My Morning

When coming off of heat exhaustion and going on 1 1/2 hours of sleep everything is just more interesting. This picture perfectly explains my morning.


The funny thing is I couldn't eat anything because they wouldn't stop screaming

My 4 day weekend

Sorry no posts on Friday and yesterday I had a rather interesting weekend.

Thursday:
My Brother lets me know that he is broken down in the deserts of California and that his engine is blown. We have family a few hours away so he gets a ride but is stuck needing to be in Utah (where I am from) as soon as possible. Well he starts looking into buying himself a new truck but can't find exactly what he is looking for. So I decided to help him out, Utah has a much better selection to choose from and soon I am at a dealership for 6 hours hammering out a good deal. So because he is not there to sign anything I put it all in my name so I can drive the truck off the lot and get going to save my stranded brother.
Friday:
I drive the 12 hours to California.
Saturday:
Spend some time getting things in order like getting the load we need to haul back (the reason he was there in the first place.)
Sunday:
Head out early to go get his actual car. Luck would have it that his car is towing a trailer big enough that his old car will fit on it. Bad luck the trailer hitch pin is not the right size for the new truck. So we spend an hour at a gas station asking everyone with a truck if we can buy theirs off of them. Now we have the pin we hook up the fully loaded trailer and we are off a lot later than we had anticipated and the few hours it takes to get everything situated in the 110 degree weather has given me the onset of heat stroke.
20 miles down the road, still Sunday:
We hear an explosion and realize we have just shredded a trailer tire. With the seven thousand pound load we are hauling it takes us a bit of time and cunning to actually change the tire. But now we are without a spare tire and with our luck so far that is just not sitting well. So we find a place in Baker California (tire blow out center of the universe) that will come in after hours charge us our first born child but get us a new tire.
Late at night, still Sunday:
By the time we get to Vegas it is midnight and I am still suffering from the sun exhaustion so we decide to get a room and head out the next morning.
Monday:
I am supposed to be back at work but am still in Vegas. Towing a heavy load and feeling a little sick. We don't pull into Utah until 6 but still have to go to the dealership to redo all the paper work so that my brothers new truck is not still in my name. My brother regales at least 5 people at the dealership with our epic story the process takes 3 times longer than it needed to. By 8 I am finally at home but have to go into work and take care of some things so I don't get to bed till around 2:30
Tuesday:
My alarm goes off at 5 I stare at it knowing the loathing that it must have for me that it likes to hurt me this way.
Still Tuesday:
Get on blog at work and let people know why I have not been posting.
Right now:
Reread this and realize it is almost as long as my weekend but decide to post it anyways.

You have died of dysentery

As a child in grade school like many of you I played Oregon Trail. I learned the joys of history, how to literally push your family to death, and why you should always go into the wilderness with no food at all and plenty of ammo. With these valuable life lessons and of course the upset stomach I have today I bring you the following.

Always make sure your food is cooked and thoroughly scared.

When going in a public place make sure and bring a pocket knife, paper clip, and some duct tape. I don't know how those would help in this situation I just know Macgyver always seemed to have them on him.

And when the dysentery finally does kill you as we learned in Oregon Trail make sure and have a backup plan.

An ode to Twitter

My boss asked me about twitter yesterday he keeps reading that Opera, congress, and his next door neighbor are all on twitter. He asked for my honest opinion about it, this is what I sent him. He hasn't responded yet but I did notice he scheduled a meeting with HR. I love my job.

An Ode To Twitter
I went to twitter to post some tweats
That no one honestly cares to read
Random crap about my day
How I was bored on the freeway
How cool is this? I exclaim!
Every moment no matter how lame
Now you can read about my number two,
my grocery list, and my trip to the zoo
Every second I can add a tweat
I know what your thinking what a wonderful treat
Well your wrong, no seriously!
I could give a rats ass where you would rather be
I don't care that you stubbed your toe,
or how fast your nails grow
If you have something to say call my phone,
send me a text, or leave me alone!
Twitter you bastard you've doomed us all!
This will be how mankind falls!
If you want to tell me about your trip to Prague
Shut the hell up and get a blog.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

Why do they call it shampoo instead of head soap or hair cleaner? I just try and avoid anything with the word poo in it.

Cave men discovered fire Einstein discovered relativity. E=MC'2 is quite famous but stick+stick=meat cooker just doesn't get the credit I think it should.

