An apology from the IT department

I would like to take a moment to apologize for some of my IT brethren out there sometimes we get a bit cross with you and I would like to explain some reasons why.

1. That time you spilled barbeque sauce on your laptop then tried to fix it with really absorbent dinner rolls I am sorry I yelled at you.
2. When you download enough porn on your work computer to make a trucker blush then got upset when a virus rampaged through your computer. I was having a bad day and got cross with you that was my fault sorry.
3. I understand that your computer only seems to do this when your aunt May from Kentucky calls but that really has nothing to do with the problem.
4. Just because it doesn't work for you does not mean that the world is having this problem too.
5. Remember that time I asked what the problem was and you went on for an hour and a half about how your life is falling apart and this computer thing is the last straw. That was my fault I should have been more clear. What I meant to ask was what is the problem you called me from my office to help you fix with this computer and no others and only that problem?
6. I didn't make want to make you feel stupid when I talked to you like a third grader who just wet his pants. I just assumed that because I had told you every two days for the past year how to do this that I needed a new approach to teaching, that was my bad next time I'll try treats.
7. I know that you thought your computer needed to cool down so you put ice cubes on top of it. That was very thoughtful but now it is smoking and I need to look at it.
8. That thing I got mad at you for I will try and explain you see it is a CD tray and is only for putting CD's into. So when you use it as a drink holder I get a bit tiffed. I know you don't use that many CD's but still this is why they don't work anymore.
9. I realize that when your YouTube video isn't working that is frustrating but that doesn't mean that the internet is not working when everything else is still fine but I guess I could call them and ask them what happened to the video of the monkey baby falling asleep. It's not like I do anything anyways so I will put all of that stuff aside and call the Youtube guy right now give me a few hours to work on that.
10. When I said try restarting your computer and you told me you already did that like 10 times and then I restarted it and it worked, I am so sorry about that.
11. When I said I hate you! Then tried to stab you with a pen, don't take offense. I just didn't like it when you got our email server blackballed as a spam server for sending that "very funny email" to everyone you know and all of their friends 40 times because it was just that funny. And then I had to spend 4 days fixing the problem while everyone else in the office including you yelled at me because email wasn't working, for that I am sorry. Also good news you might get back the privileged to send emails again very soon.
12. When you said your computer wasn't working and wouldn't tell me what wasn't working and worked on it all day and then I got frustrated. I should have known that solitaire game options had changed it is my problem I should have been more aware and I am sorry.
13. When you tried to move your computer by yourself because 'it didn't look good under that desk' then you destroyed all of the USB ports on the back by not unplugging anything. And I tried to cut your brake line 'to see how you liked it' that was wrong I apologize. Also I am sorry that none of your USB ports are not working I will get right on that.
14. When you called me racist because I gave you a white keyboard and I stared at you until you cried I am sorry I will look into getting you a black one or whatever ethnicity of keyboard you are comfortable with.
15. Each time I pass you now and scowl with burning eyes of hate for all the unnecessary things you have made me do over the years I am sorry you are my boss and I should show a little more respect. Whats that you did what to your motherboard?

P.S. I hate you

White mice

I have noticed something strange. Moisturizer, vitamins, Aspartame, sunlight, gene therapy, coke, diet coke, sugar, fun, cheese, and bicycle pump grease has been know to cause cancer in little white mice. Has anyone paused to think that maybe cancer is just prone to white mice. I suggest that from now on we use brown ones instead.

