My best date ever.
She showed up an hour late which was ok I understand that girls like to get dressed up. And wearing those sweat pants that say juicy stretched across the back where probably pretty hard to squeeze into. We had a bit of a drive to restaurant I thought we could talk but she decided to text some friends. We got to the restaurant late got seated in the back and the server didn't bring us hardly any food. But it was good because instead of talking during the meal she decided to text some friends. We left I was hungry. Arrived at the comedy club were we where assaulted by the who's who of the most non funny comedians in all the land. They gathered near and far to bore the living crap out of me. My date didn't seem to mind or notice because she spent the night texting. When it was finally over we decided to end the night but it was alas not to be. Because my car was gone. It had been towed so after about an hour and a half of getting the run around with the tow truck guy. He decided to generously give me my car back for the low low cost of 200 dollars. I drove her back to her car where she promised to text me. Of that I have no doupt.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Random thoughts return of the randomness
Make a man a fire he will be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Ahab had his whale I have my dignity. Some things where just not meant to be. At least I don't run around with a half naked Indian... well not anymore.
Croquet teaches girls a bad lesson, it is never ok to step on two balls that are close together and hit them with a mallet to see if one will go really far. Ya try not to think about this one :)
Ahab had his whale I have my dignity. Some things where just not meant to be. At least I don't run around with a half naked Indian... well not anymore.
Croquet teaches girls a bad lesson, it is never ok to step on two balls that are close together and hit them with a mallet to see if one will go really far. Ya try not to think about this one :)
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Honesty is the best policy
Honesty is the best policy; Policy subject to change without notice.
Tex-Mex should be changed to: sorry about that whole Alamo thing want some steak?
Politicians should have a 10% pay cut for every lie they tell while campaigning and a 5% for each lie told in office. The proceeds will go to balancing the budget all constituents found to be below 0% will have all or their property and assets seized then will be summarily shot. Or at least that's whats behind the slogan I am running on in 2012. Honesty or death.
What came first the chicken cordon blue or the Omelet? This will decided the age old question of feathers or eggs.
And finally an internet safety tip in the form of this picture
Tex-Mex should be changed to: sorry about that whole Alamo thing want some steak?
Politicians should have a 10% pay cut for every lie they tell while campaigning and a 5% for each lie told in office. The proceeds will go to balancing the budget all constituents found to be below 0% will have all or their property and assets seized then will be summarily shot. Or at least that's whats behind the slogan I am running on in 2012. Honesty or death.
What came first the chicken cordon blue or the Omelet? This will decided the age old question of feathers or eggs.
And finally an internet safety tip in the form of this picture
Monday, March 30, 2009
Dear Korean boy
Dear 12 year old Korean boy,
Although I appreciate it when you respond to my online dating profile posing as a hot girl. Please stop sending the same message it makes me think the hot girl is insane. Also when asking questions be more subtle don't just blurt out what is your mothers maiden name or what was your first girlfriends name then immediately go into if you had to choose a password what would it be. The pictures you send while I would like to believe that you are in fact a super model it might be a good idea not to use actual super model pictures. And if you do decide to send me a Victoria's secret picture and say that it is you, you should at least try and use the same model in all the pictures. I know that you are trying to get my social security number and if you could spell social security it might just help you out. So my tiny Korean friend keep trying because even if you where just trying to steal my credit card number at least you responded.
Although I appreciate it when you respond to my online dating profile posing as a hot girl. Please stop sending the same message it makes me think the hot girl is insane. Also when asking questions be more subtle don't just blurt out what is your mothers maiden name or what was your first girlfriends name then immediately go into if you had to choose a password what would it be. The pictures you send while I would like to believe that you are in fact a super model it might be a good idea not to use actual super model pictures. And if you do decide to send me a Victoria's secret picture and say that it is you, you should at least try and use the same model in all the pictures. I know that you are trying to get my social security number and if you could spell social security it might just help you out. So my tiny Korean friend keep trying because even if you where just trying to steal my credit card number at least you responded.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Syden Insomniacs product development
I have decided to make an air freshener that smells like buttered toast and hot coco. I will be a millionaire by Christmas.
My recent line of computer mice that where made from actual mice has made P.E.T.A file an injunction against me. I don't know what their problem is I used the dead mice that had been used in lab testing. Besides the occasional extra ear they made for a fantastic feeling mouse. Especially the ones that where test subjects for shampoo companies man those things where soft and shiny.
Due to the recent economic downturn my heated cheese graters for instant nacho's line will have to be put on hold. Also the rumors of second and third degree burns from the product have been widely exaggerated. It has a tiny warning sticker right on it that reads may exceed temperatures not meant to be seen in nature. What? I like really hot nachos.
My pharmaceutical line is working well the pill that stops spontaneous combustion for paranoid consumers has a 99% success rate (man that one guy in Oklahoma really threw my numbers off).
Also my idea to combine weight loss pills with antidepressants that taste like chocolate and freshen breath have only reported a 7% mortality rate. Which we all know is a dramatic improvement from last year.
