Sunday, August 30, 2009

Why I hated School

seseme street

I can’t do any kind of alphabetizing without singing that stupid song over and over again.

I often wonder why George Washington cut down a cherry tree just to prove that he wouldn’t lie about it, but at the same time it makes me think of him as an axe wielding psycho with a blood lust for sap with trophies of his exploits like his wooden teeth. (Side note: History teachers do not like it when you question them on things like this.)

Recess was my first experience with gang rivalry.

I am still upset about having to learn cursive just to sign my damn name on a check.

My Major in College was theater (I don’t know why either) I never taken a single computer class... I am an IT manager.

The closest application I have come to using art appreciation is laughing at something scrawled on a bathroom wall.

Teachers always told me there was no extra credit in real life. The careful application of a Christmas gift with a steady stream of butt kissing is exactly like extra credit.

Success is not 99% sweat 1% talent. It is in fact 20% work, 79% who your Dad’s friends are, oh and 1% talent if you actually got the job on merit.

I am still waiting to use the calculus I was told I would need later in life.

Friday, August 28, 2009

The Franken Pickle

A long time ago a struggling farmer in brokeandpoor'istan decided that his cucumbers did not have the shelf life they needed to get him through the harsh winter. Why did he grow cucumbers when there are better tastier things to grow no one knows. Anyways he used his knowledge of unholy science (graduated magnum come laudy from unholy University or Evil U) to infuse the cucumber with the essence of undeath and of course dill for flavor. And thus the pickle was formed using this dark ritual of sucking life from an object using brine, this gave the young farmer sadistic ideas. Now this farmer of fragrant death did so well tricking the locals into buying his sacrilicious forbidden fruit that he was eventually able to buy a castle and by proxy terrorizing the peasants which was the custom of the day. (Like when you live in Malibu California you are expected to talk like a moron, same thing in brokeandpoor'istan but you terrorize peasants.) The pungent fumes of distinct distilled death hung about the town like the eking ooze of an overfull sewer in spring time. No one could stand the new land owner except a large mentally challenged boy who was born without a sense of smell. He worked for the new lord in his defunct factory all the day long. But the farmer, turned lord, turned terrorizer, turned evil scientist demanded more. He hatch a cleaver scheme and employed his Knowledge to turn the large retarded boy into an untiring slave (Go Evil U home of the flying monkey mascot.) So he took the boy and threw him into the pickle vat and drained him of life, then added dill for flavor. The boy emerge a very stinky monster enraged and upset (mostly because he couldn't get that nasty taste out of his mouth.) He raged forth into the town and upon seeing their large slow child now pickled beast from beyond, they set forth and killed the lord and destroyed all that was left of his laboratory. Thus destroying the formula for pickles forever! Or so they thought but the Lord had sent the formula to his alma mater Evil U and they published it in the "were are they now" magazine. And that's why I didn't go to my 10 year high school reunion... No wait different story sorry. And that's why I don't like pickles. Because they are made from retarded children and the shattered dreams of oppressed villagers with just a hint of dill.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The worst ideas I have had for blogs so far

When trying to come up with something amusing everyday to blog about sometimes you just run out of ideas. But on the other hand I do have scruples here are some of the topics that got thrown out.

1. Blogging: Who wants to read a blog about blogging, wait forget you read this one.

2. The joys of abstinence: I tried to convince myself that it was joyful not getting any, but then I started crying uncontrollably.

3. Popcorn: After butter and salt I started thinking about going to movies alone then the joys of abstinence and started crying again.

4. Being Nice to people: I just honestly couldn't think of anything to say so I didn't say anything at all

5. Why I hate pickles: I might do this one on a 'desperate for ideas' day in the future but I figured who the hell cares.

6. The Worst ideas I have had for blogs so far: oh um well it's a slow day

7. What it's like to get a good nights sleep: I tried for hours but had no real life comparisons so I gave up.

8. Blank page: I tried but it wouldn't let me publish it for some reason

9. 10 best blogs: Then I thought I shouldn't tell you because then you might not read mine anymore

10. The top 10 reasons women wont date me: I figure if they read any of my previous posts this just becomes redundant.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A plea to the masses stop the insanity

We live in troubled times the banks aren't secure, there is a constant threat of terrorism, job loss is at an all time high, and sometimes when I put one of those new air fresheners in my car that looks like a tree I can only smell it for like a day. And in this turbulent time we look to make it worse I am talking of course of chain letters. Let me set a few things straight.

