Tuesday, June 30, 2009

You wanted free answers

The internet is full of people looking for answers to things. This is how I like to screw with them. The following are via yahoo answers.

Original Post:
How do I get rid of a beehive? I have a nest under my porch and every summer there are tons of bees all over my yard. Anyone know how to make them stop coming back?

Bee master (ME):
Have you tried the honey technique? Dip your hand in honey get really close to the hive and lure the bees away. When they get tired of making their own honey and realize that you have an abundant source of free, non union honey they will move to the good life. Then just smear all that honey on a neighbors door preferably the one you didn't like anyways.

Optimus Bee (also me):
lol the honey hand only works in Canada you need to lure the bees from hiding by pretending to be their queen. The queen of the africanus Beeimus calls her bees with a low hum like sound. As everyone knows bees will not sting their queen so get as close as you can and hum loudly when you are designated as the new queen you simply have to walk away from your house and the bees will follow. Hum again and the bees will stay where you designate. This worked for my neighbor Bill.

Original Poster:
Ok Optimus Bee that sounds totally made up nothing I google about humming to bees comes up at all.

Bee Keeper 3000 (also me):
No Optimus is Totally right as a 30 year bee keeper this is what I always use to keep bees from stinging me. Just make sure you get close enough to the hive when you start your lips almost have to be touching it for it to work right. Also I have heard of the honey hand technique working in Canada but I have never tried it personal.

Original Poster:
........ Are you serious!?

Bee Keeper 3000 (also me):
Why would I take the time to answer you if I was just going to blow smoke?

Original Poster:
I think I am just going to get some pesticide or something.

Bee Master:
Fine if you don't want to get rid of that neighbor I guess killing innocent bees is the answer YOU MURDERER!

Original Poster:
I don't want to kill them they are just dangerous don't get all huffy.

Optimus Bee (also me):
If you want an organic pesticide that wont hurt them just drive them away combine 2 cups, of water 1 cup of sugar, tablespoon of honey, and a dash of all spice (for flavor). Then spray liberally.

Original Poster:
Wont sugar and water just attract more bees?

Optimus Bee (also me):
I thought you wanted more bees? For less bees don't use the all spice.

I never heard back from her I hope her bee situation worked out.

Monday, June 29, 2009


There are many kinds of silence in this world, so many in fact that I have not had a chance to experience them all. There is a certain silence at 3:08 in the morning that differs slightly from the silence at 6:05, right before the sun comes up. There is a silence after you tell a joke and anticipation before you know if there will be laughter or more silence. There is a silence of mourning and a moment of silence for the fallen. There is a palpable silence when you take a stage that only you can hear. There is the silence of a hunter stalking it's prey and the silence before something spectacular is about to happen. And with all the variations and tapestries of silence that are woven together I have come to a conclusion. I don't really like silence well, not "that kind" anyways.

I find that I narrate many things in my own head, and while most people just think about things. I on the other hand have a tiny me inside that actually takes time to punctuate every thought as though from a podium. He has slides, video clips, a laser pointer, and rehearses the way he wishes conversations would have gone. I sometimes argue with him but he always seems to win. He can make me laugh at random times, so when you see me randomly chuckle for no apparent reason it's because tiny me has just told a particularly good joke. Not necessarily because I think you looked really stupid talking on the phone and trying to push your elevator button and missing 4 times in a row. Although tiny me will probably bring that up later.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Relationships are complicated

My girlfriend suggested we start spooning, then after a while she mentioned that maybe we should fork. Not to be outdone I decided to knife her. Now I am in jail, girls are so complicated.

Lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek. Gee I hope I remember her name before this song ends. Otherwise I will have to keep calling her lady in red and if she changes cloths then I'm just boned.

I would do anything for love but I wont do that, no I wont do that. Seriously that's just sick what the hell is wrong with you?

In your eyes the light the heat, in your eyes I'm incomplete, in your eyes..... Sorry I'll stop staring I see that I'm obviously freaking you out.

Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take I'll be watching you. But at 100 yards because of the restraining order. Don't worry I got this nifty telephoto lens.