And finally my idea to make people staying at half way houses into a mindless force of warriors to conquer my competition has not gone as planned. Luckily tho we armed them and gave them confidence and firepower they are hooked on my old line of Chocolate flavored antidepressants so the problem will work itself out eventually.
My recent line of computer mice that where made from actual mice has made P.E.T.A file an injunction against me. I don't know what their problem is I used the dead mice that had been used in lab testing. Besides the occasional extra ear they made for a fantastic feeling mouse. Especially the ones that where test subjects for shampoo companies man those things where soft and shiny.
Due to the recent economic downturn my heated cheese graters for instant nacho's line will have to be put on hold. Also the rumors of second and third degree burns from the product have been widely exaggerated. It has a tiny warning sticker right on it that reads may exceed temperatures not meant to be seen in nature. What? I like really hot nachos.
My pharmaceutical line is working well the pill that stops spontaneous combustion for paranoid consumers has a 99% success rate (man that one guy in Oklahoma really threw my numbers off).
Also my idea to combine weight loss pills with antidepressants that taste like chocolate and freshen breath have only reported a 7% mortality rate. Which we all know is a dramatic improvement from last year.
And finally my idea to make people staying at half way houses into a mindless force of warriors to conquer my competition has not gone as planned. Luckily tho we armed them and gave them confidence and firepower they are hooked on my old line of Chocolate flavored antidepressants so the problem will work itself out eventually.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Everything I need to know about social graces I learned in the elevator
After the age of eight it is almost never ok to push all the buttons to see them light up. Unless you see that a pretty girl is about to get on and you need more time to stare at her awkwardly trying to think of something cleaver to say and all that pops out is uh it wasn't me who pushed those.
Never stare directly at a pretty girl without blinking. Just because you won that staring contest that one time does not make it a marketable skill.
Never fart on an elevator the next person to get on will be your boss, a pretty girl, or it will be so horrible in the confined space that you will be clawing at the doors like a drowning victim gasping for air.
Never under any circumstances push the emergency stop button unlike the movies this will probably get you confined to the elevator for most of your morning. And just in case you where desperate and pushed the button to get even more time to strike up a conversation with that pretty girl remember this. A fireman will be the one coming to get you out. A strapping bulky fireman with arms like tree trunks with eyes the color of the sea after a storm. Why all firemen have those eyes I don't know something to do with smoke inhalation. And the first question he will ask is how stupid are you to push that button. The girl will laugh and it will all be over.
You know what screw it I'm taking the stairs.
Never stare directly at a pretty girl without blinking. Just because you won that staring contest that one time does not make it a marketable skill.
Never fart on an elevator the next person to get on will be your boss, a pretty girl, or it will be so horrible in the confined space that you will be clawing at the doors like a drowning victim gasping for air.
Never under any circumstances push the emergency stop button unlike the movies this will probably get you confined to the elevator for most of your morning. And just in case you where desperate and pushed the button to get even more time to strike up a conversation with that pretty girl remember this. A fireman will be the one coming to get you out. A strapping bulky fireman with arms like tree trunks with eyes the color of the sea after a storm. Why all firemen have those eyes I don't know something to do with smoke inhalation. And the first question he will ask is how stupid are you to push that button. The girl will laugh and it will all be over.
You know what screw it I'm taking the stairs.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Super random thoughts
Do you think cookie monster ever gets a fig newton in the mix and just freaks out?
Do Canadians get as mad as I do when they find an American quarter mixed in with their change while standing at vending machine and craving chocolaty goodness?
I think I might have post traumatic boredom disorder from last weekend. Seriously I am still shaken up about how bored I got.
Your not rock bottom when you attempt to commit suicide you are at rock bottom when you fail. I mean seriously can't you do anything right? (I didn't think I could feel bad about my random thoughts until just now)
Do you think that maybe the Germans didn't mean it during world war one and it was just a truth or dare game that got admittedly out of hand? Of course the world war two rematch was completely inappropriate.
I think bigfoot may have shaved himself and is currently passing him self off as a southerner with down syndrome. How else can you explain it.
Do Canadians get as mad as I do when they find an American quarter mixed in with their change while standing at vending machine and craving chocolaty goodness?
I think I might have post traumatic boredom disorder from last weekend. Seriously I am still shaken up about how bored I got.
Your not rock bottom when you attempt to commit suicide you are at rock bottom when you fail. I mean seriously can't you do anything right? (I didn't think I could feel bad about my random thoughts until just now)
Do you think that maybe the Germans didn't mean it during world war one and it was just a truth or dare game that got admittedly out of hand? Of course the world war two rematch was completely inappropriate.
I think bigfoot may have shaved himself and is currently passing him self off as a southerner with down syndrome. How else can you explain it.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Feeling lazy
Whenever I feel down I look at this picture and laugh and laugh until I cry. Then I miss Billy the best pony in the world.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Even randomer thoughts
The oldest profession in the known world is complaining; at least I have job security.
Goose feather pillows are supposed to be the softest but I find that mine starts to stink after a few days and I have to get a new goose; not really worth the effort.
