An Insomniacs guide to the world

An ode to the Chinese girl that I used to think was really hot whom I now call monkey butt

2010-03-19T06:30:00.000-07:00

You are the Chinese girl at the place I work
I think that you are perhaps a clerk
I used to smile and say hello
When you didn’t answer I just went with the flow
I helped you carry boxes to your car
Which wasn’t fair ‘cause it was really far
You never smiled or even said thank you
It hurt my feelings but you don’t have a clue
I tried to be nice but I always fail
So I spread the rumor that you have a vestigial tail

Averages

2010-03-18T07:26:00.000-07:00

Averages: If you where to say the average person slept 7 hours a night by the time they are 80 they will have slept 204400 hrs. I on the other hand only sleep 2-4 hours a night so on average 3 hrs in 80 years I will only have slept 87600 hrs. That is a difference of 116800 hrs or 13.33 years at 80 I will have been awake 13.33 years longer than an average person. Some might think this is cool I on the other hand think that by the time I am 80 I will reach such a state of Uber-boredom that time will cease to exist all together and I will finally unlock time travel. Unfortunately I will realize that the only use for ‘boredom black hole capacitor technology’ (patent pending) is to go back and watch old infomercials of the sham wow guy and that really cool car wax that protects your paint from laser beams.

Famous Personals

2009-11-24T07:53:00.000-08:00

If the characters in popular TV shows/movies wrote personal adds.

Biter seeks bite-y
130 year old virgin Vampire with abandonment issues seeks 15 or 16 year old girl to seduce.
Likes: Long walks on the beach (at night), Brooding about my tortured past, watching you while you sleep, and cheerleaders who like emo Goths.
Don’t like: Garlic, wooden furniture, mirrors, or fatties.

I know what’s wrong with you
50’s something Doctor with limp seeks emotionally healthy prey that I can destroy slowly and without remorse.
Likes: Drugs, hookers, piano music, and strange diseases
Dislikes: Puzzles that can’t be solved, people that can’t be broken, and obvious answers

No fate but what we make
Future leader of mankind seeks bunker buddy to hang out with during robot uprising.
Likes: Guns, Computer hacking, and road trips
Dislikes: Skynet, robots, and overly protective mother types

Branch Manager seeks Scranton hottie
Funny, smart, intelligent, lonely paper manager seeks hot, non-judgmental, supermodel type to have lots of children with so I won’t die alone.
Likes: Jokes, being the best boss, and hot chicks
Don’t like: People who don’t laugh at obviously hilarious jokes, fatties, and women who can’t see how completely amazing I am.

How to ace a job interview

2009-11-05T06:12:00.000-08:00

With the economy the way it is these days and unemployment reaching new heights of despairitude odds are you are going to be going on a job interview. That means that you have passed phase one and they have either not caught on that your resume is a complete lie. Or they are trying to figure out how on earth you could have put 'first person to do the crab walk on the moon' and keep a straight face when asked about it. But with so many people out of work you need to stand out here are some tips on how to answer the tough questions they might ask.

Describe yourself in 5 words or less: Way way better than you. This shows that you are not only awesome but you compared yourself to them which is flattering and why wouldn't they want to hire a better version of themselves?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? A lonely survivor of the Zombie Apocalypse having killed all of my friends after they turned, desperately seeking safe haven in a world of horrors that never end. Expect shocked silence after this one as he thinks of you as a brave warrior. This shows your resilience, your ability to adapt to new situations, and your go to attitude.

What did you like least about your last job? I didn't like how when people didn't pay on time they made me leave the room then used loud party poppers. Then they had to call the guy they call "the cleaner" to handle all of the after party fun, and not once did I get invited or even get a piece of cake. This will show that you enjoy company activities and would like to participate in future company events. Don't get fooled into saying to many bad things about your last boss this question is a trap.

Why did you leave your last job? After the FBI raid I felt that the company I was working for had a poor future plus there were no stock options. Use this question as an opportunity to look for company benefits, like stock options.

What is your greatest strength? My greatest strength is my ability to know what others around me are thinking. It is ok to turn away and blush at what your boss just thought about you at this point. It makes him believe that you might actually have some super human trait he is looking for to put together a secret crime fighting team. And that is not something you want turn down.

What is your greatest weakness? My greatest weakness is that after I used my greatest strength to tell what people around me are really thinking I tend to cry a lot. Use your weakness to fortify his belief in your greater strength.

At this point you have all but assured your place back in the work force, good luck out there.

Things that bother me

2009-11-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

A small list of things that bother me feel free to add to it in the comments section.

Girls in books or shows who think that they can change a Vampires after 265 years of being blood sucking monsters.

Why do movies that have the technology to show me really cool fight scenes decided at the last minute to hand the camera to the kid with seizures during all the intense action? Thus making me nauseous and completely miss what is actually happening except the gist yes, they fought got it… thanks for nothing.

Chain letters even if they have a good point, something funny, or a great picture that I might have considered forwarding on anyways. If I get to the bottom and it tells me to send it to 7 people or I will die a grizzly death it goes to the garbage. Stop it! A forward of a forward of a forward is no longer mail and will no longer be tolerated.

When a girl plucks her eyebrows till they no longer exist then draw them on with a blue pencil. Let me tell you what guys look for in eyebrows. Are there two of them? Can you see out from under them? That is all.

I saw an interesting preview, my friends went to see it and said it was great, so I go to the video store to rent it and all they have is the Uncensored and uncut version. There is usually a reason it was cut and censored and I want to see the damned version that got good reviews. Not the 7 hour version of dances with wolves! Note there is actually a 7 hour version of Dances with Wolves. I do not recommend this unless you are masochist with a death wish and think rising action is a guy riding on a horse for two hours.

When I reply to a coworkers morning greeting of “How are you?” with the obligatory “good, how are you?” And they respond by telling me all about their problems for the next 45 minutes. If we are friends great, if I only talk to you because I am forced to by company etiquette please leave me alone.

When people ask me if I have seen a movie, I tell them no but I am going to see it later then they talk about key plot elements in front of me insisting that it ruins nothing. Little secret if it was note worthy then it does matter!!!

When I am watching a show online or on T.V. and the commercials are way louder than the show.

Super powers that would really suck to have

2009-10-27T11:37:00.000-07:00

Read minds: Sure you might think this is awesome to know peoples thoughts but if you couldn’t turn it off you’d be popping prozac like skittles by the end of the week. People are depressing horrible beings and I am just thinking about my own thoughts. I shudder to think what some of the other people I know think about in spare moments.

X-ray vision: Sure you think it would be cool to see through walls and cloths but odds are if it was a powerful gift you would spend most of your time looking at people’s bones. And if you where ever to develop a close relationship with anyone they would die of radiation poisoning by the end of your first anniversary

Telekinesis: I am guessing moving things with your mind would be awesome except for the fact that I am guessing obesity in the guy who doesn’t have to walk to the cupboard to get Cheetos is pretty high. Also when you where sleeping odds are that you would move your room around in your sleep and that would make it hard to find your clean shocks in the morning.

Super breath: The ability to inhale or exhale with gale force winds might be useful on a sail boat but the second you sneeze someone is going to die.

Regeneration: If you are constantly regenerating then your pain receptors would never ever develop and you would have no pain threshold at all every time you stubbed your toe would be agony, sure it might grow back nice and neat but you would pass out like a baby every time.

Super human smell: Self explanatory I can barley stand the smells I deal with now. And passing a gym would probably kill you.

Waterbreathing: This would be cool at the beach for about 2 hours till you got all pruny and it started to hurt that you where underwater that long. Oh and the sewers dump just off the coast so enjoy.

See the future: You will only see reruns on TV for ever after and will always be bored.

Statute of Friendly Limitations

2009-10-26T09:15:00.000-07:00

In our justice system when a petty crimes and misdemeanors pass a certain amount of time they are forgotten. Even singed contracts can’t be sued if in breach if to much time has gone by, this law is called the Statute of Limitations. Well there is another kind of contract that people abide by called the social contract. This can be as simple as smiling back to someone who smiled at you, or doing that shoulder shrug and raised eyebrow thing people do when waiting for the same elevator. But one of the most annoying part of this social contract is when you are bound by social graces to say hi to someone you haven’t talked to in 10 years and could care less about. The conversation always goes the same way.

Random person you know you should know but are struggling with all your might to remember their name: “Hey man how’s it going?”

“Good,” awkward pause “How you doing?” often followed by the shuffling of feet or looking back apologetically to the people you came with but now are ignoring.

“I’m good, what you been up to?” The question hangs in the air like ever thickening pea soup as you try and figure out how to sum up the past 10 years of rising and falling action in as few words as possible without leaving room for follow up questions.

“Good,” you finally answer desperately choking back the answer you want to give which is always ‘why are we talking, and why do you care?’ “I’m good, just work and stuff you know.” The answer hangs there like a dead raccoon that has been reanimated back to life and only seems interested in humping your leg. You shuffle again uncomfortably trying to take it back, kicking unconsciously at the figment raccoon knowing that you have in fact left an opening for a questions and hoping that it goes unnoticed.

“Oh,” They answer seeing the opening “where you working these days?”

You sigh inwardly and look back at your friends once more but they are also bound by the contract not to interrupt unless invited to do so, and at the same time knowing that any move towards them will inevitably make this take much, much longer than it needs to. “I am an IT Manager at a small company,” You get to excited feeling that this horror will be ending soon and before you realize what you have done you ask, “How about you?”

“I am blah, blah at the blah, blah-oligist, and it is so rewarding blah, blah, blah, Marriage, blah, blah, me, me, me, Children, blah, blah, …” Sorry my brain has shut down at this point to protect me from the insufferable boredom and I can’t honestly tell you what was said and I was trying to kick away a zombie raccoon at the time inconspicuously so I wasn’t really paying that close of attention anyways. Then you realize that they have finally stopped talking about their lunar land rover adventure in money town. So you quickly add hoping with all your might that this will end.

“That’s great well it was great to see you.” Even though you both know that this is a lie and will have to be repeated in 5 to 10 years.

“Ya, nice to see you too.”

So I vote that we institute a Statute of Friendly Limitations in which you may break social contracts and outright ignore people for which you know casually, as long as two years has passed since your acquaintance started. For instance if you ran into someone from high school that you had one class with and you talked occasionally, after two years you would no longer be obligated to recognize the said relationship.
If you dated someone in high school then the contract changes so that two years since the relationship ended plus double the time you spent together. So if you dated for a year in high school you would have to wait 4 years to ignore them. Adding of course one year if ‘I love you’ was said on both sides, and one year for each base you rounded together. So if I dated a girl for a year in high school told her I loved her with reciprocation and got to second base I would have to wait 7 years to completely ignore them. With a contractual clause of course for first kiss, or home base which moves it from a misdemeanor relationship to a felony relationship for which the Statute of Friendly Limitations does not apply. All rights are waved if you attended a high school reunion and may God have mercy on your soul if you choose to do so. This is just a rough draft of the Statute of Friendly Limitations so if you have suggestions or revisions please let me know so that we can hammer this thing out and get it in circulation just as soon as possible.

The Return

2009-10-22T21:41:00.000-07:00

So after 4 months of testing countless hours in waiting rooms and having to pretend to be nice to nurses so they don't hurt me anymore I have returned. Sure they still have no idea what's wrong with me but people have been asking "whats wrong with you!" for as long as I can remember. At least now I can assure them that there is no diagnosable medical reason. That being said let us begin.

I thought I would ease back into it with some random thoughts.

When carving a pumpkin use a knife rather than 5 M-80 explosives and a drill. I find that while the carving takes longer with the knife, the clean up does not involve me standing on the table mopping the ceiling.

A good costume is a ghost or a vampire a bad costume is dressing up as the chief of polices recently dead wife. The good news is I have a great prison jumpsuit costume now. On a side note I can't make your Halloween party I was detained.

Even though Halloween is close it is almost never a good idea to comment on the costume of the nurse who will be drawing your blood. So I said you looked good as a slutty nurse the 15 pricks to find the vein was mostly uncalled for.

If you ever have the chance to look deep into a girls eyes and tell her how you really feel deep down inside avoid the phrase "pancake butt" at all cost.

It is almost never ok to send me pictures of cute puppies and kitties that you thought would brighten my day. Until this trend stops I will be replying with a drawing of what I think you look like naked. I had to edit it for younger viewers.

Six Degrees of desperation

2009-09-30T08:55:00.000-07:00

Six degrees of separation (also referred to as the "Human Web") refers to the idea that, if a person is one step away from each person they know and two steps away from each person who is known by one of the people they know, then everyone is at most six steps away from any other person on Earth. It was popularized by a play written by John Guare.

On the other hand Six degrees of Desperation (also referred to as my "dating pool") refers to the idea that, If I make a big enough idiot of myself that people tell and retell the story of my idiocy. That if each person tells just one other person they know that eventually every girl on the planet will know me as "that guy." This theory has been percolating in the back of my mind since the days of Lorena Bobbit. She did one incredibly idiotic thing and now her dating pool is 0 based on the same series of events.

So basically it comes down to this; on a small scale I tested it out by telling just one girl in the office I work at something stupid I did. By the end of the day every girl in the entire office had that "I know what you did" look as I passed by. Bringing this to a big scale I and the amount of time I spend doing stupid things that people talk about I am guessing that in 6 months time I will be un-datable.
(What stupid thing did I do that I told a coworker about? I'm sure if you read half of my past blogs you will figure it out eventually.)

It's probably the fuel filter

2009-09-28T06:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I enjoy trolling yahoo answers to give back to the community I am hoping for best answer on this one.

Original poster:
My boyfriend is cheating on me what do I do?
Last night I left my boyfriends house I got a few miles down the street and my car stalled and broke down because I live pretty far away I just decided to walk back to his house. It took me about 40 minutes and when I got there I could see through the window he was kissing some other girl. I was crushed we have been dating for over 6 months and she didn't look familiar at all. I stood there for a while in disbelief but I didn’t know what to do so I just left. What do I do I really like this guy and I don’t want to loose him but I am just so confused right now?

Syden Insomniac:
If the car stalls all the time, the general reason is that there is probably either a fuel or an ignition problem causing the engine to cut out. Of course, there could be any number of things wrong with your car if it stalls during normal driving (i.e., not when starting from stationary). I recommend a tune-up also it would be a good idea to check your spark plugs, and charging system, and when was the last time you changed your fuel filter?

T.V. Land

2009-09-25T07:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry loyal readers I have been ill and when you are trying not to die it’s hard to find time to keep up with the blog or even feel funny enough to write. But that being said lets catch up on what’s been going on in the most important place, T.V. Land.

In the news; crazy people have been yelling at crazy people for being crazy. I am of course referring to the Democrats and Republicans. New plan everyone that enters a debate about healthcare has to take a Velum or a Prozac (their choice) then wait 30 minutes before the discussion can start.

New T.V. shows started so it should be easier to get through the day let me help you navigate through the crap.
The only news worth watching anymore is the Daily Show with John Stewart because he shows what both sides are doing in the race for coveted title “nuttier than squirrel poop.”
A new show about vampires who live for hundreds of years only to have relationships with high school girls hits the scene with the Vampire Diaries. It’s kind of like watching One Tree Hill and every now and then someone gets eaten, I know it sounds cool but they somehow made even that unbearable to watch. Mostly because they don’t kill the super annoying main characters like you want them to.
Supernatural bursts back on the scene in all its glory with only one problem. In previous seasons when they are fighting demons and werewolves and ghosts and goolies it made for some good clean violent fun. But now they are fighting Satan and looking for God it could be cool but I think it took a wrong turn on uncomfortable street and just blew the stop sign at don’t go there lane. I have tentative high hopes.
Glee is a show about people you didn’t want to hang out with in high school and still don’t want to respond to their facebook invite. Seriously they are not zany nerds that you grow to love that have good hearts, they are the truly crazy super annoying types that somehow find a teacher as socially inept as they are. Watch at your own risk.
Cougar town is a show about old people desperately trying not to die out to younger hotter less talented actresses.

Dr. Cox and Syden

2009-09-22T09:25:00.000-07:00

Syden has a trip to the hospital today and asked me to guest blog. I hope he gets a doctor like Dr. Cox. I think they would mesh.

Questions for An Insomniac

2009-09-17T08:06:00.000-07:00

If you have questions for an insomniac like me or want to know if you might be an insomniac yourself simply leave a comment in the form of a question and I would be happy to answer.

Sample Question:
Syden how is it that you only get 2-3 hours of sleep a night and are still so cool?

Sample Answer:
How is it that you get 8-9 hours of sleep a night and are still so lame? The answer is simple I was born to be awesome and you my friend had a chance at awesomnitude and slept past it with your snooze button in hand.

I am an open book so go ahead and ask. (Mothers need not apply, all sales are final, answers may and almost always will smack of smart ass-ery, Canadians need not apply)

Tjames asks: Is your employer hiring? Because I want to work there....
No Tjames we are not hiring and frankly it boggles my mind how I have gotten away with what I have over the years, probably because I have all of their passwords.