You take a lot of time to get pretty every day. Doing your makeup, picking out just the right outfit, making sure your hair is just so. Then you get mad when I stare at you. Your all like "What are you doing! Get out of my Tree!!!" Women! am I right guys?

Thursday, June 25, 2009


You have to actually turn on the dryer to make it dry that shirt you needed to wear for the morning meeting.

If you pay a needy cat any attention at all it will never leave you alone.....ever.
(This sentence is interchangeable with the word girl.)

Whatever lane you choose to be in on the freeway will be the slowest lane.

That thing you think you forgot but can't remember what it is, ya that was really important.

Your only clean towel is in the dryer with your meeting shirt.

Everyone knows that cloths of any kind add 10 or so pounds to the bathroom scale adjust accordingly.

Blood shot eyes really make that red shirt your wearing pop.

There are only 7 hours 58 minutes left to go before you can go home.

The good news is if this is in fact the worse day of your life it's all up hill from here..... except for you, you know who you are! There are only bad days left for you.

It's all a matter of perspective, unless you forgot your glasses then its all a matter of slightly blurred semi familiar objects.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Random and meaningless thoughts.

As I decided to do my blog today I had a veritable plethora of ideas. So many in fact that I mused about it for some time, then realized hours later that I never actually took the time to write down any of these thoughts. Of course now I can't remember a single one of them. Its not my fault, I don't sleep much. So you get random thoughts.

If fish is supposed to be so healthy for you explain wales.

Mood rings have gone out of style in recent years I propose that we perfect this technology so that it can perfectly detect your mood. Then the government will mandate that a mood stone be put on the forehead of every female. This will prevent further miss communications, stop wars, and make it so that when you are out of control furious I don't ask you out. Also there should be a "time of the month" systems critical warning.

My cat and I are in an epic struggle to kill each other but without the other knowing. I tried to tie a dryer sheet to him and well the rest is self explanatory, and he tried to gnaw my face off while I was sleeping. We where never that good at subtlety.

If French kissing is using the tongue then what is German kissing? Is it like invading Polandish tonsils or something.

Meh.. that's it for today I promise to sleep less tomorrow so I have something better for you.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Things you may not know about but should

If you put an egg in the microwave and cook it for 3 minutes on high (Honestly they say 'on high' but I have never changed a setting ever) it will explode. Also it will taste like a microwaved egg, well a microwaved egg and bits of lasagna but I think that might be unrelated.

Eventually in your life two or more Mormons will knock on your door, most of the time in white shirts and ties. If they are wearing a black silk outfit with a covered face and a katana they are not Mormons but ninja's. The difference is Mormons have accesses to rice crispy squares and ninjas will probably kill you.

If someone asks you what would you do for a Klondike bar? Kick them in the crotch immediately and say 'that!' Then run. This will eventually reach the ears of the Klondike people and your bar will be sent in the mail. Right around the time you receive the summons for your upcoming assault case. I got my assault papers yesterday so it should be here any time now.

If you ever accidentally run over a squirrel while mowing your lawn and the neighbor kid is watching after the kirrrrkirrrrksquanch sound is made. Point to the kid then point to the lawnmower, then point to that ball he threw into your yard, and smile. This will make a great story at the next block party and everyone will laugh and laugh. That reminds me I don't think I got my invitation yet.

That one girl at the gas station that is really pretty but also a little scary is just as scared of you as you are of her. That may be owing to the fact that you are wearing a ski mask. Do people actually wear those to ski anymore or do they just make them for robbers? But your face was cold and this seemed like a good conversation starter. So don't be afraid, and while you are lying on the ground being read your rights feel free to try and ask for her number. Or the number of the female officer.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Game of Life

Confessions of a hippo: Honestly I wasn't all that hungry hungry but I knew that if I didn't eat those disgusting pellets I would be called a looser.

Police today solve another crime by cheating and looking in the envelope. The commissioner had this to say: "Look people we just couldn't put together all the clues, and we all knew where the answer was." Professor plumb was arrested later that day exclaiming that he never would have been caught had the police just played fair.

An area man was investigated by child protective services earlier this week evidently he was nearing the end of his life and sold his four children for extra points. While there is technically a rule for it most agree that it is just bad form.