If I where a T.V. producer I would do a reality show about how I go around and kill people who produce reality shows; although the final episode is kind of predictable.
People who play World of Warcraft or WoW surpassed the 11.5 million mark last year; Soon phase two of our nerdy plan to take over the world starts it involves tricking girls into liking us based on our video game prowess (we haven't worked out all the kinks yet).
This year for Easter I think I am going to hide my eggs in my neighbors yard. You know just to add to their sense of child like wonder; Also they are vegans and it is funny to see how grossed out they get at pretty colored eggs.
Goose feather pillows are supposed to be the softest but I find that mine starts to stink after a few days and I have to get a new goose; not really worth the effort.
If I where a T.V. producer I would do a reality show about how I go around and kill people who produce reality shows; although the final episode is kind of predictable.
People who play World of Warcraft or WoW surpassed the 11.5 million mark last year; Soon phase two of our nerdy plan to take over the world starts it involves tricking girls into liking us based on our video game prowess (we haven't worked out all the kinks yet).
This year for Easter I think I am going to hide my eggs in my neighbors yard. You know just to add to their sense of child like wonder; Also they are vegans and it is funny to see how grossed out they get at pretty colored eggs.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Im back
Ok after two drug addled weeks in excruciating pain I am back and will now share with you what I have learned.
When they pull a shunt out of your 'man hole' you are fully conscious they apply a local anesthesia which they jam down said 'man hole' in a tube there is no pain killer for the pain killer that they jam 4 inches down your penis. My Doctor let me know that there are a lucky few people that the anesthesia doesn't work and they can feel the entire procedure. How did I get so lucky. So after he went spelunking with his giant scope and I was lying on the cold table making sounds not unlike a whale giving birth. He used the claw attachment to pull out the shunt. Shunt sounds like such a nice word it sounds small and soothing. This is wrong. My shunt was just over a foot long and I could feel it pulling out of my kidney and sort of expected it to make the sucking sound like a plunger in a sink. Passed the prostate and out the 'man hole' it only took 15 minutes but it felt like sitting through a rendition pride and prejudice as read by a half illiterate who stutters. So now I'm back and will do my best to not let this experience get me to jaded. Actually I think I was already at the jaded maximum setting. Side note the qualifications for being a urologist are as follows: Likes to cause pain, has warm hands, no problem looking at another mans junk all day, horrible sense of humor (my urologist has one of those rock walls in his waiting room that has the water flowing down it. I know that sounds soothing but when you are surrounded by people who are in pain whenever they pee it is just cruel and unusual punishment), also you must hire at least one attractive assistant who no male patient can think about safely while in an exam room.
When they pull a shunt out of your 'man hole' you are fully conscious they apply a local anesthesia which they jam down said 'man hole' in a tube there is no pain killer for the pain killer that they jam 4 inches down your penis. My Doctor let me know that there are a lucky few people that the anesthesia doesn't work and they can feel the entire procedure. How did I get so lucky. So after he went spelunking with his giant scope and I was lying on the cold table making sounds not unlike a whale giving birth. He used the claw attachment to pull out the shunt. Shunt sounds like such a nice word it sounds small and soothing. This is wrong. My shunt was just over a foot long and I could feel it pulling out of my kidney and sort of expected it to make the sucking sound like a plunger in a sink. Passed the prostate and out the 'man hole' it only took 15 minutes but it felt like sitting through a rendition pride and prejudice as read by a half illiterate who stutters. So now I'm back and will do my best to not let this experience get me to jaded. Actually I think I was already at the jaded maximum setting. Side note the qualifications for being a urologist are as follows: Likes to cause pain, has warm hands, no problem looking at another mans junk all day, horrible sense of humor (my urologist has one of those rock walls in his waiting room that has the water flowing down it. I know that sounds soothing but when you are surrounded by people who are in pain whenever they pee it is just cruel and unusual punishment), also you must hire at least one attractive assistant who no male patient can think about safely while in an exam room.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
This Just in Wing Commander Still Sucks
So I remember years ago before the genera of video games to movies was still somewhat unexplored a group of friends and I went to see the highly anticipated Wing Commander. It was laughable at best in fact I do recall we laughed quite a bit. Someone suggested to me that the movie would only be good if you where on drugs. As luck would have it my recent bout with kidney stones let me test this theory. And guess what even on heavy pain killers Wing Commander still sucks. But not to waste the experience I decided to test some other things. The enhanced Star Wars when Han Solo talks to Jaba the Hut in the Hanger it still looks as though he is made of a combination of pudding and poo but I did giggle a little more on drugs. Veggie Tales the Movie was down right hysterical on drugs. Ultra Violet on drugs made a lot more sense. And finally 'Indiana Jones and the Mysterious bout with aliens that are made of magnetic crystal' still felt like George Lucas and Steven Spielberg took it in turns to take Harrison Ford from behind. At least that's what it felt like yes even on drugs. So I hope that clears some things up drugs just can't make some movies better yes they where that bad.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Kidney Stones and you
So I had kidney stones this week, bad enough that they had to operate. Little know fact: once in a great while they have to go in through the "man hole" to get to the gigantic stones. Now while I was on morphine that's right they gave me morphine like the soldier in Saving Private Ryan right before he died. Now while I was in this state of liquid relief these are some of the conversations I had. While sitting in the recovery room I asked a pretty nurse out on a date. When she said; "no I am sorry I'm married" I replied; it probably wouldn't have worked out anyways I have a tube in my penis.