Augusto asks:
In your own words, what is your opinion of the best use of the hours between 2:35 and 5:12? I find myself perplexed. The television is generally useless at that time and I'm typically too exhausted to enjoy porn at such sleepless hours.
Who's words would I answer in if not my own I guess I could go and look for a Wikipedia entry for 2:35-5:12 and copy it but so far my search has had very poor results. Let's see between 2:35 and 5 first of course you try and sleep that kills about an hour or two tossing and turning. Then I do the mandatory 3am sock puppet show because I haven't slept in 3 weeks and I find this the funniest thing in the entire world. (Side note my former roommate did not find this the funniest thing in the entire world he is still not speaking to me.) If I get incredibly bored I torment my neighbors cat with a laser pointer and try and get him to run into things while crouched in the bushes. 4 Am is prime time to work on your zombie Apocalypse plan and possibly even run some test get to the fortified bunker. By 5 all hope for sleep is completely out the window and you don't look a psycho for going out and getting some errands done if needs be. I like to wander around walmart at this time when guys with mullets and that one bag lady who smells like molten death are safely asleep. FYI the longer you watch infomercials the more they make perfect sense so try and stay away or invent fun games like you have to drink whenever shamwow guy says something that has absolutely nothing to do with his product like random inference to girls in bikinis (trust me it happens a lot.) Hope that helps Augusto.

Justin said...
If I can't sleep, well then I just don't - it doesn't matter. Stay up, blog, do whatever. Just because the rest of the world is sleeping doesn't mean you have to.
Well laddi freakin da Justin! For some of us it's not that it's a choice to stay up it's a curse and all we want to do is sleep but for some sick reason God decided it would be funny to make this an impossibility! I'm not talking about when you had one or two bad nights of sleep and decided to deem yourself an insomniac. I am talking about 15 agonizing years of listening to people complain about how tired they are on Monday morning because they stayed up to late and you have been going on about 45 minutes to 2 hours of sleep a night for the past 3 months! Wow I'm sorry Justin I have no idea where that came from... Ya good advice man keep it coming.

If I were a vampire

2009-09-17T07:50:00.000-07:00

If I were a vampire I think I would join PETA because I bet those people that don’t eat meat would be pretty tasty. Also they would never see it coming, and probably if I got caught they would think I was just misunderstood or something. Also most of their campaigning seems to be in the nude for some reason which makes for easy access.

If I were a Vampire I would get upset because I really like garlic chicken pizza.

If I were a Vampire and had till the end of time to do things I bet I would get really, really good at spider solitaire.

I think a vampire with rabies would be extra dangerous because even if you survive now you’ve got rabies… oh and the craving for blood.

I don’t think that Vampires really have to be invited in places I think they are just very polite.

If I were a Vampire I would get girls to go out with me when I stalked them instead of restraining orders.

If I were a Vampire I would have beautiful girl hair. Have you ever seen a Vampire without beautiful girl hair? I think not.

I wonder if Vampires have to play Russian roulette with a crossbow. That's a game you don't want to be picked to go first at.

If I were a Vampire I would probably have to move to Pennsylvania because I don't have a passport and it's the only other vania I know of.

The best way to break up with a girl

2009-09-16T08:47:00.000-07:00

Write a love letter to her with all of your feelings on it, explain why things need to end and how you are different people now and how it would be best if you parted ways. Wrap this letter around a brick and throw it through her window.

Pay a man in a fireman’s uniform to tell her you burned to death… then move.

Tell her you are a vampire and that she is tempting you to drink human blood again and that you must continue your eternal journey alone.

Two words witness protection.

The next time she asks you what you are thinking tell her, and don't hold back.

Nothing says it's over like a cake with the words "dump city" written in icing.

Steal her diary and in it write "today I got dumped but he is still really cool also I have mild amnesia."

How to fix your computer

2009-09-15T09:56:00.000-07:00

As an IT manager people often wonder how I know so much about computers. I have decided to share with all of you how I got and have kept my job for so long with this handy cheat sheet. (Clicking the image will make it larger)

This is how to decide what gaming system to buy

And for those of you who own a Mac here is a chart for you so you don't feel left out

The thoughts that kept me up last night.

2009-09-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

The most profound silence I have experienced so far is after letting one rip on the elevator with my boss, his wife, and a new client. It made my eyes water

If boredom was an international sport it probably wouldn't be very exciting to watch on t.v.

If I were an evil overlord and set a bomb to go off I would make it stop at 10 seconds so that the heroes would think they stopped it somehow and would laugh and exclaim how much they loved each other, then the real bomb would go off.

Why on all of the star trek shows when they get boarded by evil aliens did they not just beam those aliens into space? Maybe it looks better on a resume to say repelled alien invaders with phaser, instead of used brain. No body likes a smarty pants.

People often ask me how I have lived with insomnia for so long. I usually just tell them it's because bullets are pretty expensive these days.

I get the impression that the trail to Oregon was just littered with bodies that exploded from dysentery.

I was going to go buy some kind of motivational book today but then I would have to go all the way to the store and finish this senten....

How to look skinnier without pesky diet and exercise.

2009-09-10T06:39:00.000-07:00

Many people have asked me; Syden how do you look so great while eating that entire German chocolate cake? The answer is quite simple; I am simply sabotaging everyone around me. Like that girl in my office who eats nothing but rice cakes and low fat yogurt I come in early and soak those rice cakes in butter, lard, and sugar solution for about an hour then set to dry. She thinks they are delicious and she gained 28 pounds Walla! I look better already by comparison. Here are some simple tricks to never dieting and looking great in the crowd you’re in.

1. Black: Black is your friend it hides the rolls just make sure to be careful not to get to much cheeto dust on them. (For more about cheeto dust see how to survive a bank heist)

2. Ugly people: Choose ugly people to be seen with or at least incredibly uninteresting people this will make you look at feel great.

3. Eat yourself sick: You know how people are always talking about eating themselves sick. Actually do it. If you eat so much you actually throw up then technically you are not bulimic and you don’t half to worry about all those calories you just wrapped in bacon.

4. Undercutting: There are some people in this world that no matter how much they eat they always look great. Spread vicious untrue rumors about them around the office, or if you don’t have time in a public place while meeting new people. Quietly pull the new group aside and explain that your “friend” is retarded and has special needs. This will make you look like a caring friend and completely undermine anything that perfect jerk tries to say.

5. Project confidence while instilling discord: If you look confident while all around you people are upset and on the verge of a mental break down you look great. Also while others are in this frame of mind they tend to overeat and hate the world, which gives you a lunch partner.

Good luck and remember you are only as fat as your skinniest friend that is not retarded.

Mind pics

2009-09-09T07:02:00.000-07:00

I have scoured the web to find pictures that mess with the mind, huh actually they just kind of found me. Well anyways enjoy, you will need to click on them to see them full size. Answers at the bottom if you can't figure it out.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

1.The girl at the top has an upside down face features look at her more closely.
2.Top of the stairs
3.Middle upper left face in the tree branches looks like a black hobo
4.He is in the wall!!!!
5.Simple optical illusion when you look at any of the circles they stop spinning.
6.They are not sitting on anything.
7.Above his head and to the right blurred face in the trees.
8.Left bottom on the half wall scary girl like something.
9.Description says it all nothing to see here OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE!
10.Left and right of center they are guys with cones on their heads not missiles.
11.Below the red dot in the hole.
12.Just a gym with balloons, wait what the hell is THAT! Center left
13.Look at it from a distance, no seriously scoot back from your computer.
14.T-Rex in the clouds.
15.Face on the ear.
16.Entire right hand side is a face; after you see it you can’t not see it.

Staying positive

2009-09-08T06:06:00.000-07:00

I have been told my entire life that a positive attitude can change everything here are some tips on staying positive.

1. Practice smiling: I enjoy doing this when I get caught at a red light. Look at the guy next to you and practice your creepiest smile. You'd be surprised how much someone else's uncomfortableness can make you feel better.

2. Use positive language: Say things like "I'm positive that today is going to suck", and "you are positively the most horrifying individual I have ever met" that last one is best said to a stranger and not your boss.

3. Share the joy: Tell others how much better you are doing than they are, this will help cement the feeling that you are doing great.

4. Never say yes again: Instead of saying yes to things say, "I'm positive!" this is a great way to let others know that you are positive. Would you like fries with that? I'm Positive!

5. Times of doubt: When you are in times of doubt and despair and are having trouble staying positive do little things to remind yourself that you can stay positive forever. Pick up a sick prostitute from the bad side of town wait two days then go to the doctor. You my friends can have a trained medical professional then tell you that you are positive!

Just remember folks it's all about the attitude.

Syden's Random Thoughts

2009-09-04T06:45:00.000-07:00

Once it again it is time for another installment of Syden's random thoughts

Clowns are supposed to be funny but end up being scary. So you can see how when I painted your cat it was supposed to be amusing, not kill it.

I think you'll find that your razor is really dull and you need to shave for a super important meeting the cheese grater makes a poor substitute.

It is possible to fit a pool ball into an average sized mouth, it is not possible to take it out again without extreme effort because the jaw locks. Also it is hard to call for help when you swoundsw wike wlithhhh *followed by gentle muffled weeping*

I think if I was narcissistic that I would be the best narcissist ever I mean I would be so awesome.

I think that if I tree falls in the woods that it does make a sound, especially if it falls on a beaver.

If I could go back in time and warn myself about one thing it would be that most horrible of days I had. But I wouldn't use the argument I used last time because I didn't listen to me.

I think that if I owned a tamed raptor from the dinosaur era that knew all kinds of tricks like don't eat the neighbors, it would probably be a bad idea to feed it heavy narcotics... I'm just saying.

How to survive a bank heist

2009-09-02T06:28:00.000-07:00

If you ever find yourself in a bank that is being held up by criminals (possibly in Halloween masks of dead presidents) these are some simple tricks to help you through the ordeal.

1. Remain calm, but not too calm: They always say in crisis situations that you have to keep your wits about you. But if the robber is flailing a gun around then maybe he is going for a certain atmosphere or theme for his bank robbery. If you don't look scared he might just kill you because you are just ruining the mood he is trying to set. I recommend screaming like a little girl and weeping uncontrollably for about 20 seconds then collapsing to the floor in a heap. This will generally make the robber happy that you are contributing to the general feel of his robbery.

2. Be friendly, but not too friendly: If there happens to be a doughnut shop near by the police might just respond fast enough to turn your pleasant bank heist into a long drawn out ordeal. So if the bank robbers are going to be there for a while try and be friendly. Smile on occasion then look away, just like when looking that girl in junior high (but without the awkward panic attack.) If they strike up conversation with you keep it innocuous, talk about movies that where cool or how surfing is awesome. But there is a line, you don't want to become too friendly or when hostage time comes guess who they are going to take? Then your whole night is shot and you will have to try and get through the next day without anyone telling you what happened on Lost and you know that Nancy from accounting has a big mouth.

3. Look for opportunities: If the chance to do something arrives and you save the day you might just get enough fame to finally ask out that hot bank teller. And if it all goes horribly horribly wrong at least there might be a hot nurse in the hospital who will pity you. You can ask my last two girlfriends pity can be a powerful motivator especially when accompanied by a gun shot wound. Try and lull the robber into a false sense of security, at this point he has already seen you cry like a little girl and you have probably talked about how cool the new Star Trek movie was. He will start to trust you or pity you, and again pity is awesome. Tell him how cool his gun is for a while then and ask if you can see it. If this actually works point the gun at him and take control. But don't shoot him! That hot nurse can just as easily fall for a surly robber who was just down on his luck.

4. Cheeto fingers: Many times robbers go unconvicted because they are all wearing ski masks and they can't tell which convict did which crime. Help out your local police department by trying to touch one of the robbers with your cheeto encrusted fingers. I find that during the initial plea for my life while I am crying like a 6 year old school girl grabbing a pant leg and crying about my fake children that will go fatherless wont get you killed. Pistol whipped yes, killed no. Now many of you ask why do you have cheeto encrusted fingers in the first place? Be smart people it is a great way to identify things. If you had the remote first you have proof, if you want that jelly doughnut a single yellow orange finger print can claim it, and when it's time for the line up at the police station you just have to look for your mark to point out the would be robber. Cheetos are relatively inexpensive and a great time saver for claiming territory. (Note If you can't get your hands on cheetos I find that the powdered cheese in the Mac and Cheese box works as a substitute, if you lick your fingers before opening the pouch.)

5. Be prepared: By now you have learned how to stay alive, identify the criminal, possibly get a date, all while not missing your favorite t.v. show. But constant vigilance is the key to surviving a bank heist and that means being prepared. Try not to leave the house without cheeto fingers. Practice crying in front of the mirror so you can do it on queue (if you are having trouble with this one just remember how alone you are... so very alone, it works like a charm.) Make sure and stay up to date on pop culture and movies so you can talk to your assailant with ease. And remember if you plan on using a pen as a make shift weapon to stab the robber in the neck to save the day, that they are chained to the counter so first you have to get him to stand really close and possibly lay his head on the desk. Good luck out there.

Show reviews part II

2009-09-01T06:33:00.000-07:00

Family Guy: Mentally retarded father of three submits family to emotional and physical abuse to hide his rampant alcoholism.

How I met your Mother: 5 socially stunted friends spend all their free time in a bar.

General Hospital: A show not generally about a hospital.

Are you smarter than a 5th grader?: Probably not if you are watching this show

Dollhouse: Director Joss Whedon's experiment to see how far he can push fans before they literally tear him limb from limb. Also hotness from Eliza Dushku.

Mental: Doctor of psychology has self as patient.

America's got talent: Ironic title pokes fun at self.

Smallville: Teenager deals with changing body and mineral allergy.

Supernatural: Brothers forced to work together to run family business.

Reaper: Man works diligently to pay back loan.

CSI: In depth look at how to get away with future crimes.

Dexter: Blood analyst looks for new samples.

Why I hated School

2009-08-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

I can’t do any kind of alphabetizing without singing that stupid song over and over again.

I often wonder why George Washington cut down a cherry tree just to prove that he wouldn’t lie about it, but at the same time it makes me think of him as an axe wielding psycho with a blood lust for sap with trophies of his exploits like his wooden teeth. (Side note: History teachers do not like it when you question them on things like this.)

Recess was my first experience with gang rivalry.

I am still upset about having to learn cursive just to sign my damn name on a check.

My Major in College was theater (I don’t know why either) I never taken a single computer class... I am an IT manager.

The closest application I have come to using art appreciation is laughing at something scrawled on a bathroom wall.

Teachers always told me there was no extra credit in real life. The careful application of a Christmas gift with a steady stream of butt kissing is exactly like extra credit.

Success is not 99% sweat 1% talent. It is in fact 20% work, 79% who your Dad’s friends are, oh and 1% talent if you actually got the job on merit.

I am still waiting to use the calculus I was told I would need later in life.

The Franken Pickle

2009-08-28T06:17:00.000-07:00

A long time ago a struggling farmer in brokeandpoor'istan decided that his cucumbers did not have the shelf life they needed to get him through the harsh winter. Why did he grow cucumbers when there are better tastier things to grow no one knows. Anyways he used his knowledge of unholy science (graduated magnum come laudy from unholy University or Evil U) to infuse the cucumber with the essence of undeath and of course dill for flavor. And thus the pickle was formed using this dark ritual of sucking life from an object using brine, this gave the young farmer sadistic ideas. Now this farmer of fragrant death did so well tricking the locals into buying his sacrilicious forbidden fruit that he was eventually able to buy a castle and by proxy terrorizing the peasants which was the custom of the day. (Like when you live in Malibu California you are expected to talk like a moron, same thing in brokeandpoor'istan but you terrorize peasants.) The pungent fumes of distinct distilled death hung about the town like the eking ooze of an overfull sewer in spring time. No one could stand the new land owner except a large mentally challenged boy who was born without a sense of smell. He worked for the new lord in his defunct factory all the day long. But the farmer, turned lord, turned terrorizer, turned evil scientist demanded more. He hatch a cleaver scheme and employed his Knowledge to turn the large retarded boy into an untiring slave (Go Evil U home of the flying monkey mascot.) So he took the boy and threw him into the pickle vat and drained him of life, then added dill for flavor. The boy emerge a very stinky monster enraged and upset (mostly because he couldn't get that nasty taste out of his mouth.) He raged forth into the town and upon seeing their large slow child now pickled beast from beyond, they set forth and killed the lord and destroyed all that was left of his laboratory. Thus destroying the formula for pickles forever! Or so they thought but the Lord had sent the formula to his alma mater Evil U and they published it in the "were are they now" magazine. And that's why I didn't go to my 10 year high school reunion... No wait different story sorry. And that's why I don't like pickles. Because they are made from retarded children and the shattered dreams of oppressed villagers with just a hint of dill.