Wall street received and upset when Boardwalk and Park Place both had to be mortgaged in a single day. The owner thought he was secure with his purchases but most believe his addiction to ridding railroads and his excessive spending at the Waterworks and Electric company led to his downfall. He had this to say: "Sure I landed in jail a few times but I never got free parking and that's why I am going to loose it all."

In military news another battle ship was sunk off the coast of Maine today it was heard firing at its supposed target but never seemed to hit. When asked why they didn't just move their ship or try and see where their enemies might be instead of firing blindly the fleet commander simply replied, that would be cheating.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Your New car

Sometimes when I get really bored I post responses on craigslist here is one I had some fun with last week.

Original Ad:
Poor College Student looking to buy a used car anyone out there looking to sell?

From: Sydeninsomniac
Hi I saw your ad, I have a car I am looking to sell it's a reliable land rover in nearly perfect condition only has 242,000 miles on it (but most of that was down hill and those miles don't count as much) It is green and in some places red actually that will wash off so mostly green. If the millage is too high just let me know and I can crack it open and roll it back a bit. Just a few problems to note:

The drivers side door does not open from the outside so you have to go in through the back. Also the passengers side door does not open. The batteries in my auto lock ran out about a month ago and I can't unlock anything so the doors will remain shut until you get a new one. I can reduce the cost of the car by that of the battery if that helps.

The glove box is sealed shut from the glue I left in there (next time I will leave it in the bottle lol) but that's ok because I left half a salad in there from that time I was dating a hippie girl and told her I liked salad. But I couldn't force down any more and shoved it in the then glue covered glove box. So it is probably better that it doesn't open anyways.

Rear door is broken and does not lock (thank Goodness) and sometimes opens when you are on the freeway but if you kind of swerve back and forth real fast you can make it shut itself for a few miles.

The headlights are broken but the spotter lights on top work this is actually better because you can point the lights where you want to see and are not limited by just in front of the car.

If anyone asks you about the blood stain on the carpet in the back just tell that the previous owner liked to hunt or something they will buy that.

The brakes are brand new and of my own design and work almost 90% of the time I think it will be break through to the automotive world ha Brake through lol.

Oh and when I turn on the AC there is a smell like molten death so usually I leave it off. Plus you get some pretty good airflow from the back door opening so much.

So if there are any questions just let me know I am only asking $18,000 which is a steal for this kind of vehicle. Also I only take cash or checks made out to cash.

From poster to me:
Like I said I am a starving student so this is out of my price range thanks though.

From me to Student:
I'm sorry I meant to say $17,998 I deducted $2 for the battery.

From poster to me:
Ya it's not what I am looking for.

From me to student:
I am willing to negotiate the price came down yesterday the prototype brakes did not go as planned and now it has a cracked windshield and dented front. But the prototype mark II are installed and so far so good. So with the new technology and all I could come down to maybe $17,800.

From poster to me:
Look your car sounds like a piece of crap I don't want it stop contacting me!

From me to student:
As it turns out that "dog" I hit wasn't what I thought it was. How about I give you the car tonight and you give me $500 that will cover my plane ticket to Mexico?

From poster to me:
What the hell is wrong with you!? Did you hit someone with that piece of crap?

From me to Student:
Look I am a little desperate here so just give me $400 and we will put the car in your name today. You can't beat a deal like that!

From Poster to me
This conversation is over stop contacting me!! YOU ARE MENTALLY ILL SEEK HELP!!!

From me to student:
Sorry to say that the car you where so interested in is no longer available would you be interested in a different Black Land Rover newly painted, new windshield, New front end?

From poster to me:

From me to student:

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Blogging the final frontier

These are the stories of people who literally have nothing better to do than spout mindless dribble on the internet, and in the spirit of that here goes. The following are truly random thoughts.

The color red has to many meanings; stop, love, heart, blood, hot, pain, powerful, emergency, Red is the color of happiness and prosperity in China, it is the color of mourning in South Africa, and is associated with communist rule. Oh I get it red is the color of relationships. In other words it means what ever the hell my girlfriend decides it means at any given moment.