Yogurt is a bacterial reaction that you add fruit to and it turns something kind of gross into something great. Maybe we should take this approach with cancer and give it a funny hat or something.

My work did not go for the 4/10's idea I had, where you work 4 days at 10 hours and take Fridays off. I think my plan for 2/20's might just aggravate them.

I sometimes feel like I am seeing life through a sort of haze, a thick smoke that makes the future hard to see. My arresting officer said it was probably just the arson fire.

Fire can clean, it can renew a forest, it can sterilize surgical equipment, but it can't bring back Grandma in fact it does the opposite.

How to be an IT Manager or how to look busy

As an IT manager I have a lot of responsibilities that involve making sure that things run as efficiently and smoothly as possible. But what people don't understand is that when I come up with new and innovative ways to make their jobs easier I do the same for me. So when it comes down to it 90% of my job is now automated. Programs that used to take me hours to do are now in easy scripts that take me minutes. Processes that took most of a day are being done on scheduled timers automatically at night, which basically means that I am bored. I have made my job so efficient that I have nothing to do. Now I do spend a lot of time researching new ways to do things, learning new programs, and trying out anything to help things go even smoother. But there is only so much you can do before you are being so efficient that there is little to no room for improvement. I am now a fire marshal I am just waiting for a fire so I can go and put it out. This however gives people the wrong impression. You see it comes down to simple perception. People don't understand my job so they think that I am being lazy. When in fact I had more overtime last year than everyone in two departments combined. And if something does go wrong I often have to work the entire weekend to make sure things are tip top by Monday so that no one else is put out. So I have a delicate balance to maintain. If other departments think I have nothing to do then they will give me more of their work load. That's fine I don't mind helping but when a problem does arrive and it takes me all day to fix it then things fall behind because they are depending on me to do their work and everything goes to crap. So I have to look busy all the time to make sure that things don't go horribly, horribly wrong. Trust me and ask any IT guy he will tell you the same. I know it sounds like I am rambling but you need to understand. When I have work to do it is an insane amount and usually needs to be done right that second. So now I finally get to my point how to look busy when you have nothing to do.
1. Look annoyed at all times: people who are busy are usually upset about it and it's important to look the part.
2. Simple problems usually fix themselves so stall for time: How many times have you called your tech guy and then it miraculously started working? People make mistakes, as much as they don't want to admit it. So when someone calls me with an email that wont send or a speaker that isn't working I always answer the same way. "Can you give me just a second I will be there as soon as I can, I just need to finish this first?" This gives the illusion that you are doing something really important you wait 10 minutes then go, 99.9% of the time the problem has been resolved by the time you get there. This lets them save face because you didn't walk up and just push a button, which makes them feel stupid. And when you are working on something critical they will be used to waiting for a minute and not get really annoyed that you didn't come right away.
3. People skills: When someone asks me to fix say an email that wont send then tells me about a strange pop up they got three weeks ago and how the two are probably related I always pretend to listen. Most people are computerly stupid and if it happened on the computer then of course it relates to everything else that happened on the computer. I even pull up a command prompt and pretend to check a vital system then try and explain that thanks for letting me know but no those aren't related. This gets hard to do after a few years on the job and that's why most IT guys seem like they are one Mountain Dew and explanation away from buying a gun and coming back to destroy those who oppose them. But people skills are important because you need to pretend that you care.
4. Maintenance denial: Computers need basic maintenance just like a car needs oil changes. Files get corrupted things slow down and if not taken care of somewhat regularly then small problems like an oil leek turn into big problems like your engine seizing up and having to get a new one. But if I so much as lay a hand on your computer then everything you do for the next month that doesn't work will be blamed on what I did to your machine. If you don't know what I am doing then you assume that I am sabotaging you for some unknown reason. So to get around this only do maintenance when others aren't around early in the morning, or late at night, when they are on vacation, or quickly while they are at lunch. Never let them see you doing something to their computer that they don't understand why. But make sure that someone else knows you are doing it. Make reports to your superiors that all computers are up to date, use buzz words like synergy, optimized, and, enhanced. They wont know what the hell you are talking about anyways so you might as well make it sound good. This lets them know that you are doing something when it seems like everything is going fine.
5. Meetings: Take meetings, go to meetings, and say something at every meeting. This lets people think that you care about what is going on. Who knows you might actually pick up something useful at a meeting once and a while like what internet sites to block. Meetings are the universal way to make people think that you are big and important and most of all busy that is why executives have a lot of meetings. Then you can say things like "sorry Bill I am so swamped I have to skip this meeting," when you have things to actually do and it makes you seem extra busy.