The worst ideas I have had for blogs so far

2009-08-27T07:52:00.000-07:00

When trying to come up with something amusing everyday to blog about sometimes you just run out of ideas. But on the other hand I do have scruples here are some of the topics that got thrown out.

1. Blogging: Who wants to read a blog about blogging, wait forget you read this one.

2. The joys of abstinence: I tried to convince myself that it was joyful not getting any, but then I started crying uncontrollably.

3. Popcorn: After butter and salt I started thinking about going to movies alone then the joys of abstinence and started crying again.

4. Being Nice to people: I just honestly couldn't think of anything to say so I didn't say anything at all

5. Why I hate pickles: I might do this one on a 'desperate for ideas' day in the future but I figured who the hell cares.

6. The Worst ideas I have had for blogs so far: oh um well it's a slow day

7. What it's like to get a good nights sleep: I tried for hours but had no real life comparisons so I gave up.

8. Blank page: I tried but it wouldn't let me publish it for some reason

9. 10 best blogs: Then I thought I shouldn't tell you because then you might not read mine anymore

10. The top 10 reasons women wont date me: I figure if they read any of my previous posts this just becomes redundant.

A plea to the masses stop the insanity

2009-08-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

We live in troubled times the banks aren't secure, there is a constant threat of terrorism, job loss is at an all time high, and sometimes when I put one of those new air fresheners in my car that looks like a tree I can only smell it for like a day. And in this turbulent time we look to make it worse I am talking of course of chain letters. Let me set a few things straight.

1. Bill gates will never give you money for anything he will actually bleed you dry and swim in your blood while he makes you try and use vista before he would consider giving you money. Then he would sell your organs.

2. There is no virus that will burn a hole in your hard drive. Seriously people burn a hole in your hard drive? Is the virus made out of magnesium and ignites when you open the email? If that's the case the inventor of the virus deserves a medal or grant or something for figuring out how to bend the laws of physics and send solid matter through email.

3. Norton Anti-virus is not gearing up for a big virus. What do you think that they hear through the virus grape vine that there is a new contender in town and start a massive undertaking with special troops dressed in ninja outfits? No that's their job they are nerds sitting in a basement fixing stuff so stop thinking of them as elite commandos out for blood.

4. A funny picture will never move if you send this email to three people. What the hell is wrong with you people? Do you think that the email knows magically when you send it on then lovingly grants you your grandest desires? No, so stop sending me this crap

5. You will not have bad luck if you don't send this to seven people if anything you will have good luck for not sending it at all. If you ever get one of these send it back seven times to the person who sent it with a death threat attached if you can.

6. This is real people it was check out by snopes.com. Snopes is awesome for debunking rumors and hoaxes I uses them often. Just because an email has this on it doesn't mean a damned thing! Check your facts before you send it. I recommend actually using snopes.com. (you people make me cry inside sometimes.)

7. Political opinions, religious opinions, and cute pictures of kittens should not be sent to every person on your contacts list. Ever stop to think my opinion might be different than yours, and what you sent was actually pretty offensive? Especially those damned Kittens!!! I don't want to see them frolicking about with quotes that says "look they think they're people." And if you get a response from me and I have edited and put little Hitler mustaches on all of your kitties or taken them off of political leaders don't freak out if you want my actual opinion I will give it to you.

8. Funny haha I love funny emails but know your audience. The send to all email is not for everyone. This is how spammers get lots of new email addresses ever day just one of these intercepted emails has like 50 new names on it. You know why? You forwarded a forward of a forward of a forward. At least have the decency to clean it up a bit before you send it on.

9. When you misspell a word it shows up in red. Now I am not the king of spelling anyone reading any of my posts will know that instantly, but if it's burning red at you just look at the suggestions for spelling please. I catn taek thiss craap anymores

10. Just stop the insanity. If you want to know what's what, the internet is a great tool. But it is also full of idiots on an idiotic rampage unwittingly trying to destroy the world by a combination of shock, awe, and chain letters. Don't participate in the mayhem I am begging you.

Show reviews

2009-08-25T06:19:00.000-07:00

I watch a lot of T.V. while not sleeping and I thought a synopsis of some of the shows I saw this season might be helpfull.

House: Strung out narcissistic Doctor repeatedly misdiagnoses patients with the help of supposedly qualified team until harassed by under dressed chief of medicine who he mocks then figures it all out.

30 Rock: The brave story of mentally handicapped actors and their attempt to make a show.

Bones: Socially retarded bone expert makes FBI agent sexually frustrated.

Prison Break: If you missed season 1 there is now no actual prison.

Terminator the Sarah Connor Chronicles: Over protective mom prepares son for possible future in army.

Lost: Gilligan's Island remake if Gilligan crash landed in a plane, the skipper was an insane balding knife enthusiast, and Marry Anne was a homicidal tease with daddy issues.

Castle: Writer uses wealth to hinder police investigations while hunting for tail.

Better off Ted: Realistic look at business today.

The office: Failing paper company makes ends meet by working less.

Dancing with the stars: B actors crave spot light sometimes hurt selves.

Heroes: Watch as we give special powers to average people only to take them away over and over and over again.

My thoughts about things

2009-08-21T06:50:00.000-07:00

Global Warming: I think its a good thing because I was a bit chilly this morning.

Gay Marriage: I know most people wont touch this with a ten foot pole but I think that gays should have the right to get half their stuff taken away by an upset ex. Also with common law marriage laws in some states it would be funny to tell roommates that they have been living together for a year and now they are legally married.

Cheese Graters: Love em' how else are you going to make super delicious nachos?

President Barack Obama: If all the rumors are to be believed he is the Savior, the anti Christ, Going to kill old people, going to save old people, American, Islamic, Related to Hussein, Not black, extra black, and in a conspiracy to destroy/save American life as we know it. Now if all these things are true and both sides seem to think they are then he will implode any day now because all forces are in exact equidistant proportion and the slightest breeze will cause an intimidate implosion followed by the creation of a Black hole (no puns of any kind intended).

Health Care: Now if I am reading the news all the crazies are saying that this new health care bill will kill all old people and are outraged by it. The opposing side is denying this, so the only thing they seem to agree on is that killing old people is bad. But have they given this serious thought? If we in fact start offing old people then we don't have to worry so much about medicare, population control, and that one guy who goes 22 miles an hour on the freeway. The downside is that the mothball industry will take a serious hit as well as the butterscotch hard candy districts and Matlock reruns will have to be stopped immediately.

Blogging: If these thoughts did not get down somewhere I think I would probably have gone crazy a long time ago... Well crazier.

Total eclipse of the random Thursdays

2009-08-20T06:01:00.000-07:00

A friend set me up on a date the other day. It didn't work out because we were looking for different things. She was looking for a better looking guy and I was looking for a girl with really low standards.

My area doesn't have a neighborhood watch program. So I decided to get a good buzz going. I would leave notes on random peoples windows that says 'I'm Watching you!' It worked great I even got the police involved in patrolling our street, and knocking on doors, and arresting old Mr. Johnson. Hmm.... Maybe I shouldn't have used his stationary.

I think that if God was an abusive drunken hillbilly you would be his finest achievement and he would be so proud of you. But He's not so.... ya.

Ever wonder if numbers have feelings and hopes and dreams and when they get multiplied it's kind of like them getting married and having children? And when they get divided it's like numbers going to war and getting horribly wounded and having to have a leg amputated then come home to an unforgiving family that never looks at him the same way again? Ya I don't think about that stuff either.

The Best places to find girls

2009-08-19T06:11:00.000-07:00

I can never seem to find girls so I have compiled a list of all the new places I can look.

1. Homeless shelters: Sure they may be stinky and have bad teeth but they don't run that fast because they are malnourished.

2. Graveyards: Not only do you get to see them all dressed up you get to see how bad they are going to cry at things. (Side note: the available ones are the ones in black next to the shinny box.)

3. Animal shelters: Girls are a sucker for puppies and kitties and stuff so if you threaten to harm them unless they go out with you they will have no choice.

4. Protests: It doesn't matter what they are protesting just pretend to be as passionate as they are. Then talk about "the man" a lot then ask them to go and get a bite to eat so you can share your red hot anger at stuff and things. (Note: this does not work at feminist rallies and you may end up with a broken pelvis.)

5. PTA Meetings: Pretend to be a hard up Dad with so much love for your dead wife and talk about how hard it is being all alone with a kid. (Note: this only works if you like chicks with kids. P.S. this may end poorly and with your arrest if you are found hanging out around high schools trying to find out when the next PTA meeting is.)

6. All girl colleges: Dress up like a girl, make friends, get invited to a slumber party, start a pillow fight. I am almost positive that every girl pillow fight end up with girls kissing. (Note: Please don't take this one away from me it's all I have.)

7. 3:00 AM Crispy Cream Donuts: Not only while you are waiting do you get to eat delicious donuts but any girl who shows up at 3:00 AM for a double twisty goo cruller is in desperate need of attention.

8. Prison: Sure they may have been locked up for stabbing their boyfriend with an ice pick 37 times but while they are incarcerated you get to control the amount of time you spend with them. Plus I have a friend who is a guard there and he can tell me which ones might physically harm me. (Note: I talked to my "friend" who is a guard is a big baby and wont have any part in this. Something about loosing his job and how I am insane blah blah blah!)

9. Department of Motor Vehicles: Wait for a crazy long line stand in it till you get a great spot then pretend to know the pretty girl that walks in and hopefully she will play along to get a spot in line. Not only will she see what a great line stander inner you are but you get to pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend for a while. (Note: these relationships only last about 2 hours and usually end in the "why the hell where you standing in this line in the first place conversation" to which I still have no answer and usually talk about yacht licensing till they see I am full of crap and leave me.)

10. Clinics: I am not sure what type of clinic it was but I know that most of the girls came out crying and in need of a hug. It was a gold mine.

Things I was Promised

2009-08-18T06:06:00.000-07:00

Things That I was Promised but never got

1. Flying Car: I crash every car on the ground and that it has been deemed a safety violation for me to even be in a moving vehicle so I need the sky as a more open less oppressive place to drive.

2. A robot: I realized that robots like the terminator make us fear that if we make a robot really intelligent it will realize we are its inferiors and destroy mankind. But it would be really cool to have one until that happened.

3. Jet Packs: See flying cars

4. Holodecks: Like from star trek. How about any holo technology at all. I would settle for virtual reality head sets but no. Like the robots the holo programs could become intelligent and try and take us over. But unlike the robots they have to stay in the holo room and I am guessing that 90% of all holo programs would just be hot girls in skimpy cloths anyways, and I don't think I would mind them taking over.

5. Transporter technology: I once thought my microwave was a transporter and put a frog in there an set it so that he could go to the pond. When I ran down to the pond sure enough there was a frog and when I got home my mom got mad and made me clean the microwave. I told her that it was a new transporter so of course it would make a bit of a mess but there was defiantly nothing resembling a frog in there so I am pretty sure it worked.

6. Space travel: I can't go to the moon for a pleasingly vacation weekend. In fact they don't even send professionals to the moon anymore I understand that once you have cruised the sea of tranquility on a lunar scooter it's all pretty much down hill, but you could pretend that the billions we pay to NASA is going somewhere.

7. X-ray specs: These would only be used for nefarious deeds but still I thought they were on the horizon at least. And if I had a pair I wouldn't need to look so hard for that pesky Adams apple.

8. A girl friend: This is not one of those long term they promised this to my parents in the 70's and now I don't have it, but I got on one of those internet dating sites and they promised me a girl friend.

9. 401k Security: "Investing in this is the smartest thing you can do for your future" they said. Lame.

10. Healthy food that tastes good: Ok this is one that they have been promising since like forever in every future ever all your nutrition is in the form of really tasty food. BUT NO! healthy food still tastes like crap.

My letter to PETA

2009-08-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

Dear PETA,

I saw yet another angry outburst from your organization the other day in the news. Which angry outburst? I can't be sure they all kind of blend together into one mass of crazy. That I tend to put in the same category as children hissy fits and feminists that scream about "man hole covers" means that the cities of the world are sexist. But it got me to worrying about your members since you always seem to be screaming and are never happy unless you are putting out sexually provocative adds about celery and something about naked women who don't like fur. Which is funny if you think about it because of all of those feminists who also belong to PETA and don't shave send the wrong message about fur being bad, but I digress. I was worried because you always seem to be so cranky. It is my understanding that you don't like tasty tasty meat products (to each his own) and I think you may be suffering from Protein deficiency.

Here is the definition: Protein deficiency is a serious cause of ill health and death in developing countries. Protein deficiency plays a part in the disease kwashiorkor. Protein deficiency can lead to reduced intelligence or mental retardation. Now I am not trying to say that all members of PETA are mentally retarded but then I looked a little further and found this

Mental retardation: A term used when a person has certain limitations in mental functioning and in skills such as communicating, taking care of him or herself, and social skills. These limitations will cause a child to learn and develop more slowly than a typical child. Children with mental retardation may take longer to learn to speak, walk, and take care of their personal needs such as dressing or eating. They are likely to have trouble learning in school. They will learn, but it will take them longer. There may be some things they cannot learn.

So if I am reading this right, and I think I am when you decided to stop eating meat you lost the basic ability to communicate, you developed eating deficiencies, and you started yelling at the world for not understanding. But that's not your fault because your social skills are being affected. And you think that yelling at everyone all the time for not agreeing with you is just your cute little way of trying to get attention. Now yelling isn't the best way to get what you want but it's ok because you take longer to learn things like that now. And I finally understand the anti fur campaign is that just because you are having trouble dressing yourselves? Or is it because it looks like a scary Monster? Don't worry it can't hurt you and if you need help getting dressed there are all kinds of facilities that can teach people with your special needs how to get on those hard coat sleeves and really difficult things like tying your shoes. What am I saying you probably can't understand me but that's ok PETA because I now understand that there are just some things that you can not learn.

10 reasons to feel pretty

2009-08-13T06:56:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those morning where you wake up and no matter how you look at it you just feel like crap you look like crap and nothing in this world can help? Here are a few things that might cheer you up.

1. Fat people are hard to kidnap. So you probably don't have to ever worry about that one.

2. Pretty people are constantly being harassed by non pretty people which means that today at least you will not be harassed.

3. Sweatpants are very comfortable and that hole in the crotch makes it nice and breezy. Why is it that every pair of sweatpants in the world has a hole in the crotch?

4. You are probably going to get to eat some kind of cake tonight. Cake is for celebrations and for self loathing. So really it's a celebration of self loathing.

5. Odds are no one at all cares enough about you to care what you look like. Does that help at all?

6. You have to believe in yourself when no one else does. Like now for example.

7. If you do get anything all done today besides baking yourself a loathing cake you will probably be praised for it in that 'one' tone "Hey way to go man. I knew you could do it if you put your mind to it, you went to the grocery store all by yourself, great job." You know the tone I am talking about. The one you use in the room when grandma is dying and you are talking to a particularly slow kid.

8. When you finally do get around to bathing yourself you will probably find that gummy bear you lost down your shirt.

9. No matter how ugly you are you can always go to Walmart and feel just a little better about yourself. Or bad for humanity, but you decided.

10. You are pretty on the inside, I have no proof but I am assuming against better judgment.

Totally random and sort of conspiracy related

2009-08-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

Global warming is a conspiracy by Women who are chilly and don't want to wear that unflattering sweater.

Hospitals are open 24/7 so why does it take 5 days to get a test done? Because I am sure there is only one actual doctor and 900 interns.

The "failed economy" is just a plan to fight immigration we figure if it gets bad enough here maybe people will just go home. This has been in beta in the state of Texas for the past 75 years.

Fat people are the new majority. hehe get it.

New politics idea. Take all the left wing liberals and the right wing nut jobs and lock them in a room without food or water. I am guessing the entire political system will stabilize in about 5 years.

New study shows that 6 out of 5 women are bad at math.

Congratulations to Colgate the 5th dentist caved and now they are all recommending brushing your damn teeth. (This comment made after a meeting with someone with bad breath)

Why you Women don’t understand us men

2009-08-11T10:55:00.000-07:00

It finally clicked the other day why women don’t understand us men. And I know there have been articles and studies done on the subject. Probably millions of dollars sunk into understanding the delicate ego that is the male mind. Well guess what, those studies where done by women. (Also while reading this article if you do it in your best Zapp Brannigan voice from Futurama it helps drive the point home) They couldn’t possibly understand the complexities of the man’s man or even better the man’s man’s man.
Let me break it down for you.
While you women where playing with my little ponies us men where playing with G.I. Joes. Now would you 20 years later want to go see a my little ponies movie? No, that’s stupid. Would I want to go see a G.I. Joes movie? I am going again in twenty minutes.
You used to play tea party with your little dollies. Sure you can do that now but it’s boring your friends that like tea are pretentious. I used to play in the mud with my toys. I still play in the mud with my toys the only difference is my toys are cooler now.
It even comes down to food as a child you liked hot dogs cut up in Mac and cheese now you like salad and healthy crap. I also liked hot dogs in Mac and cheese and I just had it for lunch. The only reason I didn’t have steak is because it takes to long to cook, and I didn’t have a woman to cook it for me. So while you are changing year to year us men are staying the same. Stop looking for our subtitle changing ways you knew us when we where 5 and we are pretty much the same the only difference is you don’t have as many cooties now.