While waiting for the surgeon to arrive I asked if they where going to shave my nether regions. When they said no I asked in a disappointed voice if they would at least buy me breakfast when it was all over and tell me that they loved me.
When I arrived at the hospital emergency room the nurse and I got chatting and she asked me how was my weekend. I replied it was awesome and was thinking of converting to masochism because the pain was just so much fun. She stared blankly for a minute then left uncomfortably.
After failing to find the vein after 7 tries and bruising my arm horribly. Every time the nurse started by saying "slight pinch" about a half an hour later after I finally had some medication in me the nurse asked me how my pain was I replied it pinches slightly then glared at her. I actually got a laugh out of the doctor at that one.
Ok I am still pretty loopy so that's all for now sorry about the hiatus loyal readers. At least I found out that after two weeks of agonizing pain that going to the emergency room wasn't a complete waist of time. So that's good news at least.
While waiting for the surgeon to arrive I asked if they where going to shave my nether regions. When they said no I asked in a disappointed voice if they would at least buy me breakfast when it was all over and tell me that they loved me.
When I arrived at the hospital emergency room the nurse and I got chatting and she asked me how was my weekend. I replied it was awesome and was thinking of converting to masochism because the pain was just so much fun. She stared blankly for a minute then left uncomfortably.
After failing to find the vein after 7 tries and bruising my arm horribly. Every time the nurse started by saying "slight pinch" about a half an hour later after I finally had some medication in me the nurse asked me how my pain was I replied it pinches slightly then glared at her. I actually got a laugh out of the doctor at that one.
Ok I am still pretty loopy so that's all for now sorry about the hiatus loyal readers. At least I found out that after two weeks of agonizing pain that going to the emergency room wasn't a complete waist of time. So that's good news at least.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Hiatus
Work is super busy so I am taking a Hiatus from blog posting for a while.
If You have thoughts you'd like to see for future posts please leave a comment.
If You have thoughts you'd like to see for future posts please leave a comment.
Friday, February 20, 2009
The Very modle of a modern Major Techie guy
In my mind it is set to the The Pirates of Penzance Major General song.
I am the very model of a modern major techie guy
I work on computers all day and night trying to make them not die
I know the codes of sql, java, php, and the language of the internet.
Which makes my humor sometimes socially inept
And when I ROFL on the floor at something that I have just seen
I log on to Facebook, mail, and my blog, to link the screen
I am a geek so proudly and hope that you would join our ranks
Otherwise we’ll mock you Noob hold on a sec I have to tank
So what I am saying might sound somewhat weird to you
But I love my geekdom it’s not just a job I have to do
I logic out the problems that would probably make your head explode
And yes restart your computer and your outlook will surely load
Now I have to code a while to make something that you did alright
Don’t worry ‘bout the overtime I don’t really sleep at night
As long as managers continue to act this way I know I’m great
I’ll have job security for I have their mistakes on my plate
My schedules full for now and it won’t change anytime soon
Because I have all the passwords and that would spell their doom
It is so great to be a modern major techie guy
And if you piss me off I’ll hack the nukes and we all will die
So be nice to your IT they know your secretes in and out
We read your email listen to your calls so please have no doubt
We could destroy you but we choose to sit quietly
We need these paychecks to pay the WOW subscription fees
So have no fear your safe from all us modern major techie guys
As long as you leave us alone we’ll promises to make it look like we try.
I am the very model of a modern major techie guy
I work on computers all day and night trying to make them not die
I know the codes of sql, java, php, and the language of the internet.
Which makes my humor sometimes socially inept
And when I ROFL on the floor at something that I have just seen
I log on to Facebook, mail, and my blog, to link the screen
I am a geek so proudly and hope that you would join our ranks
Otherwise we’ll mock you Noob hold on a sec I have to tank
So what I am saying might sound somewhat weird to you
But I love my geekdom it’s not just a job I have to do
I logic out the problems that would probably make your head explode
And yes restart your computer and your outlook will surely load
Now I have to code a while to make something that you did alright
Don’t worry ‘bout the overtime I don’t really sleep at night
As long as managers continue to act this way I know I’m great
I’ll have job security for I have their mistakes on my plate
My schedules full for now and it won’t change anytime soon
Because I have all the passwords and that would spell their doom
It is so great to be a modern major techie guy
And if you piss me off I’ll hack the nukes and we all will die
So be nice to your IT they know your secretes in and out
We read your email listen to your calls so please have no doubt
We could destroy you but we choose to sit quietly
We need these paychecks to pay the WOW subscription fees
So have no fear your safe from all us modern major techie guys
As long as you leave us alone we’ll promises to make it look like we try.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I am sorry I killed your cat, so what are you doing later?