I hope this has helped you understand the keys to being an effective IT Manager

Ah the joys of IT Managing

So as an IT Manager every now and then I get a fun message at 11:00 at night. It says something like critical error and I have to get out of the bed I was pretending to sleep in and drive to work. Why you ask? Say it's my mail server, if my coworkers and bosses loose even one email I have given them ammo to complain about even more things then they already do, and a reason not to work. Since it is my goal in life to give them no excuse what so ever for them to not do their jobs I have to take care of the problem day or night. Now it's 3 am I am still here and probably will be for another few hours. Ah the joys of IT Management.

New Diet Fad that realy works!

I have been wanting to get on the diet fad band wagon for a long time now. Not the loose weight side of it, the making money off of people with low self esteem part. My plan is simple and has 5 steps.
Step 1: Enroll in my eating guide plan helper thing and pay me money.
Step 2: Buy the crappy food I found in the back of my fridge that I tell you is healthy
Step 3: Buy some snack food bars that is basically peanut butter rolled in something sticky. But only the ones I sell.
Step 4: Pay me more money to join the super platinum members club
Step 5: Give me a great testimonial because you are to embarrassed to admit that you payed me way to much money for something that didn't work. Then tell all your friends it's great.

I will be a millionaire by Christmas.

Animal cookie-itus the silent killer

Swine flu has been in the news recently along with bird flu, mad cow, and crazy chicken. I may have just made up that last one but who would know? It got me wondering what animal illness they will come up with next to shock us into hating pets. It always seems to be news when some animal illness kills someone but the regular people flu has an estimated 63,730 annual deaths attributed to influenza and pneumonia. Was it a slow news day? Why do these stories always seem to make the front page. In other words you are more likely to be hit by a bus on your way to work than to get swine flu and die. They should do a shocking story on the upswing of people that choked to death on animal cookies and call it animal cookie-itus what the cookie company is not telling you, story at 10. I guess they are tired of talking about the recession so they decided to scare all these out of work people to death by telling them that there is a rampant case of some unknown virus sweeping the nation, and oh by the way we are rubbing it in that you don't have health insurance anymore. Ya, that should cheer people up. Perhaps next time they can show the dangers of owning puppies and how leprechauns are the reason that your bank failed. Thanks credible news sources and until next time this is Syden Insomniac good night, and good luck.

Calling in sick

So in this age of super communication calling in sick is a whole new thing. I have to text my boss, then text the people who are going to be at the office first, then send an email to make sure that my boss knows because he might not check his text in the first place. Then because I am the IT Manager that might not matter anyways because if something breaks they are going to call me on my cell so I can remote into their computer to fix it. So really staying home from work is just saying 'I am going to work from home today.' Sometimes I wish I was back in pioneer days. If I didn't show up I was probably dead. Of course back then things like diarrhea and the common cold killed people. So the question becomes how much do I not want to be disturbed when lying in bed trying to keep whats on the inside well.....inside? Ya I think I would rather die then try and talk another salesman through how to get his email while holding my head on in hopes that it wont explode from the pain because he is in the wrong mail box again. But on second thought then I wouldn't have as many readers if I had to carve all these random semi meaningless thoughts on a tree outback. Oh well back to bed...

ADD Managers

I have been reading about ADD lately (you know Attention deficit disorder) and was wondering if we really should be treating it? Now ADD is most apparent in children under 7. Really your child under 7 has problems paying attention really! But seriously I realize that this is a disease and all, but just listen to the symptoms.

•Often fails to pay close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork or other activities
•Often has trouble sustaining attention during tasks or play
•Seems not to listen even when spoken to directly
•Has difficulty following through on instructions and often fails to finish schoolwork, chores or other tasks
•Often has problems organizing tasks or activities
•Avoids or dislikes tasks that require sustained mental effort, such as schoolwork or homework
•Frequently loses needed items, such as books, pencils, toys or tools
•Can be easily distracted
•Forgetful often

Now think about those for a minute. Not only dose every child I have ever met under the age of 7 have these symptoms but let’s look at it in a different light for a moment these Kids are the managers of tomorrow.

