopes up; you still have to look for a few identifiers. Take a look around. Is the man in the mask looking longingly at a pretty girl or vindictively glaring at a guy talking to a pretty girl? Are people around you holding their hands up at the level of their eyes so as not to be strangled to death by a length of rope? If they are that’s a great sign. Now you can approach and start up a conversation. Look for some clues when talking to him before blurting out ‘are you the Phantom!’ Does he seem slightly psychotic from years of oppression and bitter loneliness? Does he call you his angel and make you sing for him? Or will he only speak to you if you do so in the right octave while standing in melodramatic poses? Are you in an opera house, theater, or in France ? Are you in a musical? If the answer is yes then congratulations the guy you’re talking to is probably the real Phantom of the Opera and you are not in the burn ward of your local hospital. Bad news is that you are an unimportant character and will probably be crushed by a falling chandelier very soon, so try and get an autograph before you die.