Things I learned while being sick

2009-08-10T06:45:00.000-07:00

There are a few things you learn by being sick that you just can't learn any other time in your life. Like how many times will a nurse stick you with a needle without hitting a vein before she apologizes? How much will that doctor that stuck his head into your room and never actually spoke directly to you end up charging you? And my favorite how many times will you be asked "hey how you feeling?" before you completely flip out? I decided to share some of these secrets with you so that you don't have to wonder anymore.

How many times will a nurse stick you before she apologizes? In my experience it takes 9 miss pokes before you get the "I'm sorry" then when she finally hits the vein she will look at you and expect immediate praise. I recommend giving it to her because you never know if she will be the same nurse later that makes you pee into 30 to 40 cups. I believe if you say thank you, you only have to pee into 2 cups.

How many cups will you be asked to pee into before they realize that they asked you not to eat or drink passed midnight and you are completely empty? 2 unless you didn't say thank you then 30 to 40.

How many times will you be asked the exact same personal information in one day? How many people did you see wearing scrubs this is the answer.

How much will that doctor that didn't actually speak to you end up charging you? 7 to 8 hundred dollars or 100 dollars a second or 50 dollars a word.

How many times will you have to go to the doctor/hospital before you have a diagnosis? I am up to 10 I'll let you know when I have a diagnosis.

How many times will someone ask you "hey how you feeling?" before you just flip out and start what will later be know as the worst killing spree in history? Just ask me one more time and find out.

Guest Blogger

2009-07-30T06:39:00.000-07:00

Poor Syden is down and out for the count for a few day (do not fear, he will return) and in the meantime has graciously allowed me to mess around with his blog. Being his sister (and favorite sibling) I hung out with Syden a lot growing up. As some of you might have guessed by now he and his friends occasionally played RPG games. I remember well that the pool table downstairs made for an excellent space to fill up with dice, large books with names like Monster Manuel on the cover, and snack foods. In all the time I hung around and watched I only ever played maybe twice. I did pick up a few things though that I like to apply to everyday life.

1. You can have strength, dexterity, wisdom, and intelligence but without charisma no one will actually like you.
2. There are some out there who have no strength, dexterity, wisdom, or intelligence and still manage to have charisma. In other words no matter how weak, inexperienced, stupid or clumsy you are you can still be likeable.
3. Feed the DM. If he isn't happy then no one is happy.
4. If the wizard annoys you, steal his spellbook.
5. Figure out your enemies weakness. And never shoot a skeleton with arrows.
6. If others figure out your weakness then you will be defeated. (And end up buying that kitchen tool the telemarker said you had to have)
7. Campaigns can last a long, long time.
8. Dice do not have to be six sided.
9. Risks can pay off....sometimes.
10. Figurines hurt when you step on them.
11. Your 15 level chaotic elf can sometimes get the snot kicked out of him by a little girl.
12. Not everything is what it seems.
13. Do not drink the unmarked bottle. Even if you think it just might be that healing potion you really need.
14. Do not wake up sleeping dragons.
15. Do not play RPG games with Syden. He has an uncanny ability to roll high.

Kidney Stones part II Return of the stone

2009-07-27T17:28:00.000-07:00

I have kidney stones again I haven't been feeling particularly funny lately writhing in agony so I am taking a small break from blogging until it passes. Thanks for reading and to my loyal minions I'll be back soon.

Fan Fiction

2009-07-22T05:59:00.000-07:00

One of the more enjoyable things in life is when I am having a completely normal conversation with someone which steers naturally into what kind of books or movies we both like and ends with a 9 hour discussion about this persons insane fan fiction. Sure I like to come home from the Transformers movie and imagine how cool it would be to have a robot car that I never had to fill with gas for the trade off of mild radiation poisoning. But to write a 30 page story about how BumbleBee is in love with me and is really a girl robot and how he transforms into the best lover you've ever had, well... that's literally insane. No seriously, I looked it up
Insane: Traditionally, insanity, craziness or madness is the behavior whereby a person flouts societal norms and may become a danger to themselves and others.
You flouted social norms by thinking it was ok to tell me about your sexual fantasy involving a robot car, and endangered yourself by not realizing that I might beat the crap out of you for telling me in great detail about it for 9 hours = insane. You then endangered me by giving me the equivalent of a brain colonic whereby I almost had an aneurysm. Now I have always considered myself nerdy beyond all reason. I enjoy D&D, play World of Warcraft, am an IT Manager, write a blog, and have seen every episode of every Star Trek ever. I however draw the line at dressing up like a moron and flaunting my geekdom with a homemade sword and elf ears. OK that one time I made a foam sword and played battleguard in the backyard BUT I DID NOT WEAR STICK ON EARS. (That sentence right there will keep me out of politics forever) But people if you like an idea write about it but please keep your insanity bottled up deep inside like the rest of us. I am generally against the death penalty but if I have to sit through one more discussion about How Gandalf could in fact be your grandfather because you were adopted and you have strange magical powers I might just have to inject you myself. I'll give you this you do have the power to make me feel normal you freaking psycho.

Under the weather

2009-07-21T09:51:00.000-07:00

Not feeling great today so here are some funny pictures to tide you over. Click to enlarge if you can't read them.

Bored at 4 am

2009-07-20T04:50:00.001-07:00

So around 3:30 this morning I got bored trying to sleep I rolled over and laid there for another half hour before deciding to start my day. Now I don't know if anyone else has felt this peculiar sensation before where you are so tired that you could actually cry but can't sleep and it literally bores you to try. So now after lolly gagging around the house (that's right I can lolly gag with the best of them) I decided to come to work a few hours early for no other reason than I had nothing better to do. In the past I have come up with interesting things to do at 4am but that was when I had a roommate in the same room as me to torment, there was a t.v. show I hadn't watched yet, or my laundry needed doing. So now I am looking for suggestions from any of you. What do you do at 4am when you can't sleep. My sock puppet show is the most requested but I am tired of doing it for just me as an audience, last time I clap when it was over and killed two of my favorite sock puppets may they rest in peace.

Things that don't make sense to me

2009-07-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

Sayings that don't make sense at all:

Sub par: Coined from a golf term par is the amount of strokes you get to get the ball in the hole. If something is sub par or under par then that should be a good thing. So when I told that girl that she looked sub par yesterday she should have taken it as a compliment. Instead of kicking me in the crotch on the elevator.

Irregardless: If something is irregardless then it is not regardless but they are supposed to mean the same damned thing. I am going to start saying irregrettable and see if it catches on.

Have your cake and eat it to: Am I stealing cake to eat? Of course I am going to eat my own cake.

The whole nine yards: What the hell is measured in nine yards? In football you would be one yard short. Seriously why would I go nine yards.

There is more than one way to skin a cat: .......Um that's nice Joe I am going to call the police and tell them you are torturing animals again.

Slept like I baby: Babies sleep for about two hours wet themselves and cry. Ok I guess I did sleep like a baby.

Other random things I think about:

If quizes are quizzical what are tests?

Why does my toaster have a setting that would make a charcoal briquett

Corn oil is made from corn vegetable oil is made from vegetables we need to stop the production of baby oil immediately!!

Einstein theorized that nothing could reach the speed of light, I give you the speed of darkness.

My bank charged me money for having no money in my account I think they will be shocked when I can't pay them.

Hemorrhoids and asteroids should switch names, also crabs will now be called cockroaches.

Why are slow children crossing so many streets?

I wonder what the braille at the drive up atm says? Lets do the top 5
5. You have no idea how lost you are right now.
4. You are about to be hit by a car.
3. Seriously I mean seriously you shouldn't be driving!
2. Get a new seeing eye dog this on is retarded.
1. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Ok enough random for today

What kind of vampire is your new boyfriend?

2009-07-14T05:54:00.000-07:00

With the recent upswing of vampire culture out there I'd bet that a lot of you gals out there want to know how to tell what kind of Vampire your new boyfriend is.

1. Does he drink your blood and leave you for dead? This is a sign of a bad vampire.

2. Does he sparkle in the sunlight? This is an indication of a gay vampire who used to much body glitter.

3. Does he show up in your room while you are sleeping and stare at you creepily? While this might seem romantic to some of you lunatics out there he is stalking you much as a wolf stalks food. This is a stalker Vampire.

4. Did he make you give up your college options to "be with him forever" even though he doesn't have a job? This is a trailer park vampire the house he took you isn't his he was squatting in while the tenants where away for the summer. All he wants to do is leave you knocked up with vampire spawn and leach off your bank account.

5. Is he over 100 or even over 35 years old? Think about it this. Dude is a total perv vampire you are like 16.

6. Is he cold and clammy to the touch? This is a sick vampire don't touch him he probably has the clap.

7. Did your supposed vampire live through the civil war? Maybe you should ask him some history questions and see if he knows anything at all or if he is a goth who is hard up for a prom date. This is a fake Vampire.

8. Did your new vampire boyfriend put you in between a three way war between Werewolves, bad vampires, and himself? This is a douche vampire make him settle the score before you start dating.

9. Has he ever indicated that he wants you to be his eternal bride before he has even had a conversation with you? This is a Model hunting vampire sure its nice to know that you are cute and all but in 50 years when the shine wears off your eternal apple he is going to find a new child bride to creep it up with.

10. Does he burst into flames when confronted with a cross, sunlight, fire, or when stepping on holy ground? This might be a keeper at least you have an insurance policy if he starts cheating on you or tries to steal your soul. We will call this one a controllable vampire.

I hope this helps you in your dating prospects.

Something random for your Monday

2009-07-13T05:52:00.001-07:00

I went to take a bath this weekend to ease some sore muscles. When the water was about half full I put my left hand in, it was to hot so I took it out immediately and changed the settings. About 2 minutes later I went to check again, my left hand still a bit shy I put my right hand in. The water was just right so I put my right hand out and shook the water off. At this point I figured I would turn myself around because that's what it's all about. HOKEY POKEY!

I think that the army calling its cloths "fatigues" is sending the wrong message from now on they will be known as "awares" or maybe "wideawakes" or even "Don'teventryitIwilldestroyyourwholecountrywiththepushofabutton pants."

While driving I like to imagine what all the people I see are doing. That guy is taking his dog on a death march, That Girl is on her way to break up with her boyfriend, Those two guys are putting that girl in the front seat of that van and she looks dead...... That last one is actually true I might be contacted by the police any day now.

Nail biting

2009-07-10T06:11:00.000-07:00

I recently read about gateway drugs and sometimes gateway eating. A gateway drug is like when you smoke pot then you have to do crack next to get that same sensation. Gateway eating is when you have a bread stick then have to have a slice of pizza. So what happens when you bite your nails? Do you ever finish biting those nails and think man I could go for some finger food right now? Sure licking some barbecue sauce a stray index finger is fine. But you need to know when to stop, and Cannibalism is never ok. Sure you may get going on a really nasty hang nail and think hey maybe I should kill my neighbor and grill him with up some pineapple mango sauce. But the answer is no! Sure he might be tender and delicious but that doesn't give you the right to marinate him in a red wine medley and slow roast him for a Sunday brunch that's just not ok. So try and think next time you decide to bite your nails that maybe just maybe you wont be able to stop with just one bite. You sick freak.

Contra The Later Years

2009-07-09T06:12:00.000-07:00

In a rare tell all interview with the red guy:

As the 'guy in red pants' I was secondary to the 'guy in blue pants' I will never forget that day why did I decide to wear red pants WHY!

Why was it so hard to be the guy in red pants Commander?
You just don't understand as the guy in red I was expected to be the bottom guy, the one in the trenches swimming across motes as bridges exploded above me. Then there was the supply blimps.

What was so important about the supply blimps?
What was so important! What was so important! That was the guns man! The key to our survival but the Blue guy got them all! The Spread, the machine gun all of them! I was left to the single shot crap rifle! He kept insisting that I would get the next one but no! Oh I got that last one on accident how do you accidentally equip yourself with a new gun!!!

Commander Calm down please
Calm down! Calm down! WHY where we even there man? They just dropped us in the freaking jungle and guys where shooting at us like they knew we where coming it was some kind of sick joke.

Well its not like it was that hard with the code you know the up, down, left, right..
DON'T YOU SIT THERE AND SPIT CODE AT ME!!! Don't you think I know the code!? But you don't understand it's like crack man once you use the code you can't un use it. You find that you need it you can't do the missions without it. Its got a hold on you. You find yourself doing it every mission before the action even starts you start coding up. So do sit there and tell me it was easy! I spent 7 years in rehab to get rid of my code addiction.

I'm sorry I didn't know
Well you outta know man, you outta.

After that he spent 4 hours crying trying to hit select start

Topics to avoid durring a massage

2009-07-08T07:34:00.000-07:00

I get massages about once a month to help me deal with the no sleep and stress of the job. I figure that they must be pretty bored standing in a dimly lit room with a nude stranger in a towel listening to the same Enya song for the 30th time that day, so I try and make small talk. And with a bit of experience I have come up with a list of topics to avoid while professionally trained strangers poke at your highly sensitive pressure points.

1. Why they didn't get a job where they don't have to touch naked strangers while listening to Enya.

2. How often they have thought about killing a massage patient and hiding the body.

3. Anything to do with the little mermaid. (Don't ask)

4. Ranting about the music and how boring it is. This is a fact they are highly aware of and have most likely tuned out. Bringing this to their attention tends to open old forgotten issues and makes them want to hurt you.

5. Dead pets and why they miss them.

6. Why the name fluffy is a stupid name for a dead pet and why you think it probably deserved to die.

7. Never ask: "Have you ever made anyone cry with those mannish hands?" (this was a woman therapist)

8. For some reason I decided to talk about lemmings and how they where the predecessor to the suicide bomber (what!? I get bored sometimes)little did I know her husband was in Iraq. But you can make them blow themselves up you know.... the lemmings, I'm still talking about the lemmings.

9. How the game of tick tack toe is a lost art. This conversation has no where to go and will eventually lead you down the road of lemmings with suicidal tendencies.

10. And finally and most crucially never ever talk about massages from better massage therapists. Not only is it insulting it will as most of my massages do, only end it tears.

I think I might just start pretending to be mute of course if they know sign language all I know how to say is how 'bout those lemmings.

How to mock people and make enemies

2009-07-06T21:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's hard to see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Not because it's really far away but because it is guarded by a malicious leprechaun with a foot fetish and a hankering for human flesh. Sure he seems jolly but that's because he has a new sniper rifle and a cereal endorsement. So when the little fella gets you down and you can't seem to get to your gold do what I do. Mock others.

Step one: Know your target
You can just mock people at random but random acts of mockery generally go unnoticed in today's society. Try and find someone you know, however casually because when you are verbally assaulted by a friend it tends to hurt more.

Step Two: The Material
Don't pick something obvious like calling a fat person fat. They expect it. They have probably been fat for a very long time and have heard or thought about themselves far worse than your tiny brain can come up with. Calling them stupid on the other hand might just stick the landing.

Step Three: Advanced Mocking
The steps so far have been more like school yard bullying they are good stepping stones to advanced mocking but can easily be cast aside in today's bleak existence. If you really want to mock from the heart you have to be subtle. They have to think for a fleeting moment that you are actually trying to help them, before realizing that this is in fact a set up to a really great mocking. Let it sink in deep, let them come the realization slowly that they have been a complete and total moron and have been called on it. This will make they payoff so much more sweet and just might make it possible for you to get through your Tuesday. You know what? Never mind. Just forget it, you will probably just screw it up anyways.

Step Four: Not really a step but an afterthought
Remember to keep your head down as you army crawl towards the finish line memorizing what all those marshmallow shapes are, (don't forget the red balloons it could save your life) and take heart that there are people out there far worse off than you. Except you Dan you just suck. (Note if no Dan reads this please replace your own name with 'Dan' should you also suck. You know who you are!)

Declaration of Independence 1st draft

2009-07-05T23:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Thomas,
About the first draft of the Screw you England! Manifesto. We have some minor changes that we would like to see nothing major. The first section were you talk about everyone being equal maybe instead of "British Nancy boys need not apply" perhaps we could change it to all men are created equal. The title needs some work Instead of a manifesto we could make it a declaration and something about liberty or something. Um lets just scratch the whole 3 pages about King George III's mother and keep it on task. And why the hell is it so wordy? I mean half the people in the colonies can't read and the other half give up two paragraphs in. Don't think I didn't see the part that Washington snuck in near the end about becoming supreme ruler of the universe and everyone being required to wear white wigs. (whats that all about?) I put it to a vote and he is off the project his shenanigans and tendency to run away in combat wearing tights has not impressed the rest of the committee. Also tell John Hancock when we redo the next draft that his name is WAY to small I couldn't even read it tell him to man up already. And finally Tom try to write a little more legibly this time. Thanks

P.S. I just got a note from Washington he said that if we change his part then he isn't going to sign it. What a baby.

