Rules for IT headaches

1. There will always be a bigger idiot
2. Each day that nothing goes wrong only makes the day when it all goes wrong worse.
3. so called 'drop tested' laptops might as well be made of glass.
4. If it is possible to break something they will find a way
5. Seriously how did you mange to break that (see number 4)
6. Water proof does not apply to barbeque sauce
7. Never underestimate the power of stupidity in large groups.
8. Management has nothing to do other than to make you pay for knowing more than they do.
9. Buying a Mac will not make your iphone, itunes, or youtube, work any better than a PC especially if you have never used one.
10. Yelling Please God make it stop almost never helps.
11. They are all out to get you hide as long as you can.
12. Just because it doesn't work for you does not mean that it doesn't work.
13. Telling someone to restart there computer is pointless, they will always lie to you they will never restart, when asked they will always answer I did that like 10 times already.
14. I don't know if you can hate someone to death but I think I am close to a break through (you know who you are).
15 Just because your computer started acting funny when you used the phone to call Aunt Sally but only on Tuesdays does not mean there is a correlation to why your youtube video won't load. Thank you for your input, now sit quietly while I try to stop the voice in my head that is telling me to maim you.
16. Why do I hate you, you ask? It might be because I have been here for two days after you sent the entire company a virus via forwarding porn when you accidentally hit send to all. It might be because you yelled at me this morning because your email wasn't working after you got our company on a blacklist for sending spam. But I am guessing it is because you stole my weekend you twit!
17. I hate you
18. No I really truly hate you
19. I get along with every kind of person from every walk of life but I still hate you.
20. When I sent you that email that said you are being monitored this is what I meant

Random Thoughts

Why is it considered weird when I put a maxy pad on my forehead and go running? They are super absorbent and make a soft headband. Goodbye sweat in my eyes, hello people pointing and staring at the gym.

When I swim I like to pretend I'm a shark it makes the experience more fun. Fun for me not the guy I was pretending was a seal.

People think that it's strange that I don't sleep at night. Not my roommate though he only thinks it's strange when he wakes up to find me sitting in the corner of his room rocking back in forth holding a knife and talking to myself. Nothing stirs up nostalgia like the memory of your first restraining order, I should look him up.

One more inch and he would have struck oil or blood

I am beginning to believe that my dentist missed his calling. As I was sitting in the dentist chair his hand in my mouth up to his elbow. The shrill sound of drill hitting bone and the acrid smell of burning tooth. I realized that maybe as a child this man wanted to be an oil farmer. Maybe he dreamed of wearing a cowboy hat and living in Texas, taking care of a big oil rig. This could be the only explanation for the amount of joy he seemed to gain from excavating my tiny cave like mouth. Him on a mission with his mighty drill. Me wondering if the shot he gave me would do anything for the pain or just make it look like I rode the short bus for the rest of the day. Just as he hit what must have been a central nerve cluster he pulled out all the childlike wonder fading from his eyes. Then proceeded to fill my mouth with something that tasted like a mix between black liquorish, hydrogen peroxide, and the souls of unwanted children. I had to wonder what path this poor white coated baby hater took in life that he would willingly get bitten on a daily basis. Then I got the bill and it all became amazingly clear.

Positive thinking

As I finished running 2 miles on the treadmill at the gym this morning, and felt what I thought was a bunched up sock in my shoe. I realized that a giant blister is like a cushion a horrid, miserable, messed up, agonizing cushion. And that girl running in front of me is like a princess, a sweaty scowling princess. And the men's shower is like a swamp full of fungus and naked old people, actually I don't have an analogy for that one. My positive thinking stops at old naked people.

Reasons I hate my job

I have tried desperately to become a caring IT guy I have tried to be patient I have tried to explain things as many times as needed so that people understand. But I now realize why IT guys are generally known as unhelpful, or jerks, or insane. It is because of all of you! We try to help you we show you that double clicking means clicking twice, we have tried to answer your insane questions like. My CD drive doesn't work sometimes when I am on facebook why is that? It might be because we hate you, or those two things might be totally unrelated. But just because your mind has jumped to the conclusion that when you are typing in Word and listening to music at the same time the internet doesn't look like the shade of blue it normally does. Does not mean that it's true or that I should care or that you want me to spend time trying to see why. I now hate all of you I tried to be nice but the gloves are off if I have to show you something for the twentieth time in four days I should get to hit you and hard. Maybe then some of these things will stick in that empty sponge you call a brain. Also I would like to thank you for the amazing amount of job security I have.