1. Bill gates will never give you money for anything he will actually bleed you dry and swim in your blood while he makes you try and use vista before he would consider giving you money. Then he would sell your organs.

2. There is no virus that will burn a hole in your hard drive. Seriously people burn a hole in your hard drive? Is the virus made out of magnesium and ignites when you open the email? If that's the case the inventor of the virus deserves a medal or grant or something for figuring out how to bend the laws of physics and send solid matter through email.

3. Norton Anti-virus is not gearing up for a big virus. What do you think that they hear through the virus grape vine that there is a new contender in town and start a massive undertaking with special troops dressed in ninja outfits? No that's their job they are nerds sitting in a basement fixing stuff so stop thinking of them as elite commandos out for blood.

4. A funny picture will never move if you send this email to three people. What the hell is wrong with you people? Do you think that the email knows magically when you send it on then lovingly grants you your grandest desires? No, so stop sending me this crap

5. You will not have bad luck if you don't send this to seven people if anything you will have good luck for not sending it at all. If you ever get one of these send it back seven times to the person who sent it with a death threat attached if you can.

6. This is real people it was check out by Snopes is awesome for debunking rumors and hoaxes I uses them often. Just because an email has this on it doesn't mean a damned thing! Check your facts before you send it. I recommend actually using (you people make me cry inside sometimes.)

7. Political opinions, religious opinions, and cute pictures of kittens should not be sent to every person on your contacts list. Ever stop to think my opinion might be different than yours, and what you sent was actually pretty offensive? Especially those damned Kittens!!! I don't want to see them frolicking about with quotes that says "look they think they're people." And if you get a response from me and I have edited and put little Hitler mustaches on all of your kitties or taken them off of political leaders don't freak out if you want my actual opinion I will give it to you.

8. Funny haha I love funny emails but know your audience. The send to all email is not for everyone. This is how spammers get lots of new email addresses ever day just one of these intercepted emails has like 50 new names on it. You know why? You forwarded a forward of a forward of a forward. At least have the decency to clean it up a bit before you send it on.

9. When you misspell a word it shows up in red. Now I am not the king of spelling anyone reading any of my posts will know that instantly, but if it's burning red at you just look at the suggestions for spelling please. I catn taek thiss craap anymores

10. Just stop the insanity. If you want to know what's what, the internet is a great tool. But it is also full of idiots on an idiotic rampage unwittingly trying to destroy the world by a combination of shock, awe, and chain letters. Don't participate in the mayhem I am begging you.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Show reviews

I watch a lot of T.V. while not sleeping and I thought a synopsis of some of the shows I saw this season might be helpfull.

House: Strung out narcissistic Doctor repeatedly misdiagnoses patients with the help of supposedly qualified team until harassed by under dressed chief of medicine who he mocks then figures it all out.

30 Rock: The brave story of mentally handicapped actors and their attempt to make a show.

Bones: Socially retarded bone expert makes FBI agent sexually frustrated.

Prison Break: If you missed season 1 there is now no actual prison.

Terminator the Sarah Connor Chronicles: Over protective mom prepares son for possible future in army.

Lost: Gilligan's Island remake if Gilligan crash landed in a plane, the skipper was an insane balding knife enthusiast, and Marry Anne was a homicidal tease with daddy issues.

Castle: Writer uses wealth to hinder police investigations while hunting for tail.

Better off Ted: Realistic look at business today.

The office: Failing paper company makes ends meet by working less.

Dancing with the stars: B actors crave spot light sometimes hurt selves.

Heroes: Watch as we give special powers to average people only to take them away over and over and over again.

Monday, August 24, 2009

More fun with yahoo answers

As some of you know I enjoy perusing the yahoo answers on occasion and screwing with people, this is one of those times.

Original Poster:
How do I get over an Ex?
It has been 4 months since me and my Ex broke up and I still think about him and dream about him I know it wasn't a good relationship and needed to end but how do I move on with my life?