If you fall down the stairs but on a fast moving escalator would you just keep falling forever?
If Ducklings are baby ducks then I don't think I am going to eat dumplings anymore.
You park on a driveway and drive on a parkway what I guess I am trying to say in a roundabout way is that I am sorry I killed your cat. I found out later that this was not an appropriate time to ask her out on a date.
I thought that clowns where supposed to be cheerful fun loving people they seemed pretty somber at my Fiances Dads funeral (see Questions Every Man has to ask himself Feb 17. I don't know maybe they where still mad at me for pretending to push them off the curb at the wake and laughing.
Ever get set up on a blind date and find out that she is a saleswoman named Mindy? The night was going fine till I called her Steve. (see Phun on the Fone Feb 18)
If Ducklings are baby ducks then I don't think I am going to eat dumplings anymore.
You park on a driveway and drive on a parkway what I guess I am trying to say in a roundabout way is that I am sorry I killed your cat. I found out later that this was not an appropriate time to ask her out on a date.
I thought that clowns where supposed to be cheerful fun loving people they seemed pretty somber at my Fiances Dads funeral (see Questions Every Man has to ask himself Feb 17. I don't know maybe they where still mad at me for pretending to push them off the curb at the wake and laughing.
Ever get set up on a blind date and find out that she is a saleswoman named Mindy? The night was going fine till I called her Steve. (see Phun on the Fone Feb 18)
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Phun on the Fone
As the IT Manager at my job I often get solicited by all kinds of sales people cold calling and trying to sell me something. This is one of those conversations.
Saleswoman Mindy: Hello is this Syden
Syden: Yes.... Who is this?
Saleswoman Mindy: Hi my name is Mindy and I have an exciting offer for you from somecrapywebsite.com. Let me ask you do you do all the purchasing for your company?
(A bit of back story now this is the sixth call I have received from this company and they all use the same script my previous attempts to get on their do not call list have all failed. So this time I was prepared.)
Syden: Why yes I do Steve and I would love to find some kind of helpful website to aid me in my decision making process.
Saleswoman Mindy: Great and my name was Mindy by the way, we can help you with all of your needs the services...
Syden: Wait did you say your name was Mindy Steve? That seems like a strange name when did you have it changed?
Saleswoman Mindy:*completely thrown off by the interruption* What no my name is Just Mindy not Mindy Steve.
Syden: Oh I am sorry I thought you said Steve hey do you guys sell car insurance too?
Saleswoman Mindy: Wait what?.... No we just sell computer parts... in fact we have some great offers right now.
Syden: Hmm do you know anyone who does sell car insurance because I am looking to save some money?
Saleswoman Mindy: No I'm sorry I don't we just sell computer parts and help you make the best purchase decisions for your company.
Syden: Oh I'm sorry Jessica that was a dumb question. Could you help me decide what to put into say a server?
Saleswoman Mindy: *Pauses for a minute* Yes we could do just that.
Syden: What, oh I wasn't talking to you sorry Jessica just came into my office. Sorry that was rude of me please continue.
Saleswoman Mindy: Oh well I could help you make those kinds of decisions about servers and work stations.
Syden: Really that would be great what do you think about a server that could like transform into something else?
Saleswoman Mindy: What? Like a transformer....no we don't do that if you would like to look at our website it has..
Syden: How about a keyboard that typed for me? I get tired of typing but I hate voice recognition software because it just tells on me.
Saleswoman Mindy: *Long Pause* Did you say that you where the IT Manager for your entire company?
Syden You know I just can't get over how much you sound like a Steve have you ever thought of cutting your hair and changing your name?
Saleswoman Mindy: Um sir I'm not sure we can help you with what you need.
Syden: Do you guys sell medication of any kind?
Saleswoman Mindy: What um no just computer parts.
Syden: Hmm that's not what Steve said.
Saleswoman Mindy: What who is this Steve?
Syden: Hey do you like parrots? Not as birds but to eat? I know this great place Mandy and we could talk shop over parrot. I get the beak though it is kind of a tradition.
Saleswoman Mindy: Uh....Uh... I don't think we can help you today thank you for your time.
Syden: Hold on Mindy... you still there?
Saleswoman Mindy: Look sir if you are just going to waste my time.
Syden: Oh I am so sorry I hate it when people call me and waste my time don't you Mandy? *click* Mindy? Steve? Huh she must have hung up.
Saleswoman Mindy: Hello is this Syden
Syden: Yes.... Who is this?
Saleswoman Mindy: Hi my name is Mindy and I have an exciting offer for you from somecrapywebsite.com. Let me ask you do you do all the purchasing for your company?
(A bit of back story now this is the sixth call I have received from this company and they all use the same script my previous attempts to get on their do not call list have all failed. So this time I was prepared.)
Syden: Why yes I do Steve and I would love to find some kind of helpful website to aid me in my decision making process.
Saleswoman Mindy: Great and my name was Mindy by the way, we can help you with all of your needs the services...