The reason I love my Job

This is an actual email I sent this morning to the head of the sales department. He has been bugging me about his email getting spam all week. I tried to explain that he in fact signed up for the emails that he was getting and it takes time after you unsubscribe for them to stop. Instead of listening he decided to start forwarding all of his spam mails to me. This was my response. (Names have been changed to protect.....well, me)

Regarding your spam,
Since I only unsubscribed you from their mailing list Monday and their disclaimer was to allow 2 weeks for changes to take effect please be patient during this trying time. If you would like I could log on to your account each morning and evening to make sure that these blights are never an eyesore on your computer screen again. The IT department sincerely apologizes for our transgression and we will have a department meeting post haste to brainstorm on ideas to make this transitional period more comfortable for you. If you would allow us this great boon of time to work on the problem we would forever be in your dept. From the greatest depths of my heart from the deepest recesses of my soul I apologize that a spam got through our obviously inferior defenses and assaulted you. If you could submit a drawing of where the spam touched you it would greatly help in our investigation. Or to say it in another way; be patient and the problem will work itself out. Your friend in the IT department,

Syden Insomniac
IT Manager

Act 25: Valentines Day

Valentines Day is a time of Love, a time for relationships, to snuggle up by a warm fire her in that little black dress while turtle doves coo their love song from the rafters. Well I have news for you: Turtle doves have sharp beaks, that dress you love so much is not fire resistant, and Valentines Day was invented by cracked out sycophants. Who else could come up with free love, candy hearts, and a naked flying baby with a bow and arrow? Someone tripping on a freak acid trip that’s who. Now I have spoken of these non shoe wearing social deviants before. Many of you know that I like to refer to this subculture as ‘damned dirty hippies.’ But all prejudice aside, setting all of my hate on the back burner. I say this with an unbiased opinion. Every hippie involved in the creation and propagation of this holiday must die. I refuse to bend over once again and take the chocolate coated, fluffy bunny, candy heart, anal probe that is Valentines Day. Enough is enough. I know that those little white candy hearts that say things like: be mine, maybe tonight, PETA 4EVR, down with the government, and kiss me, are just fossilized globs of Pepto-Bismol with white food coloring. It is the only way that you could handle the nausea of this touchy feely, chick flick strewn, diarrhea rhetoric, diabetes causing, holiday. I am a lone man calling you out Saint Valentine! I won’t stand this mother of all non holidays anymore. On a much unrelated side note I will be all alone this holiday eating my way through a solid chocolate heart the size of my head and thinking of all of the couples that I hate. But that in no way affects my opinion of the crap fest that is Valentines Day. Unless I find a date that is then disregard this post.

In Terminator 5: Rise of the Muppet cyborgs

To me this should be a picture for the next terminator film. Half Woman, Half Cyborg, with a Muppet leg and wearing a mini skirt with her sidekick horse peering from a bomb shelter and planing what must be my annihilation. I mean why else would he be down there? This will most likely be the poster for the new movie Terminator 5 Rise of the Muppet Cyborgs (title and artwork still pending). The plot being that once that Skynet found out that John Connor was able to detect Terminators in Human form, liquid form, and somewhat liquid somewhat human form. They hatched a daring plan involving getting into Johns secret bunker by appealing to his masculine side by making a beautiful cyborg but also to his lost childhood by making her part Muppet. She obviously couldn't just fly a Skynet death glider into the bunker so they gave her a sinister horse named Mr. Dead (yes like Mr. Ed but dead) to ride in on. I think that it will be the best movie in the franchise since Terminator 1 and is rumored to have guest appearances by Grover and of course Animal (well at least his leg anyways). I can't wait for it to hit theaters.

An apology from the IT department

I would like to take a moment to apologize for some of my IT brethren out there sometimes we get a bit cross with you and I would like to explain some reasons why.