Ex Doctor: (Me)
Have you tried looking at a picture of him while hitting yourself very hard in the back of the head? This is known in the profession as reference pain then when you think about your Ex next time you will think that he is a jerk for causing you so much pain. Note: this also works with ice cream flavors you don't want to eat anymore.

Original Poster:
Um.. How would that help I feel emotional pain when I think about him now that's my problem is that I think about him all the time everything reminds me of him.

Ex Doctor: (Still me)
Oh I see what the problem is try using a picture of a pony then.

Dawn Juan: (also me)
I got over my Ex by calling him up 30 to 40 times a day till he got a restraining order against me. Then when I got near him I got arrested and in prison I found the man of my dreams. He was a correctional officer and while he doesn't know I love him yet I follow him around town and take pictures of him then photoshop myself into them so it looks like we go everywhere together. We are so happy together.

Ex Doctor: (Me again)
Ah photo replacement stalker therapy good for you Dawn very healthy.

Silly Nelly: (Me once more, yes I make random email names then cancel them when I am done tormenting people)
Don't listen to them the best way to get over an Ex is to tell a doctor you are depressed which I am sure you are. When he prescribes Zoloft use a razor and cut it with some sweat and low and take about 5 at a time. After a week or two you will have trouble remembering anything at all.

Original Poster:
Drug abuse and stalking people can I get someone serious to help me!?

Semi Serious: (Yes it's still me)
First of all let me start by saying I am sorry you are in so much pain I have been there here are the steps that helped me get over my Ex.

1.Step one Eat more: really let yourself go then you will come to the realization that even if he did come crawling back he wouldn't want you back now that you are a bloated shell of a human being.

2. Step two Bore Everyone in the whole world with the details: Make sure that you don't have a single conversation without bringing up how much your Ex hurt you and how you miss him and want him back. Your friends and family and mail man that you bored to death will ban together to quickly beat the crap out of you with that photo album you insisted on showing them over and over again. Then you will have new things to worry about like medical bills and how you are going to eat all your food that you now love (see step one) through a straw.

3. Step three drunken phone calls: Get really hammered maybe not Zoloft and sweat and low hammered (seek help Silly Nelly) and call up your Ex and poor out your heart when you remember what you did the next day you will be so riddled with self loathing and guilt at what you said you will never be able to face him or her again.

4. Step four Do an Exorcism: Perhaps your Ex was in fact a hell spawn from beyond and you can't stop thinking about him or her because they have planted their demon seed in your immortal soul for kicks and giggles. Find a priest or a friend with a leaf blower (put it on reverse to suck out the evil) and just go nuts expelling his or her evil influence on your life.

5. Step 5 BURN IT DOWN!: If the priest or leaf blower where unsuccessful then it is time to burn away the very life that has trapped you into believing you can't live without this person. Take out a fire insurance claim and burn your apartment/house to the ground sear away all memories of the life you may have had together and start fresh with that insurance money. Or if they investigate you and that fails see Dawn Juan's answer while you are in prison for insurance fraud.

Original Poster:
Huh.. That actually helped thanks Semi Serious

Semi Serious:
All helpfulness what unintentional you getting any answers from the aforementioned intones that you are a strange and deeply flawed individual. Want to go out some time?

She has not answered me back yet

Friday, August 21, 2009

My thoughts about things

Global Warming: I think its a good thing because I was a bit chilly this morning.

Gay Marriage: I know most people wont touch this with a ten foot pole but I think that gays should have the right to get half their stuff taken away by an upset ex. Also with common law marriage laws in some states it would be funny to tell roommates that they have been living together for a year and now they are legally married.

Cheese Graters: Love em' how else are you going to make super delicious nachos?

President Barack Obama: If all the rumors are to be believed he is the Savior, the anti Christ, Going to kill old people, going to save old people, American, Islamic, Related to Hussein, Not black, extra black, and in a conspiracy to destroy/save American life as we know it. Now if all these things are true and both sides seem to think they are then he will implode any day now because all forces are in exact equidistant proportion and the slightest breeze will cause an intimidate implosion followed by the creation of a Black hole (no puns of any kind intended).