Syden: Wait did you say your name was Mindy Steve? That seems like a strange name when did you have it changed?
Saleswoman Mindy:*completely thrown off by the interruption* What no my name is Just Mindy not Mindy Steve.
Syden: Oh I am sorry I thought you said Steve hey do you guys sell car insurance too?
Saleswoman Mindy: Wait what?.... No we just sell computer parts... in fact we have some great offers right now.
Syden: Hmm do you know anyone who does sell car insurance because I am looking to save some money?
Saleswoman Mindy: No I'm sorry I don't we just sell computer parts and help you make the best purchase decisions for your company.
Syden: Oh I'm sorry Jessica that was a dumb question. Could you help me decide what to put into say a server?
Saleswoman Mindy: *Pauses for a minute* Yes we could do just that.
Syden: What, oh I wasn't talking to you sorry Jessica just came into my office. Sorry that was rude of me please continue.
Saleswoman Mindy: Oh well I could help you make those kinds of decisions about servers and work stations.
Syden: Really that would be great what do you think about a server that could like transform into something else?
Saleswoman Mindy: What? Like a transformer....no we don't do that if you would like to look at our website it has..
Syden: How about a keyboard that typed for me? I get tired of typing but I hate voice recognition software because it just tells on me.
Saleswoman Mindy: *Long Pause* Did you say that you where the IT Manager for your entire company?
Syden You know I just can't get over how much you sound like a Steve have you ever thought of cutting your hair and changing your name?
Saleswoman Mindy: Um sir I'm not sure we can help you with what you need.
Syden: Do you guys sell medication of any kind?
Saleswoman Mindy: What um no just computer parts.
Syden: Hmm that's not what Steve said.
Saleswoman Mindy: What who is this Steve?
Syden: Hey do you like parrots? Not as birds but to eat? I know this great place Mandy and we could talk shop over parrot. I get the beak though it is kind of a tradition.
Saleswoman Mindy: Uh....Uh... I don't think we can help you today thank you for your time.
Syden: Hold on Mindy... you still there?
Saleswoman Mindy: Look sir if you are just going to waste my time.
Syden: Oh I am so sorry I hate it when people call me and waste my time don't you Mandy? *click* Mindy? Steve? Huh she must have hung up.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Questions every man has to ask himself
Ever come to the realization that the guy you just killed probably wasn't a highlander and you will probably have to answer for yet another decapitation?
The clown asked me what he could do to make me laugh officer. It's not my fault I think that a clown getting hit by a car is funny. Also he was standing awfully close to the curb so really are the handcuffs so necessary? Man his big red shoes flew so far! Why aren't you laughing, he died doing what he loved? Oh I see your mad because I made you hit a clown with your squad car aren't you?
When not to ask: Will you marry me? Stop crying I'm sure you're dad is in a better place right now. Also it was that cop who technically hit him with his car not me. So how about it?
I know that you will be tempted to walk up to Bigfoot and see if he truly is the gentle giant of the forest. But ask yourself isn't that just a grizzly bear? And why am I covered in honey?
Remember when you got abducted over spring break and that alien probed you again, and again, and again, and again, and again, then made you slow dance to lady in red? I'm sorry that was a joke that admittedly went to far. But in my defense the midget we got to dress up like an alien was really into you. So do you forgive me?
The clown asked me what he could do to make me laugh officer. It's not my fault I think that a clown getting hit by a car is funny. Also he was standing awfully close to the curb so really are the handcuffs so necessary? Man his big red shoes flew so far! Why aren't you laughing, he died doing what he loved? Oh I see your mad because I made you hit a clown with your squad car aren't you?
When not to ask: Will you marry me? Stop crying I'm sure you're dad is in a better place right now. Also it was that cop who technically hit him with his car not me. So how about it?
I know that you will be tempted to walk up to Bigfoot and see if he truly is the gentle giant of the forest. But ask yourself isn't that just a grizzly bear? And why am I covered in honey?
Remember when you got abducted over spring break and that alien probed you again, and again, and again, and again, and again, then made you slow dance to lady in red? I'm sorry that was a joke that admittedly went to far. But in my defense the midget we got to dress up like an alien was really into you. So do you forgive me?
Monday, February 16, 2009
Rules for IT headaches
1. There will always be a bigger idiot
2. Each day that nothing goes wrong only makes the day when it all goes wrong worse.
3. so called 'drop tested' laptops might as well be made of glass.
4. If it is possible to break something they will find a way
5. Seriously how did you mange to break that (see number 4)
6. Water proof does not apply to barbeque sauce
7. Never underestimate the power of stupidity in large groups.
8. Management has nothing to do other than to make you pay for knowing more than they do.
9. Buying a Mac will not make your iphone, itunes, or youtube, work any better than a PC especially if you have never used one.
10. Yelling Please God make it stop almost never helps.
11. They are all out to get you hide as long as you can.
12. Just because it doesn't work for you does not mean that it doesn't work.
13. Telling someone to restart there computer is pointless, they will always lie to you they will never restart, when asked they will always answer I did that like 10 times already.