1. That time you spilled barbeque sauce on your laptop then tried to fix it with really absorbent dinner rolls I am sorry I yelled at you.
2. When you download enough porn on your work computer to make a trucker blush then got upset when a virus rampaged through your computer. I was having a bad day and got cross with you that was my fault sorry.
3. I understand that your computer only seems to do this when your aunt May from Kentucky calls but that really has nothing to do with the problem.
4. Just because it doesn't work for you does not mean that the world is having this problem too.
5. Remember that time I asked what the problem was and you went on for an hour and a half about how your life is falling apart and this computer thing is the last straw. That was my fault I should have been more clear. What I meant to ask was what is the problem you called me from my office to help you fix with this computer and no others and only that problem?
6. I didn't make want to make you feel stupid when I talked to you like a third grader who just wet his pants. I just assumed that because I had told you every two days for the past year how to do this that I needed a new approach to teaching, that was my bad next time I'll try treats.
7. I know that you thought your computer needed to cool down so you put ice cubes on top of it. That was very thoughtful but now it is smoking and I need to look at it.
8. That thing I got mad at you for I will try and explain you see it is a CD tray and is only for putting CD's into. So when you use it as a drink holder I get a bit tiffed. I know you don't use that many CD's but still this is why they don't work anymore.
9. I realize that when your YouTube video isn't working that is frustrating but that doesn't mean that the internet is not working when everything else is still fine but I guess I could call them and ask them what happened to the video of the monkey baby falling asleep. It's not like I do anything anyways so I will put all of that stuff aside and call the Youtube guy right now give me a few hours to work on that.
10. When I said try restarting your computer and you told me you already did that like 10 times and then I restarted it and it worked, I am so sorry about that.
11. When I said I hate you! Then tried to stab you with a pen, don't take offense. I just didn't like it when you got our email server blackballed as a spam server for sending that "very funny email" to everyone you know and all of their friends 40 times because it was just that funny. And then I had to spend 4 days fixing the problem while everyone else in the office including you yelled at me because email wasn't working, for that I am sorry. Also good news you might get back the privileged to send emails again very soon.
12. When you said your computer wasn't working and wouldn't tell me what wasn't working and worked on it all day and then I got frustrated. I should have known that solitaire game options had changed it is my problem I should have been more aware and I am sorry.
13. When you tried to move your computer by yourself because 'it didn't look good under that desk' then you destroyed all of the USB ports on the back by not unplugging anything. And I tried to cut your brake line 'to see how you liked it' that was wrong I apologize. Also I am sorry that none of your USB ports are not working I will get right on that.
14. When you called me racist because I gave you a white keyboard and I stared at you until you cried I am sorry I will look into getting you a black one or whatever ethnicity of keyboard you are comfortable with.
15. Each time I pass you now and scowl with burning eyes of hate for all the unnecessary things you have made me do over the years I am sorry you are my boss and I should show a little more respect. Whats that you did what to your motherboard?

P.S. I hate you

White mice

I have noticed something strange. Moisturizer, vitamins, Aspartame, sunlight, gene therapy, coke, diet coke, sugar, fun, cheese, and bicycle pump grease has been know to cause cancer in little white mice. Has anyone paused to think that maybe cancer is just prone to white mice. I suggest that from now on we use brown ones instead.

I am tired of calling them all side acts: 14

Despondence
There is a point in everyone's life that they get emotionally fatigued. This can be for any number of reasons or no reason at all. The lights are too bright the sounds are too loud and those around you are just too stupid. For what ever reason you get to the breaking point and have to do something to unwind and start over. Now lets talk about physical fatigue. When you don't sleep well a few nights in a row (or months or years in some of our cases) then have strenuous activities you must attend to when you bring your body to the breaking point until it screams that it can take this abuse no more and shuts down. Back to that in a moment. Stress related fatigue is a mix between the first two there is so much weighing down on you that eventually you want to scream but you are too tired from listening to illogical people make terrible decisions and are left holding the bag when all is said and done. Now to the point: Once in a while these three fatigues hit you all at once Emotional, physical, and stress in a perfect stress storm which I am calling superfantasticdraino pronounced super-fantastic-drain-o the 'o' at the end should make the sound of a robot powering down, like OOOooo lower and lower until it sort of fades out into nothing. Why super fantastic you ask well that's because in this state of utter uncaring everything becomes crystal clear the crap you have to wade through day in and day out dissolves into nothing and all that is left to you is either your pillow or the arduous climb up the clock tower with a sniper rifle. Luckily my sniper rifle was at the cleaners so I opted for the pillow. This state can cause career changes, divorces, and great late night comedy. It is the sole reason for the sporks invention and why so many people are on Prozac. So next time you feel everything coming together in one giant pile of despondency amplified by not sleeping and the urge to kill your coworkers. I urge you to sigh turn off the lights and laugh until you cry and really enjoy your superfantasicdraino. Note long periods of superfantasticdraino can cause death and insanity for more information on superfantasticdraino visit your local doctor. Superfantasticdraino is not for everyone consult your physician before trying to reach a period of superfantasicdraino. Superfantasticdraino is not meant to treat or diagnose any illness and is in fact a made up word.