Health Care: Now if I am reading the news all the crazies are saying that this new health care bill will kill all old people and are outraged by it. The opposing side is denying this, so the only thing they seem to agree on is that killing old people is bad. But have they given this serious thought? If we in fact start offing old people then we don't have to worry so much about medicare, population control, and that one guy who goes 22 miles an hour on the freeway. The downside is that the mothball industry will take a serious hit as well as the butterscotch hard candy districts and Matlock reruns will have to be stopped immediately.

Blogging: If these thoughts did not get down somewhere I think I would probably have gone crazy a long time ago... Well crazier.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Total eclipse of the random Thursdays

A friend set me up on a date the other day. It didn't work out because we were looking for different things. She was looking for a better looking guy and I was looking for a girl with really low standards.

My area doesn't have a neighborhood watch program. So I decided to get a good buzz going. I would leave notes on random peoples windows that says 'I'm Watching you!' It worked great I even got the police involved in patrolling our street, and knocking on doors, and arresting old Mr. Johnson. Hmm.... Maybe I shouldn't have used his stationary.

I think that if God was an abusive drunken hillbilly you would be his finest achievement and he would be so proud of you. But He's not so.... ya.

Ever wonder if numbers have feelings and hopes and dreams and when they get multiplied it's kind of like them getting married and having children? And when they get divided it's like numbers going to war and getting horribly wounded and having to have a leg amputated then come home to an unforgiving family that never looks at him the same way again? Ya I don't think about that stuff either.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Best places to find girls

I can never seem to find girls so I have compiled a list of all the new places I can look.

1. Homeless shelters: Sure they may be stinky and have bad teeth but they don't run that fast because they are malnourished.

2. Graveyards: Not only do you get to see them all dressed up you get to see how bad they are going to cry at things. (Side note: the available ones are the ones in black next to the shinny box.)

3. Animal shelters: Girls are a sucker for puppies and kitties and stuff so if you threaten to harm them unless they go out with you they will have no choice.

4. Protests: It doesn't matter what they are protesting just pretend to be as passionate as they are. Then talk about "the man" a lot then ask them to go and get a bite to eat so you can share your red hot anger at stuff and things. (Note: this does not work at feminist rallies and you may end up with a broken pelvis.)

5. PTA Meetings: Pretend to be a hard up Dad with so much love for your dead wife and talk about how hard it is being all alone with a kid. (Note: this only works if you like chicks with kids. P.S. this may end poorly and with your arrest if you are found hanging out around high schools trying to find out when the next PTA meeting is.)

6. All girl colleges: Dress up like a girl, make friends, get invited to a slumber party, start a pillow fight. I am almost positive that every girl pillow fight end up with girls kissing. (Note: Please don't take this one away from me it's all I have.)

7. 3:00 AM Crispy Cream Donuts: Not only while you are waiting do you get to eat delicious donuts but any girl who shows up at 3:00 AM for a double twisty goo cruller is in desperate need of attention.

8. Prison: Sure they may have been locked up for stabbing their boyfriend with an ice pick 37 times but while they are incarcerated you get to control the amount of time you spend with them. Plus I have a friend who is a guard there and he can tell me which ones might physically harm me. (Note: I talked to my "friend" who is a guard is a big baby and wont have any part in this. Something about loosing his job and how I am insane blah blah blah!)

9. Department of Motor Vehicles: Wait for a crazy long line stand in it till you get a great spot then pretend to know the pretty girl that walks in and hopefully she will play along to get a spot in line. Not only will she see what a great line stander inner you are but you get to pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend for a while. (Note: these relationships only last about 2 hours and usually end in the "why the hell where you standing in this line in the first place conversation" to which I still have no answer and usually talk about yacht licensing till they see I am full of crap and leave me.)

10. Clinics: I am not sure what type of clinic it was but I know that most of the girls came out crying and in need of a hug. It was a gold mine.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Things I was Promised

Things That I was Promised but never got

1. Flying Car: I crash every car on the ground and that it has been deemed a safety violation for me to even be in a moving vehicle so I need the sky as a more open less oppressive place to drive.

2. A robot: I realized that robots like the terminator make us fear that if we make a robot really intelligent it will realize we are its inferiors and destroy mankind. But it would be really cool to have one until that happened.

3. Jet Packs: See flying cars

4. Holodecks: Like from star trek. How about any holo technology at all. I would settle for virtual reality head sets but no. Like the robots the holo programs could become intelligent and try and take us over. But unlike the robots they have to stay in the holo room and I am guessing that 90% of all holo programs would just be hot girls in skimpy cloths anyways, and I don't think I would mind them taking over.