Movies that didn't make it:
Back to the future 4: Rise of the machines
Ghostbusters III: Why we shouldn't have crossed the streams
Better off dead II: Still better off dead
The most recent hulk: Oh sorry this belongs in the shouldn't have been made category
The Land Before Time part 10: The oil field
Star Trek the wrath of Khan Jr.: This time it's really wrathful

How many half human half green moon princess Captain Kirk's do you suppose are out there? And do you think he flies around in a space ship to avoid child support?

I bought a new bed to try and cure my insomnia (sorry readers) it did not have the desired effect. Now its like I'm not sleeping on a cloud.

I cheated on my long time breakfast companion while I was eating the breakfast burrito I was thinking about an egg McMuffin I am so ashamed.

I think if appliances started coming to life the one we would have to worry about would be the copy machine. After all we sat on it with no pants on made 20 copies then didn't call the next day.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Mary Poppins lied to me

She said a spoon full of sugar would help the medicine go down stupid insulin medication.

Mary Poppins: [singing] Stay awake, don't rest your head. Don't lie down upon your bed. While the moon drifts in the skies... Stay awake, don't close your eyes. Though the world is fast asleep, though your pillow's soft and deep, you're not sleepy as you seem; stay awake, don't nod and dream... Stay awake... don't nod... and... dream...... Ok now what!? It's 15 years later and I am still an insomniac WHAT NOW POPPINS!!!

Mary Poppins: In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun, and - SNAP - the job's a game!...... This did not go over well as my brief stint as the electric chair operator.

I am convinced that suicide a few years ago was not a man jumping off a building but rather trying to enter the magical chalk drawing bellow.

I broke my leg trying to umbrella fly I guess I bought the wrong umbrella.

I got stuck in the fireplace trying to enter the magical world of chimney sweeps.

And nothing so far in life has earned the title Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious or even the backwards version Suoicodilaipxecitsiligarfilacrepus which if you look closely enough it looks like: 'suicidal expects large filled creeps' I don't know what that means I just know that Poppins has lied to me.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Julius' Complex

This is the Wikipedia entry for Julius Caesar very slightly modified by me with the real motives behind the man.

Julius Caesar (13 July 100 BC[2] – 15 March 44 BC[3]), was a Roman military and political leader. He played a critical role in the transformation of the Roman Republic into the Roman Empire. And was the worlds biggest homophobe.

A politician of the populares tradition, he formed an unofficial triumvirate with Marcus Licinius Crassus and Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus which dominated Roman politics for several years. This was also all over the Greek tabloids with pictures as the 'first three way' which enraged Julius who had always tried to live down his effeminate name.
His conquest of Gaul extended the Roman world to the North Sea, this was an effort to 'man up' his image. So he set out on this bloody rampage thinking that if people thought of him as conqueror they wouldn't think flaming homo anymore. But his fashion sense, bright red cape, and hanging out with 20 thousand men in skirts did not have the effect Julius thought it would have. His neighbors in Britain started calling him 'The Lady in Red' which upset Julius' fragile ego so much he conducted the first Roman invasion of Britain in 55 BC. The collapse of the triumvirate, however, led to a stand-off with Pompey and the Senate. Leading his legions across the Rubicon, Caesar began a civil war in 49 BC from which he became the master of the Roman world. This was widely publicized as the largest hissy fit ever seen people like to say "Ikkle Cweasar lost his boyfriends and got all mad."

After assuming control of government, he began extensive reforms of Roman society and government, like the don't ask don't tell policy, and the amnesty of fashion sense policy. He heavily centralized the bureaucracy of the Republic and was eventually proclaimed "dictator in perpetuity" but in private circles was always known as 'the dictator of purple perennials' for his love of pretty flowers. A group of senators, led by Marcus Junius Brutus, assassinated the dictator on the Ides of March (March 15) in 44 BC, hoping to restore the normal running of the Republic. And finally get rid of the image of Rome Gayest place on earth. However, the result was another Roman civil war known as the hissy fit part II, which ultimately led to the establishment of a permanent autocracy by Caesar's "adopted heir" (if you know what I mean), Gaius Octavianus. In 42 BC, two years after his assassination, the Senate officially sanctified Caesar as one of the Roman deities. The God of love.
Marcus Junius Brutus was later convicted for hate crimes and gay bashing.