I am tired of calling them all side acts: 14

Despondence
There is a point in everyone's life that they get emotionally fatigued. This can be for any number of reasons or no reason at all. The lights are too bright the sounds are too loud and those around you are just too stupid. For what ever reason you get to the breaking point and have to do something to unwind and start over. Now lets talk about physical fatigue. When you don't sleep well a few nights in a row (or months or years in some of our cases) then have strenuous activities you must attend to when you bring your body to the breaking point until it screams that it can take this abuse no more and shuts down. Back to that in a moment. Stress related fatigue is a mix between the first two there is so much weighing down on you that eventually you want to scream but you are too tired from listening to illogical people make terrible decisions and are left holding the bag when all is said and done. Now to the point: Once in a while these three fatigues hit you all at once Emotional, physical, and stress in a perfect stress storm which I am calling superfantasticdraino pronounced super-fantastic-drain-o the 'o' at the end should make the sound of a robot powering down, like OOOooo lower and lower until it sort of fades out into nothing. Why super fantastic you ask well that's because in this state of utter uncaring everything becomes crystal clear the crap you have to wade through day in and day out dissolves into nothing and all that is left to you is either your pillow or the arduous climb up the clock tower with a sniper rifle. Luckily my sniper rifle was at the cleaners so I opted for the pillow. This state can cause career changes, divorces, and great late night comedy. It is the sole reason for the sporks invention and why so many people are on Prozac. So next time you feel everything coming together in one giant pile of despondency amplified by not sleeping and the urge to kill your coworkers. I urge you to sigh turn off the lights and laugh until you cry and really enjoy your superfantasicdraino. Note long periods of superfantasticdraino can cause death and insanity for more information on superfantasticdraino visit your local doctor. Superfantasticdraino is not for everyone consult your physician before trying to reach a period of superfantasicdraino. Superfantasticdraino is not meant to treat or diagnose any illness and is in fact a made up word.

Side act 14: The things I live by

If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all… unless it’s really funny

Sleep is for quitters.

The difference between genius and insanity is success…success and an imaginary shaved pet monkey named mojo.

Asteroids and hemorrhoids should have their names switched.

If you always do what you have done then you will always get the same result. Unless you are having a computer problem then try restarting and call me back.

Whenever God closes a door he opens a window. This is probably why my heating bill is so high.

Side Act 13: Future Plans

When the zombie uprising finally happens I have a plan and I will be ready. Unless I am still human that is. Mmmm brains.

If at first you don’t succeed try, try again. Unless it is really hard or boring or whatever, you know what just take a nap, think you can do that with out screwing it up genius?

Ever stare into the night sky at those millions of billions of stars and wonder if we are not alone? I don’t really care about the rest of the galaxy I just know that I am alone, so very alone.

Side Act 12: Historical facts and why I hate them

Christopher Columbus "discovered" America in 1492. That was the day he realized that this was not in fact India and that he was horribly, horribly lost.

We get a holiday when Martin Luther King talks about his dreams but when I do it they up my medication.

George Washington designed his soldiers uniforms and considered himself quite the tailor. His soldiers got the nickname "The Virginia Blues" for their matching outfits and he got his picture on the dollar bill. I suggest "no pants Friday" and they have meetings about me.

Chinese Emperor Shen-Nung introduced acupuncture in 2700 BC as a medical practice but stab one co-worker in the neck with a pencil and it's "harassment."

The first-known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 BC. I find that not bathing in regular intervals and having Cheeto colored fingers works just as effectively.

There are more statues of Sacajewa, Lewis & Clark's female Indian guide, in the United States than any other person. If that doesn't make up for stealing your land and selling your watered down whiskey then I don't know what will.

Side Act 11: Acronyms and me a touching story of of love and loss

Have you ever considered the following:

We use acronyms so often in our society that I wonder if you know what all of the following stand for.

CD: That's not my Mandy Moore CD I swear!
DVD: Pride and Prejudice should have a warning label on it's DVD
AIDS: He has AIDS and not the kind that fetch him coffee.
AFK: AFK have to kill roomate.
LOL: Seriously you don't know what lol is rofl
AC: Turn up the AC or the body will start to smell
ATM: I have never in good conscience robbed an ATM
ID: It is not a fake ID the ID is real my age however is quite fake.
PS. Sincerely, Syden Insomniac, P.S. I hate you.
SOS: Sending out an sos, sending out an sos Message in a bottle, ya
Laser: He shot a freaking laser out of his eyes!
Scuba: Sharks are friendly let me show you put on your scuba gear.
Radar: Cop got me with his radar gun.
DNA: Test my DNA to see if I am a monkey or at least adopted.
LED: If I position this LED light just right, yup you look like Satan.

Now for the definitions.
CD compact disc
DVD Digital Versatile Disc
AIDS Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome
AFK away from keyboard
LOL laugh out loud or Rofl roll on the floor laughing
AC air conditioning
ATM automated teller machine
ID identification
PS post script and pss post script script
SOS save our souls
Laser light amplification by the stimulated emission of radiation
Scuba Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Radar radio detection and ranging
DNA deoxyribonucleic acid
LED light-emitting diode

Don't feel bad I didn't know them all either

Side Act 10: Book Titles that didn't make it

Three day old chicken that may have been left out just a little too long for the soul.