14. I don't know if you can hate someone to death but I think I am close to a break through (you know who you are).
15 Just because your computer started acting funny when you used the phone to call Aunt Sally but only on Tuesdays does not mean there is a correlation to why your youtube video won't load. Thank you for your input, now sit quietly while I try to stop the voice in my head that is telling me to maim you.
16. Why do I hate you, you ask? It might be because I have been here for two days after you sent the entire company a virus via forwarding porn when you accidentally hit send to all. It might be because you yelled at me this morning because your email wasn't working after you got our company on a blacklist for sending spam. But I am guessing it is because you stole my weekend you twit!
17. I hate you
18. No I really truly hate you
19. I get along with every kind of person from every walk of life but I still hate you.
20. When I sent you that email that said you are being monitored this is what I meant
2. Each day that nothing goes wrong only makes the day when it all goes wrong worse.
3. so called 'drop tested' laptops might as well be made of glass.
4. If it is possible to break something they will find a way
5. Seriously how did you mange to break that (see number 4)
6. Water proof does not apply to barbeque sauce
7. Never underestimate the power of stupidity in large groups.
8. Management has nothing to do other than to make you pay for knowing more than they do.
9. Buying a Mac will not make your iphone, itunes, or youtube, work any better than a PC especially if you have never used one.
10. Yelling Please God make it stop almost never helps.
11. They are all out to get you hide as long as you can.
12. Just because it doesn't work for you does not mean that it doesn't work.
13. Telling someone to restart there computer is pointless, they will always lie to you they will never restart, when asked they will always answer I did that like 10 times already.
14. I don't know if you can hate someone to death but I think I am close to a break through (you know who you are).
15 Just because your computer started acting funny when you used the phone to call Aunt Sally but only on Tuesdays does not mean there is a correlation to why your youtube video won't load. Thank you for your input, now sit quietly while I try to stop the voice in my head that is telling me to maim you.
16. Why do I hate you, you ask? It might be because I have been here for two days after you sent the entire company a virus via forwarding porn when you accidentally hit send to all. It might be because you yelled at me this morning because your email wasn't working after you got our company on a blacklist for sending spam. But I am guessing it is because you stole my weekend you twit!
17. I hate you
18. No I really truly hate you
19. I get along with every kind of person from every walk of life but I still hate you.
20. When I sent you that email that said you are being monitored this is what I meant
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Random Thoughts
Why is it considered weird when I put a maxy pad on my forehead and go running? They are super absorbent and make a soft headband. Goodbye sweat in my eyes, hello people pointing and staring at the gym.
When I swim I like to pretend I'm a shark it makes the experience more fun. Fun for me not the guy I was pretending was a seal.
People think that it's strange that I don't sleep at night. Not my roommate though he only thinks it's strange when he wakes up to find me sitting in the corner of his room rocking back in forth holding a knife and talking to myself. Nothing stirs up nostalgia like the memory of your first restraining order, I should look him up.
When I swim I like to pretend I'm a shark it makes the experience more fun. Fun for me not the guy I was pretending was a seal.
People think that it's strange that I don't sleep at night. Not my roommate though he only thinks it's strange when he wakes up to find me sitting in the corner of his room rocking back in forth holding a knife and talking to myself. Nothing stirs up nostalgia like the memory of your first restraining order, I should look him up.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
One more inch and he would have struck oil or blood
I am beginning to believe that my dentist missed his calling. As I was sitting in the dentist chair his hand in my mouth up to his elbow. The shrill sound of drill hitting bone and the acrid smell of burning tooth. I realized that maybe as a child this man wanted to be an oil farmer. Maybe he dreamed of wearing a cowboy hat and living in Texas, taking care of a big oil rig. This could be the only explanation for the amount of joy he seemed to gain from excavating my tiny cave like mouth. Him on a mission with his mighty drill. Me wondering if the shot he gave me would do anything for the pain or just make it look like I rode the short bus for the rest of the day. Just as he hit what must have been a central nerve cluster he pulled out all the childlike wonder fading from his eyes. Then proceeded to fill my mouth with something that tasted like a mix between black liquorish, hydrogen peroxide, and the souls of unwanted children. I had to wonder what path this poor white coated baby hater took in life that he would willingly get bitten on a daily basis. Then I got the bill and it all became amazingly clear.
Positive thinking
As I finished running 2 miles on the treadmill at the gym this morning, and felt what I thought was a bunched up sock in my shoe. I realized that a giant blister is like a cushion a horrid, miserable, messed up, agonizing cushion. And that girl running in front of me is like a princess, a sweaty scowling princess. And the men's shower is like a swamp full of fungus and naked old people, actually I don't have an analogy for that one. My positive thinking stops at old naked people.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Reasons I hate my job
I have tried desperately to become a caring IT guy I have tried to be patient I have tried to explain things as many times as needed so that people understand. But I now realize why IT guys are generally known as unhelpful, or jerks, or insane. It is because of all of you! We try to help you we show you that double clicking means clicking twice, we have tried to answer your insane questions like. My CD drive doesn't work sometimes when I am on facebook why is that? It might be because we hate you, or those two things might be totally unrelated. But just because your mind has jumped to the conclusion that when you are typing in Word and listening to music at the same time the internet doesn't look like the shade of blue it normally does. Does not mean that it's true or that I should care or that you want me to spend time trying to see why. I now hate all of you I tried to be nice but the gloves are off if I have to show you something for the twentieth time in four days I should get to hit you and hard. Maybe then some of these things will stick in that empty sponge you call a brain. Also I would like to thank you for the amazing amount of job security I have.