Side act 14: The things I live by

If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all… unless it’s really funny

Sleep is for quitters.

The difference between genius and insanity is success…success and an imaginary shaved pet monkey named mojo.

Asteroids and hemorrhoids should have their names switched.

If you always do what you have done then you will always get the same result. Unless you are having a computer problem then try restarting and call me back.

Whenever God closes a door he opens a window. This is probably why my heating bill is so high.

Side Act 13: Future Plans

When the zombie uprising finally happens I have a plan and I will be ready. Unless I am still human that is. Mmmm brains.

If at first you don’t succeed try, try again. Unless it is really hard or boring or whatever, you know what just take a nap, think you can do that with out screwing it up genius?

Ever stare into the night sky at those millions of billions of stars and wonder if we are not alone? I don’t really care about the rest of the galaxy I just know that I am alone, so very alone.

Side Act 12: Historical facts and why I hate them

Christopher Columbus "discovered" America in 1492. That was the day he realized that this was not in fact India and that he was horribly, horribly lost.

We get a holiday when Martin Luther King talks about his dreams but when I do it they up my medication.

George Washington designed his soldiers uniforms and considered himself quite the tailor. His soldiers got the nickname "The Virginia Blues" for their matching outfits and he got his picture on the dollar bill. I suggest "no pants Friday" and they have meetings about me.

Chinese Emperor Shen-Nung introduced acupuncture in 2700 BC as a medical practice but stab one co-worker in the neck with a pencil and it's "harassment."

The first-known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 BC. I find that not bathing in regular intervals and having Cheeto colored fingers works just as effectively.

There are more statues of Sacajewa, Lewis & Clark's female Indian guide, in the United States than any other person. If that doesn't make up for stealing your land and selling your watered down whiskey then I don't know what will.

Side Act 11: Acronyms and me a touching story of of love and loss

Have you ever considered the following:

We use acronyms so often in our society that I wonder if you know what all of the following stand for.

CD: That's not my Mandy Moore CD I swear!
DVD: Pride and Prejudice should have a warning label on it's DVD
AIDS: He has AIDS and not the kind that fetch him coffee.
AFK: AFK have to kill roomate.
LOL: Seriously you don't know what lol is rofl
AC: Turn up the AC or the body will start to smell
ATM: I have never in good conscience robbed an ATM
ID: It is not a fake ID the ID is real my age however is quite fake.
PS. Sincerely, Syden Insomniac, P.S. I hate you.
SOS: Sending out an sos, sending out an sos Message in a bottle, ya
Laser: He shot a freaking laser out of his eyes!
Scuba: Sharks are friendly let me show you put on your scuba gear.
Radar: Cop got me with his radar gun.
DNA: Test my DNA to see if I am a monkey or at least adopted.
LED: If I position this LED light just right, yup you look like Satan.

Now for the definitions.
CD compact disc
DVD Digital Versatile Disc
AIDS Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome
AFK away from keyboard
LOL laugh out loud or Rofl roll on the floor laughing
AC air conditioning
ATM automated teller machine
ID identification
PS post script and pss post script script
SOS save our souls
Laser light amplification by the stimulated emission of radiation
Scuba Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Radar radio detection and ranging
DNA deoxyribonucleic acid
LED light-emitting diode

Don't feel bad I didn't know them all either

Side Act 10: Book Titles that didn't make it

Three day old chicken that may have been left out just a little too long for the soul.

Everything I need to know I learned in the Kindergarten bathroom.

Harry Potter and the chamber of really really scary things also Voldemort is in there.

Interview with the guy who thinks he's a Vampire but is really just senile and possibly diabetic by the way he keeps gumming that orange.

Steven Kings the lamp monster.

Revenge of the Sith. (we'll just cut out the middle man and make it a movie)

Papa Smurf the inside story.

Harry Potter and the prepubescent dream.

You are different and that's bad. (a children's book)

The Big book of Pop up anatomy

Daddy drinks because you cry

Clowns: The magical world of cannibalism and smiles

Side Act 9: Things that have failed to get me a girlfriend thus far

Driving past her and honking at 50 miles and hour. Seriously how did I think this was going to work? Unless she was an FBI agent, managed to track down my license plate number, and call me for a date because I had the courtesy to honk at her.