Everything I need to know I learned in the Kindergarten bathroom.

Harry Potter and the chamber of really really scary things also Voldemort is in there.

Interview with the guy who thinks he's a Vampire but is really just senile and possibly diabetic by the way he keeps gumming that orange.

Steven Kings the lamp monster.

Revenge of the Sith. (we'll just cut out the middle man and make it a movie)

Papa Smurf the inside story.

Harry Potter and the prepubescent dream.

You are different and that's bad. (a children's book)

The Big book of Pop up anatomy

Daddy drinks because you cry

Clowns: The magical world of cannibalism and smiles

Side Act 9: Things that have failed to get me a girlfriend thus far

Driving past her and honking at 50 miles and hour. Seriously how did I think this was going to work? Unless she was an FBI agent, managed to track down my license plate number, and call me for a date because I had the courtesy to honk at her.

Staring at a girl until she gets uncomfortable and leaves the room. Side note: this is a great way to get a table in a crowded restaurant.

Being aloof I don't know if I am being aloof enough or being to aloof. Or even what aloof means but so far not working.

Covering myself in glitter and standing in the sun next to the twilight book stack at Barnes and Noble.

Going to 'I'll date anyone who asks anonymous' meetings. I hate it when therapy actually works.

For my next plan I am going to go to the zoo wearing a loin cloth and seemingly escape from the tiger pit into her waiting arms. This way she has no expectations because after all I was raised by tigers. I don't have to follow social norms, don't have to pretend to listen to her drone on and on because I have not yet mastered human speech, and for our anniversary I can bring her a dead bird. I know it sounds a bit complicated but when trying to give any other girl a dead bird in the past they get freaked out and wont call you back. And I honestly just don't know what to do with this perfectly good dead bird I found.

Side Act 8: Last request

Would it be considered cruel and unusual punishment to put an Amish person in the electric chair?

Why do they sterilize the needle before giving a lethal injection?

What exactly can a cannibal request as a last meal? Can it be another guy on death row?

Side Act 7: Food facts

Once jello is made it cannot go back to liquid form unless you put it in your mouth and swish vigorously.

If you liquefy gummy bears over a camp fire then drink from the scalding hot pan everything you eat for the next week will taste like gummy. After thought: when I did this I almost died.

Saving cream unlike whipped cream does not taste good on pie but will get the hair off if it falls on the floor. Also don't eat the pie it was on the floor and it has shaving cream on it.

Side Act 6: Commercialism

Is that fruity cereal actually magically delicious or is it just a cleaver marketing scheme? Because I don't see magic in the ingredients anywhere. Unless you count ground up smurf #5, wait I thought Gargamel was using them to make gold not cereal.

I don't think Gillet is in fact the best a man can get. My can left me for a hunky fireman. (For sensitive skin my ass.)

I think that they should make a caveman movie, based on the caveman show, that was based on the caveman commercial, that was based on a really lame saying. Ya I'd go see that I mean what could be better than a really, really, really long Geico commercial?

I don't want to alarm anyone but I checked the symptoms on Web M.D. and I think that the energizer bunny is in all actuality on crack. But hey as long as he keeps my stuff running and I don't have to bail him out of jail to often I guess it works out.

Side Act 5: Justifications for fattitude

Just remember kids when you have fat friends there are no seesaws only catapults.

One serving is when the spoon scrapes the bottom of any container.

Pop tarts make a great substitute for bread. Side note my strawberry tuna sandwich is not as good as it sounds.

Driving from garage to the mail box is ok as long as you are not wearing any pants.

The bigger you get the easier it is to float.

Get in shape well this just in, round is a shape. So is a rhombus but that's just unattractive.

Your food storage is portable. (even if you are not)

More of you to love. Much, much more so much you might overdose and die if I roll over in my sleep.

Scientifically speaking an object with more mass has more of gravitational field. So when your friends are setting you up on a blind date and she asks is he attractive? You can say yes, and have the laws of physics to back you up.

The 5 second rule for dropping food only applies if it is possible to bend over and pick it up in 5 seconds adjust accordingly to your size.

And finally....

Don't think of a clogged artery as a negative. Think of it as years of hard work.