Monday, June 15, 2009

How to enjoy life when your life really sucks and you're probably a looser.

1. Laugh at the misfortune of others: Like the fact that you are on the internet right now and they are not.

2. Drive slowly in the fast lane: When you are having a bad day sometimes it helps to make someone else really really upset, and hey if you can piss off a cop while driving then taunt him into shooting you in the head you'll never have a bad day again.

3. Food: What food should you not be eating? Go get that and a lot of it, then batter it and fry it up for even more deliciousness. Your life sucks anyways you might as well enjoy a meal.

4. Wear sweat pants: When your life sucks your confidence is shot and people can pick up on that and shy away from you. So break out those sweat pants if people are going to avoid your gaze anyways you might as well be comfortable.

5. Nap: Take a nap you looser.

6. Write a blog: So that someone might leave you a comment and then check it every 6 seconds so and when it finally comes you can rejoice that someone actually cared enough to comment about the mindless dribble you're putting out there.

7. Make someone else feel better, or if that fails make someone feel worse then maybe they will try and make you feel better and the cycle will continue.

8. When you are having the worst day ever ask out the hottest girl/guy you see I mean it's not like your day could get worse. Oooh she maced you? Well at least you'll have a story to tell. If you had any friends to tell it to. Maybe that guy at the 7-11 wants to here about your day......

9. Take a walk. Not to clear your head really but to exercise. Beautiful people don't have bad days they fart rainbows and the world bows to their Superior genetic code. So maybe if you dropped a few pounds things would look up for you.

10. Read a funny blog and leave a comment. Do it now dammit.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Top reasons why it would suck to work for NASA

You can't say cool phrases like it's not rocket science, because odds are it is.

Everyone you talk to outside of work is probably dumber than you.

They only let the "real astronauts" drink the tang.

If you have a bad day at work and screw up odds are you just blew up half a building.

Astronauts have no sense of time and call at like 2 in the morning with the "we have a problem" crap.

They get mad when you program planet of the apes scenario in the flight simulator.

You have to work in Houston Texas

You have to live near Houston Texas

Your neighbors will most likely be Texans

Everyone you talk to out of work is not only dumber than you but you are in Texas which lowers the bar quite a bit.

Everybody gets really jumpy, when for April fools you switched the hydrogen cell for the worlds largest silly string can. Seriously take a joke people.

Every person you talk to will ask you "so have you been in space?"

Nobody will take your suggestions for the new shuttle name seriously. What was wrong with The Tang-inator, Moon Buster 4000, or The Ricken Socket Robot Rocket.

It took 20 billion dollars to get a photo of Mars and more people will look at an Angelina Jolie picture than at your life's work.

You have to live in Texas.

They let monkeys go into space but not you.

They let "frat boy Armstrong" into space but not you.

You work with the worlds coolest Rover but everyone gets upset when you borrow it to go to the seven eleven for a drink run.

People get angry when you eat your lunch in the anti gravity room. But jello in zero G just tastes better.

When you used the spinney machine to mix your paint can they gave you a demerit. It's not your fault the lid came loose while going 737 miles an hour.

No one laughed at the fill a bag full of air and pop it next to your bosses head when he is checking the highly explosive fuel ratios.

You have to live in Texas.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Virgin Insurance