•My Manager often fails to pay close attention to details or makes careless mistakes then blames it on me.
•My Manager often has trouble sustaining attention during meetings and work hours.
•My Manager seems to listen only to himself and I have found that if I do not use to much vulgarity I can pretty much say what ever I want because his brain literally shuts off until it is his turn to talk again.
•My Manager has difficulty following through and he gives incomplete instructions; example: go to the supply warehouse and get me the um… boxed thing I enjoy so much.
•My Manager often has problems with organizing tasks and activities and is always late and leaves early unless golf is involved then he reverses the order and arrives early and leaves late.
•My Manager avoids tasks that require sustained mental effort and will do anything to put them off such as reports and employee evaluations.
•My Manager frequently loses needed items, such as books, pencils, TPS reports, his snack pudding, and payroll hours then sends me out to get him more / makes me work overtime to finish them.
•My Manager can easily be distracted by golf, shinny things, jiggling keys, and the thought of coming to work.
•My Manager never remembers any part of a conversation that did not involve his new pro putter 7000 with the new titanium shaft, GPS tracking module, and laser guided hole projector, with the baby skin custom grip.

So I am not sure that I should treat my child for ADD otherwise he might turn out to be hard working and not the least bit qualified to be a manager.

What shamwow is not telling you

The sham wow is that super absorbent German engineered product that has funny infomercials. So sleep deprived as I was I decided to give it a try. Here are a few things that the sham wow did not do so well.

Diaper: It is supposed to be super absorbent so I put one on a two year old fed him 15 bananas, a bran muffin, and 4 fiber shakes. While it did absorb most of the final product it gave the kid a rash and now after several cleanings still smells.

Unusual cleanup: The sham wow completely failed to clean up all of the human blood I needed it to 8 quarts is a lot and the sham wow just doesn't have what it takes.

Blanket: To small

Sweat Band: It did surprisingly well as a sweat band except for the fact that after the work out when rung out it gives you everything back it absorbed and that's a lot of sweat to deal with.

Tampon: In a jam I guess it would do ok but don't expect to get all the blood out.

Wash Cloth: Who wants to pay 20 bucks for a wash cloth.

Pirate ship sail: It did not hold the wind very well, didn't have a skull on it, and is far to small to act as a sail. I will write the company.

Cape: The sham wow did stretch enough to tie around a neck but did not have the cape feel I was looking for.

Nuclear waste: Absorbent yes. Super mutant absorbent no.

Gas siphon: Tie 6 or so sham wow's together then use a wire hanger to force it into a gas tank and pull out ring out and walla! Free gas.

Except now my sham wow is rapidly degrading, smells like gas and poo, is pinkish stained, exhibit A in the trial, and is highly flammable. Not a great product folks.

Bathroom etiquette 101 men addition.

Bathroom etiquette 101 men addition.

1. Urinals: When in the bathroom you are not permitted to stand at the urinal when someone else is at the one adjacent to it. If you find yourself in a situation where the only free urinal is next to one being used then hold it or go into a stall. The only exception to this rule is if the urinals have the slight fake walls on both sides then pee were you may.
2. Conversation: It is never ok to talk in the bathroom when you or the subject of your comment is touching porcelain or is unzipped. This means that yes when we are both washing our hands a polite hello is acceptable. Anything other than programed response answers is still not allowed under any circumstances. Example "whats up?" is still ok because I can force a smile and nod but something like "did you see Lost last night?" IS NOT OK. You can wait till we are outside the bathroom to talk about Sawyers latest nickname.
3. Cell Phones: If your phone rings in the bathroom it is ok to ignore it completely let it ring, if for some reason you don't like your ringer you may push the button to make it stop ringing. YOU MAY NOT ANSWER IT. If I call you and I hear grunting the background we can no longer be friends. Do not squat and talk not ever not even to call your sick wife. You can do that from the hall. The phone rings to tell you that the heart you have been waiting for is ready for transplant, YOU ZIP UP GO OUTSIDE AND TAKE THE CALL.
4. Eye contact: While eye contact is ok and even encouraged in public relations. This rule does not apply in the bathroom. Never make eye contact I dont care if that guy in the office that shares your floor thinks you have autism keep your eyes to yourself in the bathroom!
5. Sounds: Sometimes you have to make sounds when dropping he kids off at the pool. If you find yourself in a situation where this is unavoidable use these rules. If you are alone go nuts the walls can shake for all I care. If you are interrupted by a casual pee-er go silent mode until they leave guys are fast. Courtesy flushes are not only a nice way of getting rid of a smell but can mask your ghastly sound try and flush before epic attempts at world records. If someone is sitting in a stall also making cable then it is ok to both make sounds as long as you follow the above rules. And yes it is ok to pretend you are not in a stall and lift your feat when your boss comes in a exclaims "Oh God what is that smell!"