Side Act 4: This just in ice is slippery

So if you ever feel so inclined to get up early and enact some new years resolution by taking a brisk walk in the wee morning hours know this. Ice it turns out is slippery, also as a side note my knee hurts.

Side Act 3: Creature of the night

Every now and then when I am trying unsuccessfully to sleep I creep around the house from shadow to shadow being as silently as I can be. I know it sounds crazy but if I am made a vampire anytime soon I'll have a leg up on the other new competition. Also if I spread glittery paint all over me do you think I could convince a really naive girl that I was a good vampire and get a date? I know your out there insane Twilight fans.

Side Act 2: Randomnimity

Do you think if you where on a super secret team who traveled to other worlds in order to obtain alien technology to defend against the threat of an ultimate evil, do you think you'd get hazard pay? Because if not I don't think I'd take the job. Unless they had a really good retirement plan or you know if there was a hot chick on the team with me.

Side Act 1: Random Thought

I think that if I ever develop multiple personality disorder and I am able to communicate with them. I will convince them that there is another personality that only I can hear. You know just to screw with them. Also if we ever evolve to the point where we can read each other minds I would like to apologize in advance for all of the people that I drive to insanity.

ACT 24: New years resolution

3 Score and last year I wrote a resolution to never make another new years resolution. I promptly broke that resolution with my next resolution which was not to eat another cookie. By the way I broke that resolution after finding out that we did indeed have more milk in the fridge. So this year I would like to complicate things a little less by making a resolution to break all new years resolutions within 4 days of new years. But the problem with that is that if my resolution is to break all resolutions I will not be able to complete my resolution to break all resolutions by breaking the aforementioned resolution. So who is with me so far? I lost my train of thought around cookie and just kept typing resolution as often as possible until I found it again. Really the purpose of this post is to punish those of you with hangovers from the night before. I set out to use the word resolution to give you the worst headache you have ever had, which should be working because I am very sober and I can feel a massive migraine forming behind my eyes. Why you ask? Because I hate people telling me that I need to make a resolution each year. So really my resolution is to make you pay for your resolution to make me make a resolution. Oh and just to make sure resolution, resolution, resolution, that’s right I hate you. In case you are wondering the word resolution appears 25 times. Happy New Year.