Blind date translation guide

2009-07-01T22:37:00.000-07:00

When you are going to be set up by a friend here is a handy translation guide.

Sweet spirit: Needs to be buttered before going through a door (may come pre-buttered)

Anything your mother says: Wrong, and she obviously doesn't know your type but wants grandchildren at the earliest possible moment and this girl had nice wide birthing hips.

She is just your type: This is vengeance for the wrongs you have done to me.

Great conversationalist: She will literally bore you to death.

Really smart girl: There is no way she will like you.

No really she's cute: Still wears pig tails and not the sexy way.

Likes all the same things you do: She is a stalker

This is going to be really fun: My girlfriend wont go out unless I bring you for her friend.

You've never met a girl like her: She is going to committed at the end of the month.

Nice personality: She is protected by green peace as the last land walking whale.

I have no idea I am only setting you up because you are really desperate and she works in my office: Love at first sight.

You wanted free answers

2009-06-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

The internet is full of people looking for answers to things. This is how I like to screw with them. The following are via yahoo answers.

Original Post:
How do I get rid of a beehive? I have a nest under my porch and every summer there are tons of bees all over my yard. Anyone know how to make them stop coming back?

Bee master (ME):
Have you tried the honey technique? Dip your hand in honey get really close to the hive and lure the bees away. When they get tired of making their own honey and realize that you have an abundant source of free, non union honey they will move to the good life. Then just smear all that honey on a neighbors door preferably the one you didn't like anyways.

Optimus Bee (also me):
lol the honey hand only works in Canada you need to lure the bees from hiding by pretending to be their queen. The queen of the africanus Beeimus calls her bees with a low hum like sound. As everyone knows bees will not sting their queen so get as close as you can and hum loudly when you are designated as the new queen you simply have to walk away from your house and the bees will follow. Hum again and the bees will stay where you designate. This worked for my neighbor Bill.

Original Poster:
Ok Optimus Bee that sounds totally made up nothing I google about humming to bees comes up at all.

Bee Keeper 3000 (also me):
No Optimus is Totally right as a 30 year bee keeper this is what I always use to keep bees from stinging me. Just make sure you get close enough to the hive when you start your lips almost have to be touching it for it to work right. Also I have heard of the honey hand technique working in Canada but I have never tried it personal.

Original Poster:
........ Are you serious!?

Bee Keeper 3000 (also me):
Why would I take the time to answer you if I was just going to blow smoke?

Original Poster:
I think I am just going to get some pesticide or something.

Bee Master:
Fine if you don't want to get rid of that neighbor I guess killing innocent bees is the answer YOU MURDERER!

Original Poster:
I don't want to kill them they are just dangerous don't get all huffy.

Optimus Bee (also me):
If you want an organic pesticide that wont hurt them just drive them away combine 2 cups, of water 1 cup of sugar, tablespoon of honey, and a dash of all spice (for flavor). Then spray liberally.

Original Poster:
Wont sugar and water just attract more bees?

Optimus Bee (also me):
I thought you wanted more bees? For less bees don't use the all spice.

I never heard back from her I hope her bee situation worked out.

Silence

2009-06-29T10:34:00.001-07:00

There are many kinds of silence in this world, so many in fact that I have not had a chance to experience them all. There is a certain silence at 3:08 in the morning that differs slightly from the silence at 6:05, right before the sun comes up. There is a silence after you tell a joke and anticipation before you know if there will be laughter or more silence. There is a silence of mourning and a moment of silence for the fallen. There is a palpable silence when you take a stage that only you can hear. There is the silence of a hunter stalking it's prey and the silence before something spectacular is about to happen. And with all the variations and tapestries of silence that are woven together I have come to a conclusion. I don't really like silence well, not "that kind" anyways.

I find that I narrate many things in my own head, and while most people just think about things. I on the other hand have a tiny me inside that actually takes time to punctuate every thought as though from a podium. He has slides, video clips, a laser pointer, and rehearses the way he wishes conversations would have gone. I sometimes argue with him but he always seems to win. He can make me laugh at random times, so when you see me randomly chuckle for no apparent reason it's because tiny me has just told a particularly good joke. Not necessarily because I think you looked really stupid talking on the phone and trying to push your elevator button and missing 4 times in a row. Although tiny me will probably bring that up later.

Relationships are complicated

2009-06-26T05:37:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend suggested we start spooning, then after a while she mentioned that maybe we should fork. Not to be outdone I decided to knife her. Now I am in jail, girls are so complicated.

Lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek. Gee I hope I remember her name before this song ends. Otherwise I will have to keep calling her lady in red and if she changes cloths then I'm just boned.

I would do anything for love but I wont do that, no I wont do that. Seriously that's just sick what the hell is wrong with you?

In your eyes the light the heat, in your eyes I'm incomplete, in your eyes..... Sorry I'll stop staring I see that I'm obviously freaking you out.

Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take I'll be watching you. But at 100 yards because of the restraining order. Don't worry I got this nifty telephoto lens.

You take a lot of time to get pretty every day. Doing your makeup, picking out just the right outfit, making sure your hair is just so. Then you get mad when I stare at you. Your all like "What are you doing! Get out of my Tree!!!" Women! am I right guys?

Perspective

2009-06-25T05:45:00.000-07:00

You have to actually turn on the dryer to make it dry that shirt you needed to wear for the morning meeting.

If you pay a needy cat any attention at all it will never leave you alone.....ever.
(This sentence is interchangeable with the word girl.)

Whatever lane you choose to be in on the freeway will be the slowest lane.

That thing you think you forgot but can't remember what it is, ya that was really important.

Your only clean towel is in the dryer with your meeting shirt.

Everyone knows that cloths of any kind add 10 or so pounds to the bathroom scale adjust accordingly.

Blood shot eyes really make that red shirt your wearing pop.

There are only 7 hours 58 minutes left to go before you can go home.

The good news is if this is in fact the worse day of your life it's all up hill from here..... except for you, you know who you are! There are only bad days left for you.

It's all a matter of perspective, unless you forgot your glasses then its all a matter of slightly blurred semi familiar objects.

Random and meaningless thoughts.

2009-06-24T12:38:00.000-07:00

As I decided to do my blog today I had a veritable plethora of ideas. So many in fact that I mused about it for some time, then realized hours later that I never actually took the time to write down any of these thoughts. Of course now I can't remember a single one of them. Its not my fault, I don't sleep much. So you get random thoughts.

If fish is supposed to be so healthy for you explain wales.

Mood rings have gone out of style in recent years I propose that we perfect this technology so that it can perfectly detect your mood. Then the government will mandate that a mood stone be put on the forehead of every female. This will prevent further miss communications, stop wars, and make it so that when you are out of control furious I don't ask you out. Also there should be a "time of the month" systems critical warning.

My cat and I are in an epic struggle to kill each other but without the other knowing. I tried to tie a dryer sheet to him and well the rest is self explanatory, and he tried to gnaw my face off while I was sleeping. We where never that good at subtlety.

If French kissing is using the tongue then what is German kissing? Is it like invading Polandish tonsils or something.

Meh.. that's it for today I promise to sleep less tomorrow so I have something better for you.

Things you may not know about but should

2009-06-23T06:32:00.000-07:00

If you put an egg in the microwave and cook it for 3 minutes on high (Honestly they say 'on high' but I have never changed a setting ever) it will explode. Also it will taste like a microwaved egg, well a microwaved egg and bits of lasagna but I think that might be unrelated.

Eventually in your life two or more Mormons will knock on your door, most of the time in white shirts and ties. If they are wearing a black silk outfit with a covered face and a katana they are not Mormons but ninja's. The difference is Mormons have accesses to rice crispy squares and ninjas will probably kill you.

If someone asks you what would you do for a Klondike bar? Kick them in the crotch immediately and say 'that!' Then run. This will eventually reach the ears of the Klondike people and your bar will be sent in the mail. Right around the time you receive the summons for your upcoming assault case. I got my assault papers yesterday so it should be here any time now.

If you ever accidentally run over a squirrel while mowing your lawn and the neighbor kid is watching after the kirrrrkirrrrksquanch sound is made. Point to the kid then point to the lawnmower, then point to that ball he threw into your yard, and smile. This will make a great story at the next block party and everyone will laugh and laugh. That reminds me I don't think I got my invitation yet.

That one girl at the gas station that is really pretty but also a little scary is just as scared of you as you are of her. That may be owing to the fact that you are wearing a ski mask. Do people actually wear those to ski anymore or do they just make them for robbers? But your face was cold and this seemed like a good conversation starter. So don't be afraid, and while you are lying on the ground being read your rights feel free to try and ask for her number. Or the number of the female officer.

The Game of Life

2009-06-22T05:57:00.000-07:00

Confessions of a hippo: Honestly I wasn't all that hungry hungry but I knew that if I didn't eat those disgusting pellets I would be called a looser.

Police today solve another crime by cheating and looking in the envelope. The commissioner had this to say: "Look people we just couldn't put together all the clues, and we all knew where the answer was." Professor plumb was arrested later that day exclaiming that he never would have been caught had the police just played fair.

An area man was investigated by child protective services earlier this week evidently he was nearing the end of his life and sold his four children for extra points. While there is technically a rule for it most agree that it is just bad form.

Wall street received and upset when Boardwalk and Park Place both had to be mortgaged in a single day. The owner thought he was secure with his purchases but most believe his addiction to ridding railroads and his excessive spending at the Waterworks and Electric company led to his downfall. He had this to say: "Sure I landed in jail a few times but I never got free parking and that's why I am going to loose it all."

In military news another battle ship was sunk off the coast of Maine today it was heard firing at its supposed target but never seemed to hit. When asked why they didn't just move their ship or try and see where their enemies might be instead of firing blindly the fleet commander simply replied, that would be cheating.

Your New car

2009-06-19T07:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I get really bored I post responses on craigslist here is one I had some fun with last week.

Original Ad:
Poor College Student looking to buy a used car anyone out there looking to sell?

From: Sydeninsomniac
Hi I saw your ad, I have a car I am looking to sell it's a reliable land rover in nearly perfect condition only has 242,000 miles on it (but most of that was down hill and those miles don't count as much) It is green and in some places red actually that will wash off so mostly green. If the millage is too high just let me know and I can crack it open and roll it back a bit. Just a few problems to note:

The drivers side door does not open from the outside so you have to go in through the back. Also the passengers side door does not open. The batteries in my auto lock ran out about a month ago and I can't unlock anything so the doors will remain shut until you get a new one. I can reduce the cost of the car by that of the battery if that helps.

The glove box is sealed shut from the glue I left in there (next time I will leave it in the bottle lol) but that's ok because I left half a salad in there from that time I was dating a hippie girl and told her I liked salad. But I couldn't force down any more and shoved it in the then glue covered glove box. So it is probably better that it doesn't open anyways.

Rear door is broken and does not lock (thank Goodness) and sometimes opens when you are on the freeway but if you kind of swerve back and forth real fast you can make it shut itself for a few miles.

The headlights are broken but the spotter lights on top work this is actually better because you can point the lights where you want to see and are not limited by just in front of the car.

If anyone asks you about the blood stain on the carpet in the back just tell that the previous owner liked to hunt or something they will buy that.

The brakes are brand new and of my own design and work almost 90% of the time I think it will be break through to the automotive world ha Brake through lol.

Oh and when I turn on the AC there is a smell like molten death so usually I leave it off. Plus you get some pretty good airflow from the back door opening so much.

So if there are any questions just let me know I am only asking $18,000 which is a steal for this kind of vehicle. Also I only take cash or checks made out to cash.

From poster to me:
Like I said I am a starving student so this is out of my price range thanks though.

From me to Student:
I'm sorry I meant to say $17,998 I deducted $2 for the battery.

From poster to me:
Ya it's not what I am looking for.

From me to student:
I am willing to negotiate the price came down yesterday the prototype brakes did not go as planned and now it has a cracked windshield and dented front. But the prototype mark II are installed and so far so good. So with the new technology and all I could come down to maybe $17,800.

From poster to me:
Look your car sounds like a piece of crap I don't want it stop contacting me!

From me to student:
As it turns out that "dog" I hit wasn't what I thought it was. How about I give you the car tonight and you give me $500 that will cover my plane ticket to Mexico?

From poster to me:
What the hell is wrong with you!? Did you hit someone with that piece of crap?

From me to Student:
Look I am a little desperate here so just give me $400 and we will put the car in your name today. You can't beat a deal like that!

From Poster to me
This conversation is over stop contacting me!! YOU ARE MENTALLY ILL SEEK HELP!!!

From me to student:
Sorry to say that the car you where so interested in is no longer available would you be interested in a different Black Land Rover newly painted, new windshield, New front end?

From poster to me:
What!!? NO STOP EMAILING IF I HEAR FROM YOU ANYMORE I AM CONTACTING THE POLICE!

From me to student:
ok.

Blogging the final frontier

2009-06-18T06:05:00.001-07:00

These are the stories of people who literally have nothing better to do than spout mindless dribble on the internet, and in the spirit of that here goes. The following are truly random thoughts.

The color red has to many meanings; stop, love, heart, blood, hot, pain, powerful, emergency, Red is the color of happiness and prosperity in China, it is the color of mourning in South Africa, and is associated with communist rule. Oh I get it red is the color of relationships. In other words it means what ever the hell my girlfriend decides it means at any given moment.

Movies that didn't make it:
Back to the future 4: Rise of the machines
Ghostbusters III: Why we shouldn't have crossed the streams
Better off dead II: Still better off dead
The most recent hulk: Oh sorry this belongs in the shouldn't have been made category
The Land Before Time part 10: The oil field
Star Trek the wrath of Khan Jr.: This time it's really wrathful

How many half human half green moon princess Captain Kirk's do you suppose are out there? And do you think he flies around in a space ship to avoid child support?

I bought a new bed to try and cure my insomnia (sorry readers) it did not have the desired effect. Now its like I'm not sleeping on a cloud.

I cheated on my long time breakfast companion while I was eating the breakfast burrito I was thinking about an egg McMuffin I am so ashamed.

I think if appliances started coming to life the one we would have to worry about would be the copy machine. After all we sat on it with no pants on made 20 copies then didn't call the next day.

Mary Poppins lied to me

2009-06-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

She said a spoon full of sugar would help the medicine go down stupid insulin medication.

Mary Poppins: [singing] Stay awake, don't rest your head. Don't lie down upon your bed. While the moon drifts in the skies... Stay awake, don't close your eyes. Though the world is fast asleep, though your pillow's soft and deep, you're not sleepy as you seem; stay awake, don't nod and dream... Stay awake... don't nod... and... dream...... Ok now what!? It's 15 years later and I am still an insomniac WHAT NOW POPPINS!!!

Mary Poppins: In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun, and - SNAP - the job's a game!...... This did not go over well as my brief stint as the electric chair operator.

I am convinced that suicide a few years ago was not a man jumping off a building but rather trying to enter the magical chalk drawing bellow.

I broke my leg trying to umbrella fly I guess I bought the wrong umbrella.

I got stuck in the fireplace trying to enter the magical world of chimney sweeps.

And nothing so far in life has earned the title Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious or even the backwards version Suoicodilaipxecitsiligarfilacrepus which if you look closely enough it looks like: 'suicidal expects large filled creeps' I don't know what that means I just know that Poppins has lied to me.

Julius' Complex

2009-06-16T06:18:00.000-07:00

This is the Wikipedia entry for Julius Caesar very slightly modified by me with the real motives behind the man.

Julius Caesar (13 July 100 BC[2] – 15 March 44 BC[3]), was a Roman military and political leader. He played a critical role in the transformation of the Roman Republic into the Roman Empire. And was the worlds biggest homophobe.

A politician of the populares tradition, he formed an unofficial triumvirate with Marcus Licinius Crassus and Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus which dominated Roman politics for several years. This was also all over the Greek tabloids with pictures as the 'first three way' which enraged Julius who had always tried to live down his effeminate name.
His conquest of Gaul extended the Roman world to the North Sea, this was an effort to 'man up' his image. So he set out on this bloody rampage thinking that if people thought of him as conqueror they wouldn't think flaming homo anymore. But his fashion sense, bright red cape, and hanging out with 20 thousand men in skirts did not have the effect Julius thought it would have. His neighbors in Britain started calling him 'The Lady in Red' which upset Julius' fragile ego so much he conducted the first Roman invasion of Britain in 55 BC. The collapse of the triumvirate, however, led to a stand-off with Pompey and the Senate. Leading his legions across the Rubicon, Caesar began a civil war in 49 BC from which he became the master of the Roman world. This was widely publicized as the largest hissy fit ever seen people like to say "Ikkle Cweasar lost his boyfriends and got all mad."