5. Transporter technology: I once thought my microwave was a transporter and put a frog in there an set it so that he could go to the pond. When I ran down to the pond sure enough there was a frog and when I got home my mom got mad and made me clean the microwave. I told her that it was a new transporter so of course it would make a bit of a mess but there was defiantly nothing resembling a frog in there so I am pretty sure it worked.

6. Space travel: I can't go to the moon for a pleasingly vacation weekend. In fact they don't even send professionals to the moon anymore I understand that once you have cruised the sea of tranquility on a lunar scooter it's all pretty much down hill, but you could pretend that the billions we pay to NASA is going somewhere.

7. X-ray specs: These would only be used for nefarious deeds but still I thought they were on the horizon at least. And if I had a pair I wouldn't need to look so hard for that pesky Adams apple.

8. A girl friend: This is not one of those long term they promised this to my parents in the 70's and now I don't have it, but I got on one of those internet dating sites and they promised me a girl friend.

9. 401k Security: "Investing in this is the smartest thing you can do for your future" they said. Lame.

10. Healthy food that tastes good: Ok this is one that they have been promising since like forever in every future ever all your nutrition is in the form of really tasty food. BUT NO! healthy food still tastes like crap.

Friday, August 14, 2009

My letter to PETA

Dear PETA,

I saw yet another angry outburst from your organization the other day in the news. Which angry outburst? I can't be sure they all kind of blend together into one mass of crazy. That I tend to put in the same category as children hissy fits and feminists that scream about "man hole covers" means that the cities of the world are sexist. But it got me to worrying about your members since you always seem to be screaming and are never happy unless you are putting out sexually provocative adds about celery and something about naked women who don't like fur. Which is funny if you think about it because of all of those feminists who also belong to PETA and don't shave send the wrong message about fur being bad, but I digress. I was worried because you always seem to be so cranky. It is my understanding that you don't like tasty tasty meat products (to each his own) and I think you may be suffering from Protein deficiency.

Here is the definition: Protein deficiency is a serious cause of ill health and death in developing countries. Protein deficiency plays a part in the disease kwashiorkor. Protein deficiency can lead to reduced intelligence or mental retardation. Now I am not trying to say that all members of PETA are mentally retarded but then I looked a little further and found this

Mental retardation: A term used when a person has certain limitations in mental functioning and in skills such as communicating, taking care of him or herself, and social skills. These limitations will cause a child to learn and develop more slowly than a typical child. Children with mental retardation may take longer to learn to speak, walk, and take care of their personal needs such as dressing or eating. They are likely to have trouble learning in school. They will learn, but it will take them longer. There may be some things they cannot learn.

So if I am reading this right, and I think I am when you decided to stop eating meat you lost the basic ability to communicate, you developed eating deficiencies, and you started yelling at the world for not understanding. But that's not your fault because your social skills are being affected. And you think that yelling at everyone all the time for not agreeing with you is just your cute little way of trying to get attention. Now yelling isn't the best way to get what you want but it's ok because you take longer to learn things like that now. And I finally understand the anti fur campaign is that just because you are having trouble dressing yourselves? Or is it because it looks like a scary Monster? Don't worry it can't hurt you and if you need help getting dressed there are all kinds of facilities that can teach people with your special needs how to get on those hard coat sleeves and really difficult things like tying your shoes. What am I saying you probably can't understand me but that's ok PETA because I now understand that there are just some things that you can not learn.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

10 reasons to feel pretty

Ever have one of those morning where you wake up and no matter how you look at it you just feel like crap you look like crap and nothing in this world can help? Here are a few things that might cheer you up.

1. Fat people are hard to kidnap. So you probably don't have to ever worry about that one.

2. Pretty people are constantly being harassed by non pretty people which means that today at least you will not be harassed.

3. Sweatpants are very comfortable and that hole in the crotch makes it nice and breezy. Why is it that every pair of sweatpants in the world has a hole in the crotch?

4. You are probably going to get to eat some kind of cake tonight. Cake is for celebrations and for self loathing. So really it's a celebration of self loathing.