Act 23 How To Ruin The Holidays: Insomniac Style

I don’t sleep much. And the more I think about it the more I realize how far back it goes. So this is to share with you how I have ruined various holidays with my insomnia. Christmas: Now every child has had a Christmas where they had trouble falling asleep. The lights outside the window are bright and inviting and the excitement that has been building is almost palpable. Relatives are coming into town and the sugar high that you have been on for the past 48 hours doesn’t help. But when the sugar stops flowing and the threat that if you don’t go to sleep Santa will not come finally takes over and eventually the sugar plumb effect takes over and normal children drift off to peaceful slumber. On the other hand, as an insomniac, sugar only refuels the batteries you have in reserve and the thoughts that just won’t die make it all but impossible to dose off without a drink of water and two Nyquil chasers. So around 4 in the morning when it was pretty self evident that sleep would completely evade me I decided to get a glimpse at the fat man myself. I could hear the deep breathing of my two brothers I shared a room with and decided that the time was right. Ever so softly I crept from my bed hearing every sound I made amplified in the darkness. My first instinct was to just jump out at Santa but then I decided that that would probably put me on the top of the naughty list so I needed another plan. I knew that my parents sometimes checked on us to make sure that we were asleep and I figured if I could fool them then maybe Santa’s sixths sense for unruly tots might also be flawed. So I hatched a daring plan. Now the Christmas trees when I was a boy where massive. Towering in the corner of the living room across from the fire place, so I knew there would be enough light to see the elf slave master. But I needed to make sure that he didn’t see me. So I wrapped myself in wrapping paper for better camouflage worm crawled under the tree and strategically placed the few gifts that where already under the tree into a kind of box fortress from which I could peek out through the arrow slit like cracks. Then to make sure that I was covered I broke a branch off of the back of the tree with ornaments on it and put it on my back. That’s right, I was a 5 year old kid wrapped in tinsel and wrapping paper hiding under the recess of the Christmas tree with presents piled in front of me in the configuration of a castle wall with a heavy branch draped over my head and shoulders stabbing me mercilessly with those evergreen needles and dripping sap in my hair. It was a hiding place that Rambo himself would have been proud to call his own. This is how I found out that there was no Santa and silently wept under the tree as I saw my mom and dad eating the cookies we left out. Insomnia 1 Christmas 0. Let me fast forward you to Easter. I know that New Years is next but that is kind of the unofficial insomniac holiday so it is hard to ruin with not sleeping. Unless you count the fact that you didn’t sleep for the five days prior to the New Years and actually have trouble staying awake the one day a year it is socially acceptable to do so. Damn Insomnia 1 New Years 0. Ok so Easter I always had trouble sleeping because I was on the top bunk bed and the heater was positioned just above my face and not only was it extremely uncomfortable bellowing scorching air directly into my face but every time it turned on it woke me up and owing to my condition falling asleep is quite hard. So Easter, I get up when the heat kicked in at 3 in the morning and decided to get a head start on finding those ever elusive Easter eggs the bunny so aptly hides. So I sneak outside with a flash light looking for brightly colored hardboiled breakfast in the grass. But after looking for an hour I found nothing. Now I am skeptical mainly because I had found out the same year that Santa was in fact not real so I go inside the house and find the basket of Easter eggs sitting in the fridge not touched by fluffy bunny hands. I waited a few more minutes hoping maybe that the hoppity hider might suddenly appear but by this time it was 5 in the morning and I was growing weary that my childhood might be slipping away so I bucked up my courage and went to the only person I knew could reassure me; my Mom. I silently slipped into their room where they where fast asleep and gently roused her so not to wake my Dad. All that I wanted was for her to lie to me so that my fading innocents could be restored so I said, “ Mom the Easter bunny hasn’t come yet the eggs haven’t been hidden.” Now there is something that I didn’t know at this point about my Mother. That when woken from a state of deep sleep she is the most honest person you will ever meet, also she will not remember what she told you the next day. So this is how the conversation went down;
“Mom the Easter bunny didn’t come yet the eggs haven’t been hidden.”
“Oh I completely forgot. Would you do it for me?”
Sniff…..Sniff…”ok Mom” sniff….sniff…… Yes that was me holding back tears as my mom returned to peaceful dreams while I went outside in the early morning air and hid the eggs for my brothers and sisters so that they didn’t find out that the Easter bunny was in fact a lie. Insomnia 1 Easter 0. So for the final tally that is Insomnia 3 Holidays 0 Insomnia wins again. Actually lets give insomnia 1 more point because I wrote this at 4:30 in the morning and have to be ‘up’ in a half an hour for work as always insomnia wins again.

Act 22: Gingerbread, Gumdrops, and Assault Rifles

Santa Clause’s sleigh might be a little late this year. Satellite movements over his compound in the North Pole have recently uncovered a massive arms facility masquerading as a toy workshop. Santa, who started his career as a kind toy maker that only wanted to bring joy to the children of the world, quickly realized that there was no money in it for retirement. So going where the money led him he started dabbling in prototype weapons made from candy canes that fire gumdrops at astounding speeds leaving their target sticky and in need of a nap. The weapon was to be called ‘the sugar shocker’ but was quickly put off the production line because the market had just been flooded with the new IHOP ‘rooty tooty point and shooty assault rifle.’ Not to be stopped by his first failed attempt Santa began anew. He sought out new clients and started trade negotiations with the Leprechaun League Liberation front. They where a small organization but made up for it with literal buckets of gold. That’s when Santa put out one of his best sellers ‘The Christmas cheer’ side loaded shoulder mounted gingerbread bazooka. Upon being shot with this decorative, limited edition, individually numbered explosive, a target is filled with a warm sensation coupled with an urge to buy things at ridiculous prices and start singing off tune in the freezing cold. His profits soared and he was able to put more items on the black market such as the ‘chimney to chimney teleportation pad’, the ‘know when you are sleeping GPS tracker’, and ‘the Naughty list’ a virtual who’s who of people in the underside of society (and Jimmy who won't stop pulling Sally’s hair). Not to worry though. There is a raid planned on the facility in the North Pole for late December as it seems that he is gearing up for a big shipment. They aren’t worried about the fat man escaping since they captured one of his rein deer team and implanted him with a red glowing tracking device. The assault team is also looking into child labor laws being violated since it seems that everyone in the factory is less than 4 feet tall and it seems to be visited once a year by a band of misfit kids that are trying to save Christmas. So by the end of the month after the tear gas settles the world will be a safer place knowing that one of the oldest arms dealers is put safely away behind bars. Merry Christmas everyone.