After assuming control of government, he began extensive reforms of Roman society and government, like the don't ask don't tell policy, and the amnesty of fashion sense policy. He heavily centralized the bureaucracy of the Republic and was eventually proclaimed "dictator in perpetuity" but in private circles was always known as 'the dictator of purple perennials' for his love of pretty flowers. A group of senators, led by Marcus Junius Brutus, assassinated the dictator on the Ides of March (March 15) in 44 BC, hoping to restore the normal running of the Republic. And finally get rid of the image of Rome Gayest place on earth. However, the result was another Roman civil war known as the hissy fit part II, which ultimately led to the establishment of a permanent autocracy by Caesar's "adopted heir" (if you know what I mean), Gaius Octavianus. In 42 BC, two years after his assassination, the Senate officially sanctified Caesar as one of the Roman deities. The God of love.
Marcus Junius Brutus was later convicted for hate crimes and gay bashing.

How to enjoy life when your life really sucks and you're probably a looser.

2009-06-15T10:32:00.001-07:00

1. Laugh at the misfortune of others: Like the fact that you are on the internet right now and they are not.

2. Drive slowly in the fast lane: When you are having a bad day sometimes it helps to make someone else really really upset, and hey if you can piss off a cop while driving then taunt him into shooting you in the head you'll never have a bad day again.

3. Food: What food should you not be eating? Go get that and a lot of it, then batter it and fry it up for even more deliciousness. Your life sucks anyways you might as well enjoy a meal.

4. Wear sweat pants: When your life sucks your confidence is shot and people can pick up on that and shy away from you. So break out those sweat pants if people are going to avoid your gaze anyways you might as well be comfortable.

5. Nap: Take a nap you looser.

6. Write a blog: So that someone might leave you a comment and then check it every 6 seconds so and when it finally comes you can rejoice that someone actually cared enough to comment about the mindless dribble you're putting out there.

7. Make someone else feel better, or if that fails make someone feel worse then maybe they will try and make you feel better and the cycle will continue.

8. When you are having the worst day ever ask out the hottest girl/guy you see I mean it's not like your day could get worse. Oooh she maced you? Well at least you'll have a story to tell. If you had any friends to tell it to. Maybe that guy at the 7-11 wants to here about your day......

9. Take a walk. Not to clear your head really but to exercise. Beautiful people don't have bad days they fart rainbows and the world bows to their Superior genetic code. So maybe if you dropped a few pounds things would look up for you.

10. Read a funny blog and leave a comment. Do it now dammit.

Top reasons why it would suck to work for NASA

2009-06-12T06:58:00.000-07:00

You can't say cool phrases like it's not rocket science, because odds are it is.

Everyone you talk to outside of work is probably dumber than you.

They only let the "real astronauts" drink the tang.

If you have a bad day at work and screw up odds are you just blew up half a building.

Astronauts have no sense of time and call at like 2 in the morning with the "we have a problem" crap.

They get mad when you program planet of the apes scenario in the flight simulator.

You have to work in Houston Texas

You have to live near Houston Texas

Your neighbors will most likely be Texans

Everyone you talk to out of work is not only dumber than you but you are in Texas which lowers the bar quite a bit.

Everybody gets really jumpy, when for April fools you switched the hydrogen cell for the worlds largest silly string can. Seriously take a joke people.

Every person you talk to will ask you "so have you been in space?"

Nobody will take your suggestions for the new shuttle name seriously. What was wrong with The Tang-inator, Moon Buster 4000, or The Ricken Socket Robot Rocket.

It took 20 billion dollars to get a photo of Mars and more people will look at an Angelina Jolie picture than at your life's work.

You have to live in Texas.

They let monkeys go into space but not you.

They let "frat boy Armstrong" into space but not you.

You work with the worlds coolest Rover but everyone gets upset when you borrow it to go to the seven eleven for a drink run.

People get angry when you eat your lunch in the anti gravity room. But jello in zero G just tastes better.

When you used the spinney machine to mix your paint can they gave you a demerit. It's not your fault the lid came loose while going 737 miles an hour.

No one laughed at the fill a bag full of air and pop it next to your bosses head when he is checking the highly explosive fuel ratios.

You have to live in Texas.

Virgin Insurance

2009-06-11T05:53:00.000-07:00

I have recently discovered the ultimate fail safe for parents who are worried about their kids having sex, Virgin Insurance. This revolutionary new tool will make sure that your kids are safe at home and will never slip up. For an initial start up fee of 60$ and only 12 dollars a month you can be absolutely assured that your son or Daughter will never ever venture into premarital sex and they will enjoy themselves along the way. How is this done you ask? It's simple we trick your child, adolescent, teen, or even mid 20 year old into spending their time away from society as a whole. Wow you say! Yes it's just that simple and the best part is that they will never know that you are keeping them in check. Here's how to order. Go to your local Bestbuy or gaming store and pick up World of Warcraft. What you ask World of Warcaft how will that help? World of Warcraft is an online game that millions of parents have discovered is the perfect supplement for social interaction. Your child will while away the hours that he or she would normally be pursuing the opposite sex talking gibberish and battling the forces of evil. But wouldn't they get bored fighting a computer game all day you ask? No that is the genius behind World of Warcraft we pit your young sons and daughters against each other into a cast system of Alliance and Horde. With these two waring factions pitted against each other in an epic struggle for domination so they will never get bored. So get your copy of World of Warcraft today and experience the Wow sensation that is sweeping the nation. 12 dollars a month is a small price to pay to know that your son or daughter is still a virgin.

Side effects may include: Sudden weight gain, Urge to scream "for the Horde" at odd times, Social retardation, dark bags under the eyes from sleepless nights. New forms of speech may emerge common saying like "noob, Leet, epic, and gotta do my dailies" are common. If your child begins to slip and loose interest in the game encourage them to get into raiding guilds and then smile and nod when they talk about it endlessly.

Strange facts

2009-06-10T06:14:00.000-07:00

Why is all leather not waterproof? I mean do cows discolor and shrink in the rain?

Butterflies taste with their feet.... so when they land on you they are just trying to eat your soul.

The elephant is the only animal that can't jump... So I think that all games where you can't jump the main character should be replaced with an elephant. So that when people complain and are like "why can't I jump?" I can say "dude you're an elephant."

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older... yet it seems about 1 in 2 piss me off on a daily basis.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men (this is an actual fact)....This is why you are terrible drivers your eyes are closed twice as much as ours.

A sail can sleep up to three years... I can sleep up to three hours a night.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match... Seems kind of like a backward step.

Something I learned when I was bored then looked it up to confirm. A quarter has 119 groves on its edge a dime has 118.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie... That's kind of messed up if you think about it.

Dream analysis

2009-06-09T06:12:00.000-07:00

As an insomniac I don't actually have a lot of dreams to speak of. So I have become somewhat of a dream analysis expert so that when I do dream I can know what their meaning is. At least that's the story I told my coworkers and even though they have been burned by me before and horribly ridiculed because of it, they actually believed me. They started emailing me their dreams so that I could analyze them. Here are some of my abbreviated answers. Seriously though people you are starting to make it to easy for me to mock you.

Alison wrote:
I had this dream the other night were I am in a car and it has no brakes and I am heading for this river and I just know I'm going to crash. What does it mean?

My reply:
Well Alison this dream is a pretty common one, though mine usually involves a firetruck and some garden gnomes but I digress. Dreams where you are out of control are common for women especially, your inadequacy at even the most basic driving skills make it hard for your brain to process all the data your tiny girl brain sees when you are driving like an insane postal worker right on the edge of sanity. You feel powerless to take control of your raging hormones and as such, suck at driving. I hope this helps Alison,
Syden

Gary Wrote:
Syden I have this dream every so often that I am in the hospital dying and no one comes to visit. It's so strange it always leaves me rattled the next day. What do you think it is?

My Reply:
Gary that's @#$%'ing weird seek help man.
Your weirded out friend,
Syden

Joel wrote:
Ok this is a strange one I had this dream that I kept eating glass and it was really good so I just kept eating all this broken glass but I could never get full. What do you suppose that means?

My Reply:
Joel, of course, the old glass eating dream. I think just about everyone has a dream about eating endless amounts of glass once and a while. No wait that's just you. This dream is defiantly trying to tell you something perhaps you feel left out that you never got that razor in your candy at Halloween by the psycho down the street that smelled like pee. After all everyone else got a razor in their candy apple why not you? Because Joel nobody likes you. This dream is your brains way of telling you that it doesn't even like you and maybe you should eat some glass to end it all. Or maybe you have discovered the newest trend like deep fried candy bars, maybe deep fried glass could be next, YOUR GONNA BE A MILLIONAIRE! But most likely its meaning is that you deeply envy me and my awesomnitude and have no way to express it so you tell me your dreams. Don't try and deny it Joel, I know you want to be like me. But unfortunately this can never be Joel because, well.... I'm a winner.
Your winner coworker,
Syden.
P.S. Don't kill yourself seriously that would be uncool

Cindy Wrote:
Syden I don't know if I buy into this whole dream analysis thing but here goes. I had a dream last week that my boyfriend was cheating on me and it felt so real that I was actually mad at him the next day until I realized it was all just a dream. I'm pretty sure I know what this means but go ahead have a crack at it.

My reply:
Cindy, yes it is pretty obvious but you wanted it analyzed so lol here it goes. You are obviously deeply attracted to me and have no way to show it so your very brain is telling you to get out of your terrible relationship. But dreams can have more than one meaning it could also mean that you need to buy a garden gnome to protect your hopes and dreams while you are sleeping. You could always get a dream catcher but they are a bitch to clean when they get full. So I recommend the gnome. Mine is for sale for only $200.00. He has a green hat and I call him Frank. He is mostly intact and the side of his face is badly burned from the cleansing ritual. But all in all he is a great defender of reality. I don't need him anymore because I got the enchanted apple of dreamlessness at the store so I wont be dreaming anymore. Hope this helps,
Syden

If you have a dream you need analyzed please leave a comment

Things I wish I could say... and sometimes do

2009-06-08T07:40:00.000-07:00

Eat, drink, and be happy for tomorrow we die.... or you know go to the doctor and get that looked at.

Driving to work is a lot like pulling a tooth out with pliers, you know except without the satisfaction of a job well done and the taste of blood.

Babies are universally cute and cuddly... except your baby it's just hideous.

Why wouldn't I want to look at 15 years of photo albums about people I don't really care about, every picture associated with a story that is so boring I would literally rather have my face eaten off by ants than listen to?

If people could read my mind I would have a lot less friends, and no job and would probably be burned at the stake. But in my defense... na never mind let me help you light that.

Cheese is just really tasty mold with a good marketing plan. My less appreciated flesh eating bacteria soda just never got the buzz I felt it deserved. Great slogan though Eat drink and be merry because tomorrow your dead now with lime!

Self help it's all about problem solving

2009-06-05T05:33:00.001-07:00

When you are in a rut keep pacing until you are in a ditch don't give up, get a shovel and now you are in a dependable and defensible trench. Anyone who tells you to get out of your rut/trench is probably a Nazi infiltrator and you can shoot them.

You have to believe in yourself when no one else does, like now for example.

You are not as ugly as you think you are, or at least not as ugly as that one guy I saw on the street corner the other day man he was ugly. I hope that wasn't you.

Dancing is a good way to make you happy but I warn you there is a time and a place for it. When you start dancing in the middle of a meeting and there is no music and you are a terrible dancer it just looks like you are seizing out of control. On the plus side you got a fat check from disability and can buy yourself something pretty or maybe dance lessons.

Self image is important that's why I covered my mirror with a poster of Brad Pitt so it looks like I'm Brad whenever I look in the mirror, man I'm a sexy beast. Problem solved.

Never let anyone tell you that you're wrong you could develop a complex. Whenever you feel like someone is about to tell you that you're wrong do what I do. Cover your ears and run screaming from the room and if you have the chance, kick them in the shins on your way out. Then if someone asks you why you didn't correct something you can simply say because I was never told it was wrong. Problem solved.

People who need self help often feel worthless. My solution is to keep large amounts of money on me at all times then when I start to feel worthless I count it. I can't be worthless I am worth at least $526.50. Problem solved.

Feeling good about yourself yet? No? Then try this; compliment the next person you see but don't do the regular "you look nice today" crap. Try something original so that they really know you mean it. One of my favorites is to tell the new girl in the office that she looks pregnant. You know because pregnant women glow and she kind of lights up a room. Just the first part though the "you look pregnant" When she figures out what I actually mean on her own it will make her happy and give her a sense of accomplishment. Now don't you feel a little better about yourself.

Everything I need to know I learned from watching cartoons part II

2009-06-04T06:25:00.000-07:00

Knowing is half the battle and the other half is mostly just gore and stuff.

It is ok to trust your little problems like your daughter was kidnapped to adorable chipmunks.

Never trust someone who owns a cat. Owning a cat makes you evil which means that the crazy cat lady down the street must be the most evil person in all of existence.

Ponies are cute unicorns are cute but beware candy mountain If you haven't seen this watch till the end.

When you find yourself caught up in an intergalactic struggle for peace never trust the guys with the red laser guns.

If you need money for any reason there should be a talent show near by with the prize being the exact amount you need. So just keep looking.

All robots can transform and if they look like a cat then they can form a human looking head.

The road runner is probably to stringy to taste good anyways.

Jonny Quest is probably a really F#$*d up adult that has recurring nightmares about lizard men capturing him. I know there is a lesson in here somewhere... Oh save now for therapy later is a good one.

The more annoying you are the less likely you are to find help of any kind. Even nature will smite you for being the way you are and it will make you a jaded horrible person. Unless you are a woodpecker then you're fine.

Never get involved with a princess of any kind it will only make your life a living hell filled with ransom demands. Go for the chamber maid instead she doesn't have baggage. Just don't let her try on any slippers. P.S. nothing good comes from slippers you will put them on only to kill the good witch of the north or find a really shallow boyfriend with a foot fetish.

Everything I need to know I learned from watching cartoons

2009-06-03T06:08:00.001-07:00

I realized that all life’s little lessons can be learned from cartoons and much like this kindergarten guy I to have learned all I need to know.

Hitting people with a frying pan is funny and has no repercussions as long as you run from the room or possibly try and blow them up with TNT.

When in a situation I can’t get out of cross dressing and coming on to the problem causer is the answer.

Never buy from acme; its products have a terrible return policy.

The law of gravity states that an object will only fall if it knows it should.

Wearing the same thing every day is a perfectly acceptable life style.

Never trust grandmothers with big teeth

Wearing a red cloak only invites trouble

Smurfs can be made into gold by way of an alchemical process as long as your cat doesn’t screw it up.

If someone is trying to kill you acting as retarded as possible will save you every time.

Guns can be stopped by fingers

Planning an elaborate trap is never worth the effort

Strapping yourself to a rocket will only end in tears

Living with depression

2009-06-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

I listen to the car radio on my way to work each morning and the commercials are beginning to make me think that I'm depressed. (It starts out with some soothing music and goes into it's) Are you happy? Millions of Americans are living with depression (the music comes to a crescendo) But there is help at bobs discount drugs (ok I made up the bob part but you get the idea)
Then it goes into the signs of depression.
1. Are you tired and no matter how much you sleep you always wake up more fatigued?
2. Do you have thoughts of harming yourself or others?
3. Is there a rain cloud that follows you around only raining on you and calling you fat?
4. Does this touching music that is playing in the background make you want to gouge out your eyes or huddle in the corner while sucking your thumb until the pain stops?
5. Do people around you point and laugh calling you names like depresso and The sad-inator?

We can help at bobs discount pharmaceuticals we are starting an experimental trial on depression. Your time and travel should you survive will be compensated. You don't have to live with depression any longer (the music seems happy all of the sudden giving you hope for a fleeting moment and the feeling that everything might actually be ok) But only if you call now (the music takes away all hope and leaves you feeling dirty and unloved with your only option to swerve into oncoming traffic or call the number they repeat 70 more times in rapid succession)

Then the commercial ends.

Ya I think I might be depressed after all my boss did say something like Sad-inator the other day. It might have been senator after all he was listening to congress on the radio but I don't think I should take any chances.

Things to do before I die

2009-06-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking of things that I would like to do before I die. It is supposed to be an exercise in self awareness that helps you derive goals and a pace to set to accomplish things. This was not the case with my list.

1. Learn to sleep..... I am so very tired
2. Loose a girlfriend... not an actual girlfriend just the approximate weight of one so that I can attract other females.
3. Buy new shoe laces... This might seem trivial but I am guessing that the reason I die is tripping going down the stairs. That or Peta will attack me because of my cat posts.
4. Make a list of things I want to do before I die... oh sweet, check!
5. Learn a foreign language... You know what never mind I don't even like speaking pig Latin.
6. ......Think of more things for list
7. Get married.... preferably to a non immigrant seeking green card status. You know unless she's really hot.

That was as far as I got and since I am supposed to space these things out to give my life fulfillment that means I can't get my new shoe laces till next year or so. I am going to give this sleep thing another shot we'll see how it goes.