I have recently discovered the ultimate fail safe for parents who are worried about their kids having sex, Virgin Insurance. This revolutionary new tool will make sure that your kids are safe at home and will never slip up. For an initial start up fee of 60$ and only 12 dollars a month you can be absolutely assured that your son or Daughter will never ever venture into premarital sex and they will enjoy themselves along the way. How is this done you ask? It's simple we trick your child, adolescent, teen, or even mid 20 year old into spending their time away from society as a whole. Wow you say! Yes it's just that simple and the best part is that they will never know that you are keeping them in check. Here's how to order. Go to your local Bestbuy or gaming store and pick up World of Warcraft. What you ask World of Warcaft how will that help? World of Warcraft is an online game that millions of parents have discovered is the perfect supplement for social interaction. Your child will while away the hours that he or she would normally be pursuing the opposite sex talking gibberish and battling the forces of evil. But wouldn't they get bored fighting a computer game all day you ask? No that is the genius behind World of Warcraft we pit your young sons and daughters against each other into a cast system of Alliance and Horde. With these two waring factions pitted against each other in an epic struggle for domination so they will never get bored. So get your copy of World of Warcraft today and experience the Wow sensation that is sweeping the nation. 12 dollars a month is a small price to pay to know that your son or daughter is still a virgin.

Side effects may include: Sudden weight gain, Urge to scream "for the Horde" at odd times, Social retardation, dark bags under the eyes from sleepless nights. New forms of speech may emerge common saying like "noob, Leet, epic, and gotta do my dailies" are common. If your child begins to slip and loose interest in the game encourage them to get into raiding guilds and then smile and nod when they talk about it endlessly.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Strange facts

Why is all leather not waterproof? I mean do cows discolor and shrink in the rain?

Butterflies taste with their feet.... so when they land on you they are just trying to eat your soul.

The elephant is the only animal that can't jump... So I think that all games where you can't jump the main character should be replaced with an elephant. So that when people complain and are like "why can't I jump?" I can say "dude you're an elephant."

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older... yet it seems about 1 in 2 piss me off on a daily basis.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men (this is an actual fact)....This is why you are terrible drivers your eyes are closed twice as much as ours.

A sail can sleep up to three years... I can sleep up to three hours a night.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match... Seems kind of like a backward step.

Something I learned when I was bored then looked it up to confirm. A quarter has 119 groves on its edge a dime has 118.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie... That's kind of messed up if you think about it.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Dream analysis

As an insomniac I don't actually have a lot of dreams to speak of. So I have become somewhat of a dream analysis expert so that when I do dream I can know what their meaning is. At least that's the story I told my coworkers and even though they have been burned by me before and horribly ridiculed because of it, they actually believed me. They started emailing me their dreams so that I could analyze them. Here are some of my abbreviated answers. Seriously though people you are starting to make it to easy for me to mock you.

Alison wrote:
I had this dream the other night were I am in a car and it has no brakes and I am heading for this river and I just know I'm going to crash. What does it mean?

My reply:
Well Alison this dream is a pretty common one, though mine usually involves a firetruck and some garden gnomes but I digress. Dreams where you are out of control are common for women especially, your inadequacy at even the most basic driving skills make it hard for your brain to process all the data your tiny girl brain sees when you are driving like an insane postal worker right on the edge of sanity. You feel powerless to take control of your raging hormones and as such, suck at driving. I hope this helps Alison,

Gary Wrote:
Syden I have this dream every so often that I am in the hospital dying and no one comes to visit. It's so strange it always leaves me rattled the next day. What do you think it is?

My Reply:
Gary that's @#$%'ing weird seek help man.
Your weirded out friend,

Joel wrote:
Ok this is a strange one I had this dream that I kept eating glass and it was really good so I just kept eating all this broken glass but I could never get full. What do you suppose that means?

My Reply:
Joel, of course, the old glass eating dream. I think just about everyone has a dream about eating endless amounts of glass once and a while. No wait that's just you. This dream is defiantly trying to tell you something perhaps you feel left out that you never got that razor in your candy at Halloween by the psycho down the street that smelled like pee. After all everyone else got a razor in their candy apple why not you? Because Joel nobody likes you. This dream is your brains way of telling you that it doesn't even like you and maybe you should eat some glass to end it all. Or maybe you have discovered the newest trend like deep fried candy bars, maybe deep fried glass could be next, YOUR GONNA BE A MILLIONAIRE! But most likely its meaning is that you deeply envy me and my awesomnitude and have no way to express it so you tell me your dreams. Don't try and deny it Joel, I know you want to be like me. But unfortunately this can never be Joel because, well.... I'm a winner.
Your winner coworker,
P.S. Don't kill yourself seriously that would be uncool

Cindy Wrote:
Syden I don't know if I buy into this whole dream analysis thing but here goes. I had a dream last week that my boyfriend was cheating on me and it felt so real that I was actually mad at him the next day until I realized it was all just a dream. I'm pretty sure I know what this means but go ahead have a crack at it.