ACT 21: Author and book review

I thought I would take a moment to give thanks to the many great authors who have helped my imagination and paved the way to become the deeply disturbed individual I am today (but in all seriousness these guys are great). So I give you the books I love and the authors who wrote them.

Enders Game, Enders Shadow, and Shadow of the Hegemon by Orson Scott Card. After Enders Game the whole thing went horribly wrong until his later stuff with the character Bean, but I must have read that first book 20 times.

The Sword of Truth series. It starts with Wizards First Rule and then goes on for eleven awesome books by Terry Goodkind. Avoid book 7, Pillars of Creation. No seriously, if you see it then burn it immediately and I promise you will thank me later. All you need to know is in the last 20 pages if you must read it. Otherwise it is more fun to bleed from every orifice than to love the series and get to this book. Great series can get a bit graphic at times (he has a knack of describing real life things, horrible things that happen to good people that I would rather pretend don’t happen). But all in all well worth your time until the end. Then it wraps up in a way that makes you feel like you got a sweater on Christmas that is two sizes too small and smells of cat pee but your grandma knitted it and you have to wear it all day. Also the sweater causes cancer. But I enjoyed it all the way until the last chapter. Then just sum it up yourself burning the last chapter and you will be much happier.

Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss, new author, (in the sense that he only has one book out right now) but he has probably been writing for many years. This book amazed me. It is part one of the King Killer series and the only drawback is that you will have to wait till 2009 for part two. If you like fantasy at all you should love this début unless you are strange or stupid or something then I hate you and you shouldn’t be reading my blog. No you are ok just keep it in line next time.

Now the hype is all done and you can say what you want but Harry Potter was a great series. J.K. Rowling did an amazing job at painting the world in a new light and hopefully opening the fantasy genera for generations to come. Great job with foreshadowing and intricate plot sub lines and characters that makes the second read through just as enjoyable as the first. If you never gave these a chance try them. They are a fun quick read that transcends generational gaps so that there is a little something for everyone.

Let’s talk about Robert Jordan for a moment and the Wheel of Time series. The first three books, albeit long winded in detail, (almost tolkien-ish) were enough to get you hooked on the characters and the underlining story. Now what the underlining story is I have no actual idea. No seriously, the books are so complex that I get the gist of what is going on and I really want to understand but after reading like 700,000 pages about curtains and dresses of the court and why magic is the way that it is and why it is ok for the main character to have multiple girlfriends because he is the chosen one, that my brain had to drop the main plot elements to make room for all of the extra goodies. No, I am completely serious, I enjoyed the books but I have no idea why I like them at this point. Then after eleven books with 9685 pages 3,430,682 words (that's right I counted! well I looked it up, but still) the author went and died. So there is no end to this series which is ok because by the time you finish you have to start over just to remember why you where reading it in the first place. Hey, maybe that is why he called it the wheel of time. The last book is to be finished by another author but I am not sure I have an interest in reading the summation of it all by someone who cannot torture me with details until I am a quivering mass of indignation who is a glutton for punishment.

Well that should be enough to keep you busy for a while if you know of any great fantasy writers out there let me know as I am always looking for my next fix.

ACT 20: An Apple a day

Mac computers sell themselves as the “safe” alternative. Their claim is that they are easy to use, harder to infect with viruses, and an alternative to computer mainstream. But what are they really? Their symbol is an apple with a bite out of it from their former days of being apple computers, it's simplistic design is known world wide and in fact it is a symbol nearly as old as time itself. How can that be you ask? Think about it, Mac computers are of the devil. When the lord of lies first presented himself to Eve he gave her a shinny apple to take a bite out of. “Take it,” He said, “it will make you seem smarter and it is better than the main stream apples, its shinny and has no viruses and it is easy to use.” And that’s how he got Eve, with his simplistic propaganda and twisting lies! It is easy to use unless you want to print, or network, or do ANYTHING THAT NORMAL COMPUTERS CAN DO! The taint of the original lie hangs on and its name is MAC! So next time you see one do the right think spray some holy water on it (or regular works too) and watch it sizzle. Take the fight back and throw one off a building. Let no unclean thing pollute your desktop and smite it with a hammer of indignation (or a regular hammer also works) and say NO MORE! I’m on to you Mac with your programs that cost extra to do what regular computers can do already and your shinny screens that scream blasphemy and free itunes. And now you are trying to cross over into our world and take on windows as well I say no! Damn your graphical programs and ipods. Take your non compatible ram back to the pit from whence you came. I'm on to you and now is the time to spread the word Macs are of the Devil!