Things to remember part II

2009-05-28T21:44:00.000-07:00

Remember it's never to late to say you're sorry.... So I guess it's time we talk about your cat. At least I used a dryer sheet.

Remember to always chew your food 30 times before you swallow unless you're a vampire then once is probably enough.

Remember to not sweat the small stuff... My doctor led with that before telling me that I had a micro tumor in my brain.

Remember a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush unless the bush is on fire then dinner is ready.

Remember that a diamond is forever and so is that look on your fiances face when she finds out what you did to her cat.

Remember a penny saved is a penny earned but a penny hurled from a great height is a deadly projectile.

Remember that a rolling stone gathers no moss but a stone rolled through human blood is exhibit B in your trial.

Remember that a watched pot never boils but in all honesty why would you try a boil a pot anyways? I mean its just a big piece of really hot metal and at the boiling point its not really a pot anymore so ya... Sorry I burned down your house I was trying to prove a point.

Remember that absents makes the heart grow fonder but an absent heart makes a man grow colder and eventually he starts to smell. I should check on my roommate....

Remember an apple a day keeps the doctor away... No seriously I think that guy is like some kind of hybrid Wicken hippie vampire cross breed that feeds on the souls of litter bugs and can't take a shower. That might just be Jimbo the homeless guy on the corner sometimes I get those two confused.

Remember that it's better to be a big fish in a small pond or a really gigantic super morphed mutant nuclear fallout fish that will change the food chain forever in the big pond.

Remember to cross that bridge when you come to it and don't burn your bridges because you're already suspected of killing your roommate and the jury isn't endeared to you because of the cat thing so unless you're going for the all out insanity plea arson is probably not your best bet right now.

Things to Remember

2009-05-28T06:51:00.000-07:00

Remember when putting a cat in the dryer always use a dryer sheet otherwise they come out with static cling.... oh and dead.

Remember to look both ways when crossing the street, and look twice for an Adams apple before picking up a street walker.

Remember to always brush your teeth but never to brush your roommates teeth while he is sleeping.

Remember to never talk to strangers.... this policy did not endear me to my boss when I was a receptionist.

Remember to use the buddy system... it's always best to use a buddy you know otherwise it's a restraining order.

Remember if at first you don't succeed try, try again... That's why you always bring extra ammunition.

Remember the book about the little engine that could and repeat I think I can, I think I can when you are having difficulty doing something... You will often hear me saying this same thing if you are sitting in the stall next to me in the bathroom. Often followed by a chooo choooo!!! Curplunk.

Good vs. Evil

2009-05-27T07:09:00.000-07:00

Lately there have been a rash of new games on the market that let you make new kinds of choices. The choices you make determine whether you become good or evil and that effects all sorts of things in the game. But sometimes these choices are hard to make and aren't always obvious. Like should I save the girl drowning in the lake or kill this box of kittens? What if killing the box of kittens makes it so that the evil pirates don't attack the town in search of cuddly new pets? See it's not as easy as it sounds. Like this one: should I go watch the street performer play or lay siege to the orphanage? I often wonder how they come up with such mind boggling simple choices. But moreover wonder why I always seem to turn out to be the most evil human being that ever existed and even demons tremble in my wake. I must just be unlucky or something I mean I had a 50/50 shot either way. Oh well I'm off to decide whether to save the villagers from a rampaging werewolf or to cause an avalanche that will destroy a convent.

Syden's weight loss advice

2009-05-21T18:46:00.000-07:00

Many of my readers know that I am a bigger guy and have recently lost a lot of weight over 100 lbs last year in fact. But guess what I am still fat. I have a long way to go to get a six pack over a keg. I read these helpful tips for loosing weight probably written by a guy who weighs 90 lbs and eats what ever he wants and never seems to gain an ounce. I have made some comments on his excerpts.

1.Make sure and get a good nights sleep lack of sleep can cause the body to hold on to weight……I have been an insomniac for 17 years so screw you.

2.Limit your stress. High stress and long working hours are counter productive for weight loss…..As an IT Manager I unusually have to work long hours dealing with morons all day the only way to cut down on stress would be to cut them down and that is life in jail at best. Also I am tired and hungry if I had more stress my eye would pop out. Crap now my eye is starting to twitch.

3.Air conditioning that’s right it said that raising the temperature decreases appetite and that artificial cold is bad…..I work in a server room temp 60 degrees oh yeah and I am fat!!! We get HOT!!!!!!

4.Cardio work outs say to get your heart rate up to 65-85% of your maximum heart rate…..My heart is that of a fat man and walking to the stair machine does the heart rate for me if I run and get it to say 90% I will DIE!

5.Calories are needed for energy don’t cut to many……Screw you hippy! When I eat 1200 calories I don’t loose weight when I eat 2000 I don’t loose weight when I eat 200 guess what I LOOSE weight my body starts eating itself, that’s the idea as long as I make sure and take all the correct vitamins in the correct proportions to avoid malnourishment it works.

6.Try eating 6 times a day to boost your metabolism…. THAT’S HOW I GOT FAT IN THE FIRST PLACE DAMNIT!

7.Your attitude can play a huge part in loosing weight stay positive!.........I want to find the perfectly fit idiot who said this and punch him in the face. That would change my outlook on fitness for sure.

8.Keep a food journal……
Dear diary,
Today I ate some food it was not satisfying and I am really hungry love always,
Syden
Keeping a food journal is depressing as hell and reading a food journal will make you want to kill yourself

9.Set realistic goals for your weight loss……Setting realistic goals didn’t get me to loose 100 lbs in 8 months.

10.Your support system, surround yourself with positive influencing people…..This would mean that I would have to commit myself to an asylum where the men in white coats talk soothingly all the time. I live in the real world and as such if I want to go to say, the gym people are going to stare at the fat guy.

What I learned: people who have never been fat should not give advice. Now I get to go eat my 200-500 calories which by the way is the equivalent to half a PopTart.

Things I like to do in long meetings

2009-05-21T05:37:00.000-07:00

Aka things you probably shouldn't do
When meetings start to run long as they do so often around here I like to keep myself entertained, mainly so I don't fall asleep as they drone on and on. So when you are bored to tears in your next company get together here are a few things to try.

Randomly interrupt the speaker with questions that have nothing to do with his or her department. Then apologize and ask them to continue this will often throw them so far off track that they will just sit down.

When someone is in a particularly long rant or speech wait for them to take a breath then stand up and start clapping. Often other coworkers who weren't paying attention will join in, keep clapping as you make your way to the door. Nothing ends a meeting faster than a standing ovation.

When people get bored they start to look around wait till the person next to you looks away then stare at them intently. When they look back jump a little and look shocked a small gasp will add to the effect. Most of the time this scares the hell out them.

"Drop your pen" under the table and quickly tie two coworkers shoelaces together or if you want deniability tie a coworkers shoelace to the chair they are siting in. You have to be fast and go unnoticed but when you pull it off the result is hilarious.

When you are called on use as many buzz words as you can in a sentence. Example: "I looked into synergizing the dynamic framework but found the immersion paradigm of the next generation software too simplistic. So I am being proactive in this particular enterprise for maximum empowerment so that there is no paradigm shift otherwise we might get to a tipping point, retroactively of course." Then smile look around haughtily and sit down. You will not have said a damn thing but no one will argue with you because they don't want to look stupid. (Note: I did this in my last meeting and my boss actually congratulated me after the fact for my productivity)

So with these in mind I have a meeting to go to.

Ikea: My Journey into hell

2009-05-20T05:53:00.001-07:00

I like to read this in my old timey King Arther voice but the choice it really up to you.
It had been known to me for some time that something had to be done. I knew the answer and where to find it, but I swore I would never go back to that place not after the last time. But when certain doom approaches a man has to step up and do something or be left by the wayside. I knew what must be done, I would have to buy a new bookshelf. The old one was a rotting skeleton, a mere ghost of it's former glory. As all things it's time had passed and I knew the strain of a long life had taken it's toll. Books, the words of the dead lay scattered at it's feet there was no place for them in the dusty catacombs of the too full shelves. But I wanted to hold on as long as I could, I wanted to believe that the old guy had some life left in him, but I was wrong. He like so many others would have to be replaced. He knew it, I knew it, it was time. I would have to go to Ikea. The thought sent thrills of dread down my spine the journey there was a death march like passing over into a crueler world. It was almost dark, the worst time to face the beast but it could not be helped. (After all I had work in the morning.) I pulled into the parking lot it was almost full not a good sign. I made my way cautiously to the doorway it greeted me as an old friend mockingly allowing me entrance. It knew I would be back, it always knew. The crowd was a milling mass of mindless drones. They sang the song of the damned, the song of deals, and cubbyholes, of knickknacks, and throw pillows. It was already to late for them. I tried to hurry but the smell of rancid meatballs and the draining lights soon tired me. I tried to find the fastest path but it was a labyrinth designed to trap and confuse. I spent hours looking trying to keep my mind clear my goal in focus but it was getting harder. The great beast was wearing on me. But then I saw it ahead a sign post in that purgatory of good sense it read, "bookshelves ahead." This was it my journey would finally be over! But as I approached I knew the beast had bested me again. There where to many so many colors and styles some appealing some revolting but all in affordable prices. I had to make my choice and soon least I be stuck here forever. I hastened to the cause looking at options and sturdiness. It had to be the right one else all this would be for nothing. Then I saw it tucked away in the corner hiding from plain sight the perfect bookshelf! My journey was over I had defeated the beast at last my books the words of the dead could rest at ease. But not after standing in the checkout line for another hour and buying two pillows and storage box. Seriously that store is a freaking maze and I hate it.

Famous Zombie Quotes

2009-05-19T06:03:00.000-07:00

I was reading some famous quotes yesterday and if you change the context that say the quote was coming from zombie Benjamin Franklin instead of well....alive Benjamin Franklin they get pretty funny. Some quotes have been slightly modified to fit our desire for human brains.

The mind is a terrible thing to waste....Mmmmmm brains
United Negro College Fund and brain bank

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. braaaaaaiiiins
Lord of the undead Sir Winston Churchill

Action is eloquence. (Zombie battle cry)
William (Billy the kid) Shakespeare

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough….Now die!
Zombie Albert Einstein

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind...the tasty, tasty mind.
Aristotle the unkind

All would live long, but none would be old...because we’re zombies.
Benjamin Franklin bifocal mutilator

Random thoughts of the day

2009-05-18T07:01:00.000-07:00

I know it freaked you out when you saw me in a loin cloth with a baseball bat in your backyard the other day but I have a good excuse...

Why does every diet have to start on Monday and every pint of ice cream has to die on Sunday night at 11pm?

I sometimes like to imagine that I am a giant titan squashing woolly mammoths with my huge club. So I guess what I am trying to say is sorry about your cat.

I think I might need a girlfriend. Not just for the companionship but so that I don't look so weird sitting alone at Chick flicks.

Questions for everyman, and you.

2009-05-14T08:12:00.000-07:00

Lonesome Dove = Happy pillow. Lets face it that bird was one tequila shooter from offing himself anyways. Mmm so soft.

Why can you have people cremated but not stuffed and made to look like zombies for Halloween decorations? I mean what kind of sick world do we live in where people like me can come up with stuff like this? Wait.....

Are people who are against abortion also against omelets because I never see them protesting at the I-Hop? And if they are not isn't that kind of specie-ist?

I'll show future me who's boss once and for all!

2009-05-13T10:04:00.000-07:00

If I ever meet future me and he tells me that I need to do something to save mankind I don't think I'll do it. Because lets face it savior of humanity just doesn't get you as much action as you think it would and if all goes right then people would always be like 'the world probably would have been fine anyways.' So I say let em burn that will show them!

If we learned tomorrow that the internet causes cancer I think that would just make me search Wikipedia for confirmation. Then possible cures to the problem on webMD and then when all else failed I could order a tomb stone and burial plot from ebay.

When I get old I hope that I get Alzheimer's then I can rewatch all my favorite T.V. shows as if for the first time. It's gonna be great! I can't wait to see Firefly for the first time again I am going to be so excited.

Have you ever wondered why the ABC's song and twinkle twinkle little star have the exact same tune?

I would like to believe that life on other planets is not only possible but that they have seen us and decided not to mess with us. Because we will cut you !@$#$!

At first we believed that the world was flat, then round, I think that it was a square that got a sexy new look as a birthday present from a secret atomic admirer.
Why can't you love her for who she is on the inside!? A burning inferno of love under extreme pressure with a crusty outer core! That reminds me I need to call that girl back.

Remember that you are alone so very alone. This saying wouldn't have been so sad if it hadn't been scribed on the inside of my last birthday card and signed love Grandma.

My Morning

2009-05-12T10:30:00.000-07:00

When coming off of heat exhaustion and going on 1 1/2 hours of sleep everything is just more interesting. This picture perfectly explains my morning.

The funny thing is I couldn't eat anything because they wouldn't stop screaming

My 4 day weekend

2009-05-12T06:10:00.001-07:00

Sorry no posts on Friday and yesterday I had a rather interesting weekend.

Thursday:
My Brother lets me know that he is broken down in the deserts of California and that his engine is blown. We have family a few hours away so he gets a ride but is stuck needing to be in Utah (where I am from) as soon as possible. Well he starts looking into buying himself a new truck but can't find exactly what he is looking for. So I decided to help him out, Utah has a much better selection to choose from and soon I am at a dealership for 6 hours hammering out a good deal. So because he is not there to sign anything I put it all in my name so I can drive the truck off the lot and get going to save my stranded brother.
Friday:
I drive the 12 hours to California.
Saturday:
Spend some time getting things in order like getting the load we need to haul back (the reason he was there in the first place.)
Sunday:
Head out early to go get his actual car. Luck would have it that his car is towing a trailer big enough that his old car will fit on it. Bad luck the trailer hitch pin is not the right size for the new truck. So we spend an hour at a gas station asking everyone with a truck if we can buy theirs off of them. Now we have the pin we hook up the fully loaded trailer and we are off a lot later than we had anticipated and the few hours it takes to get everything situated in the 110 degree weather has given me the onset of heat stroke.
20 miles down the road, still Sunday:
We hear an explosion and realize we have just shredded a trailer tire. With the seven thousand pound load we are hauling it takes us a bit of time and cunning to actually change the tire. But now we are without a spare tire and with our luck so far that is just not sitting well. So we find a place in Baker California (tire blow out center of the universe) that will come in after hours charge us our first born child but get us a new tire.
Late at night, still Sunday:
By the time we get to Vegas it is midnight and I am still suffering from the sun exhaustion so we decide to get a room and head out the next morning.
Monday:
I am supposed to be back at work but am still in Vegas. Towing a heavy load and feeling a little sick. We don't pull into Utah until 6 but still have to go to the dealership to redo all the paper work so that my brothers new truck is not still in my name. My brother regales at least 5 people at the dealership with our epic story the process takes 3 times longer than it needed to. By 8 I am finally at home but have to go into work and take care of some things so I don't get to bed till around 2:30
Tuesday:
My alarm goes off at 5 I stare at it knowing the loathing that it must have for me that it likes to hurt me this way.
Still Tuesday:
Get on blog at work and let people know why I have not been posting.
Right now:
Reread this and realize it is almost as long as my weekend but decide to post it anyways.

You have died of dysentery

2009-05-07T05:56:00.000-07:00

As a child in grade school like many of you I played Oregon Trail. I learned the joys of history, how to literally push your family to death, and why you should always go into the wilderness with no food at all and plenty of ammo. With these valuable life lessons and of course the upset stomach I have today I bring you the following.

Always make sure your food is cooked and thoroughly scared.

When going in a public place make sure and bring a pocket knife, paper clip, and some duct tape. I don't know how those would help in this situation I just know Macgyver always seemed to have them on him.

And when the dysentery finally does kill you as we learned in Oregon Trail make sure and have a backup plan.

An ode to Twitter

2009-05-06T06:07:00.000-07:00

My boss asked me about twitter yesterday he keeps reading that Opera, congress, and his next door neighbor are all on twitter. He asked for my honest opinion about it, this is what I sent him. He hasn't responded yet but I did notice he scheduled a meeting with HR. I love my job.

An Ode To Twitter
I went to twitter to post some tweats
That no one honestly cares to read
Random crap about my day
How I was bored on the freeway
How cool is this? I exclaim!
Every moment no matter how lame
Now you can read about my number two,
my grocery list, and my trip to the zoo
Every second I can add a tweat
I know what your thinking what a wonderful treat
Well your wrong, no seriously!
I could give a rats ass where you would rather be
I don't care that you stubbed your toe,
or how fast your nails grow
If you have something to say call my phone,
send me a text, or leave me alone!
Twitter you bastard you've doomed us all!
This will be how mankind falls!
If you want to tell me about your trip to Prague
Shut the hell up and get a blog.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

2009-05-05T06:06:00.000-07:00

Why do they call it shampoo instead of head soap or hair cleaner? I just try and avoid anything with the word poo in it.