My reply:
Cindy, yes it is pretty obvious but you wanted it analyzed so lol here it goes. You are obviously deeply attracted to me and have no way to show it so your very brain is telling you to get out of your terrible relationship. But dreams can have more than one meaning it could also mean that you need to buy a garden gnome to protect your hopes and dreams while you are sleeping. You could always get a dream catcher but they are a bitch to clean when they get full. So I recommend the gnome. Mine is for sale for only $200.00. He has a green hat and I call him Frank. He is mostly intact and the side of his face is badly burned from the cleansing ritual. But all in all he is a great defender of reality. I don't need him anymore because I got the enchanted apple of dreamlessness at the store so I wont be dreaming anymore. Hope this helps,

If you have a dream you need analyzed please leave a comment

Monday, June 8, 2009

Things I wish I could say... and sometimes do

Eat, drink, and be happy for tomorrow we die.... or you know go to the doctor and get that looked at.

Driving to work is a lot like pulling a tooth out with pliers, you know except without the satisfaction of a job well done and the taste of blood.

Babies are universally cute and cuddly... except your baby it's just hideous.

Why wouldn't I want to look at 15 years of photo albums about people I don't really care about, every picture associated with a story that is so boring I would literally rather have my face eaten off by ants than listen to?

If people could read my mind I would have a lot less friends, and no job and would probably be burned at the stake. But in my defense... na never mind let me help you light that.

Cheese is just really tasty mold with a good marketing plan. My less appreciated flesh eating bacteria soda just never got the buzz I felt it deserved. Great slogan though Eat drink and be merry because tomorrow your dead now with lime!

Friday, June 5, 2009

Self help it's all about problem solving

When you are in a rut keep pacing until you are in a ditch don't give up, get a shovel and now you are in a dependable and defensible trench. Anyone who tells you to get out of your rut/trench is probably a Nazi infiltrator and you can shoot them.

You have to believe in yourself when no one else does, like now for example.

You are not as ugly as you think you are, or at least not as ugly as that one guy I saw on the street corner the other day man he was ugly. I hope that wasn't you.

Dancing is a good way to make you happy but I warn you there is a time and a place for it. When you start dancing in the middle of a meeting and there is no music and you are a terrible dancer it just looks like you are seizing out of control. On the plus side you got a fat check from disability and can buy yourself something pretty or maybe dance lessons.

Self image is important that's why I covered my mirror with a poster of Brad Pitt so it looks like I'm Brad whenever I look in the mirror, man I'm a sexy beast. Problem solved.

Never let anyone tell you that you're wrong you could develop a complex. Whenever you feel like someone is about to tell you that you're wrong do what I do. Cover your ears and run screaming from the room and if you have the chance, kick them in the shins on your way out. Then if someone asks you why you didn't correct something you can simply say because I was never told it was wrong. Problem solved.

People who need self help often feel worthless. My solution is to keep large amounts of money on me at all times then when I start to feel worthless I count it. I can't be worthless I am worth at least $526.50. Problem solved.

Feeling good about yourself yet? No? Then try this; compliment the next person you see but don't do the regular "you look nice today" crap. Try something original so that they really know you mean it. One of my favorites is to tell the new girl in the office that she looks pregnant. You know because pregnant women glow and she kind of lights up a room. Just the first part though the "you look pregnant" When she figures out what I actually mean on her own it will make her happy and give her a sense of accomplishment. Now don't you feel a little better about yourself.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Everything I need to know I learned from watching cartoons part II

Knowing is half the battle and the other half is mostly just gore and stuff.

It is ok to trust your little problems like your daughter was kidnapped to adorable chipmunks.

Never trust someone who owns a cat. Owning a cat makes you evil which means that the crazy cat lady down the street must be the most evil person in all of existence.

Ponies are cute unicorns are cute but beware candy mountain If you haven't seen this watch till the end.