If you have any questions about the above do not ask in the bathroom.

Online Dating

Lately for kicks I have been making up fake profiles and posting them on dating sites to see if I can get responses. Here is one I posted 2 days ago

Username: notafreakingpsycho23
Birthday: March ?? ???? I’m not sure the exact year but I know it was a while ago ‘cause I can’t seem to remember it at all.
Education: N/A
Occupation: N/A
Favorite Color: Red but only if it looks like blood
Hobbies: Pretending, dreaming, dreaming about pretending, and pretending to be dreaming.
Pets: I used to have a cat but he got locked in the oven on lasagna night. And my tape worm frank

About me:
Hello my name is Toby my favorite pastime is practicing smiling in the mirror. Sometimes I go to old folks home and smile at them until they ask me to leave. My big goal is to no longer look so creepy when I am smiling. Old people look like wrinkled peanuts I wonder how salty they are.

I was raised in the commune with the other soldiers of god by my Dad and my 17 moms we learned lots of great things like shooting, skinning small animals, and making moon shine in the old tub out back. I was there till I was 9 and was traded to the government as a show of good faith. Hmm I wonder how that turned out.

My Ideal Partner:
I am looking for a woman with wide child bearing hips and real hair. I had a girlfriend once named rain she lived in forest behind the government holding center and used to sing to tree frogs for blessing from the great mother. I stopped seeing her after the doctor adjusted my medication. So now that I am out I don’t take it anymore in hopes she will come back

Location:
I live really close to the train and like to shout wooo woooo when it goes past ever three hours.

My Ideal Date:
I would take you some place really fancy like McDonalds and let you get whatever you wanted. If you got hungry later you could try some of my squirrel stew but that’s more of a second date kind of thing.

My Favorite music:
I think that music is from Satan except maybe Linkin Park they are pretty good.

Favorite Movies:
I have never seen a movie up close but sometimes I sneak into my neighbors back yard and watch their TV from the bushes. You can’t hear but its more fun to make up the words anyways. My favorite TV show is friends when I do the voices for them it’s just like living on the commune.

Favorite books:
I enjoy reading the things written on the sides of the train when it passes but it goes real fast so sometimes I hurt my neck trying to look at it so quick.

Closing:
So if you are interested in bearing children, learning combat skills, and know your amendment rights I am the guy for you.

Conversation Translated

I work with a lot of girls and I realized that what I say is not always what they hear. So I came up with this handy translation guide.

What I said: Good Morning
What you heard: I don’t care enough about you to notice that you’re wearing new shoes

What I said: Hey do you have that report for me?
What you heard: You are incompetent and fat and I hate you and everything you do here.

What I said: You look nice today.
What you heard: You looked like crap yesterday

What I said: I’m going to lunch, be back in an hour.
What you heard: You need to loose weight and I am throwing it in your face by not inviting you to lunch even though I have never before invited you to lunch. Which means that I have always thought that you where fat, oh and I hate you.

What I said: Hey great job on that report.
What you heard: I am mocking you and think that you’re incompetent.

What I said: I’m out of here have a great night.
What you heard: Even though you’re supposed to work two more hours today because I was so insulting today wait 5 minutes after I leave then go home.

Ya My car didn’t start and I saw you leave the parking lot.

Uncomfortable Plot Summaries

I don't normally cop out and plug other sites but I found this LIST very funny. Some of my favorites are Lord of the Rings, Cheers, and Frankenstein. Seriously check it out. Also to my girl readers should defiantly read Pride and Prejudice review lol fantastic!

Really Random Thoughts... No seriously

The worst sound in the world is when you turn the roll of toilet paper in the public bathroom it lets out the torment screech of a thousand souls and you realize there is nothing left.

I like outdoors fun so I went to buy a Frisbee but when the salesman saw me he would only sell me a boomerang. Stupid insightful salesmen who know that I don’t have any friends to throw things to!

It bothers me slightly that with a minimal amount of training a monkey could do my job. In fact he would probably have better people skills.

Dehydrated potatoes the silent killer.

Is buying liquid soap is just charging me for adding water, or is buying bar soap charging me for taking it out?

Dehydrated potatoes will kill you if snorted. In memory of Billy you earned that 5 dollar bet my friend. Now you'll be betting with angels. Also everyone looked at me funny at the wake for bringing funeral potatoes. Oh I just got that.....