5. Odds are no one at all cares enough about you to care what you look like. Does that help at all?

6. You have to believe in yourself when no one else does. Like now for example.

7. If you do get anything all done today besides baking yourself a loathing cake you will probably be praised for it in that 'one' tone "Hey way to go man. I knew you could do it if you put your mind to it, you went to the grocery store all by yourself, great job." You know the tone I am talking about. The one you use in the room when grandma is dying and you are talking to a particularly slow kid.

8. When you finally do get around to bathing yourself you will probably find that gummy bear you lost down your shirt.

9. No matter how ugly you are you can always go to Walmart and feel just a little better about yourself. Or bad for humanity, but you decided.

10. You are pretty on the inside, I have no proof but I am assuming against better judgment.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Totally random and sort of conspiracy related

Global warming is a conspiracy by Women who are chilly and don't want to wear that unflattering sweater.

Hospitals are open 24/7 so why does it take 5 days to get a test done? Because I am sure there is only one actual doctor and 900 interns.

The "failed economy" is just a plan to fight immigration we figure if it gets bad enough here maybe people will just go home. This has been in beta in the state of Texas for the past 75 years.

Fat people are the new majority. hehe get it.

New politics idea. Take all the left wing liberals and the right wing nut jobs and lock them in a room without food or water. I am guessing the entire political system will stabilize in about 5 years.

New study shows that 6 out of 5 women are bad at math.

Congratulations to Colgate the 5th dentist caved and now they are all recommending brushing your damn teeth. (This comment made after a meeting with someone with bad breath)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Why you Women don’t understand us men

It finally clicked the other day why women don’t understand us men. And I know there have been articles and studies done on the subject. Probably millions of dollars sunk into understanding the delicate ego that is the male mind. Well guess what, those studies where done by women. (Also while reading this article if you do it in your best Zapp Brannigan voice from Futurama it helps drive the point home) They couldn’t possibly understand the complexities of the man’s man or even better the man’s man’s man.
Let me break it down for you.
While you women where playing with my little ponies us men where playing with G.I. Joes. Now would you 20 years later want to go see a my little ponies movie? No, that’s stupid. Would I want to go see a G.I. Joes movie? I am going again in twenty minutes.
You used to play tea party with your little dollies. Sure you can do that now but it’s boring your friends that like tea are pretentious. I used to play in the mud with my toys. I still play in the mud with my toys the only difference is my toys are cooler now.
It even comes down to food as a child you liked hot dogs cut up in Mac and cheese now you like salad and healthy crap. I also liked hot dogs in Mac and cheese and I just had it for lunch. The only reason I didn’t have steak is because it takes to long to cook, and I didn’t have a woman to cook it for me. So while you are changing year to year us men are staying the same. Stop looking for our subtitle changing ways you knew us when we where 5 and we are pretty much the same the only difference is you don’t have as many cooties now.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Things I learned while being sick

There are a few things you learn by being sick that you just can't learn any other time in your life. Like how many times will a nurse stick you with a needle without hitting a vein before she apologizes? How much will that doctor that stuck his head into your room and never actually spoke directly to you end up charging you? And my favorite how many times will you be asked "hey how you feeling?" before you completely flip out? I decided to share some of these secrets with you so that you don't have to wonder anymore.

How many times will a nurse stick you before she apologizes? In my experience it takes 9 miss pokes before you get the "I'm sorry" then when she finally hits the vein she will look at you and expect immediate praise. I recommend giving it to her because you never know if she will be the same nurse later that makes you pee into 30 to 40 cups. I believe if you say thank you, you only have to pee into 2 cups.

How many cups will you be asked to pee into before they realize that they asked you not to eat or drink passed midnight and you are completely empty? 2 unless you didn't say thank you then 30 to 40.

How many times will you be asked the exact same personal information in one day? How many people did you see wearing scrubs this is the answer.

How much will that doctor that didn't actually speak to you end up charging you? 7 to 8 hundred dollars or 100 dollars a second or 50 dollars a word.

How many times will you have to go to the doctor/hospital before you have a diagnosis? I am up to 10 I'll let you know when I have a diagnosis.

How many times will someone ask you "hey how you feeling?" before you just flip out and start what will later be know as the worst killing spree in history? Just ask me one more time and find out.