Cave men discovered fire Einstein discovered relativity. E=MC'2 is quite famous but stick+stick=meat cooker just doesn't get the credit I think it should.

Yogurt is a bacterial reaction that you add fruit to and it turns something kind of gross into something great. Maybe we should take this approach with cancer and give it a funny hat or something.

My work did not go for the 4/10's idea I had, where you work 4 days at 10 hours and take Fridays off. I think my plan for 2/20's might just aggravate them.

I sometimes feel like I am seeing life through a sort of haze, a thick smoke that makes the future hard to see. My arresting officer said it was probably just the arson fire.

Fire can clean, it can renew a forest, it can sterilize surgical equipment, but it can't bring back Grandma in fact it does the opposite.

How to be an IT Manager or how to look busy

2009-05-04T10:53:00.001-07:00

As an IT manager I have a lot of responsibilities that involve making sure that things run as efficiently and smoothly as possible. But what people don't understand is that when I come up with new and innovative ways to make their jobs easier I do the same for me. So when it comes down to it 90% of my job is now automated. Programs that used to take me hours to do are now in easy scripts that take me minutes. Processes that took most of a day are being done on scheduled timers automatically at night, which basically means that I am bored. I have made my job so efficient that I have nothing to do. Now I do spend a lot of time researching new ways to do things, learning new programs, and trying out anything to help things go even smoother. But there is only so much you can do before you are being so efficient that there is little to no room for improvement. I am now a fire marshal I am just waiting for a fire so I can go and put it out. This however gives people the wrong impression. You see it comes down to simple perception. People don't understand my job so they think that I am being lazy. When in fact I had more overtime last year than everyone in two departments combined. And if something does go wrong I often have to work the entire weekend to make sure things are tip top by Monday so that no one else is put out. So I have a delicate balance to maintain. If other departments think I have nothing to do then they will give me more of their work load. That's fine I don't mind helping but when a problem does arrive and it takes me all day to fix it then things fall behind because they are depending on me to do their work and everything goes to crap. So I have to look busy all the time to make sure that things don't go horribly, horribly wrong. Trust me and ask any IT guy he will tell you the same. I know it sounds like I am rambling but you need to understand. When I have work to do it is an insane amount and usually needs to be done right that second. So now I finally get to my point how to look busy when you have nothing to do.
1. Look annoyed at all times: people who are busy are usually upset about it and it's important to look the part.
2. Simple problems usually fix themselves so stall for time: How many times have you called your tech guy and then it miraculously started working? People make mistakes, as much as they don't want to admit it. So when someone calls me with an email that wont send or a speaker that isn't working I always answer the same way. "Can you give me just a second I will be there as soon as I can, I just need to finish this first?" This gives the illusion that you are doing something really important you wait 10 minutes then go, 99.9% of the time the problem has been resolved by the time you get there. This lets them save face because you didn't walk up and just push a button, which makes them feel stupid. And when you are working on something critical they will be used to waiting for a minute and not get really annoyed that you didn't come right away.
3. People skills: When someone asks me to fix say an email that wont send then tells me about a strange pop up they got three weeks ago and how the two are probably related I always pretend to listen. Most people are computerly stupid and if it happened on the computer then of course it relates to everything else that happened on the computer. I even pull up a command prompt and pretend to check a vital system then try and explain that thanks for letting me know but no those aren't related. This gets hard to do after a few years on the job and that's why most IT guys seem like they are one Mountain Dew and explanation away from buying a gun and coming back to destroy those who oppose them. But people skills are important because you need to pretend that you care.
4. Maintenance denial: Computers need basic maintenance just like a car needs oil changes. Files get corrupted things slow down and if not taken care of somewhat regularly then small problems like an oil leek turn into big problems like your engine seizing up and having to get a new one. But if I so much as lay a hand on your computer then everything you do for the next month that doesn't work will be blamed on what I did to your machine. If you don't know what I am doing then you assume that I am sabotaging you for some unknown reason. So to get around this only do maintenance when others aren't around early in the morning, or late at night, when they are on vacation, or quickly while they are at lunch. Never let them see you doing something to their computer that they don't understand why. But make sure that someone else knows you are doing it. Make reports to your superiors that all computers are up to date, use buzz words like synergy, optimized, and, enhanced. They wont know what the hell you are talking about anyways so you might as well make it sound good. This lets them know that you are doing something when it seems like everything is going fine.
5. Meetings: Take meetings, go to meetings, and say something at every meeting. This lets people think that you care about what is going on. Who knows you might actually pick up something useful at a meeting once and a while like what internet sites to block. Meetings are the universal way to make people think that you are big and important and most of all busy that is why executives have a lot of meetings. Then you can say things like "sorry Bill I am so swamped I have to skip this meeting," when you have things to actually do and it makes you seem extra busy.

I hope this has helped you understand the keys to being an effective IT Manager

Ah the joys of IT Managing

2009-05-01T00:45:00.000-07:00

So as an IT Manager every now and then I get a fun message at 11:00 at night. It says something like critical error and I have to get out of the bed I was pretending to sleep in and drive to work. Why you ask? Say it's my mail server, if my coworkers and bosses loose even one email I have given them ammo to complain about even more things then they already do, and a reason not to work. Since it is my goal in life to give them no excuse what so ever for them to not do their jobs I have to take care of the problem day or night. Now it's 3 am I am still here and probably will be for another few hours. Ah the joys of IT Management.

New Diet Fad that realy works!

2009-04-30T05:46:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to get on the diet fad band wagon for a long time now. Not the loose weight side of it, the making money off of people with low self esteem part. My plan is simple and has 5 steps.
Step 1: Enroll in my eating guide plan helper thing and pay me money.
Step 2: Buy the crappy food I found in the back of my fridge that I tell you is healthy
Step 3: Buy some snack food bars that is basically peanut butter rolled in something sticky. But only the ones I sell.
Step 4: Pay me more money to join the super platinum members club
Step 5: Give me a great testimonial because you are to embarrassed to admit that you payed me way to much money for something that didn't work. Then tell all your friends it's great.

I will be a millionaire by Christmas.

Animal cookie-itus the silent killer

2009-04-29T05:43:00.000-07:00

Swine flu has been in the news recently along with bird flu, mad cow, and crazy chicken. I may have just made up that last one but who would know? It got me wondering what animal illness they will come up with next to shock us into hating pets. It always seems to be news when some animal illness kills someone but the regular people flu has an estimated 63,730 annual deaths attributed to influenza and pneumonia. Was it a slow news day? Why do these stories always seem to make the front page. In other words you are more likely to be hit by a bus on your way to work than to get swine flu and die. They should do a shocking story on the upswing of people that choked to death on animal cookies and call it animal cookie-itus what the cookie company is not telling you, story at 10. I guess they are tired of talking about the recession so they decided to scare all these out of work people to death by telling them that there is a rampant case of some unknown virus sweeping the nation, and oh by the way we are rubbing it in that you don't have health insurance anymore. Ya, that should cheer people up. Perhaps next time they can show the dangers of owning puppies and how leprechauns are the reason that your bank failed. Thanks credible news sources and until next time this is Syden Insomniac good night, and good luck.

Calling in sick

2009-04-27T04:38:00.000-07:00

So in this age of super communication calling in sick is a whole new thing. I have to text my boss, then text the people who are going to be at the office first, then send an email to make sure that my boss knows because he might not check his text in the first place. Then because I am the IT Manager that might not matter anyways because if something breaks they are going to call me on my cell so I can remote into their computer to fix it. So really staying home from work is just saying 'I am going to work from home today.' Sometimes I wish I was back in pioneer days. If I didn't show up I was probably dead. Of course back then things like diarrhea and the common cold killed people. So the question becomes how much do I not want to be disturbed when lying in bed trying to keep whats on the inside well.....inside? Ya I think I would rather die then try and talk another salesman through how to get his email while holding my head on in hopes that it wont explode from the pain because he is in the wrong mail box again. But on second thought then I wouldn't have as many readers if I had to carve all these random semi meaningless thoughts on a tree outback. Oh well back to bed...

ADD Managers

2009-04-24T07:51:00.000-07:00

I have been reading about ADD lately (you know Attention deficit disorder) and was wondering if we really should be treating it? Now ADD is most apparent in children under 7. Really your child under 7 has problems paying attention really! But seriously I realize that this is a disease and all, but just listen to the symptoms.

•Often fails to pay close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork or other activities
•Often has trouble sustaining attention during tasks or play
•Seems not to listen even when spoken to directly
•Has difficulty following through on instructions and often fails to finish schoolwork, chores or other tasks
•Often has problems organizing tasks or activities
•Avoids or dislikes tasks that require sustained mental effort, such as schoolwork or homework
•Frequently loses needed items, such as books, pencils, toys or tools
•Can be easily distracted
•Forgetful often

Now think about those for a minute. Not only dose every child I have ever met under the age of 7 have these symptoms but let’s look at it in a different light for a moment these Kids are the managers of tomorrow.

•My Manager often fails to pay close attention to details or makes careless mistakes then blames it on me.
•My Manager often has trouble sustaining attention during meetings and work hours.
•My Manager seems to listen only to himself and I have found that if I do not use to much vulgarity I can pretty much say what ever I want because his brain literally shuts off until it is his turn to talk again.
•My Manager has difficulty following through and he gives incomplete instructions; example: go to the supply warehouse and get me the um… boxed thing I enjoy so much.
•My Manager often has problems with organizing tasks and activities and is always late and leaves early unless golf is involved then he reverses the order and arrives early and leaves late.
•My Manager avoids tasks that require sustained mental effort and will do anything to put them off such as reports and employee evaluations.
•My Manager frequently loses needed items, such as books, pencils, TPS reports, his snack pudding, and payroll hours then sends me out to get him more / makes me work overtime to finish them.
•My Manager can easily be distracted by golf, shinny things, jiggling keys, and the thought of coming to work.
•My Manager never remembers any part of a conversation that did not involve his new pro putter 7000 with the new titanium shaft, GPS tracking module, and laser guided hole projector, with the baby skin custom grip.

So I am not sure that I should treat my child for ADD otherwise he might turn out to be hard working and not the least bit qualified to be a manager.

What shamwow is not telling you

2009-04-23T06:12:00.000-07:00

The sham wow is that super absorbent German engineered product that has funny infomercials. So sleep deprived as I was I decided to give it a try. Here are a few things that the sham wow did not do so well.

Diaper: It is supposed to be super absorbent so I put one on a two year old fed him 15 bananas, a bran muffin, and 4 fiber shakes. While it did absorb most of the final product it gave the kid a rash and now after several cleanings still smells.

Unusual cleanup: The sham wow completely failed to clean up all of the human blood I needed it to 8 quarts is a lot and the sham wow just doesn't have what it takes.

Blanket: To small

Sweat Band: It did surprisingly well as a sweat band except for the fact that after the work out when rung out it gives you everything back it absorbed and that's a lot of sweat to deal with.

Tampon: In a jam I guess it would do ok but don't expect to get all the blood out.

Wash Cloth: Who wants to pay 20 bucks for a wash cloth.

Pirate ship sail: It did not hold the wind very well, didn't have a skull on it, and is far to small to act as a sail. I will write the company.

Cape: The sham wow did stretch enough to tie around a neck but did not have the cape feel I was looking for.

Nuclear waste: Absorbent yes. Super mutant absorbent no.

Gas siphon: Tie 6 or so sham wow's together then use a wire hanger to force it into a gas tank and pull out ring out and walla! Free gas.

Except now my sham wow is rapidly degrading, smells like gas and poo, is pinkish stained, exhibit A in the trial, and is highly flammable. Not a great product folks.

Bathroom etiquette 101 men addition.

2009-04-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

Bathroom etiquette 101 men addition.

1. Urinals: When in the bathroom you are not permitted to stand at the urinal when someone else is at the one adjacent to it. If you find yourself in a situation where the only free urinal is next to one being used then hold it or go into a stall. The only exception to this rule is if the urinals have the slight fake walls on both sides then pee were you may.
2. Conversation: It is never ok to talk in the bathroom when you or the subject of your comment is touching porcelain or is unzipped. This means that yes when we are both washing our hands a polite hello is acceptable. Anything other than programed response answers is still not allowed under any circumstances. Example "whats up?" is still ok because I can force a smile and nod but something like "did you see Lost last night?" IS NOT OK. You can wait till we are outside the bathroom to talk about Sawyers latest nickname.
3. Cell Phones: If your phone rings in the bathroom it is ok to ignore it completely let it ring, if for some reason you don't like your ringer you may push the button to make it stop ringing. YOU MAY NOT ANSWER IT. If I call you and I hear grunting the background we can no longer be friends. Do not squat and talk not ever not even to call your sick wife. You can do that from the hall. The phone rings to tell you that the heart you have been waiting for is ready for transplant, YOU ZIP UP GO OUTSIDE AND TAKE THE CALL.
4. Eye contact: While eye contact is ok and even encouraged in public relations. This rule does not apply in the bathroom. Never make eye contact I dont care if that guy in the office that shares your floor thinks you have autism keep your eyes to yourself in the bathroom!
5. Sounds: Sometimes you have to make sounds when dropping he kids off at the pool. If you find yourself in a situation where this is unavoidable use these rules. If you are alone go nuts the walls can shake for all I care. If you are interrupted by a casual pee-er go silent mode until they leave guys are fast. Courtesy flushes are not only a nice way of getting rid of a smell but can mask your ghastly sound try and flush before epic attempts at world records. If someone is sitting in a stall also making cable then it is ok to both make sounds as long as you follow the above rules. And yes it is ok to pretend you are not in a stall and lift your feat when your boss comes in a exclaims "Oh God what is that smell!"

If you have any questions about the above do not ask in the bathroom.

Online Dating

2009-04-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

Lately for kicks I have been making up fake profiles and posting them on dating sites to see if I can get responses. Here is one I posted 2 days ago

Username: notafreakingpsycho23
Birthday: March ?? ???? I’m not sure the exact year but I know it was a while ago ‘cause I can’t seem to remember it at all.
Education: N/A
Occupation: N/A
Favorite Color: Red but only if it looks like blood
Hobbies: Pretending, dreaming, dreaming about pretending, and pretending to be dreaming.
Pets: I used to have a cat but he got locked in the oven on lasagna night. And my tape worm frank

About me:
Hello my name is Toby my favorite pastime is practicing smiling in the mirror. Sometimes I go to old folks home and smile at them until they ask me to leave. My big goal is to no longer look so creepy when I am smiling. Old people look like wrinkled peanuts I wonder how salty they are.

I was raised in the commune with the other soldiers of god by my Dad and my 17 moms we learned lots of great things like shooting, skinning small animals, and making moon shine in the old tub out back. I was there till I was 9 and was traded to the government as a show of good faith. Hmm I wonder how that turned out.

My Ideal Partner:
I am looking for a woman with wide child bearing hips and real hair. I had a girlfriend once named rain she lived in forest behind the government holding center and used to sing to tree frogs for blessing from the great mother. I stopped seeing her after the doctor adjusted my medication. So now that I am out I don’t take it anymore in hopes she will come back

Location:
I live really close to the train and like to shout wooo woooo when it goes past ever three hours.

My Ideal Date:
I would take you some place really fancy like McDonalds and let you get whatever you wanted. If you got hungry later you could try some of my squirrel stew but that’s more of a second date kind of thing.

My Favorite music:
I think that music is from Satan except maybe Linkin Park they are pretty good.

Favorite Movies:
I have never seen a movie up close but sometimes I sneak into my neighbors back yard and watch their TV from the bushes. You can’t hear but its more fun to make up the words anyways. My favorite TV show is friends when I do the voices for them it’s just like living on the commune.

Favorite books:
I enjoy reading the things written on the sides of the train when it passes but it goes real fast so sometimes I hurt my neck trying to look at it so quick.

Closing:
So if you are interested in bearing children, learning combat skills, and know your amendment rights I am the guy for you.

Conversation Translated

2009-04-21T07:39:00.000-07:00

I work with a lot of girls and I realized that what I say is not always what they hear. So I came up with this handy translation guide.

What I said: Good Morning
What you heard: I don’t care enough about you to notice that you’re wearing new shoes

What I said: Hey do you have that report for me?
What you heard: You are incompetent and fat and I hate you and everything you do here.

What I said: You look nice today.
What you heard: You looked like crap yesterday

What I said: I’m going to lunch, be back in an hour.
What you heard: You need to loose weight and I am throwing it in your face by not inviting you to lunch even though I have never before invited you to lunch. Which means that I have always thought that you where fat, oh and I hate you.

What I said: Hey great job on that report.
What you heard: I am mocking you and think that you’re incompetent.

What I said: I’m out of here have a great night.
What you heard: Even though you’re supposed to work two more hours today because I was so insulting today wait 5 minutes after I leave then go home.

Ya My car didn’t start and I saw you leave the parking lot.