I think that people should be more honest, then at least I would know why I was creeping you out that one day. Was it the camera or the fact that you found me in the crawl space wearing a Franky says relax t-shirt? Because I have other shirts!

I read this saying the other day: "You were born a winner! After all you were the fastest sperm." This was of course coined by a man. Then I thought about what it would say if a woman came up with it, and then all of my failed relationships came into focus. It goes like this: You where sitting there minding your own business when you where assaulted by billions of man particles trying to make you into something you weren't. Now it's pay back time!

I came, I saw, I got bored and went home early

Rainy days always make me think of that one time that I peed off of a cliff, and it makes me realize. God must really be up there and it looks like he had another big gulp.

My dad bought me a new video game called homicide, it was a gun with a broken extension cord taped to the end of it. The instruction book was just a napkin with a name written on it. It was really realistic the guy I had to kill on my first mission even looked like my dads boss. I am waiting for part two to come out it's called conviction and life in jail.

Girls don't like it when I stare at them but they don't seem to like it when I ignore them either. So my new method is making eye contact for exactly 15 seconds then I run screaming from the room. So far I think its working.

Funny lazy

Don't you hate it when you just don't feel funny. So I leave you with a few really funny pictures.

Easter

Make sure and have deviled eggs on Easter you know to represent all the paganism of a possessed bunny with magical powers who craps colored eggs onto your lawn. Otherwise he will sick his flying friend with a tooth fetish to come into your room at night and drool over you while you sleep then feel guilty and leave some money under your pillow, but only after stealing a tooth as a memento of your time together. I love the holidays.

Period!

So I have been trying to figure out how to breach this very delicate subject. I vote that we change the way we look at women and that special time they have once a month dubbed the period. When one thinks of a period they think of finality period suggests that something is over. But as we all know a period is just the beginning so I vote that from now on we call the period the exclamation point!
Wikipedia gives us this definition: An exclamation point is a punctuation mark: ! It is usually used after an interjection or exclamation to indicate strong feelings or high volume, and generally marks the end of a sentence. A sentence ending in an exclamation mark is either an actual exclamation ("Wow!", "Boo!"), a command ("Stop!"), or is intended to be astonishing in some way ("They were the footprints of a gigantic hound!")
Now read the definition again and think about it as a womanly thing. Strong feelings, high volume, Wow!, Boo!, for the love of all that’s holy STOP! That’s right it perfectly describes this delicate time and the frame of reference that all men should have towards it. Marking it as a period is just unfair. So I vote that all men everywhere begin to call it the exclamation point (just not anywhere your wife can hear you).

My Best Date ever

My best date ever.

She showed up an hour late which was ok I understand that girls like to get dressed up. And wearing those sweat pants that say juicy stretched across the back where probably pretty hard to squeeze into. We had a bit of a drive to restaurant I thought we could talk but she decided to text some friends. We got to the restaurant late got seated in the back and the server didn't bring us hardly any food. But it was good because instead of talking during the meal she decided to text some friends. We left I was hungry. Arrived at the comedy club were we where assaulted by the who's who of the most non funny comedians in all the land. They gathered near and far to bore the living crap out of me. My date didn't seem to mind or notice because she spent the night texting. When it was finally over we decided to end the night but it was alas not to be. Because my car was gone. It had been towed so after about an hour and a half of getting the run around with the tow truck guy. He decided to generously give me my car back for the low low cost of 200 dollars. I drove her back to her car where she promised to text me. Of that I have no doupt.

Random thoughts return of the randomness

Make a man a fire he will be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Ahab had his whale I have my dignity. Some things where just not meant to be. At least I don't run around with a half naked Indian... well not anymore.

Croquet teaches girls a bad lesson, it is never ok to step on two balls that are close together and hit them with a mallet to see if one will go really far. Ya try not to think about this one :)

Honesty is the best policy

Honesty is the best policy; Policy subject to change without notice.

Tex-Mex should be changed to: sorry about that whole Alamo thing want some steak?

Politicians should have a 10% pay cut for every lie they tell while campaigning and a 5% for each lie told in office. The proceeds will go to balancing the budget all constituents found to be below 0% will have all or their property and assets seized then will be summarily shot. Or at least that's whats behind the slogan I am running on in 2012. Honesty or death.

What came first the chicken cordon blue or the Omelet? This will decided the age old question of feathers or eggs.

And finally an internet safety tip in the form of this picture