Act 19: Sleepless

There is a certain time in the darkness when the moon hangs high in the cold sky and night and morning loose meaning and become one. When a peace falls over the sleepless, the eternal restless, the insomniacs of the world, when all hope of entering slumber is gone and that hopeless feeling is replaced by serenity. All of the sudden you start to laugh at the futility of it all let out a chuckle and resign your fate. This is a feeling reserved for us few who truly belong without sleep. There are those that have a bad night or two when the stress and the furious pace of life is too much to let the brain sleep they who complain around the proverbial water cooler about what a crappy night they had and how no one could understand how hard it is on them. To those of you who have suffered I am sorry. But this message is not for you. You are the same as those who miss a lunch and think they are starving. But this is for us few who survive on scraps alone, those of us who can’t remember what two nights of good sleep together feels like, my brothers and sisters of the night. Those who know the cool embrace of darkness and unforgiving starlight that dances and sways teases and tantalizes but never lets us forget the burning in our eyes when we blink or the yearning in our souls for release from the cruel mistress of our fates. So to you my brothers and sisters of the black I say this, you are not alone though those around you may not see as we do. We are out there we share the slumber of the damned we laugh and cry as you do at the in-betweens when night and morning loose meaning. We are there laughing like mad men at the night. The black under our eyes a badge of honor for a war fought and lost and fought again. Our struggles the same our fates entwined. To those few who understand this I mourn for you, and bid you goodnight.

Act 18: Zombies: Attack of the Killer chicken!

So I was thinking about Zombies the other night, as I often do huddled under the impenetrable shell of blankets and pillows that is my bed like fortress. As I listened intently for the tell tale signs of the undead; groaning, wailing and the trite but effective calling out for brains to eat, an idea struck me like a nun on an out of control Harley with a badminton racquet. Zombies aren’t evil, they just have upset stomachs! Like a starving roommate on a finger licking adventure to trots-Ville in porcelain land. Zombies are probably just too impatient to pop the brain or leg in the microwave for 3 min turning over after 2 min and making sure to use the special tinfoil like crisping tray. The brain is like a gold mine of dysentery, like a college student sucking down a medium rare chick fillet. Zombies are just really pissed off because they can’t figure out how to change the power setting on the microwave back to 10 while that incessant light blinks 12:00 over and over again. So maybe if next time the gates of the infernal pits open again and long since dead start moaning about crispy delicious brains we could take a minute to club a PETA loving, green peace promoting, acid popping freak Hippie! Feed the hippie’s pot addled brain to the living dead with a side of fries and one of those parsley sprigs. Then when they have calmed down and stop moaning all the time because of ill prepared meals and upset stomachs we can put them to work. We can start at state colleges teaching physical education, put a paper hat on them and teach them to use two baskets in the fry-illator at the same time, or simply send the whole lot of them to Berkley were mindless drones with a rotting smell would fit right in. So remember cook your chicken, club a hippie, and avoid nuns on Harleys’.

Act 17 The Cany Corn Conspiracy

I have a theory. I believe that all candy corn, fruit cake, and valentines hearts in the entire world where made in the year 1867. An evil corporation set out to sell hyped up “candy” that they knew no one would actually be able to eat. Then with a brilliant marketing department they have been able to keep people buying these atrocities year after upset stomach two bottles of Pepto-Bismol soaked year. Then with a team of unpaid interns they scour the land fills collect the “candy” and are all set for the following year. How else can you explain opening a new bag of candy corn only to discover that it is already stale? Or biting into a rock hard candy heart just out of the pouch? And since we all know that no one actually eats fruit cake so that one is pretty self explanatory. For over a hundred years this evil corporation has duped us into buying and re-buying processed reprocessed crap and frankly I am tired of it. All to finance other horrible projects such as Lego Land (oh I hate you Lego Land) and probably the Muppet Show, but more on that later.