Staring at a girl until she gets uncomfortable and leaves the room. Side note: this is a great way to get a table in a crowded restaurant.

Being aloof I don't know if I am being aloof enough or being to aloof. Or even what aloof means but so far not working.

Covering myself in glitter and standing in the sun next to the twilight book stack at Barnes and Noble.

Going to 'I'll date anyone who asks anonymous' meetings. I hate it when therapy actually works.

For my next plan I am going to go to the zoo wearing a loin cloth and seemingly escape from the tiger pit into her waiting arms. This way she has no expectations because after all I was raised by tigers. I don't have to follow social norms, don't have to pretend to listen to her drone on and on because I have not yet mastered human speech, and for our anniversary I can bring her a dead bird. I know it sounds a bit complicated but when trying to give any other girl a dead bird in the past they get freaked out and wont call you back. And I honestly just don't know what to do with this perfectly good dead bird I found.

Side Act 8: Last request

Would it be considered cruel and unusual punishment to put an Amish person in the electric chair?

Why do they sterilize the needle before giving a lethal injection?

What exactly can a cannibal request as a last meal? Can it be another guy on death row?

Side Act 7: Food facts

Once jello is made it cannot go back to liquid form unless you put it in your mouth and swish vigorously.

If you liquefy gummy bears over a camp fire then drink from the scalding hot pan everything you eat for the next week will taste like gummy. After thought: when I did this I almost died.

Saving cream unlike whipped cream does not taste good on pie but will get the hair off if it falls on the floor. Also don't eat the pie it was on the floor and it has shaving cream on it.

Side Act 6: Commercialism

Is that fruity cereal actually magically delicious or is it just a cleaver marketing scheme? Because I don't see magic in the ingredients anywhere. Unless you count ground up smurf #5, wait I thought Gargamel was using them to make gold not cereal.

I don't think Gillet is in fact the best a man can get. My can left me for a hunky fireman. (For sensitive skin my ass.)

I think that they should make a caveman movie, based on the caveman show, that was based on the caveman commercial, that was based on a really lame saying. Ya I'd go see that I mean what could be better than a really, really, really long Geico commercial?

I don't want to alarm anyone but I checked the symptoms on Web M.D. and I think that the energizer bunny is in all actuality on crack. But hey as long as he keeps my stuff running and I don't have to bail him out of jail to often I guess it works out.

Side Act 5: Justifications for fattitude

Just remember kids when you have fat friends there are no seesaws only catapults.

One serving is when the spoon scrapes the bottom of any container.

Pop tarts make a great substitute for bread. Side note my strawberry tuna sandwich is not as good as it sounds.

Driving from garage to the mail box is ok as long as you are not wearing any pants.

The bigger you get the easier it is to float.

Get in shape well this just in, round is a shape. So is a rhombus but that's just unattractive.

Your food storage is portable. (even if you are not)

More of you to love. Much, much more so much you might overdose and die if I roll over in my sleep.

Scientifically speaking an object with more mass has more of gravitational field. So when your friends are setting you up on a blind date and she asks is he attractive? You can say yes, and have the laws of physics to back you up.

The 5 second rule for dropping food only applies if it is possible to bend over and pick it up in 5 seconds adjust accordingly to your size.

And finally....

Don't think of a clogged artery as a negative. Think of it as years of hard work.

Side Act 4: This just in ice is slippery

So if you ever feel so inclined to get up early and enact some new years resolution by taking a brisk walk in the wee morning hours know this. Ice it turns out is slippery, also as a side note my knee hurts.

Side Act 3: Creature of the night

Every now and then when I am trying unsuccessfully to sleep I creep around the house from shadow to shadow being as silently as I can be. I know it sounds crazy but if I am made a vampire anytime soon I'll have a leg up on the other new competition. Also if I spread glittery paint all over me do you think I could convince a really naive girl that I was a good vampire and get a date? I know your out there insane Twilight fans.

Side Act 2: Randomnimity

Do you think if you where on a super secret team who traveled to other worlds in order to obtain alien technology to defend against the threat of an ultimate evil, do you think you'd get hazard pay? Because if not I don't think I'd take the job. Unless they had a really good retirement plan or you know if there was a hot chick on the team with me.

Side Act 1: Random Thought

I think that if I ever develop multiple personality disorder and I am able to communicate with them. I will convince them that there is another personality that only I can hear. You know just to screw with them. Also if we ever evolve to the point where we can read each other minds I would like to apologize in advance for all of the people that I drive to insanity.