When you find yourself caught up in an intergalactic struggle for peace never trust the guys with the red laser guns.

If you need money for any reason there should be a talent show near by with the prize being the exact amount you need. So just keep looking.

All robots can transform and if they look like a cat then they can form a human looking head.

The road runner is probably to stringy to taste good anyways.

Jonny Quest is probably a really F#$*d up adult that has recurring nightmares about lizard men capturing him. I know there is a lesson in here somewhere... Oh save now for therapy later is a good one.

The more annoying you are the less likely you are to find help of any kind. Even nature will smite you for being the way you are and it will make you a jaded horrible person. Unless you are a woodpecker then you're fine.

Never get involved with a princess of any kind it will only make your life a living hell filled with ransom demands. Go for the chamber maid instead she doesn't have baggage. Just don't let her try on any slippers. P.S. nothing good comes from slippers you will put them on only to kill the good witch of the north or find a really shallow boyfriend with a foot fetish.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Everything I need to know I learned from watching cartoons

I realized that all life’s little lessons can be learned from cartoons and much like this kindergarten guy I to have learned all I need to know.

Hitting people with a frying pan is funny and has no repercussions as long as you run from the room or possibly try and blow them up with TNT.

When in a situation I can’t get out of cross dressing and coming on to the problem causer is the answer.

Never buy from acme; its products have a terrible return policy.

The law of gravity states that an object will only fall if it knows it should.

Wearing the same thing every day is a perfectly acceptable life style.

Never trust grandmothers with big teeth

Wearing a red cloak only invites trouble

Smurfs can be made into gold by way of an alchemical process as long as your cat doesn’t screw it up.

If someone is trying to kill you acting as retarded as possible will save you every time.

Guns can be stopped by fingers

Planning an elaborate trap is never worth the effort

Strapping yourself to a rocket will only end in tears

Monday, June 1, 2009

Living with depression

I listen to the car radio on my way to work each morning and the commercials are beginning to make me think that I'm depressed. (It starts out with some soothing music and goes into it's) Are you happy? Millions of Americans are living with depression (the music comes to a crescendo) But there is help at bobs discount drugs (ok I made up the bob part but you get the idea)
Then it goes into the signs of depression.
1. Are you tired and no matter how much you sleep you always wake up more fatigued?
2. Do you have thoughts of harming yourself or others?
3. Is there a rain cloud that follows you around only raining on you and calling you fat?
4. Does this touching music that is playing in the background make you want to gouge out your eyes or huddle in the corner while sucking your thumb until the pain stops?
5. Do people around you point and laugh calling you names like depresso and The sad-inator?

We can help at bobs discount pharmaceuticals we are starting an experimental trial on depression. Your time and travel should you survive will be compensated. You don't have to live with depression any longer (the music seems happy all of the sudden giving you hope for a fleeting moment and the feeling that everything might actually be ok) But only if you call now (the music takes away all hope and leaves you feeling dirty and unloved with your only option to swerve into oncoming traffic or call the number they repeat 70 more times in rapid succession)

Then the commercial ends.

Ya I think I might be depressed after all my boss did say something like Sad-inator the other day. It might have been senator after all he was listening to congress on the radio but I don't think I should take any chances.

Things to do before I die

I have been thinking of things that I would like to do before I die. It is supposed to be an exercise in self awareness that helps you derive goals and a pace to set to accomplish things. This was not the case with my list.

1. Learn to sleep..... I am so very tired
2. Loose a girlfriend... not an actual girlfriend just the approximate weight of one so that I can attract other females.
3. Buy new shoe laces... This might seem trivial but I am guessing that the reason I die is tripping going down the stairs. That or Peta will attack me because of my cat posts.
4. Make a list of things I want to do before I die... oh sweet, check!
5. Learn a foreign language... You know what never mind I don't even like speaking pig Latin.
6. ......Think of more things for list
7. Get married.... preferably to a non immigrant seeking green card status. You know unless she's really hot.

That was as far as I got and since I am supposed to space these things out to give my life fulfillment that means I can't get my new shoe laces till next year or so. I am going to give this sleep thing another shot we'll see how it goes.