Friday, February 6, 2009
The reason I love my Job
This is an actual email I sent this morning to the head of the sales department. He has been bugging me about his email getting spam all week. I tried to explain that he in fact signed up for the emails that he was getting and it takes time after you unsubscribe for them to stop. Instead of listening he decided to start forwarding all of his spam mails to me. This was my response. (Names have been changed to protect.....well, me)
Regarding your spam,
Since I only unsubscribed you from their mailing list Monday and their disclaimer was to allow 2 weeks for changes to take effect please be patient during this trying time. If you would like I could log on to your account each morning and evening to make sure that these blights are never an eyesore on your computer screen again. The IT department sincerely apologizes for our transgression and we will have a department meeting post haste to brainstorm on ideas to make this transitional period more comfortable for you. If you would allow us this great boon of time to work on the problem we would forever be in your dept. From the greatest depths of my heart from the deepest recesses of my soul I apologize that a spam got through our obviously inferior defenses and assaulted you. If you could submit a drawing of where the spam touched you it would greatly help in our investigation. Or to say it in another way; be patient and the problem will work itself out. Your friend in the IT department,
Syden Insomniac
IT Manager
Regarding your spam,
Since I only unsubscribed you from their mailing list Monday and their disclaimer was to allow 2 weeks for changes to take effect please be patient during this trying time. If you would like I could log on to your account each morning and evening to make sure that these blights are never an eyesore on your computer screen again. The IT department sincerely apologizes for our transgression and we will have a department meeting post haste to brainstorm on ideas to make this transitional period more comfortable for you. If you would allow us this great boon of time to work on the problem we would forever be in your dept. From the greatest depths of my heart from the deepest recesses of my soul I apologize that a spam got through our obviously inferior defenses and assaulted you. If you could submit a drawing of where the spam touched you it would greatly help in our investigation. Or to say it in another way; be patient and the problem will work itself out. Your friend in the IT department,
Syden Insomniac
IT Manager
Act 25: Valentines Day
Valentines Day is a time of Love, a time for relationships, to snuggle up by a warm fire her in that little black dress while turtle doves coo their love song from the rafters. Well I have news for you: Turtle doves have sharp beaks, that dress you love so much is not fire resistant, and Valentines Day was invented by cracked out sycophants. Who else could come up with free love, candy hearts, and a naked flying baby with a bow and arrow? Someone tripping on a freak acid trip that’s who. Now I have spoken of these non shoe wearing social deviants before. Many of you know that I like to refer to this subculture as ‘damned dirty hippies.’ But all prejudice aside, setting all of my hate on the back burner. I say this with an unbiased opinion. Every hippie involved in the creation and propagation of this holiday must die. I refuse to bend over once again and take the chocolate coated, fluffy bunny, candy heart, anal probe that is Valentines Day. Enough is enough. I know that those little white candy hearts that say things like: be mine, maybe tonight, PETA 4EVR, down with the government, and kiss me, are just fossilized globs of Pepto-Bismol with white food coloring. It is the only way that you could handle the nausea of this touchy feely, chick flick strewn, diarrhea rhetoric, diabetes causing, holiday. I am a lone man calling you out Saint Valentine! I won’t stand this mother of all non holidays anymore. On a much unrelated side note I will be all alone this holiday eating my way through a solid chocolate heart the size of my head and thinking of all of the couples that I hate. But that in no way affects my opinion of the crap fest that is Valentines Day. Unless I find a date that is then disregard this post.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
In Terminator 5: Rise of the Muppet cyborgs
To me this should be a picture for the next terminator film. Half Woman, Half Cyborg, with a Muppet leg and wearing a mini skirt with her sidekick horse peering from a bomb shelter and planing what must be my annihilation. I mean why else would he be down there? This will most likely be the poster for the new movie Terminator 5 Rise of the Muppet Cyborgs (title and artwork still pending). The plot being that once that Skynet found out that John Connor was able to detect Terminators in Human form, liquid form, and somewhat liquid somewhat human form. They hatched a daring plan involving getting into Johns secret bunker by appealing to his masculine side by making a beautiful cyborg but also to his lost childhood by making her part Muppet. She obviously couldn't just fly a Skynet death glider into the bunker so they gave her a sinister horse named Mr. Dead (yes like Mr. Ed but dead) to ride in on. I think that it will be the best movie in the franchise since Terminator 1 and is rumored to have guest appearances by Grover and of course Animal (well at least his leg anyways). I can't wait for it to hit theaters.
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